Note: I know, this was supposed to be a one shot but somehow I seem to love suffering.

31st of May

My surgery has been delayed to next week. I don't know what the cause for this shift in schedule is, and I did not question the suddenness of said announcement either. When they had informed me about the delay, Maki had been there. Of course she had been. She is always there.

And the way she had exchanged glances with the surgeon who had walked in, the way she had been acting so insanely nervous, had been enough to speak volumes for itself. Deep within, I know that the cause for this rescheduling must be her doing.

And it's fine. I'm okay with it.

As an excuse, I have been told that my surgery was not as urgent as first expected. But I didn't really buy that. It makes me wonder why any surgeon would have agreed to such a plea. Would have agreed to a family member asking for a delay of their own wife's surgery.

There is a thought anchored in the depths of my mind that I would like to shove away each time I remind myself of it. But each time Maki leaves, even if it is just for a second, said thought finds a void to slip back into it.

They would only agree to such a plea, if they knew beforehand already that the surgery would most likely end up failing, right?

I honestly do not think that I am wrong with my assumption. They are trying to give us more time on purpose, because there is nothing else to do other than to avoid what is awaiting me and Maki. And Maki must know about it, too. She knows that the surgery will most likely fail. She knows it. I am sure of that.

It feels horrible, quite frankly. Knowing that she is so desperate for any possible second remaining.

Like I said, she is always there. Sometimes, she even sneaks in late at night. Usually, I would have scolded her for doing such a thing, but honestly – She looks so insanely hot in that ridiculous nurse outfit that she has, by the way, stolen from a department for workers only. And usually, I would have scolded her for that, too. But I don't even feel like telling her what's wrong and what's right anymore. There seem to be no boundaries anymore.

I just want to see her smile as often as possible nowadays. And I probably don't get to see that particular sight if I start yelling at her.

Though, now that I think about it, she would be quick to take advantage of my anger in a pretty inappropriate way. Like she always does.

She's even around early in the morning. Even when I am still asleep. How I know about that? I might be asleep, but that does not mean I am completely unaware of her greedy fingers wandering along my skin.

I don't like the thought of her skipping classes at medical school though, but this is an exception.

After all, your wife does not die everyday.

1st of June

My wife is an idiot. I am allowed to say that. She is my wife.

Here's the thing: When I woke up this morning, I greeted amethyst eyes almost instantly. Now that might be nothing new anymore, but as soon as she noticed that I had been awake, she almost jumped off the chair she had been sitting on, pointing towards a stack of DVDs piled up on a shelf next to the bed I had been sleeping in.

And as soon as I had sat myself up, still extremely sleepy and all, she had almost thrown the entire stack onto the sheets in front of me. Needless to say, I was not only confused, but mad as well.

It had been eight in the morning, can you blame me?

"Pick one!" Had been her only explanation and her voice had had this absurdly excited and rushed tone in it, how could I have stayed mad for longer than a second. That does not necessarily imply that I hadn't been sceptical as to what was going on nevertheless.

"We're going to have a movie night of course!"

I have barely ever seen her this excited. Not after our wedding. That had been the only exception. But even when it comes to said matter, I am not entirely sure whether excitement would be the right expression for her mental state on that day.

I would rather call it. Well - Having an emotional breakdown, perhaps.

"A movie night. In the morning." I admit, that had sounded way blunter than intended. I don't think she was offended though. As a response, she simply continued urging me to pick one of those stupid movies she had brought.

We ended up watching a horror movie at eight in the morning on the small television attached on the wall opposed from the bed. Did I mention it had been eight in the morning?

And of course, Maki had been unable to keep her hands off my body throughout the entire movie. She had sat herself next to me onto the bed and I had sensed something as soon as I had felt her body next to mine. I mean, at first, she didn't do anything in that regard.

Her eyes had been set onto the screen in front of us and I could have sworn she was a little frightened because of the movie.

At eight in the morning.

But as soon as I had muttered something about the movie being fucking lame (which is true, by the way.), she had turned her head towards me in an instant, eyes glowing so enormously violet and challenging – And I had known immediately what kind of gaze I was facing.

