A/N: So I'm starting to think I was a little over ambitious with setting myself the Tuesday deadline to get this whole story up! I can't help it I just can't stop writing Nick and Jess!
Thanks for all the amazing responses to this story, I'm really glad people are enjoying it. I also promise that Jess WILL be in the next chapter.
So Nick told Schmidt everything, from the start. Schmidt knew about the first kiss of course, that had all come out with parking spot and no nail oath drama but Nick filled in the details he had kept secret. He told him about the moment between them behind the iron curtain that night, the awkwardness and tension which followed their first kiss. He told him about the specifics of the Jess pain-pill confession and the hot make out session which had ended up destroying his fish tank and flooding their apartment. He told him about the disastrous date, all the confusion and awkwardness that had occurred and of course Russell and his stupid game. About Jess's decision for Middle School rules and the moment they had shared in the hall before bed last night. He told him about all the charged moments and longing looks, all the mixed signals and uncertainty that hung between them for months.
"So that's about it." Nick said leaning back against the hard wall of the house. It felt good to put it all out there to someone else, to say it out loud, even it was Schmidt.
"And?" Schmidt said.
"And what?" Nick replied.
"Well apart from Russell's guest appearance last night and the truth that my fish tank was attacked by your hormones and not those meth addict burglars again…" Schmidt said, Nick still couldn't believe he had gone for that excuse. "…You haven't told me anything I didn't already know."
Nick gave him a confused look.
"Nick, I live there too remember? All your secret little looks and eye-sex sessions…" Schmidt shuddered.
"We do not have eye-sex!" Nick protested.
"Please, every time she asks you to open a jar or pick up a heavy box you practically mount her with your pupils." Schmidt snapped. "Jess is lucky she wears glasses or she'd probably be with chubby grumpy child by now."
"Jar." Nick said, then he heard his words. "Aha, so you see the jar thing too? I knew she did that on purpose."
"Only to you Nick." Schmidt corrected. "She doesn't ask me to open Jars or Winston to help her put up a shelf. She only ever goes to you."
Nick didn't say anything. Schmidt was right, Jess always did come to him for help, he always told himself it was because they were friends and because their other two roommates were pretty much useless. But maybe she wanted him to help her, maybe she needed him? Nick liked that idea very much.
"Look Nick I get it, you like Jess, but what I don't get is why we're here." He said pointing around to their less than ideal current location. "Why is so important for you to get those damn cards back?"
"Because I have to know what she wrote, I have to know how she feels!" Nick yelled.
"Oh yes and of course there are absolutely no other ways or means for you to find that information. It's not as if you could call her, or text, or email, Facebook, Twitter…hey Skype's always fun, a little web cam action?" He said. "I mean it's not like you live in the same apartment and see her every single day…oh wait! Boom!" Schmidt roared in Nick's face.
"I can't ask her! I…I just can't…" Nick stammered angrily, awkwardly standing on his feet. "I need to know how she feels before I talk to her."
"Nick what the hell are you doing, sit back down." Schmidt said. "Jessica Day is not worth throwing yourself off this roof…besides with all that extra padding you're carrying you'd probably just bounce."
Nick ignored Schmidt's barbs. "No, I came here to get those cards and that is exactly what I am going to do!" He said looking up at the window a little to the left of the ledge where they sat. "I need to know if she feels the…" he said, almost to himself as he bent down and tried to pull one of the tiles off the ledge. "…cause if she doesn't…I don't think I could…" he said as he finally yanked one terracotta tile free. "Yes!"
Schmidt watched wide eyed and concerned as Nick stood on the edge of the ledge close as he could get to the window. "Nick what are you doing?"
Then there was a loud crash and the sound of shattering glass as the tile exploded through the window, landing inside with a light thud. Nick turned to Schmidt and smiled broadly, "Perfect."
"Perfect?" Schmidt asked incredulously. "Have you lost your mind Nick? We are literally breaking and entering into the home of our roommates ex-boyfriend so you can steal some stupid notes on the back of valet cards as if they're the Holy Grail to see if she maybe kind of likes you! This is insane, it's like the Goonies meets Fatal Attraction!" Schmidt yelled trying to force Nick to sit back down. "Which, incidentally I feel it is my duty to remind you as the only sane person here you have no idea if they are even in there! Russell probably threw them away! We'd probably have more luck going through his trash than breaking into his house!"
