Decisions

"Maybe Carlisle is right."

I turned from the open window of our home to look at Edward, my sweet husband, silently watching as our daughter stirred in her sleep. The pink silken blanket she received from Rose and Emmett a few weeks ago in the mail was beginning to twirl itself around her leg as she dreamed, the very end of it clutched tightly in her tiny fist.
"We should go back."

Just three months earlier we left Forks for Hanover, New Hampshire and the summer semester at Dartmouth University. Edward previously secured a home for us, with enough space for the rest of the Cullen family to join us, if they so chose.

Carlisle and Esme joined us at our first request. They had no desire to be separate from the family, and especially not Renesmee. Soon after joining the family, I discovered there were many times when the two uprooted themselves to follow, or respectively lead, their adopted children elsewhere. A few times because either Emmett or Jasper gave in to the vampire within.

Emmett spoke casually of "messing up". So casually I was sometimes lead away from the fact "messing up" involved taking a life. Only after joining the family did I begin to understand anything of the nature when it came to human life.

At first, Alice and Jasper declined to move east with us. They wanted to spend time alone together, but after a mere two weeks alone, they joined us. The truth was we were lonely without them, and I'm certain Alice knew as much.

Alice, like Edward, often seemed to know everything before the rest of us, even when it came to our own feelings and judgments. It was very nearly a competition for who was alerted first to the latest happenings.

Rosalie and Emmett were the only ones strong enough in their decision to be alone together. They decided to spend a year abroad before committing to something more permanent. Rose, especially, wanted to travel before becoming stuck in some random high school for another few years. I, of course, couldn't agree with her more.
This didn't stop the gifts for Renesmee from arriving in the mail. Each week her aunt and uncle sent a large package wrapped in brown paper with a gift for my daughter, and hand-written letters to each member of the family. Rosalie would never admit it, of course – being as stubborn as she was – but she missed us all.

Edward was determined to move east to New Hampshire. He wanted to get a lay of the land, thinking long-term. Dartmouth was right there. He insisted I at least consider going to college.

I didn't agree with him.

Less than a year ago I was certainly more adamant about attending the university. But that was before Renesmee, before everything in my world changed forever. Before the mere passing of a human caused a sensory overload in my system. I could control myself – quite well for a newborn vampire – so as to not attack the first human I saw in public. But that didn't mean I was ready to surround myself with the sweet smell, day in and day out.

Even if I didn't kill anyone, I would at least be distracted from my studies. I knew I would have the chance to attend college more than a dozen times, as Edward and the others had done. Time now held no boundaries for me.

However, Charlie and Renee would be disappointed if I failed school. Especially Renee. She simply wouldn't understand my excuse: "Sorry, Mom, but I couldn't concentrate on Psych 101, not with everyone smelling so wonderfully delicious."

This was not a conversation I ever wanted to have with my mother, who was still blissfully unaware I was now a vampire – an almost year-old vampire. Of course, the fact she was now a grandmother could be more of a blow to her reality than the idea her only child was now considered a mythical creature.

Edward was insistent, though, almost annoyingly so. He had a way of persuading me to do just about anything he wished. He claimed I held the same power over him - twice as strong even – but I disagreed firmly in his ludicrous belief in this so-called power. It took me over a year to convince Edward to make me immortal, yet it took him less than a week to get me to audit classes at Dartmouth.

In the end, attending my few classes was easier than I thought. My self-control was growing everyday. The whole family was proud of me, with the exception of Jasper. Edward admitted he still held a small amount of bitterness it appeared so easy for me.

Easy? Honestly, nothing seemed easy when it came to my self-control. My mind was always able to separate prey from people, of course, but every single fiber of my being begged me for just one taste. The smell, the sight, even the sound of nearby heartbeats, caused venom – like human saliva - to rush into my mouth. I often felt like Pavlov's dog, drooling at the sound of a bell, without the bone ever being delivered to my dish.

