A/N: You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for your support and amazing reviews. I'm so glad you're on board with me on this.

Disclaimer: Castle is not mine.

It Happened at Christmas

Chapter 2

Pregnant.

The word kept swimming around in her brain and Kate tried to listen to what Dr. Lawrence was saying through the haze that taken over her mind. Pregnant. Oh, God, how could she have let this happen? She swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears that had welled up in her eyes at bay. She didn't even know why she wanted to cry; there were so many conflicting emotions running through her right then that she couldn't bring herself to focus on one and hold on to it. In fact, she was feeling a little faint, but maybe that was because she was…

She breathed in deeply and closed her eyes. She couldn't even bring herself to say the word.

"Detective Beckett?" She heard the young doctor's voice and her head snapped up at the sound. "Breathe, Kate." Dr. Lawrence said gently, opening a drawer on her desk, and offered Kate a Kleenex box.

Why was she offering her this, Kate wondered in a daze, her hand touching her cheek, only to find it wet.

Oh.

Reaching out, she took the offered paper tissues and dabbed it at her tear stained cheeks, her throat suddenly closing up as a desperate need to sob and cry her eyes out threatened to overcome her.

"How…" She started, but had to breathe deeply for a moment to get her voice under control. "I'm on the pill. I don't understand. How is that even possible?" The words came out fast in a harsh whisper in an attempt to keep her voice from shaking.

"Well, there is no contraceptive method that is 100 per cent effective, Kate. There is always a tiny margin that something like this could happen. Maybe you forgot to take your pill one day, maybe your dose wasn't strong enough… we can't really pin it down." The doctor offered her a sympathetic smile as Kate looked at her in shock. "We'll run the test again to be sure, but as of right now, you can't donate blood."

"I, uh… I have to get back to work and…" Kate closed her eyes, pressed her knuckles against them, trying to anchor herself to reality. "Should I wait here for the results?" She let out a breath and bit her lip.

God, this could not be happening.

"Up to you. We can put a rush on it and if you can wait maybe an hour, I'll probably have the results back by then." Dr. Lawrence said and trudged through some folders at her desk, looking for something. "Here." She handed her a folder and Kate took it with shaking hands, the word pregnancy in the title making her heart ache. "Why don't you take a look at this while you wait?"

"I think I'll go for a walk." Kate swallowed hard again and stood up, putting the folder in her purse. "I'll come back in an hour, then."

"I still don't have the results for you, girl." Lanie's laughing voice answered after only ringing once.

Kate had called her as soon as she had stepped out of the hospital, needing to hold onto someone, have someone tell her what the hell she was supposed to do. Of course her first option had been Rick, but how could she drop this bomb on him like this? They had only been together for a few months and had never discussed the possibility of having kids. This thing between them was still so new and fragile that now, just thinking about the life changing news the doctor had given her, made her heart race and not in a good way.

What if this broke them? They were not ready for it. Not that she wasn't sure that he was the one for her; she was. She loved him with an intensity that scared her, but this? It was too big, too world shattering and if they couldn't work through it, it would end them. God, she didn't even know if he wanted another kid, not now with Alexis already grown up and in college. He most likely wouldn't want to go through everything again, especially not with a brand new relationship.

"Yeah, I know. I'm not calling about that, Lane." She said quietly and her friend was silent for a moment. "Are you too busy right now?"

"What happened, Kate?" Lanie asked with concern and Kate had to swallow hard again, brushing a stray tear away with the back of her hand.

"Can you meet me at that café a couple of blocks away from the precinct?" She asked, hoping her voice wasn't shaking so much.

"Pappaleco's?" Her friend questioned and Kate heard her moving around on the other side of the line, probably gathering her things to go out, and confirmed the name of the place. "I'll meet you there in ten. And Kate? Whatever it is, we'll figure it out, okay? Hang in there."

"Thanks, Lanie." She said, letting out a heavy sigh after hanging up.

