Part 2
Dean leaned against the Impala, the cooler next to him and popped open two beers. He'd have liked to pretend that Sam's… outburst had been unexpected. But it wasn't. He was pissed. About something. Probably the deal. But why the hell lose it now? And it would seem that he can't just run off a sulk like he could eighteen years ago. But then, he'd never been brought back from the dead before. Yellow eyes' words came back to Dean… was what he just saw one hundred per cent Sam? He shook the image from his mind; of course it was. Wasn't it? He was just… just… emotional. He was sure of it. He heard the dragging of heavy footsteps in the gravel and he looked up. Sam's hands were dug deep into his pockets, flattened football tucked under his arms and his head down. Dean sighed. Ah, Sammy…
"So." Dean casually chugged back his beer, trying to pretend that this wasn't the most awkward situation he'd been in for… well, hours. Since he left Lisa's anyway. "You got that bug outta your ass now or what?"
Sam squinted in the sun and ran a hand over his filthy face. He looked his brother up and down. His jeans were torn and he could see scrapes on his knees that looked like a playground tumble. Crap. And he bet they were damn sore too. How the fck could he have done that to him? Dean was… Dean was a first class asshole, but hell, that was just Dean. He dropped the football into the trunk and sank back next to his brother, graciously accepting the cold beer as a sign that he was forgiven. God knows why. He shouldn't be. He scrubbed a shaky hand over his face, grimacing slightly as he shook orange dirt out of his shaggy hair. "Sorry, man." His voice came out as no more than a whisper.
"Yeah. Fcking right you're sorry. What's going on with you, Sam?"
He sighed. "It's… it's a bit to take in, y'know? I'm not gonna… I don't wanna get into the whole deal thing again, Dean. I get it." He swallowed deeply, certain that he was calming down but not sure that if the tears started properly, that he'd be able to stop them. For a long time. "You don't want to talk about it. I do."
Dean opened his mouth to protest, but before he could say anything, his brother carried on.
"But… but I know… there's not a lot we can do. And I get that you can't talk about it." Sam scrubbed away a rogue tear, pulling himself back from the brink of sobbing again.
"Yup. That's pretty much the long and short of it." Dean raised his eyebrows, attempting to look as blasé as humanly possible. Look, Sammy, I'm not phased. How could I be? I'm your big bro. He looked at his now filthy little brother, kind of looking like he'd been out playing all day. Like he was nine years old again.
"The long and short of it? For fck's sake, Dean…" He huffed aggressively, his mind wandering back to, hell, where to start. To everything else. "Anyway… we've got other stuff to talk about."
"We do?" Dean raised an eyebrow. Fck, what else does little brother have in his back pocket to make me squirm with?
"Y'uh. We do." Sam swigged his bottle and gasped a little, still staring ahead into the setting sun. Hmm. Whole friggin herd of elephants in the back seat. Pink ones. On parade. Which one to set free… there was the blonde demon chick, the leading of the demon army, the fact that all their Mom's friends were dead, the demon blood that Yellow Eyes had fed him as a baby… such a juicy selection! He silently gave a nod to one of the herd, probably the biggest one. Well, certainly a dominant one from where Sam was sitting. He turned his head back to his brother. "Ben."
Hmm… wondered when that gem was going to come up. Dean grimaced and slid down against the warm black metal, his ass planting firmly on the dusty ground as he leaned his elbows on his knees, picking slightly at the new tear in his Levis. Damn brother. Damn nosy little brother! Ben. Lisa's Ben. His Ben? The look on Lisa's face when he said he'd be proud… he swallowed back a slight lump in his throat. He was imagining it, surely? But… just for a moment… he thought he'd said everything that she wanted him to. Not sure how to start the conversation, he sucked back on his beer again and dusted off his knees.
"This something else we're not talking about then, dude?" Sam sank down next to his silent brother, leaning back against the back door, their shoulders just about touching.
"No…" Dean lazily rolled his head to his left. "Just don't quite know what to say about it." His voice trailed off quietly.
"So." Sam squirmed slightly. I don't wanna have to ask this question; he was kind of hoping that Dean would already have offered the answer. He hadn't. He tipped his head to meet his brother's stare. "Is he?"
Dean broke his brother's look, not willing to be swayed into something too emotional by the puppy dog eyes. "She says not."
"D'you ask her?"
"Mmmm."
They were silent for a moment. Man, this was going to be harder than I expected, thought Sam, watching the shadow cast on the ground by a bird overhead. A couple of heartbeats. Dean wasn't going to offer anything unless he was pushed. "So d'you believe her?"
He felt Dean shrug his shoulders next to him.
"Sounds like you're not sure, Dean." Sam dropped his voice to a whisper, almost wanting to wrap an arm around his brother. He marvelled at how… almost normal this conversation could have been. His big brother stressing over whether the kid was his. Man… who'd have ever thought they could have such a, well… normal problem.