"Good thinking Schmidty, we'll look there second. Can you give me a boost?" Nick asked quite calmly.
Schmidt stared up at Nick in disbelief, "Can I give you…are you serious? No I will not give you a boost! I want no more part in this insanity Nick." He said getting to his feet, dusting off his jeans. "And I want that made perfectly clear to the police when they arrive to take you off to the nut house."
"Dammit Schmidt will you just help me!" Nick screamed in Schmidt's face.
"No Nick, not until you tell me why." Schmidt demanded, "Not until you tell me why this beyond ridiculous card situation has sent you completely insane!"
"Because I think I'm in love with her!" Nick screamed turning back to face Schmidt who was clearly taken aback by his outburst. Nick immediately collapsed back against the wall, sliding down against it silently as closed his eyes and rubbed his hand down his face.
Schmidt remained standing above him, "You think or you know?"
Nick looked up at Schmidt and let out a tired sigh, "I know. I'm in love with Jess." He said quietly as he drew his legs to his chest, resting his head on his knees. "That's why I gotta know what she wrote on that card Schmidt, I gotta know how she feels."
"Ay yai yai!" Schmidt exhaled before sliding down next to Nick. "I knew it! I've seen it…we all see it, there's this…there's something between you two." Schmidt said.
Nick didn't answer. He had nothing else to say, something was right.
"I knew this was going to happen from the start…" Schmidt yelled. "That was why I came up with the oath in the first place. Dammit Nicholas!" he said slapping Nick on the back of the head like he was his mother.
"Ow Schmidt!" Nick said rubbing the back of his head. "The oath? That was like two years ago Schmidt! This thing with Jess and me has only been happening the last few months." Nick insisted.
Schmidt scoffed at his words, "Come on Nick be real, even you cannot be this slow. This thing has been going on since Jessica Day moved her pretty little butt into the room across from yours and you rushed to that restaurant to rescue her and caused your testicles to question their validity when you sang Dirty Dancing to her…"
"So did you and Coach!" Nick protested.
"Only because you made us! It was all you Nick! From that moment on, it was game over, you were a goner." Schmidt said simply. "Which is why we needed the oath, something to keep you in line, I never thought in a million years you'd actually go for it. You never make a move Nick."
"I know, I think it was the trench coat." He muttered. "It's just its different with Jess…I can't help it…I can't stop…"
Schmidt sighed and stood back up, reaching his arm out to Nick, "Get up."
"What?" Nick said still sitting on the now damaged ledge.
"I'll give you a boost." Schmidt said simply.
Nick stood up slowly, "But what about everything you said earlier? About me being the king of self-sabotage? That I'm damaged and this will never work and just ruin everyone's lives?"
"Oh no that's definitely going to happen. Nothing's changed there." He replied.
"Then why are you helping me?" Nick asked.
"You're my best friend." Schmidt said before he lent his hands on his knees creating a step for Nick to reach up to the broken window.
Nick looked at his friend and smiled, sometimes he really struggled to justify why he had remained friends with Schmidt for ten years but then there were times it was easy to see. Nick made mental note to buy him a cookie tomorrow. "Thanks…" he said quietly.
A few moments and awkward manoeuvres later and they were finally both inside the house. They were in a bathroom, probably one of twenty in this place Nick thought. They quietly opened the door and crept out into the hallway, it was enormous, like a hotel. They assumed no one was home given there had been no response to all the commotion and noise they had made so far but still they moved carefully. Schmidt actually dropped and rolled along the floor at one point, making odd hand gestures which Nick assumed were met to be Navy Seal style but was pretty sure were just nonsense and most likely offensive in most cultures.
"Schmidt what the hell are you doing?" Nick sighed. "Get off the floor."
Schmidt shook his head as they approached a corner, signalling for Nick to stop. "This is black ops stuff Nick. We need to come up with a plan, think strategically, really get into the mind of Russell. It will be easier for me, having actually known what it feels like to experience success but I can help… Nick what are you doing?" he snapped as he looked up at Nick who was in the process of opening every door they passed.
"I have a plan Schmidt." He said closing one door of a linen closet and then opening the next which lead to another bathroom. "Open every door until I find Russell's bedroom."
Schmidt scoffed, "You have no vision or discipline Nick. You would make a terrible secret agent, you're such a Neanderthal."
"Yeah well you're not exactly James Bond either." Nick snapped. "Now will you stop being a dumbass, get off the floor and help me look!"