Running a hand through her hair, she made her way to her car and unlocked it, throwing her purse in the passenger seat when she settled in behind the wheel. Pulling onto the street, she tried to run her options in her mind. If she was really pregnant, she didn't think she would have the courage to get rid of it. She remembered her mother telling her that she had been her third attempt at having a kid and that she had had two miscarriages before Kate was born. Maybe this was fate's funny way of giving her a chance to try this. Maybe this would be her only shot. If she deliberately got rid of it, maybe she wouldn't have another chance at being a mother and she didn't want to give that up.

She had always wanted to have a kid; she just wasn't planning on it now, especially with the kind of life she led with a dangerous job. That and the fact that the person who had ordered the hit on her over a year ago was still out there and she was still in danger. What if she did have this child and one day something happened and she didn't come home? She had gone through that kind of pain already and would never let her own child suffer through something like this, if she could help it. Then there was her relationship with Castle and how new and breakable it was. No, breakable wasn't the right word for it; it was fragile, really, and they had taken so long to get here, only to have it fall apart because of an unplanned pregnancy.

How was she going to tell him?

Shaking her head, she let her mind wander for a moment while she waited for the light to turn green. Involuntarily, her hand made its way to her lower abdomen and she gasped when she felt how much firmer it was already. How could she have not noticed? She hadn't missed a period either, had she? Now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember when had been the last time she had it. But if she had missed a period, she would've noticed something was wrong, right?

Man, this was so messed up, she thought, parking in front of the café, and hoped that none of the boys spotted her here when she was due in the hospital in less than an hour. Locking the car behind her, she entered the café and immediately spotted Lanie sitting at the corner booth, waiting for her. Stopping at the counter to order a cappuccino, she hesitated for a moment and changed it to a hot chocolate instead. She wasn't sure if she could have any caffeine and, God, how was she supposed to survive nine months without coffee?

Paying for her order, she made her way to where Lanie was, collapsing across from her, head in her hands. A headache was starting to make itself known as Kate massaged her temples slowly.

"Hey," She heard her friend say and looked up, finding concerned eyes watching her. "How are you doing?" She asked quietly and sighed.

"I was just at NYU Medical Center." She started and bit her lip, feeling her eyes stinging again. "I went there to donate blood to Harper from Narcotics. He got shot last night."

"I know, Javi told me." Lanie nodded and Kate took a deep, fortifying breath before continuing. Opening and closing her mouth a couple of times, she found herself unable to say the words and shook her head at herself. If she couldn't even bring herself to tell Lanie, how was she supposed to tell Rick about this? Reaching into her purse, she pulled out the pregnancy folder that Dr. Lawrence had given her and slid it across the table, watching as Lanie's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh, Kate." She breathed and took her hand, squeezing it comfortingly.

"I don't know what to do." Kate finally said in a small voice, the unshed tears obvious in her tone.

"Oh, sweetie, this is a good thing. Castle's is going to go through the roof." She said with a smile, but Kate shook her head vehemently, brushing a tear away with the back of her hand.

"It's too soon, Lanie. We've only been together for five months. This was not supposed to happen. We've always been so careful." Her voice came out in a frustrated whisper. "I'm on the pill. It never even crossed my mind that it wouldn't work."

"Hey, look at me." Lanie squeezed her hand again and Kate met her eyes. "You and Castle are the real thing, Kate. That man loves you so much and I know that whatever you decide to do, he will support you no matter what."

"How am I supposed to tell him something like that? We never discussed having kids, I don't even know if he wants to have more kids. What if he doesn't?"

"Honey, I know it's scary now, but you know your boyfriend. You know he's going to be there for you, like he's always been. And, yes, maybe it was a little too soon, but you guys can totally make this work. I know it." Lanie reassured her and Kate bit her lip, accepting her hot chocolate when the waitress came by.

"I don't know if I'm ready to be a mom, Lane. I barely stay at home, I have a dangerous job…" she trailed off and took a sip of her hot drink. "And… what if I suck at it? I don't exactly have any experience with children. What if I screw it up?"

"You seemed to be doing just fine with Connor this morning." Lanie smiled at her and Kate rolled her eyes.

"That hardly proves anything." She said leaning back on her side of the booth and bit her lip, letting out a sigh. "Do you think I can do this?" She asked quietly, her voice betraying how vulnerable and scared she was feeling at the moment.