One afternoon I came home from school early, because the weather had changed abruptly. The clouds cleared from the sky allowing sunlight to pour across the city, making it unsafe for me to remain in public. I threw my bag across the room, letting it clutter the corner of our den. Edward greeted me with his desirable little crooked smirk.

"You should have killed me the first moment you laid eyes on me," I snapped at him, storming into our bedroom to change clothes.

Earlier in the day someone pulled the fire alarm. Before I could even blink, I found myself packed into a small hallway with nearly fifty humans. Sardines smashed into a can. I controlled myself quite well, but was convinced their smell had rubbed off on me. It was like going to a fast food restaurant and smelling like French fries all day long.
I instantly began looking for my jeans and boots. I promised Alice not to ruin another pair of heels while hunting. Blasphemy, she called it.

"Never said I didn't want to," Edward chuckled as he followed me. He leaned against the doorway observing my every action. "Besides, I am fairly positive you taste much better now." He came to stand beside me, snuggling his face into the small crevice in my neck. I felt gentle kisses roaming up the side of my neck. Leave it to Edward to try and distract me at my weakest moment.

I turned to look at him, tempted to remove my inner shield so he could read my mind. But, like Renesmee, I sometimes felt the need to be vocal about my feelings and opinions. Now was certainly the time.

"My throat is burning," I grumbled under my breath. "And if you felt even half of what I went through sitting in that room with all those humans that first day in Biology… Well, I would have wanted you to kill me. I love you too much to let you get thirsty for so long." I was trying my best to hold back the smirk.

Edward stared at me and shook his head. He was chuckling under his breath, as he always did when I said something outlandishly dramatic. I would never understand why my annoyance and anger was so endearing to him.

He kissed the top of my head.

"Aw… it wasn't so bad for me," he lied.

Feeling thwarted, I placed my hands on either side of his marble, god-like face. I concentrated to lower my shield, allowing him a temporary moment in my thoughts.
Edward blinked a moment, and then chuckled as he dragged his finger against the back of my hand.

"That bad huh?" he asked. He leaned in to kiss me. Electricity flew from my lips and down to my toes. Instantly, I was very thankful. My hunger for people was beginning to fade, as my hunger for him was only increasing dramatically.

"Well, let's go hunting tonight. I think Nessie needs to get out anyway."

We should have noticed earlier. No… We should have reacted earlier when we knew Renesmee was having a hard time being here. Harder than we could have ever thought. Being so far away from Forks. Far away from Jacob.

We knew it would be difficult if we moved away. But it was inevitable, right? We couldn't stay in Forks for much longer. Not with everyone knowing who we were. They would notice Edward and Bella Cullen didn't change a single bit since graduating from high school. Not to mention we could rarely take Nessie out in public. People would notice. She wasn't normal. None of us were, especially together. And that put everyone we loved in danger.

Still, the memory of our leaving haunted me. We literally tore our daughter from Jacob. A moment in her short life she relived daily… for the last three months.

Both Renesmee and Jacob knew we were leaving. We prepared them for this a month in advance, but none of us truly understood imprinting. We didn't understand or estimate the outcome of separating Nessie from Jacob for so long, and so far away. The future was unknown to us. Alice couldn't see the future with Nessie and Jacob – or any hybrid.

Edward and Jacob got into a massive argument when we first told him we were leaving, which wasn't out of character for the both of them. They were fighting on and off for what seemed like a lifetime now. Edward, an unstoppable force meeting Jacob, an immovable object.

Their relationship grew closer as Jacob became a firm part of our family. He was easily welcomed to join us in our move, but his pack duties forced him to stay behind.
The pack was eleven wolves strong now, and they would suffer in Jacob's absence. Plus, he needed to finish high school. Jacob was eager to give up school, but I wouldn't allow it. And it certainly wouldn't help to mend the relationship between our families. It wouldn't go over well with anyone in La Push if Jacob dropped out of high school to play babysitter to Renesmee.

