Chapter Two: Women's Studies 101
When Gaston was finally aware of himself, he looked around to see that he was no longer falling—but instead in his own home.
"We're—where—what…" He stammered, struggling to comprehend.
"We're back in time, bro. This is exactly the day that you decided to marry Belle, therefore instituting the major flow of pig shit that followed that decision." His Fairy explained with a sandwich in his hand.
"Oh perfect!" Gaston exclaimed as he headed towards the door. "I can start all over! I'll do everything right this time! I know why she said no—the wedding procession wasn't enough! If I can—"
Gaston was already at the front door, when his Fairy took one gigantic hand and slammed the door tight.
"No bro, no." His Fairy commanded, as he coaxingly pushed him back into the living room.
"But—but—"
"Bro, calm your beautifully sculpted tits and sit down." His Fairy commanded as he pushed him into a chair and walked in front of him, beside a chalk board that he had conjured up. Taking a bite of his steak sandwich, he began, "The reason Belle turned you down flatter than a stepped on pancake was because you did the douchiest thing a man can do and—" (taking a piece of chalk and scribbling on the board behind him, he wrote out one big word 'ASSUMED')
"Ass-umed?!" Gaston read incorrectly. "I never once tried putting my man hood in her…!"
"No! No! Assumed!" The Fairy interrupted, stressing the word. "You ASSUMED that she was already madly in love with you, you assumed she would be happier than all to be the mother of your brolic boys, you ASSUMED you would want to be married within seconds of being engaged and without her family present, without time to get excited. YOU ASSUMED BRO. AND ASSUMING is a no go."
"Why would any of that be a bad thing to assume though?" Gaston inquired blankly. "That's how my parents got married!"
"Yeah but your mom also lived with an abusive alcoholic father and it wasn't your dad who said 'hey let's get married in two point five seconds'. Your mom made that decision!"
"My mom made a decision before?" Gaston nearly cried out, incredulously. "I never knew my mom could think."
"Well, she didn't do much of that after your folks got married but Belle isn't like your mom. She's not going to stop thinking once you two get married."
"She'll stop thinking once we get to the wedding night." Gaston jested suggestively.
The Fairy paused before joining in on the creepy laughter and even went over to high-five Gaston again. But this time, when Gaston raised his hand, the Fairy didn't make contact with his palm—he just smacked him upside the head.
"Lesson number two: Don't make sexual advances without the women's consent." The Fairy declared as he scribbling the litany on the board. "That means: 'no leering' 'no sex jokes, puns or innuendos' unless it turns out she has that kind of sense of humor and isn't offended by them, 'no unwanted touching' and, this is crucial, 'NO MORE FORCING HER TO MARRY YOU'."
Raising his hand, Gaston asked, "What does 'consent' mean?"
"Consent means she's making it clear that she wants to have sex to you. And no, to answer your next question, you can't just assume she's making it clear. She has to either say it or make clear advances in getting your pants to be down."
Raising his hand again, Gaston asked a more horrifying question: "Why?"
"Because doing what you keep trying to do, is BAD!" The Fairy Bro-Parent said, underlying that word intensely. "Very, very bad. In the future, they call what you do 'attempted rape'."
"And this 'rape' is…also bad?" Gaston asked, struggling.
"Very bad, bro. Very, very bad." His Guy Guardian implored before an idea formed and he instructed his student, "Okay, I'll give you an example why. Imagine the meanest, most violent man you've ever known."
Sadly enough Gaston thought of his father.
"Okay, now imagine the guy walks into your bar one day and starts calling you out. He's saying all these horrible things about your muscles not being muscular enough. He's calling you a wimp. He's just being a real asshole to you."
Gaston gasped, clutching his triceps protectively. He then remembered who he was and began, "No one tells Gaston—"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." He interrupted him, not about to listening to a grown man talk about himself in the third person. "No one tells Gaston—but this dude just did. And you know what, not only is this dude doing all that, he just so happens to fight dirty. So next thing you know, he's overpowered you, you're on the ground and you're hurt but he doesn't care—and you know what that psycho does next?"
Hanging onto the story as still as a dead dog, Gaston shook his head.
"He takes a nasty, smelly finger and shoves it up your butt hole."
Immediately, Gaston felt a ghost pain shoot through his backside. He even flinched.
"I bet you'd feel pretty violated. Even humiliated." The Fairy went on.
Gaston nodded his head fearfully.
"Well that happened to a women somewhere in the world—every day." The Fairy said somberly. "And they don't get one little finger and what they get is far, far more painful to deal with."
"I would never humiliate Belle like that." Gaston declared, his voice soft from genuineness. "The only thing I wanted to shove into her would make her happy."
"Well, back when you were letting your downstairs private take command of your upstairs captain, that's what you would have done to Belle if your plan had worked and she married you to save her father." His Bruh-dian informed, his profound words lost in a gross sea of him eating with his mouth open.
Gaston, his taunt jaw slack, sat back bewildered but now aware. "Wow. Fairy Bro-Parent you just gave me a lot to think about."
"Excellent my bro-son excellent. But I am afraid we have a lot more to cover and a lot more for you to think about if you are ever going to truly respect women."
"How much more?" Gaston groaned.
"Well…We still got to discuss…" The Fairy Bro-Parent began mysteriously as he used his body to block what he was not writing on the board. Once he was done, he turned around and said dramatically, "'The menstrual cycle'."
"Oh I know about this already." Gaston dismissed cockily. "You just don't let them near bears and make sure you have more than one bed sheets."
With that he was given a swift punch in the tricep as a response.
"OW!"
"Shut up and start taking some notes." His Fairy Parent instructed as he took a huge bite out of his steak and egg sandwich.
"Can I have some of that?"
"Not until you can tell me where a woman belongs…AND DON'T SAY THE KITCHEN."
"Um…the bedroom?" (This was received by two punches) "Ow!"
"Get a pen and some paper. We're going to be here a while."