Schmidt stared at Nick affronted but steadily got to his feet then a peculiar smile spread across his face. "You know I think you could be onto something there Nick."
"What?" Nick asked exasperated.
"A Jewish Bond. It's exactly what the franchise needs, bring a little chutzpah to the role." Schmidt said seriously.
"Good god will you just shut up and help me look!" Nick roared.
Schmidt relented, "Ok, ok…James Bond I would have totally found the cards by now."
Nick turned and glared at Schmidt who thankfully didn't respond. They searched the next few doors in silence, they found guest bedrooms, closets and numerous bathrooms until they finally reached Russell's bedroom.
Nick knew instantly this was Russell's bedroom, it was like the Presidential suite of some fancy hotel, it was grand, masculine and mature, like Russell. Nick thought about his room back at the loft, his unmade bed surrounded by beer bottles and dirty clothes, posters on the wall like he was still in college. Nick had never felt so pathetic in all his life.
"Wow check out that bed." Schmidt said as he moved closer to Russell's huge wooden four poster bed, it looked like something Henry VIII would have slept it. "I bet this bad boy has seen a lot of traffic. Jess never said it was so…" Schmidt said turning to Nick and seeing the look of pure rage on his face. "But you probably don't want to think about Russell and Jess…in the bed…you know….doing the…" he didn't finish his sentence but instead finished visually, performing the most forceful crotch thrust Nick had had the misfortune to see.
"No." Nick growled, doing anything in his power to keep from looking at the gigantic bed. It's much bigger than yours, the taunting voice in his head said. Nick shook himself, "Look Schmidt you look in this room ok, check his jackets and pants pockets for the cards."
Schmidt nodded, "Ok, what colour was he wearing?"
"He was wearing suit." Nick shrugged.
"Of course he was wearing a suit Nick this is Russell we're talking about, I asked you what colour. Black? Grey? Pinstripe?"
"I have no idea Schmidt it was a suit! A fancy stupid fancyman suit ok! Just check them all if you have to!" Nick snapped, "I'll check downstairs."
And then Nick left the room as quickly as possible, not able to stand another minute in the room he knew Jess had been with Russell. As he reached the top of the stairs he heard Schmidt scream out in pure elation which Nick understood to mean he had located Russell's closet. Nick ignored him and made his way to the room he was convinced held the answers he so desperately needed.
Nick entered the study silently and cautiously, like he was entering a library or church, it felt like a sacred place. Nick surveyed a room to which he had previously felt such a connection and warm memory. As he stood here now and thought of his time as President Miller he felt completely ridiculous, like a little boy playing in his dad's work stuff. He shook the thought from his mind and set about his search. He checked every draw, file and cupboard twice over but found nothing. He was sure Russell would have put the cards in here. Maybe Schmidt was right, maybe he didn't care and just threw them away.
Nick collapsed into the comfortable brown leather chair behind the desk and rubbed his eyes in despair. He swivelled the chair around and took in the book case in front of him, full of books, trophies, awards and plaques of commendations, as well as exotic looking ornaments from all the travelling he had done. God that was a lot of books, Nick thought to himself, how could one man need so many books? Nick bet half of them weren't even real, just those fake cardboard ones that put out on displays in department stores to make it more homey. Then Nick had a sudden brainwave, he jumped out of the chair and immediately starting pulling books down on their side, expecting the bookshelf to swing open any minute and reveal Russell's hidden room. Nick tried more and more books but still nothing happened.
"Come on!" He growled. He grabbed the wooden duck from the shelf. "At least give me a clue man!"
"Maybe I can be of assistance?" A cool calm voice asked from behind him.
Still clutching the wooden duck in his hands Nick turned around to see Russell standing in the doorway to the study. He didn't look too surprised to see Nick here.
"Russell I…" Nick said but had no clue where to begin. "What are you doing here?"
"I live here Nick." Russell answered simply.
"Right." Nick said. "Sorry."
"And you Nick, are you here for something in particular or did you stop by just to catch up with Donald." Russell asked moving forward, resting his briefcase on the desk.
"Donald?" Nick asked, confused.
"The duck." Russell said nodding to the wooden animal trapped in Nicks grasp.
"Donald Duck. I get it…cool name." Nick said feeling so stupid. At least he wasn't wearing Russell's clothes this time, small mercies Miller.