"I think this movie 'night' is about to turn into Netflix and chill," Was everything I had been able to say. I had wanted it to sound witty and cynical but damn, my own voice seemed to betray me these days. It didn't even sound anywhere witty. It sounded exactly like an agreement to her wicked way of having me tricked into this.

At eight in the morning.

I mean. We should have been beyond glad that first of all, the blankets on the bed had been quite useful to weaken the perception and sight of us having sex at the hospital and secondly, that nobody had walked into us while doing so.

And honestly, what kind of couple even hooks up while watching a horror movie at eight in the morning?

2nd of June

My handwriting is getting worse.

It takes me longer than usual to write these things down. But that does not mean I will stop doing so.

Six days are left.

The days seem to get shorter. I want to relish every single moment of us being together, but it's difficult when the sun seems to set in the blink of an eye. This kind of time span remaining feels like an ultimatum; it feels like a bomb is ticking right in front of my eyes, counting down the seconds with ease. And it feels like it's about to go off any moment.

I try to stay positive as much as possible. I try to gain strength in the way she laughs, the way she holds my hand and the way she strokes my cheek so lovingly each time she leaves, if only for a few minutes. The warmth of her thumb pressing against my cheeks always seems to linger on my sensitive skin, a pleasant kind of warmth that leaves its trail behind.

I don't want to miss those little touches, those little glimpses of affection and connection. As much as I'd like to think of our constellation as stable, there are moments that make me realize that its connections seem to wither already.

Maki tries her best to stay positive, too. I can feel it deep within, the way she wants everything to be as comfortable as possible for me, the way she cares so much.

It tears me apart. It pulls at my heartstrings, rupturing them as if made out of yarn.

I don't want to leave her behind. But I don't know what to do either. I don't know how to make it hurt less. And as a consequence, I push all of these matters far away from us, thinking that if I do so, they won't be able to reach us anymore.

And it is probably the only way of getting by in this situation.

But she makes it difficult for me. Difficult to forget what is really happening to the us we had created. She is always there, always talking, always laughing. I do appreciate it. But this kind of effort only makes it worse. It makes me realize what I am about to lose. It makes me realize that I am the one to lose something in this matter. Someone.

I am the one who has to take the loss, although I am leaving her behind. And I am certain of that fact. Because, oh my god, have you even seen her?

Have you even seen how beautiful she is?

Perhaps, I wasn't even supposed to deserve someone as precious as her in the first place.

And perhaps that's the only reason for this tragedy to unfold.

3rd of June

I told Maki that she should not skip classes anymore. I told her that it was for her own good and that she would regret skipping them one day. And as a response, she had looked me flush in the eye, mentioning that she apparently does not "give a shit" about said classes before saying, "What could possibly be more important than spending time with you?"

And I could have slapped her in her beautiful face.

"Getting a proper education before it's too late." Had been my dull response and I admit, it might have sounded too insensitive. She is here for me. She is here because soon, I won't be.

And as soon as I had spoken those words, I had felt the bitter aftertaste of them almost immediately. And so had Maki, judged by her facial expression; the impish grin of hers had vanished, leaving her usually glowing eyes almost lustreless.

Because I sure was right. Getting a proper education before it was too late was definitely an important aspect.

But wasn't spending time with your wife before it was too late as well?

I had muttered an apology, too quiet to be heard probably. And Maki had refrained from saying anything afterwards. She had just cupped my chin in her hand before wrapping her arms around my body; enveloping me with her warmth.

I could have sworn her body was trembling.

4th of June

I don't feel like eating anymore. In a way, I want all of this to be over already - Acting as if we weren't hurt. Acting as if all of this wasn't just so incredibly unfair. Acting as if we were just as happy as we had been a few months ago. When everything was still alright. When we had been able to solve every problem that tried to block our way to happiness.

Now I feel like crying everyday. But I don't do so. I cannot allow myself to show weakness in front of Maki. I cannot allow myself to be weak when she is trying so hard to be strong.