"Of course you can." Lanie grinned at her happily. "You're having a baby, Kate." Her friend beamed at her and Kate found herself smiling a little, her hand touching her belly again. "Do you know how far along you are?"

"Not yet. They're running a second test to be sure it was really positive." She hesitated for a moment. "But I've been feeling nauseous all week and I guess this explains it?"

"It does make sense, yes. When are you getting the results back?"

"I have to go back to the hospital in a few minutes. Dr. Lawrence said she'd rush it so I could have the confirmation faster." She explained, taking a large, comforting sip from her hot chocolate.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, that's okay. They're going to notice you're gone and I don't want the boys wondering what's going on. I still have to figure out how to tell Rick about this. I'll swing by later?"

"You'd better. I want to know everything." Lanie stood up and Kate followed her, hot chocolate cup in hand. They walked out of the café and Lanie stopped her with a hand on her arm. "We're in this together, okay? Whatever you need…"

"I know, Lane. Thank you." Kate smiled gratefully at her and pulled her in for a quick hug, before making her way back to her car.

It was time to face the music.

When she returned to the Precinct an hour later, Kate still didn't know how to feel about this whole thing. The positive pregnancy test in her purse seemed to weigh a ton and she had all kinds of pregnancy folders and a few vitamins Dr. Lawrence had given her to get her started. She was supposed to make an appointment with her gynecologist as soon as possible to start her pre-natal care.

God, she really was having a baby. There was a tiny little life growing inside of her and it filled with joy and absolute dread at the same time. Her hand seemed to find her belly out of its own accord and she had to control herself not to do this around people.

"Hey, where have you been?" Rick immediately asked when she stepped out of the elevator at the Homicide department. He stood up and met her halfway, touching her arm gently. She knew he wanted to pull her in for a kiss, but they had rules about these sorts of things when they were at the Precinct. "I was worried about you. You never called me back." He said quietly and she shook her head, leaning in to press a quick kiss to his cheek, before walking past him and taking off her coat.

"Just had to take care of something. Where's everyone?" She asked, looking around and not seeing Ryan or Esposito. "Where's Connor?"

"They're in the break room. Connor's asleep. Little tyke passed out after we fed him." He guided her to the break room and she smiled at the scene she met. Her boys were talking quietly as Ryan held the sleeping toddler close to his chest. "They found his Aunt. She's flying in tomorrow morning to get him."

"Oh." She said, leaning against the doorsill, feeling surprisingly disappointed. What did she expect, really? Even if they hadn't found Connor's aunt, it wouldn't be like she'd be able to keep him. Besides, she had her own baby drama to worry about now. "Well, that's good, right?"

"Yeah. At least he still has some family left. Social services will take him for the night. We're just waiting for the social worker." He leaned against the doorsill across from her and offered a small smile. "Hey, you hungry? I saved your lunch from those hungry wolves over there." He said and her stomach made itself known, protesting loudly, making him laugh. "Guess you are. Come on, I'll put it in the microwave for you." He took her hand and led her into the break room. Normally she wouldn't allow this, but she needed it today; needed to feel his touch, his body close to hers.

"Hey, guys." She smiled at her boys and they waved back. Rick put her burger in the microwave and set the timer, only to have the sound of it wake Connor up. When Kate realized he was awake, she made her way to the couch where Ryan was sitting with him. "Hi, little man." She smiled softly at him and felt her heart skip a beat when he smiled that adorable six-tooth smile of his and reached out for her. She immediately sat down next to Ryan, scooping him up in her arms and held him close, leaning down to press a kiss to his hair. "How are you doing?" She asked him when he tugged on her hair, a happy smile still present on his beautiful little face. For a moment, she allowed herself to wonder if her child would be anything like him.

"You're really good with him, Beckett." Esposito commented with a grin and she offered her friend a small smile, breathing in Connor's baby smell, letting it soothe her troubled heart.

"I guess." She shrugged and chuckled quietly when she felt the little boy snuggling close to her chest, his eyes drooping.

Her hand touched her stomach again for a moment and she wondered if this was what being a mom felt like.

A/N: Thoughts?