"My daughter picked it out." Russell replied coolly, his expression gave absolutely nothing away.
Nick placed the duck on the table. "I came for the cards Russell."
Russell nodded. "I know."
"Do you still have them?" Nick asked hoping the anxiety was hidden in his voice.
"Yes."
Nick could not help but let out a small sigh of relief. "Can I have them?"
Russell surveyed Nick for a moment, "Does Jess know you're here?"
Nick scowled, "What? Why, what does that have to do with anything?"
But Russell didn't answer Nick; he just pushed his own question once more. "Jess, does she know you came here? Does she know you want the cards?"
Nick was starting to get pissed now, what kind of game was Russell trying to play now. He just wanted to get the damn cards and get out of here. "No, ok? She doesn't know I came here."
"I see." Russell replied with a curt nod.
"Look Russell are you going to give me the cards or not?" Nick snapped, with little clue what he would do if Russell refused. Maybe he would throw Donald at him.
But Russell half-smiled, "Yes Nick I'll give them to you, they are after all yours. But first I want to talk to you, please take a seat."
Nick sighed and went to sit back down in the brown leather chair.
"On this side of the table." Russell corrected him.
Nick hovered in the air for a second above the soft leather, "Right, right of course…" he mumbled before scurrying around to the other side of the desk, watching as Russell took his seat with poise and self-assurance Nick couldn't possibly muster. They sat in silence for a moment, Nick waited for Russell to begin, he felt like a kid who had been sent to the principal's office.
"Nick firstly I want to apologise to you for my behaviour last night, it wasn't appropriate for me to interfere in yours and Jess's evening." Russell said regrettably. "Secondly, I assume you and Jess chose not to share your feelings with one another seeing as you have broken into my house in order to get the cards back?"
Nick nodded, not letting his eyes meet Russell's.
"Can I ask how the two of you have left things?" Russell asked.
"Fine. Things are fine." Nick shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His was getting really angry now. "Look Russell why are you doing this? Why did you even make us do this stupid thing in the first place?"
Russell sighed, "I'm not sure, when I saw you two together last night you reminded me of someone I used to know and…" he paused for a moment. "But you're right Nick it was not my place." He said standing up and walking over to the bookcase. He stood there for a moment surveying the books before carefully selecting a thin volume and pulling it towards him.
"I was right! You do have a secret room behind there!" Nick yelled pointing to the bookcase as he waited for it to part and reveal Russell's secret compartment.
However again this didn't happen, instead Russell sat down clutching the thin book in his hands. "You thought my bookshelf was a secret doorway? Seriously? Do you think I am some sort of Bond villain Nick."
Nick shook his head in protest, ignoring the Bond comment. "No, no of course not, that would be crazy and stupid."
Russell didn't answer but opened the book to a middle page. Nick finally saw the two small pieces of paper which had consumed his mind all day.
"What is that?" Nick asked nodding to the book.
"It's a book of French poems, Jess gave it to me." Russell said not looking at Nick for the first time. Nick noticed the sadness in his voice as he said her name; it seemed Jessica Day had power over more men than just Nick Miller. Russell held the cards in his hands, "Nick before I give these to you, will you answer one more thing?"
Nick groaned, he just wanted the damn cards already, "Sure, whatever."
"Obviously I know what you wrote on your card, I know how you feel." Russell paused. "Jess has lived three feet away from you for the better part of two years now, you're together day in and day out, why couldn't you just walk over, knock on her door and ask her how she feels?"
Nick didn't answer, it was the same question Schmidt had asked him, it was the same question that smug and superior voice in his head kept asking. Why couldn't he just ask Jess?
Russell nodded at his silence and simply handing him the valet cards. Nicks hands actually shook as he took them. He didn't know whether he should just get up and go, he didn't really want to do this in front of Russell, but then he reminded himself Russell had already seen them and Nick couldn't wait any longer. He turned over the first card noting his own scruffy scrawl of words, tucking it behind the other he saw Jess's card. The appearance couldn't have been more different than Nick's, her script elegant and graceful like her. Slowly he took a deep breath and read what she had written.
'Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.'
I don't know what will happen but I can't imagine my life without Nick. He's my best friend.