So, when the day came to leave, Jacob stayed. He remained in his wolf form to say his goodbyes, admitting his emotions were easier to control when no one could see the detail on his face. This didn't make it any easier for Nessie when we pulled her away from Jacob, his reddish brown fur clenched tightly in her tiny grasp.

"Momma no!" she kept screaming, though I wasn't the one pulling her away. I think she knew, in the end, it was my decision to leave Forks. It was my fault. I caused this pain for her.

It took the strong arms of both Jasper and Edward to wrench her away from Jake. There was a loud tearing sound as patches of fur ripped from his thick coat. Jacob winced in pain. He didn't notice the open gash, so strong was his anguish seeing Renesmee cry out for him. She begged to stay. The imprinting makes it nearly impossible for Jacob not to grant her every desire, every deep or superficial wish. Not being able to do so had him whimpering on the floor like a beaten dog, starving to death.

Renesmee cried the whole way out of Forks. She could hear the howling wolf in the distance, crying with her. Eventually she dozed off. The trip to Hanover was the last time I saw my daughter sleeping peacefully.

"Did you hear me?" I asked, approaching Edward. I looked over at Nessie; she was kicking her legs about and muttering in her sleep. I didn't envy her. I recalled similar sleepless nights, though now the memories were vague and blurry.

"I heard," Edward replied. His chin was resting on the back edge of his chair, watching Nessie.

It was difficult for Edward and I to trade Renesmee's crib for a bed. We knew she would age quickly before her development slowed. It seemed silly to keep her behind the bars of a crib when she looked like a five year-old. The bed was proving more difficult than we imagined. Most nights she slept on the sofa in the living room, while I read a book or her father played the piano.

Edward often played the lullaby he wrote for me, or the one he recently composed especially for her. Renesmee could not tear herself from our sides. Not for Carlisle to measure her. Not for Alice to take her shopping. One of us needed to always be there, her security blanket. It was a terrible infliction on our child, which we ourselves caused.
"The weather here isn't what I expected," I groaned. "It's sunnier than I thought it would be." I looked out the window as the sun rose over the horizon, breaking through the clouds like a hot knife in butter.

The clouds in Washington were more resilient. I missed going outside. If I did decide to enroll as a full-time student I would have to take evening classes . . . or risk getting bad grades due to missing class because of the weather.

Even though I knew Edward heard me, he didn't appear to be listening to a single word.

I stood behind him, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders, burrowing my face into the ridge of his neck. I breathed him in deeply. How silly I was to think his scent was beautiful before. My human senses were not of the depth to begin to understand his true beauty. He seemed sad now, as was I.

"Jacob," Renesmee mumbled in her sleep. We both let out a defeated sigh. It was is if we were holding our breath for months, hoping things would get better. We hung our heads mournfully.

"You're lucky," Edward whispered, tilting his head slightly to lean against mine. "You don't see her nightmares with her."

"You can't block her out at all?"

"No." He turned his eyes away from her. "It's like she's screaming."

"I feel terrible," I confessed. "Even if I didn't cause all this to begin with, I think she would still have nightmares. It's probably genetic."

"You always looked so peaceful when you slept." He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against mine. "I used to be angry I couldn't read your thoughts. Now that I experience Renesmee's terror every night, I'm grateful for it.

I felt for Edward. Without the ability to avoid listening in on Nessie's mind, he heard her pain and anguish. The pain and anguish over the chasm we created.

This didn't stop me from listening in every night as she slept. If Edward was forced to feel the guilt, I should suffer along with him. When he retreated to his piano – or the garage to play with his cars – I would slip next to my daughter and place her small hand against my cheek, so I could see the images plaguing her slumber. Most nights I wished like hell I could cry.

"My Jacob," Renesmee muttered again.

It reminded me of the time when Edward heard me mutter the same thing. Once – it seemed a lifetime ago – I slept snuggled next to my best friend in a freezing tent, waiting for death to come upon us. I meant it differently, of course. "My Jacob" distinguished the different personalities Jake carried in my presence. One, the egotistical, immature boy with boundary issues; the other, my best friend who knew me like no other ever could.