Actually, I am not so certain of that fact anymore. I know she is fragile. And I know she is hurt. And I know that each time she leaves the room, she isn't actually buying something anymore. She just leaves, so I won't see her tears. I know exactly which way leads to the exit and which leads to the restrooms. And she always takes the latter one.

I see her smile less often than before these days. I almost forgot what I looked like. The only smile of hers I get to see is the forcedly optimistic smile she puts on every time she enters my room. And it makes me sick.

Makes me sick that it's my fault.

Last night, when she came back from the rest room, I feigned to be asleep. And I am sorry about that. But I did not want to see her.

I did not want to see what I am about to lose.

I did not want to see her fall apart.

I could feel her elbows propped onto the sheets next to me, just like I had been able to feel her violet eyes dart my body from the short distance. I did not want to open my eyes. I did not want to meet amethysts. And I didn't even need to. I didn't even need to open my eyes in order to see what I was about to lose. In order to see her fall apart.

Because, certain of me being asleep, Maki had started crying next to me. At first, I thought it was only my imagination – Only the sound of breezing air coming from the ajar windows; that was how soft the sound of her quiet sobs had sounded in the beginning.

But eventually, they did not remain as quiet as they used to be anymore. I have never heard something as hideous as those cries that had left Maki's lips that night. Never have I ever wanted to shut off a noise so bad. And never have I ever wanted to disappear more.

I could feel her hot breath each time her doleful voice lowered and raised; and it was painful to listen to, painful to absorb, painful to witness.

And I wondered why happiness could be crushed so easily when grief couldn't.

Eventually, Maki started talking. She had reached for my hand, had held it tight in her own, her grasp so firm and desperate as if she was holding onto her life.

I don't remember what she had said exactly. I can only report her words quite verbatim. But I do know that she had leaned forward a little, her voice had been so close, too close almost.

"Even if I had known what I was signing myself up for, even then,"

Her voice was shaking in that certain moment and she interrupted herself several times, intermission over intermission, trying to force the words out of her throat. I hate to think of it, but Maki would have never told me those things if I had been awake. I am sure of that fact.

"I still would have made the exact same decisions. I still would have dropped my wallet on purpose. I still would have invited you to dinner. I still would have moved in with you. And oh my god,"

I had wanted to comfort her so bad, I had wanted to wipe away the tears that I knew were leaving the corner of her violet eyes without having seen them – I had wanted to tell her that everything will be fine. That we will get through this. But I knew deep within, we won't. She won't. She would never be able to recover from this and while I would have the comfort of leaving, she would have to deal with the grief that followed a loss this heavy.

"I still would have married you."

She had paused yet again, yet another intermission, yet another silence. A silence that would only be broken by the sound of her heartbreakingly wistful sobs. A silence I wished I had never heard.

"But if this is what love feels like, then I don't want to feel it any longer."

I couldn't have agreed more.

5th of June

"I cannot believe I actually did as you told me." Were the first words that had greeted me this morning, this time, around afternoon.

And I still remember the way her lips had curved into this grumpy pout. As if I had told her to bury a dead body. Sorry. That had been a pretty bad comparison.

"That would be the first time for you to actually listen to what I say." Had been my response, but honestly, knowing Maki, I should have prepared for the witty comeback she would have up her sleeve.

"I do listen to what you say. At least in the bed room." She had paused for a brief moment, "Well, alright – Not always. But that's partly your fault. Sometimes when you tell me to stop, you don't actually want me to stop, which is kinda contradictory and when you start yelling at me to stop and I actually do, you get all mad at me and I don't even know-"

"Just stop already!" I know. That had been an insanely stupid response in this regard. And she knew exactly it had been.

"Yes! Exactly like that! How am I supposed to know what to do when you don't even know yourself what you wa-"

I know it sounds just as stupid as my response from earlier, but even this futile conversation about our sex life – Even that was enough to fill my veins with grief, to fill my mind with sorrows, knowing that such futile discussions would be just as gone as everything else that held any meaning to me.