"She seems to be." But she's not… is she? Stop it, Dean… don't even think about it. If you think about it, it won't make sense, and it'll hurt. Can't be hurt any more…
"How?"
"Jeez, Sammy, I thought we went through this when you were eleven."
"No, Dean, how's she sure?"
"Says she did a blood test. That it was some biker guy in a bar."
"Oh." Sam fell silent. "But… if he was a one night stand too… how did she…?"
"I don't know Sam. She… she doesn't want it to be me. It can't be. I mean, look at me. Look at us. There's no way." He swallowed slightly, sure that the tear that leaked from the corner of his eye was due to the bright sun. He dropped his voice to a whisper. "There's no way I can be Ben's dad."
Sam's smile twitched slightly. He was right. There was no way. Normal life didn't really work very well for a Winchester. Hell, the feds were on their tail. And besides, Sam had tried normal. It didn't work. Their world found him. It always would. Not to mention the fact that Dean wouldn't be here in eleven months and six days. God damn elephants…
"She was, she was scared of us, Sam. Scared of me." Dean's voice was flat. "And there's… you know better than anyone that when this shit catches up with us, it's bad. And it's always gonna find us. Especially now."
Sam tipped his head back against the car door, knowing full well that Dean was talking about Jessica. He swallowed back hard; he'd lost so much. So had Dean… and he was about to lose his brother again. The eleven months and six days wasn't going to be long enough. He was right… he couldn't have anything to do with Ben. Ben had to be kept safe. But, what if… what if Ben was Dean's chance? His one chance at 'normal'. His only chance to be a Dad.
"You'd be a great Dad, Dean." Sam almost whispered, not really wanting to say it. He'll kick my ass for saying it.
"Yeah… cos everyone wants their kid's father to not have a clue he existed for eight years, then turn up on the doorstep with a wallet full of fake credit cards, an arsenal in their trunk and wanted by the FBI." He grinned a wistful, painful smile.
"Well, apart from all that." Sam grinned back at him and chugged his beer. "I think I turned out pretty well."
"That's what you think." Dean smirked back. They were silent for a moment, nothing moving in the picture perfect landscape. "Hey… Sammy?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you…" his voice trailed off, his mind clearly changed. "Doesn't matter."
"Nah… you can't do that. You were nearly talking man, don't back out on me now. Or I'll kick your ass all over again."
What the hell, thought Dean. I can't get much more emo than him tonight, I wasn't the one crying over an uninflated football. "D'you ever wonder what it'd be like?"
"What, being a Dad?" Oooh… something pulled at Sam, deep down. Something he'd never told anyone.
"Yeah. Y'know, not… not in this life. That'd just… just be impossible." His mind flashed back to the djinn, knowing full well that if his fantasy, or whatever it was, brother did have kids, he'd probably not have let him anywhere near them. Stop it, Dean, that wasn't real anyway. That was just messed up. "But, if things were different, y'know?"
"Yeah. Yeah I… do. I did, anyway. Not anymore. It could've happened with Jess. But I just couldn't imagine it with anyone else. Although once…" He looked away. He couldn't talk about Jess and look Dean in the eye. Hell, the man was going to die for him and here he was getting teary eyed over someone who was long gone. But maybe… maybe he wouldn't have much longer to tell Dean his secrets. And wouldn't have anyone else to confide in. "Once we thought it might've."
Dean widened his eyes. Huh. What was little brother telling him? Somehow, he'd never thought of his brother as someone who, despite all the geekiness, at some point, he'd been a normal teenager. He didn't say anything; Sam carried on looking into the distance and telling his story.
"It was… it was pretty scary. We thought we'd always been careful, but y'know, there's always that one night, when you think back. And Jess was so worried."
"Jeez, Sam. You never told me."
"Yeah, cos that's the kind of thing that comes up when your brother turns up for the weekend for the first time in years. Oh, hi bro, yeah, sure I'll look for Dad with you… by the way, did I ever tell you about the time when I was nineteen and I thought I'd knocked up my first ever girlfriend?" Sam almost glared back at his brother. He knew that was harsh.
"Sorry Sam. Suppose not." He reached out and clapped Sam on the knee, intending it to comfort him but noticing him wince as he placed his hand straight on his scraped skin. Sam sucked in a breath through his teeth.
"Dude… ouch! Anyway… turned out it wasn't…" He puffed out a long breath, blowing his bangs out of his eyes. "It was a false alarm anyway."
Huh. So… what did Geekboy get outta telling me this? I thought I knocked up my girlfriend but it was okay because I didn't? Dean considered this slowly. Oh… oh.
