7. Holes

Summer came, and with it, the time to travel. It wasn't unusual for the Cullens to come and go as they pleased, trekking to favored haunts or exploring wild territories untouched by man. It was unusual, however, for them to take trips as a whole. It used to be that now and again, they would take time away from each other. A few months here, a few years there. When decades are more akin to years, such time does not feel as taxing. But since the birth of our Nessie, not one of them wished to part from her for very long. No one wanted to miss a single moment. With that, I found myself in New Zealand, where it was just becoming winter, and the clouds that brought seasonal storms provided needed cover.

"I've got a cousin here." I said as we walked along the ridge of a mountain range closer to the northern coastline. Alice's face became stern and her head turned abruptly to face me.

"They're not going to recognize you are they?" she asked, her eyes growing larger with every word. "Dammit, Em! Why would you not bring up a minor detail such as 'I have living cousins where we're planning to travel and could possible see me and phone my family to say hey, guess who's not dead'?"

"They've never met me." I laughed, "The last time they were stateside was few weeks before I was born. So they wouldn't recognize me. We're fine, Alice."

She didn't find it as amusing.

"Oh my gosh!" she let out an exasperated sigh. "Emma Sophia Cullen, I am going to kill you one of these days!"

A small laugh escaped my lips. "No…. you'd miss me too much."

"That's besides the point!"

It was beautiful here. I had always wanted see it. My grandfather would make the trip every several years, his mother had been born here. I could remember a yellow sweater he had brought back for me; there were fuzzy lambs on it. With no need of sleep or rest, I took full advantage of all the islands had to offer. We surfed for days on end, swimming down through the reefs and exploring through a sunken Navy ship. The ocean life was bright and colorful and I found it all very fascinating, but could never get close enough. The fish would swim away whenever I had gotten too close.

We hunted on the southern island, which is mostly made of steep mountain ranges, and is almost entirely uninhabitable. Edward and Bella took Jake and Ness to see Tasmania while Emmett and Rosalie indulged in the adventurous offerings of bungee jumping and sky diving. Emmett had strongly argued his desires to do each without the safety of the bungee rope or parachute. Esme and Carlisle enjoyed learning about the culture and attended museums while Alice and Jasper roamed the islands together. In the end though, we would always come back to one another.

"Alice?" I asked tentatively. The same question had been swimming around in my mind, coming close to the surface now and again before dropping back down.

"Hmm?"

"Why doesn't Jasper like me?"

She stopped and viewed me with a mixture of confusion and curiosity.

"Why ever would you ask something like that?" she said.

"I just don't think he likes me…." I added. "He…I don't know. He never really talks to me and seems to keep a distance. I think I've offended him somehow."

She sighed and continued walking. "Em, he doesn't hate you. He just… needs to sort some things out for himself, that's all. You're the second person who's come into his life who's had very little trouble adjusting to our lifestyle. He's frustrated with himself. And a little embarrassed."

I had known a little of Jasper's past and that he had some trouble adjusting to the vegetarian diet, but I didn't think that my own adjustment had anything to do with it.

"I don't really have a choice," I said " I've mostly stayed clear of human contact. So there's not much for me to brag about."

"Emma, you're just now barely coming out of the newborn phase, it should be the only thing on your mind. Even for a few decades afterwards, and look at you! We shouldn't be able to take you anywhere! Bella had such an easy time adjusting, and then here you come along…. His pride's hurt that's all." she explained.

"I don't mean to bother him." I said quietly.

"I know you don't, but he's a big boy and he's been on his way to working this out for some time now. Don't worry about him." she said. "He is quite fond of you, you know. You were in the military, he can identify with that. And I think he finds it approving as well."

"Really?" I asked.

"Mmmhmm. Just give him some time, he'll come around."

"Hmm, well time is what I have." I said.

"Shall we?" she asked, her voice ringing musically. Alice turned and dove from the cliff with perfect form, completing a rather complicated combination of twists and summersaults with a grace that Greg Louganis would be envious of. She landed at the base of the waterfall and disappeared below the churning water.

"Absolutely." I said. In one bound, I moved forward and launched myself from the edge of the rock, leaping high into the air and leaning back into a dive, straight to the center of the pool below.

Our return home was met with summer storms and Charlie's welcoming arms.

"Have you gotten taller?" He asked as he picked up Renesmee in a bear hug.

"No, grandpa." she giggled.

"Hmm, my eyesight must be going." He replied cheekily.

He spent the after noon with us, relaying the happenings of Forks in our two month absence, and we recounted details of our trip. Details that wouldn't give him a coronary that is. Long after the sun had dipped below the horizon, Charlie's head leaned back with a massive yawn. A look at his watch told him it was passed ten, and he slowly lifted himself to his feet giving his daughter and grandchild warm hugs before biding us goodnight.

"It's your bed time as well." Edward said, putting an arm over Renesmee's shoulders.

"I'm not that tired." she yawned.

"Mmm hmm…Come on." he said.

