~ Chapter One ~
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall"
"Mum do you think I have gained weight?" I looked at the mirror in front of me as my mum walked in and laughed "Oh Emma, everyone gains a little weight when they stop training."
"So you think I'm fat?" I looked at her and pulled my top down "No Emma, I did not say that. You have just gained a few pounds. You just need to do a little more exercise that's all." I nodded at her, "Yeah I will start going for my evening runs again." I smiled at her and she nodded, "Good idea. Maybe I can join you sometimes!" She grinned at me and I laughed "Sure Mum." She closed my bedroom door and I looked back at the mirror and sighed, she didn't understand, she never would. I just wanted to be thin, but I just kept getting fatter. After 2 months of dieting and I had only lost 8lbs, I was disgusting and fat. I couldn't even go one day with no food, it would get to the evening and I would just eat enough to last a normal person a week. Of course I would always get rid of it afterwards, I would never leave that stuff inside me. I am not that disgusting. Sighing I dropped down onto the floor and lay there for a while before doing my usual 300 sit ups and then 100 press ups. I am determined to lose a stone before the prom, it wasn't fair if I didn't. I had an amazing boyfriend, and therefore someone to take with me so it's not as if I wasn't losing for no reason. Plus, I bought this amazing dress that I can nearly squeeze into. I want it to be comfortable on me though, I wanted people to look at me and think 'Oh my God Emma has lost loads of weight. Doesn't she look amazing?' I am going to do it as well, I have just over a month to lose it all. I will make sure I don't binge tonight, I have to be able to control myself, I have to lose weight.
"Emma! Rikki and Cleo are here!" I sigh as I hear my Mum shout up "Tell them to come up!" I shout back and then lay back on my bed, I really didn't want to go out today. I just want to stay in and moan about everything "Hello!" Cleo came in, her usual cheery self and Rikki followed not so far behind her, she smiled at me and then sat down on my chair and picked up a magazine "What are you two doing here?" I looked up at Cleo who sat on my bed next to me, "Studying? Remember?" She tutted "It's not like you to forget something you arranged." I nodded "Oh yeah! Sorry, now I remember." I smiled at them and then got up to get my books from my desk "You are kidding right? We are actually going to study?" Rikki looked at me and put down the magazine "I thought you were joking when you said that. I think we should go for a swim instead." She grinned evilly at me and I shook my head "We have an exam coming up soon Rikki, we have to start studying soon or none of us will ever pass." She sighed and then picked up the magazine again "Fine. Stupid exams, just ruin everyones fun." I laughed at her and then sat back down next to Cleo, she shook her head at Rikki and then looked at me "So where do you want to start?"
"Umm.. How about with Shakespeare?" I heard a massive groan from the other side of the room, obviously from Rikki and I shook my head at her "What are you groaning about, you got a B on the essay" She shrugged "Lewis helped me."
"And now I am helping you. So come on."
"Hang on I am looking at this." She nodded towards the magazine she held in her hands "Don't worry about the magazine, we are looking at this now." She shook her head "I am reading!" I rolled my eyes "It's just a load of crap about Celebrities with Eating Disorders or something." I tried to sound casual when I said it, I worshiped magazines, new tips and new exercises. I loved reading about others who knew what I was going through, even if they never admitted it, I loved the way there was so many skinny people in a magazine, just proving that you have to be thin to get somewhere in this life. "It's interesting." She shook my hand away when I went to take the magazine away from her "Since when have you read magazines anyway Rikki?" Cleo looked at her and she shrugged "Since I started hanging with you losers." She poked her tongue out and then looked back down at the magazine, I looked at the page she was staring at "Well it must be interesting, she has her concentration face on." Cleo laughed and Rikki just tutted at her "Grow up Cleo." Cleo stopped laughing "Grow up? You're the one who refuses to study and looks at magazines all day."
"Your point?"
"You're obsessed!"
"With what?!" Rikki slammed down the magazine and stood up, Cleo copied her actions "The way you look, the way others look. The only reason you look at the magazines is so you can comment on the fat Celebrities and then admire the thin ones."
"What are you talking about?" Rikki was getting red in the face and her fist was clenched "Guys don't fight please." I looked at them both but neither of them listened to me "Don't think I haven't noticed you staring at every thin person that walks past Rikki, you have been doing so for weeks now!"
"No I don't! You don't even know what you're talking about." Rikki was getting redder and redder, I'm not sure if it's through embarrassment or anger but I don't want to find out. "Cleo is it worth having an argument about? You stare at people and tell me you want to look like them all the time. There is no point having a go at Rikki for doing the same."
"But I don't even do that!" Rikki looked really offended so I just shook my head "It's just a stupid argument, will you two just stop it okay?" I really didn't need this right now, and I knew Rikki would end up burning someone or something in the end. Rikki just nodded and then looked at Cleo "Sorry." She muttered as she sat down, throwing the magazine away from her. I rolled my eyes, how can they get so moody over a petty argument like that? "Yeah sorry." Cleo said as she sat back down, Rikki was still red in the face and she looked like she was going to cry "You okay Rikki?" I asked her and she turned away from me and wiped her face with the back of her hand "Yeah I am fine."
"I didn't mean it Rikki." Cleo looked hurt when she saw that Rikki was crying but I just shook my head "I don't think thats it Cleo to be honest." She shrugged and then looked back at Rikki "What is it then?"
"Nothing, it's just.. Do you think I'm fat?" She whispered the last bit and I felt my heart skip a beat, wondering if she thinks like I do and if she feels the same as me. Maybe she understood where I was coming from when I stared into the mirror or when I was bent over the toilet seat. Maybe she feels the same. "No Rikki you're nowhere near fat." I stood up and sat down next to her "This isn't like you. Whats brought this on?"
"My Mum came to see me the other day. She is married to someone else and she has a daughter with him, and she just kept comparing us all the time. She was saying how perfect she is, and how perfect I ain't. She told me I need to go on a diet when I told her I had never been on one.."
"Oh Rikki.. I am sure she didn't mean it like that." Cleo got up and sat down on the arm of the chair and smiled at her "Why did it get to you so badly? You never let stuff like this get to you usually." I looked at her confused "Because she's my Mum.. I just want her to love me. She left us and now she has a perfect family and I ain't part of it." She whispered, I was surprised at the pain in her voice. I had never seen Rikki like this before and neither had Cleo by the look on her face "You don't have to be thin though Rikki." I said, holding her hand, almost laughing at my own hypocrisy, being thin was everything but I didn't want to tell her that. She would think I was mad. "You don't understand, I don't know why it got to me so much but I just want her to like me and at the moment she don't like me, she left me for that man and a new life.. a new daughter. I have been replaced by this thin, beautiful, perfect A grade student and I don't know what to do." She quickly wiped another tear away from her face and then looked at Cleo and I. "I am sure she wants you to be you and not this other girl." She nodded and smiled at us, but for some reason I didn't seem convinced that she would leave it at that. I just smiled at her though and squeezed her hand. "Right, lets do some studying." She said as she got up, I shook my head "Never thought I would hear those words from you." Cleo laughed and then sat back down on the bed.
I looked at Rikki as she flicked through our English revision book and shook my head. I wonder what she is thinking and how she is feeling. I wonder if she eats and then throws it back up afterwards, I wonder if she has ever gone a day without food. I wouldn't ask her though, I would just watch and wait for the signs. Then I would tell her about me. Then we could do all this together.