"I'm just…" Sam breathed out slowly and turned his head to his brother. "I'm just saying, I think… I probably don't know how you feel about Ben. I'm not gonna pretend I do. But me and Jess, we'd had… we'd only had about three days to get our heads around the idea. And we were just kids, y'know? Neither of us wanted the other to be tied down, we both thought, no, we both knew that it was stupid, that it made no sense for us to have a kid. That it'd be the end of both of our studies. And that we needed to consider the… options."
"You… would you?" Dean's eyes widened. He didn't know why, but he was sure he'd got his brother's views all set out in his head, black and white. Right and wrong. Maybe he'd got Sam wrong.
"I don't know, Dean. It… we didn't have to make the decision in the end. Turns out she got mixed up and panicked or something, I don't know. I didn't really understand. I just…" Sam swallowed, the memory of the fear in the eyes of his beautiful teenage girlfriend too raw for him. "I just know, that when she told me that she wasn't pregnant, there was a little bit of me that was kinda disappointed."
"Disappointed? Come on, Sam… you were like, nineteen!"
"I know that Dean." Sam looked beseechingly into his big brother's eyes, begging him to listen. Because then he might realise that he understood. Even if only a little, little bit. "All I'm saying is that, man, it wasn't planned. We panicked. But if… if that's how things had happened, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. Maybe… maybe it might've been the best thing that'd ever happened to us. And even after a few days, I'd already imagined how we'd be okay, how our son or daughter would look, how…" He swallowed again, a rogue tear running down his cheek. "How I'd tell you and you'd probably be the most kick-ass uncle in the world." Sam smiled through his tears. "And how now …how I'd have a family." He looked back to his brother with an unashamed sniff. No point in hiding his tears from big brother. "We'd have a family."
We've got a family, he wanted to reply. You… me… yeah. Cos I'm heading downstairs in a year, and where does that leave my Sammy? Dean dropped his eyeline back to the dusty ground, knowing that if he spent another minute gazing into his brothers leaking eyes he was gonna start bawling himself. "Yeah… because that would've worked out really well."
Sam gave a sarcastic laugh, a small sob escaping from him at the same time. "Yeah… imagine that. Me, you and a kid on the road."
"Never've happened Sammy." Dean squinted into the distance.
"Whatddya mean? I know it didn't happen…"
"No…" I can do it, I'm gonna look at him. Sam wasn't sobbing, just smiling wistfully with a few tear tracks on his face. Dean sucked in a breath and turned nervously to his brother, just hoping to God that Sam's tears weren't streaming and threatening to turn Dean into a sobbing mess himself. "You'd never have left. Even if… even if the fire had still happened. There's no way you'd have put a kid through our apple-pie lifestyle."
He's right, thought Sam. He'd never considered that if it had all have been different, if they did have a baby, that there would be no way that he would have taken off with Dean. Even if Jess had still been killed. He leaned slightly closer to his brother, their shoulders now touching. It was almost a full on embrace, well, for Winchesters anyway.
"All I'm… all I'm saying is that I get it."
"Get what?" You don't get anything little brother. Nothing for you to get.
"Ben. I get it. I get that you know it makes no friggin' sense for you to be involved. That it would be a bad idea, a stupid idea all round for you to be his Dad. And… and that it'd probably put him, put them both in danger."
"Damn straight."
"But… but if he's yours. Even if he's not. I get that it's your only chance. And… and we, me and Jess, I mean, not me and you, thought we'd have forever. So many chances… and that one day, the time would be right, you know?" He didn't stop for an answer. "And it never was. Never will be."
Dean looked up into the sun, hoping that blinding himself by looking directly at it would distract him from the way his chest suddenly felt like it was imploding. "I'm not doing it, Sam."
"Doing what?"
"I'm not walking into that kid's life and then being ripped away from it in twelve months. And I'm not letting them live with me wondering until that time whether I'm gonna get taken in by the FBI!" His heartbeat raised and his voice rose. How dare he suggest that I do that… how dare he suggest… that I… oh, God… Dean buried his head in his hands and rested them on his knees, feeling Sam reaching an arm over his back and pulling his shoulders closer to him. He didn't shake him off. Sam didn't say a word… wait… is he rubbing my back? He lifted his head, Sam not taking his arm away from his back and rested against his younger brother slightly. But only slightly. "He's… he's a great little guy, Sam," he whispered, dropping his voice a little too far.
"I know. He's freakin' brave anyway." Just like his Dad, he wanted to add. He knew he couldn't. He gulped down a large breath, hopefully swallowing back any sneaky tears that were still lurking somewhere just below the surface.
Dean smiled, despite the half-hug that Sam had pulled him into and sat up a little straighter, unconsciously telling Sam that he better get off him now because this was quickly going to become 'awkward'. A couple of beats passed as Sam put his drained beer down next to him.
"So… you really think I'd be a kick-ass uncle?"