Bella followed them out to their cottage, never wanting to miss tucking her in. Undoubtedly, Jake would be there soon as well, to curl up below her window and fall asleep. Charlie watched as they went, exhaustion warring with a desire to stay longer. He didn't know the exact details of what we were, and he didn't want to know. But I could see it in his eyes, in the way his shoulders slumped at that moment and the way his feet seemed reluctant to carry him back to his car outside. I could see that Charlie could feel a change coming, that he could sense the inevitable. Carlisle looked ten years younger than he was supposed to be. And with each passing year, suspicion would grow. The good people of Forks, Washington would naturally notice that The Cullens did not seem to age. We were stretching it thin, attempting to stay here for as long as possible, for Charlie's sake, for ours. This had become such a beloved residence for the Cullens, for so many reasons. But soon enough the time would come when we would be forced to move on. And Charlie knew it.

The next day brought a thunderstorm, as Alice had told me there would be. Overhead, dark clouds churned and an electrical hum could be felt, crackling in the air. The warm summer breeze grew into whipping gusts and lightning flashed in the sky. I sent an appreciative look Alice's way and started out for the clearing to the east, newly purchased rugby ball in hand.

With a loud boom, Edward slammed into me, knocking us to the ground. As we fell, I twisted to find Jasper behind me. I lunged and let the ball roll off my finger tips as I passed it along to him. He streaked forward as I came crashing down, and agilely swayed passed Emmett's grasping hands and Carlisle's diving tackle, only to be brought down by Alice. I wasn't sure if he let her. He pushed the ball behind him to Bella's awaiting hands and held Alice by the ankle, so that she could not follow. Edward tore after her, making up the ground between them and dodging Rosalie's block, only to meet his wife standing at the edge of the field, a pleased grin on her face.

The ball was handed off to Renesmee, and she began to race forward, Jasper and Jacob leading the way.

"Go Ness! Go!" Esme called out.

No one intended to tackle her, so they focused on her defenders instead. I flew onto Jake's right side, catching him by the knees and rolling away with him. Jasper pushed Carlisle back and continued forward as Emmett ran behind Nessie. Rosalie came within Jasper's grasp and he held her off as Emmett scooped Renesmee in his arms and ran with her, stiff arming Edward as he went. I laughed out loud as they made their way down field. Renesmee had the ball tightly wrapped in both arms, and Em had her tucked securely in both of his. The image was priceless and everyone had to laugh at the absurdity of it all. When they reached the end of the clearing, Emmett let out a booming whoop almost as loud as the thunder itself. Renesmee giggled and touched his face with the palm of her open hand. He looked down into her eyes and laughed with her. There, standing with his beloved niece cradled so safely in his arms, Emmett smiled softly and laughed at there private joke. The image was enough to steal the breath from my lungs.

I was no longer aware of my surroundings, or even my own body. My knees gave and I blindly slumped to the muddy field beneath me. Seeing only a life long gone, a life not lived, mirrored with the sight before me. Peering into a world where I could not exist, seeing the life I had planned for, a life I had dreamt of. For a brief moment, I was standing in this very meadow, with sun occasionally obscured by billowing clouds that drifted lazily across the sky. A young boy, maybe eight years of age, ran ahead of me. His dark brown hair shone with strands of auburn when the sunlight caught it at the right angles. His light brown eyes alight with adventure as a tall, handsome man walked toward him, a back pack slung over one shoulder and a young girl sitting atop both. Her brown hair falling in loose curls where they escaped her ponytail. Her cheeks rouged against her fair skin as it was met with a crisp breeze. Her grayish blue eyes beaming as she giggled and implored her father to chase after her older brother. The man was maybe a few inches taller than me, I would have come up to the level of his lips. His eyes were a deep sapphire blue and when he smiled, his lips pulled up into a shy, content smile, setting deep dimples into either side of his mouth….

In a distant part of my mind, I wondered if an immobile, unchanging heart could break. If it could wither away and crumble to dust. The numbness in my limbs gave way to a hollow ache that resonated in my chest and seeped throughout the rest of me. I felt sick. I couldn't feel my legs as I stood. I couldn't feel the mud squish between my fingers as I braced myself. I couldn't draw air into my lungs or hear the voices around me. I couldn't feel the rain that had begun to fall in large drops or the hail that accompanied it. I couldn't register the sight of the forest in front of me, only blindly walk forward; not knowing where I was going, only that I was moving away.

Air came in large, shuddering gasps as I moved further and faster. I ran, and didn't stop until I came to a sheer vertical rock face at the base of a mountain. I could have climbed it easily, it would have taken only moments to scale the flat granite surface, with no effort what so ever. But I felt neither the strength nor the will to do so. I simply fell against it, allowing my body to slide down, falling limply to the ground. The shallow, shuddering breaths grew to deep sobs and my eyes closed as my face contorted against the swelling wave of pain that crashed over me. When it did, I could feel something in my chest unhinge with a small clink.

It was Bella who found me there. I didn't have to look to see it was her. I heard her walk slowly toward me and hesitate before sitting beside me and wrapping her arms gently around my shoulders and head. We sat there a long time. She said nothing, just simply held me as wave after wave ebbed and crashed over me.