The way Nessie said it now was different. It was full of longing and unease . . . and was clearly very possessive.

Carlisle walked in from the long stretch of hallway leading to the room he shared with Esme. His heels clicked on the black marble. I looked up, greeting him with a soft smile. He returned the gesture, and shifted to glance out the living room window.

"I should call the hospital and tell them I'll take the night shift." He mumbled, an audible reminder to himself.

I understood how he felt. The weather was often disappointing to us all. If it weren't so unbelievably frustrating, I would find it rather funny. When I first moved to Forks, the cold damp weather practically turned my stomach into a tight knot. Over time, though, the gray skies grew on me. They became a source of happiness. After all, when the sun came out and shined down on the rest of us, Edward stayed inside. Or left Forks altogether, leaving me behind without my personal sunlight.

The summers in Forks were much easier when I was human. It was rare I was outside on a bright and sunny day. Without school to keep me trapped like a prisoner, I was free to stay indoors with Edward. Charlie enjoyed the sunny days on his fishing boat, leaving the house empty. It was just the two of us, without my immortal love being distracted by the silent stirrings of my father in the next room. Edward could concentrate on us, while I could concentrate on him.

"If you could call it sleeping," Edward expressed with a heavy sigh, answering a question Carlisle thought. I quickly grew used to Edward answering unspoken questions aloud. He responded as though someone said something directly, whether I heard a voice or not.

My father-in-law walked up behind Edward, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. He peered over, observing Renesmee for himself. It was clear Carlisle was deeply concerned for our daughter. I wondered, though, if the doctor in him was plagued with curiosity about what Nessie was going through. Imprinting was a subject Carlisle found very intriguing… and understood very little.

"She's still having nightmares," Carlisle sighed, looking down at her.

I stood and turned my attention to the rising sun. I wondered if there was some hope with a brand new day, regardless of being stuck inside or not.

"I know that pain," Esme whispered, recognizing the look on my face. She wrapped her slender, pale arms around me; a comforting gesture. Esme had become a true mother to me, though I still longed to see Renee.

"Oh?"

"Yes," she said with a small frown. "Every day, every moment, you remained human and far from my son, I felt what you are feeling now."

I understood. Esme was the only one who always seemed to understand the emotions behind the scene. Alice, saw very nearly everything Edward and I experienced, but it was Esme who truly felt for us.

"Yes, but Edward and I were free to see one another." I was angry with myself. "And you weren't the cause of his pain." I, however, was the very exact cause of my daughter's anguish.

And Jacobs.

What else was new?

"You didn't know this was going to happen." Esme was trying to reassure me of my decision to move my family, leaving one essential member of it behind, thousands of miles away.

I reached my hand upwards and gently touched hers. I never took my eyes off the sun, now staring me right in the eyes. The brightness would blind a human, of course. But with my immortal eyes – now a soft, golden hue – I could see every color, every depth, and every beam shooting from the glowing orb in the morning sky.

I searched out the colors – looking deep into the sun – wondering where my answers lie. The only thing distracting me was the light reflected off our shimmering skin. I briefly glanced at Esme's arms, lined up against my own. The same pale, marble shade, the same shining surface I coveted for so long. It was strange to think I now was comparable to beauties like Esme, Alice, and Rosalie. I still couldn't comprehend it.

"Has Jacob called lately?" Esme asked. I assumed she wondered if his phone calls set off the nightmares. They didn't. The nightmares came whether Jacob called or not… and his voice over long distance didn't calm Renesmee. He tried to console her in the beginning, but he just couldn't lie to her. He couldn't lie when she asked him how he was. He couldn't lie when she asked if he missed her. He couldn't lie when she begged him to come visit.

Eventually, the calls stopped.

