When he lets himself think about it--which isn't often--Sasuke hates himself for how he treats her.
He is constantly pushing her away, testing her limits, seeing just how much abuse she'll take before she finally gives up on him and becomes as cold towards him as he seems to be towards her. He isn't positive that that is really an end he wants to achieve, doesn't know if she'll ever give up on him, and while the rational part of him insists that yes, of course she will, she has to, no one can stand up to this sort of emotional abuse forever, another, deeper and more empathic part of himself knows with absolute certainty that no, she won't ever really abandon him--she loves him far too much to do so.
This certainty leaves him feeling profoundly and unbearably guilty, which only serves to make him attempt to place even more distance between them, a wasted effort which always inevitably fails.
He is even more disgusted with himself for the dark, unbidden pleasure he feels when he watches her cry, knowing that those priceless tears she's shedding are all being spent for him, are all dedicated to him and him alone. He shouldn't enjoy hurting her, and while for the most part he tries to avoid doing so at all costs, he cannot deny the fact that some vague, sinister fragment of his innermost self relishes the heartbroken expression he receives every time he denies her, and the way she flinches beneath his glare, and most of all the momentary flicker of fear that flashes across her face when he grabs and grasps her arm just a bit too tightly.
He loathes himself for it, but he cannot deny the fact that when she cries, he thinks she is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen.
And so he ignores her, and berates her, and talks down to her, refusing to acknowledge her as his equal, though in his heart of hearts he knows that there are probably few people so evenly matched. And yet he disregards his instinctive attraction and turns his back on what he knows is most likely the brightest future imaginable for someone like himself, unrelentingly denying himself the comfort and the pleasure of her company.
But it's for her own good, really. She deserves so much better than the twisted, utterly unrecognisable thing that is all that remains of what had once been his heart.
And though he wonders at the exquisite tears as they trace their glittering paths down her face, admiring the way they make her eyes shine an extraordinarily clear and delicate shade of green, he can't help but feel just a little bit of remorse.
Because although his conscience is hardening, and every time it is just a little bit easier for him to push her away, he knows that for Sakura the pain of rejection never gets any easier to bear.
- 5. True Love (total selflessness) -
It was when she was walking home from training with Tsunade late one evening, muscles aching, fists bandaged and bloody, bruises covering her arms and legs, with dust in her hair, on her face, covering her clothes, that she realised that in a way she was really doing all of this for him. She was becoming stronger so that she could help Naruto bring Sasuke back. She wasn't content to stand by and watch them fight any more; she wanted to be involved; she wanted to be able to help.
Tagging on to that thought was another realisation: the sudden knowledge that she really would do anything for him. She would train until she collapsed, study every book on medical jutsu she could get her hands on, fight every enemy that got in her way and win and live simply because she had to get to his side. And once she was there, she would do anything that she could to make sure she never had to leave him—fight, kill, bleed, and even…
Yes, she thought, her mouth curving into the faded sliver of a smile. I would die for him.
And that was when she knew it was true love.
- 6. Curiosity (the taste of wonder) -
It is dark by the time training is done for the day, and after a lot of blustering from Naruto and a few subtle, well-placed threats from Sai and Kakashi, somehow Sasuke finds himself walking Sakura home.
Sakura hasn't really stopped apologising for inconveniencing him, which is beginning to grate on his nerves. "It's not a problem," he finally says tersely. "It's not that far out of my way, so I don't really care."
This seems to satisfy her for the time being, because she falls into a contented silence. "Ano, I know a shortcut that will get us to my place faster," she says after a while and points off to their left. "It's this way."
Anything that gets him out of this annoying escort duty more quickly is to be seen as undeniably advantageous, so Sasuke grunts in agreement, and Sakura turns down an exceptionally narrow alleyway that is nearly hidden in the deepening shadows. The air is damp and smells of rust and mold, and Sasuke's shoulders nearly brush the walls at some points. Small, indistinctly grey forms that he assumes are rats skitter around his feet and scrabble off down even narrower side-passages, and Sasuke wonders just how often Sakura has taken this route; even in broad daylight, he doubts that it would be very safe.
"Almost there," Sakura calls back to him cheerfully, just as he's starting to think she's lost her way.
The alleyway widens slightly, enough for two people to walk side by side, and Sasuke falls into step beside her, his eyes still moving about them constantly. It is getting brighter, the end of the alleyway is just a few yards ahead, but he is too busy gauging the distance up the moisture-streaked, graffitied walls to really notice that they narrow one final time, and he suddenly finds himself walking close enough to Sakura to feel the heat coming off her body and to make out each individual eyelash that frames her strikingly green eyes.
She suddenly wavers a bit as her foot lands on a wet patch, and his hand shoots out to grasp her arm, steadying her; she looks up at him gratefully, and a memory from a previous day flickers unbidden through Sasuke's mind, Naruto's mocking, snickering voice ringing throughout it: "You're never kissed a girl before, have you, teme? Don't you ever wonder what it's like?"
He hadn't admitted it to the dobe, of course, but he actually was just a bit curious…and this opportunity to satisfy that curiosity is simply too good to pass up.
Her eyes go wide as he leans closer, lowering his head to press his mouth against hers.
It is awkward at first, but her lips are soft and warm, and so he adds more force to the kiss until she gasps slightly, just as he'd hoped she would. Instantly he deepens the kiss, tasting and exploring every inch of her mouth, marveling at the feel of this remarkable new sensation. Blood pounds hotly in his ears, and without breaking away, he shoves her against the wall, trapping her there with his body, allowing his hands to roam a bit; Sakura does not protest in the slightest, and he half-opens his eyes to see that her own are closed in abandon, and as he pauses, she moans a bit into his mouth.
At this he blinks and steps back suddenly, eyeing her speculatively and licking his lips, as if in an attempt to savour the taste of the kiss. Her eyes slowly ease open, and he sees that they are dilated, pupils nearly eclipsing pale green irises, as she gazes up at him with some unreadable expression on her face. As he watches, her cheeks slowly begin to colour, and she opens her mouth as if to speak.
Before she can utter a single word, he turns and starts off again, as if nothing at all out of the ordinary had happened.
"S-Sasuke-kun…" Her voice is full of confusion and hesitance and, he realises to his sudden disgust, hope.
Stopping, he turns his head to look over his shoulder at her. "Hai?"
One delicate hand wavers inches away from her noticeably reddened lips, and confusion seems to have won the three-way battle for control of her emotions; the look she's giving him is fraught with it.
"What…what did that…?" She shakes her head a bit, dropping her hand and clenching her fists determinedly. "Why did you…?"
She trails off as he snorts softly and gives a minute shrug and a slight smirk. "Don't read anything into it, Sakura." Shoving his hands into his pockets, he turns and continues on his way down the street, casually calling back, "I was just curious, that's all."