Sam grinned back. "No. I think you'd be a nightmare. I wouldn't let you near any kid of mine 'cause you'd teach him stuff that I never wanted him to know, you'd have him under the hood of the car as soon as he could walk… you'd feed them junk food 'till they threw up… their first word would probably be a curse." Sam laughed. "Dude. You'd be the coolest Uncle ever."
Dean laughed back at him. "Yeah. Yeah you're probably right." He'd like to say, one day, he thought. Shit. Not gonna happen. Not ever. If Sammy ever gets out of this life, ever finds someone else he loves even half as much as Jess and settles down, I'm not gonna see it. And I thought that didn't matter. It does… because he wants me to be part of it. He looked Sam deep in the eyes and raised his eyebrows. I'm sorry Sam.
"I don't think you'd be too bad an uncle either, Sam."
"You're joking, aren't you? I'd be boring as hell."
"Ben doesn't think you're boring. In fact, I'm sure that he thinks you're pretty kick-ass yourself. I mean, come on, Dude, you brought flame throwers to the party."
"Yeah, suppose I did." Does that make me cool? Sam considered it. I suppose when you're eight, a guy with flame-throwers is pretty cool.
"Would you…" Man, this is awkward, he thought. "Would you be that for Ben?"
"Be what?" Sam frowned. A flame thrower?
"A… a kick-ass uncle. When… when I'm not here." Dean cleared his throat. "I don't mean, all the time or anything… just make sure he's okay."
"Dean…" Sam was almost exasperated. He had to think about doing something to save himself. The goalposts had changed. Surely now… surely meeting Ben had changed his perspective?
"Don't get mad, Sam. And don't…" He looked at his brother, his earlier-freak out too fresh in his mind to want to upset him again. "Don't get all upset again. You wanna talk about this deal, this is all you're gonna get. I need you to tell me that you'll just… y'know. Keep an eye on them."
Suck it up Sam, he thought. I know. I know he doesn't want to talk about it. He's asking you for something. And considering what he just did for you… even though it was the most freaking stupid thing he'd ever, ever - he rolled his eyes to the suddenly darkening sky. "Yeah. Yeah sure I will."
"You promise me that, Sam?"
"I promise. But only… only if you're not here to do it yourself. And…"
"Don't start, Sam."
"And I'm gonna make sure I do everything I can to make sure that you're coming back to check on Ben yourself." Sam straightened up and glanced through the back window, almost expecting to see a little more space in the back seat now at least one of the elephants had vacated. There were still a couple hanging around though… with his name on them. At least Dean didn't seem able to see them. Yet anyway. He reached a strong arm down to his dishevelled looking sibling and hauled him to his feet.
"We good, dude?" Dean raised his eyebrows up at Sam. "Cos I think it's time to stop talking as if we've got PMS and go get some food, whaddya say?"
Sam bit his lip, the elephants banging on the window in his minds eye. Dancing. Forcing him to tell Dean what he'd found out, to tell him about the blonde demon girl, about Mom's friends… he glanced back at Dean. He looked like someone had jumped him and shoved him face down into the dusty ground… oh, yeah… kinda forgot about that incident. Maybe… maybe the elephants would just have to ride shotgun for a while. Perhaps he could let them melt into the clouds like Dumbo's pink elephants did.
"Yeah." Sam sighed, but not aggressively this time. "Yeah okay. Let's just…"
"Just what?"
"Can we have a few hours without you… chasing your 'dying wishes'?"
Dean grinned. "Is that what we're calling it now?" He raised his eyebrows with a cheeky glint flashing through his green eyes. Sam looked back at him, pleading. Just a few hours being my brother. Please. Okay, Sam. Understood. "Sure Sam. The only dying wish I've got tonight is a hot shower, a fat, juicy cheeseburger and some cable TV. How about we try and find somewhere that we can get all three?"
"Sounds like the best threesome you've ever suggested…"
"Oooh… now, you're wrong there, little brother. That's clearly a story I've never told you Sammy!" Dean threw back his head and laughed as he climbed into the Impala. He knew that wasn't what Sam wanted to talk about. But that was as far as they were getting for today. He shot a sneaky glance into the backseat, just to check… yes. Elephants seemed to have chilled out. No dancing. No… splitting in half. No elephant demons running at him, all made of elephant-heads…
"Thank God they've stopped." Sam murmured.
"What?"
Jeez, did I say that out loud? He laughed, a small sigh of relief breaking his tired features. "Nothing. The elephants."
"Did you just say elephants?"
"No."
"You did. You so did. You get freakier every day."
"Did not. Do not. Just drive."
Sam settled back, watching over his shoulder as the pink elephants settled gently into the scenery behind him, forming soft clouds in the distance. Just like Dad said they would. They were calmed. As was Sam.
For now at least.