Nick read the words over and over and then again. What did the quote mean? Nick had never heard it before. Trust Jess to throw in a total curveball. She couldn't imagine her life without him that made Nick's heart pound; he couldn't imagine his life without her either. He prayed there would never come a day she wasn't in it. She had called him her best friend and that had surprised him, truly, she always referred to CeCe as her best friend. But then she had written that she didn't know what would happen between them, she wasn't sure. And Nick suddenly felt all the happiness he felt at her other words evaporated. He had hoped her words would give him certainty one way or the other as to her true feelings but he felt just as lost as before.
Finally after what felt like an hour he looked up to Russell, "The quote…"
"It's a French poet and writer, Jean de La Fontaine, he's in this book." He said tapping the book lightly on the desk.
"Right." Nick replied quietly, no wonder he had never heard of it, he pretended not to be annoyed Jess had made a reference to something he would never had understood but Russell knew instantly. Awkward silence fell between them as Nick read the words again, the more he read them, the more confused his mind became.
Finally Russell broke the void, "Nick…"
"Who did we remind you of?" Nick cut him off looking up from Jess's card. "You said when you saw us together we reminded you of someone, who was it?" although Nick was pretty sure he knew the answer.
"Me and Ouli." Russell answered.
"You and your ex-wife?" Nick snapped. "You think me and Jess are like you and your ex-wife?"
"Not as people no, but your…relationship." Russell explained. "The want and the passion, the tension and strain, the continual on and off. Nick we did it for twenty years and it was exhausting." Russell paused as Nick glared at him, "Nick I have no doubt in my mind of how much you care for Jess, your note is proof enough of that but like I said last night you don't know what you truly are to each other because you're so much already. You are probably the single most important people in each other's lives and if you take that step further, everything will change. Trying to sustain a relationship with anyone is hard but when that person is as Jess is to you is so difficult. You can end up losing everything."
"Is that what happened with you and Ouli?" Nick asked.
Russell nodded, "We were each other's entire worlds for so long, it was mad, deep passionate love and then slowly it just…fell apart and now we can't even bear to be near each other for more than five minutes."
"Just cause that happened to you doesn't mean it would happen to me and Jess." Nick snarled.
"Perhaps not." Russell said. "But like I asked you before Nick if you are so sure about Jess why couldn't you just talk to her? Find out how she feels from her."
Again Nick didn't answer; he glanced down at Jess's card in his hands.
"You're scared Nick, I understand. You're scared of what she'll say, that she won't feel the same as you or worse that she will." Russell said. "That she will feel exactly the same way and then you will have nothing stopping you from finally having everything you want and then all you have left is the fear you will lose it all."
Nick looked up; it was like Russell was inside his head. This is what it had always come down to, Nick wasn't good enough for Jess and he never would be, that's what stopped him from truly going after her. He thought back to Schmidt's earlier words, 'You're the king of self-sabotage', and it was true. Nick had always managed to mess things up for himself, law school, jobs, relationships, he always found a way to wreck things that were good for him. He told himself that Jess could make him better; he wanted to be better for her but what if he made her worse? What if he dragged her beautiful sparkly rainbow and sunshine life down into his dark and dismal world? What he if made her as broken as he was? He couldn't bare it if did that to Jess.
He looked around the room, at all the images and examples of Russell's immense success in life. If he couldn't make it work with Ouli with everything he had to offer, what chance in hell did Nick have?
"Nick? Are you ok?" Russell said.
Nick nodded but didn't say anything.
"Look Nick I'm not saying you and Jess shouldn't try this, all I'm saying is you need to talk to her, you need to it out." Russell said. "You can't just jump into it not knowing what's going to happen."
Nick nodded, "Yeah ok, well thanks…for these." He said holding up the cards as he stood. "I better go."
Russell stood up and walked around the desk, he held his hand out to Nick, "I wish you all the best Nick, I really do."
Nick shook his hand and thanked him again. He quickly shoved the cards in his pocket, as though he was scared Russell would take them back. He turned to leave when he was met with a horrifying sight.
"I know Russell was kinda a boring douche but man does he have style. Look at this baby!" Schmidt yelled appearing in the doorway wearing what appeared to be Russell's silk robe.
"Schmidt!" Nick yelled. He had completely forgotten he had left Schmidt loose in Russell's closet.
"Is that my robe?" Russell asked angrily.
Schmidt nodded.
"Please tell me you are wearing underwear?" Russell pleaded.
Schmidt looked up sheepishly and lifted the robe, "Do Russell's count?"
Nick hung his head in despair and clung tightly to the cards in his pocket.