I phoned Billy a month ago, to see if something happened to Jacob. My eternal worry for my friend was… eternal. Billy told me Jacob was spending more time with the pack to keep his mind off Nessie. I often wondered why they bothered patrolling La Push and Forks when there were no vampires in town.

Staying in wolf form seemed easier for Jake, though. It was like his own personal escape. It's been that way for him since the first time he phased. I thought back to the months he spent away in wolf form, only to surprise me at the wedding… and acting more animal than human.

Sometimes, when I hunted, I wondered if Jacob was in the woods. Like me, looking up at the same stars, the same moon. I wondered how much more I could possibly hurt him. Taking my daughter – and his reason for being - was the nail in the coffin of years of torment. I was plagued by the guilt of it all.

"I'm almost packed!" Alice's sing-song voice chimed through the house as she pranced down the stairs, snapping us all out of our own personal coma. A large suitcase was in her hand. Everyone turned to look at her - except Edward, who kept his focus on Nessie.

"Are you going somewhere?" Esme asked, looking up as Alice set her suitcase down. Jasper followed behind, carrying two others of identical size and weight.

"We all are," she said with the typical glee she always seemed to carry with her. "We're going home."

"This is home." Edward grumbled rather harshly.

"Not for long," she gloated. "We're going back to Washington."

"We haven't decided anything yet." He snarled a bit. His pride was hurt. Something he barely confided in me about. His child was in pain, and there was nothing he personally could do to fix it. As much as Edward hated the situation, knowing Jacob was the one person who could make Nessie happy right now, caused long term jealousy to rise up inside of him once again.

Edward was enough for me, but not enough for her.

"Well, maybe you haven't decided yet," Alice snapped back at him, casting her golden orbs toward me.

"I hate when you know my thoughts better than I do," I moaned.

"Now you know how the rest of us feel, with your husband fiddling around inside our heads," Jasper whined, setting the suitcases down in a row at the foot of the stair.
I had to hand it to him. He did have a point. Edward didn't find the whole thing as amusing as Alice and Jasper, though.

"Will you guys…?" I began.

"Sure, sure," Alice nodded. She took Jasper by the arm and led him back upstairs, presumably to finish packing. Likewise, Carlisle and Esme turned back down the hallway and vanished into their room.

"I hadn't decided." I said softly, approaching Edward.

"Yes, you did." Edward sighed. The anger and bitterness was gone from his voice. He finally turned away from Renesmee. In a split second he was at my side, his face burrowed in the depths of my hair, breathing me in – though neither of us had any need to breathe in the first place. "And I love you for it."

I knew what he meant. Edward would not admit this move was a bad idea. That it was a mistake taking Renesmee away from Jacob, a werewolf with an involuntary claim on her. Especially Jacob Black.

"I love you." I exhaled for effect more than anything. Though I only relied on breath to speak or taste the air, Edward's scent still took my breath away. The words "I love you" never seemed enough; they couldn't properly describe how I really felt. They were insufficient. Words were insufficient.

"It seems this house was never given a proper chance to be lived in," he smirked, kissing the base of my neck. I could feel the gentle nibbles in between the kisses. As well as the not-so-gentle nibbles that curled my toes and sent sparks of electricity to my very core.

"Well…" I grinned at him, tracing my fingers along the inside of his forearm as it wrapped around my waist. His finger ran along the seam of my blouse. "We're not leaving this very second," the suggestion obvious in my voice, and my eyes leaving not hint of subtlety.

"Morning, Momma," a familiar voice called from the base of the couch.

There was a sweet chuckle in the back of Edward's throat. I peered over his shoulder, smiling to my daughter.

"Morning, baby," I said with a grin. "Daddy has something special to tell you." I smiled, allowing Edward to be the one to make her day and tell her we were going home to Forks. He could be her hero today. He deserved that much.

I beamed and turned to kiss him just below the ear.

"Go, be the knight in shining armor," I whispered. "The news will help her nightmares fade. Once she is sleeping through the night again, you and I have forever."