The ring on my ring finger would be gone.

Our entire relationship would be gone.

Maki would be gone.

It's horrible.

Knowing that even though you are the one to leave, you still lose the most.

Maki left afterwards, because she had only a thirty minute break until she had classes to attend again. And she did not come back for a long time. It was late already, when I noticed her walk in, and believe me, I did not want to see the person that was standing in the doorway. I did not want to see the fragile person I had broken. The scene in front of me had been way too familiar and as soon as I had sat up in the bed, I knew that she was drunk already. Again.

I have seen Maki drunk only twice before in my entire life. One time was the other day, shortly after our happiness had been crushed in such a cruel way.

And the other time was way before all those events had occurred, when we both had gone to a bar and ended up in the restrooms – Well. You see. I don't need to explain that one, do I?

I knew, if anyone saw her like this in here, she would have to leave immediately. And I didn't want her to leave right now. I didn't ever want her to leave.

But unfortunately, things did not turn out the way I had preferred them to turn out. They never do. And I don't blame Maki. I have never been able to blame her for anything in this matter. I was the one to blame. And the one only.

And she was drunk. She was drunk and hurt and hopeless. And I don't blame her for the words she had yelled at me when she was standing in the doorway, because I had noticed the tears that had left the corners of her amethyst eyes and I had noticed her lips quiver in the glaring light of the lamps above.

But I don't think I will ever forget the words she had spoken.

And I don't think I will ever forget the way she had been standing there. And I don't think I will ever forget that I have turned her heart into an incredibly fragile one. Though I know deep within, her heart had never been made of steel, but of gold for sure.

Her fingers had been trembling as she had spoken, and right now as I am writing, I can still hear the echo of her words linger in my memory.

"It could have been so different. We could have been so different."

And if those words had not been enough already,

"I wish it had been me instead of you."

And she had yelled. Her words so loud and doleful, I will never be able to forget the accusing tone they had within them. It did not take long for people to notice what was happening and it did not take any longer for someone to accompany Maki to the exit, meeting more resistance than they probably had wanted to meet. But I had barely been able to absorb said sight properly, my vision had been too blurred due to the tears that were streaming down my face.

6th of June

This is the last time I will be able to write. My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow, and this time, not even Maki would be able to change something about that fact. I know I cannot leave this place on my own, which is why I will give the keys to our apartment to a close friend of mine. She will make sure to put you somewhere Maki would not find you so soon.

I know she won't have the strength to read the will I have made straight away. And I know that she will need time. And it's fine. She can read all of this whenever she wants to. Whenever she feels like being able to. I don't know where said place in our apartment will be though. I still have to think about that. Hiding you in our bedroom would be too obvious, just like the living room. And the bathroom seems to be pretty tasteless, if you ask me.

That leaves only one option, quite frankly. And I am certain of the fact that she will never enter the kitchen when I'm not around. That woman does not even know how to get water boiling.

I for myself, would have never wanted to switch our positions. I would never want her to be the one in my situation. It hurts already. Knowing that I won't wake up to the sight of her beautiful face anymore. Knowing that I won't hear her melodic voice anymore. All of it still feels like a dream. This time, it's not too good to be true. It's too awful to be reality.

Because I wonder – What does it feel like to have happiness surround you at all times?

I know what it feels like to lose something one wanted to hold onto so bad. And I know what it feels like to be conflicted, to be insecure, to be afraid. Light and shadow lie so close to each other, one can easily get lost in the comfort of light, forgetting about the shadows that would devour the gleaming presence of it one day.

But I know, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I am not ashamed of having wanted to see the light so bad, of having forgotten about the shadows that were hidden underneath. And I am not ashamed of having found the light I had been looking for. And she is so beautiful in all of her ways; I doubt she is aware of it. And I doubt she is aware of the fact that loss is as heavy as absence.

I wonder what it feels like to have a happily ever after. And I wonder what it feels like to have a connection that exists for eternity.

I might not get answers to my questions and that is fine, too.

Because I know that tragedies are part of romance novels as well.