I hated the look in Clary's eyes, because I knew this was killing her. She dropped the towel and her hands were shaking.
"No!" Her voice was rising. "Jace, you can't. They'll kill you." It was quiet now, pleading, full of pain. I cringed as I picked up a new shirt. I can't leave my Clary like this. I can't. But I need to…
"They'll try to separate me from Sebastian first," I said, looking at her. I knew that was impossible, even the Silent Brothers wouldn't be able to separate us… "If that doesn't work, then they'll kill me." I'll be writing my own death sentence by walking into the Silent City.
"Not good enough." Clary reached for me, but I turned away from her. She was making it harder for me. I pulled my boots on.
"I don't have a choice, Clary." I didn't look her in the eye. I was scared of what I would find there. "This is the right thing to do." She knows it is. We're being selfish…
"It's insane." Clary's voice shook. I hated this. "You're safe here." No I'm not, Clary, I'm really not… "You can't throw away your life—" She was begging and the look in her eyes were ripping out my heart.
"Saving myself is treason." I said. "It's putting a weapon into the hands of the enemy." She was looking at me like… like… I was holding a knife to her throat.
And, I suppose, in a way, I was.
I wasn't only asking to kill myself. I was killing Clary as well. But she would have to live through the pain.
"Who cares about treason?" She was on the verge of tears. "Or the Law?" And suddenly, I heard Alec's voice in my head. "Sed lex dura lex. The Law is hard, but it is the Law." I looked at Clary, the pain etched on her face was driving me crazy. "I care about you." I know you do, baby, I know you do. I have to do this… "We'll figure this out together—" I wish we could, Clary.
"We can't figure this out." I grabbed my stele from the nightstand and put it in my pocket and took the Cup in my hand. It burned. "Because I'm only going to be for a little while longer." And at least I got this time with you. "I love you, Clary." I took a step closer to her and tilted her face up to mine. I wasn't surprised to see tears sparkling in her eyes, but it still broke my heart. I kissed her. "Do this for me." I whispered. Clary shook her head.
"I absolutely will not," Her voice was stronger now. "I will not try to help you get yourself killed." I will not help you kill me, too.
But I turned away from her and walked towards the door. She couldn't see the tears running down my face. I wiped them quickly away before Clary could catch up with me.
"This is crazy," She whispered angrily. "Putting yourself in the path of danger—"
I sighed. "As if you don't." It killed me. Every time I saw her fighting, risking her life. I could never bear the thought of losing my Clary, such a big part of me… I couldn't take it. But I'm about to the same thing to her…
"Right, and it makes you furious." She retorted. It does because I can't stand to see you in pain. "Remember what you said to me in Alicante—"
We stopped in the kitchen and I put the Cup down on the counter, turning to face her. I took the stele out and ran my hand across the blade. I remember the look on her face as I yelled at her…
"I had no right to say that." I said. Clary's eyes were wide. "Clary, this is what we are. We're Shadowhunters. This is what we do. There are risks we take that aren't just the risks you find in battle." Her small hands grabbed my wrists and she stared at me. She was scared. Not just for me, but for her, too. She knew what would happen to her when I went to the Silent City and the Silent Brothers killed me.
"I won't let you." Her voice was full of so much pain, so much fear, so much love… It hurt. I had nothing left.
"Clarissa—" I whispered. I saw a look in her eyes, the look when she was about to something she was going to regret, but it was for my own good. Something she was already sorry for, and she was begging me to understand why she was doing what she was about to do.
She took a deep breath.
I knew what she was going to do. And I can't blame her for it. I would have done the same thing. Oh, Clary…
"Jonathan!" She screamed. My heart stopped. I knew she was going to do this, I knew it was going to happen. She's not just saving me; she's saving herself. "Jonathon Christopher Morgenstern!"
My eyes widened. "Clary—" Clary, Clary… Oh, baby, why? She let go of me and the warmth left me. She backed away. I can tell she was worried, scared that I hated her for this, that I don't understand.
But I do, Clary, I do. And I love you, I love you so much. Please don't hate yourself. I understand… He's the only thing that could physically make me stay.
And then… he was there. "Lover's spat?" He smirked. He had a knife in his hand. Why did he have a knife? Maybe it was better I stayed, I needed to protect Clary…
"His rune's damaged." Clary's voice was shaking, she hated herself for this, I could tell. Oh, Clary, please… don't hate yourself. I understand. "Here." She put her hand over her heart, and her hand was shaking even more than her voice. "He's trying to go back, to give himself up to the Clave—" Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at me, begging me to understand.
But, I do, baby, I do.
Sebastian took the Cup from my hand. When had I picked it up again? He slammed it down on the kitchen counter and Clary jumped. I didn't move as he walked towards me and grabbed me by the front of my shirt.
Where was I? Why wasn't I fighting him? Pushing him away?
The top buttons of my shirt popped open—this was Clary's favorite shirt—and he slashed the point of his stele into my skin. He carved an iratze into it. I bit my lip and stared at him. I wanted to fight him.
"Honestly, Jace," His voice was… he sounded as though he thought he were better than me. My hatred for him only increased. "The idea that you thought you could get away with something like this just knocks me out." He smirked. Clary looked terrified behind him. She wasn't scared of him, I know her better than that, she was scared of how I felt about her right now.
I love you, Clary.
Sebastian's voice was a little choked now. "Next time… you want to be knocked out…" My hands curled into fists. "I'd be happy to help you. Maybe with a brick. You'll thank me later. Even you have to admit this death wish of yours is a little extreme."
Clary looked at me, like she was expecting me to fight back. But I had to calm myself so I wouldn't punch him. My voice was cold and very clear when I spoke to him.
"I won't remember this later," I said, glaring at him. "But you will. That person who acts like your friend—" I took a step forward. There was no space between us now. I heard Clary gasp. "That person who acts like they like you. That person isn't real. This is real. This is me." Clary smiled a little from behind him. That gave me the fuel I needed. "And I hate you. I will always hate you. And there is no magic and no spell in this world or any other that will ever change that."
His smile faded. But I grew stronger and looked at Clary. My Clary.
"I need you to know," I said, afraid she would hate me for this is. "the truth—I didn't tell you all the truth." Her eyes widened.
"The truth is dangerous." Sebastian said, holding the stele like a knife. He wouldn't hurt me. "Be careful what you say."
I cringed, I was breathing heavily.. the healing of the rune on my chest was hurting like hell. "The plan," I gasped. "To raise Lilith, to make a new Cup, to create a dark army—that wasn't Sebastian's plan." Clary's eyes grew even wider, spread with fear and pain. "It was mine."
She froze. "What?" I knew she didn't blame me for it, it was him that did it, but it was still me…
"Sebastian knew what he wanted." I said. "But I figured out how he could do it. A new Mortal Cup—I gave him that idea." I jerked in pain. The rune healing hurt was killing me. "Or, should I say, he did. That thing that looks like me, but isn't He'll burn the whole world down if Sebastian wants him to, and laugh while he's gong it." I knew my next words would break her heart. "That's what you're saving, Clary. That. Don't you understand? I'd rather be dead—"
And I knew I was done. In a matter of seconds, I would be him again. I didn't get to tell Clary I loved her… It hurt so much, this pain…
Everything was blurry for a moment, then it was clear before the edges blurred around the edges. Clary was standing across the room with tears streaming down her face.
"What's going on?" I asked, looking around.
"Welcome back." Sebastian laughed.
What? Where had I gone?
All I knew is that I felt much more empty than I had before…