Golden Sun: The Not-So-Lost-But-Really-Locked-In-Felix's-Junk-Drawer-Age…or for
short—T.N.S.L.B.R.L.I.F.J.D.A
Chapter Two: WHASSUP WIT DAT?!
Summary: This part stars…ALEX! Everyone's favorite blue-haired evil person! (Well,
maybe not everyone's favorite, but work with me here.) Don't worry, Felix n' Crew will
still be in this story. What kind of a Felix's-Junk-Drawer fanfic would this be if Felix and
'those other guys' weren't there too? Get ready for a full helping of "Bob," dried prunes,
The Golden Sun Storytelling-Around-A-Campfire-Hour, and of course, everyone's
favorite…Alex's "Whassup Wit Dat?!" List. Enjoy!
Finally the stupid person playing the game—
"Yeah, the stupid person playing the game like it was their FIRST TIME
PLAYING!" yelled poor Felix.
Stuff it, Felix. Anyhoo, finally, the stupid person playing the game (let's just call
him "Bob") like it was their first time playing Golden Sun (there, Felix, are you happy?)
shut it off, and Felix n' Friends could dance merrily around the maypole rejoicing at the
wonder of Bob's short attention span. After dancing around the maypole for perhaps half
an hour, Alex finally sat down on the grass.
"GAH! OW!"
Oh yeah…he sat down right on top of Felix's pointy Psy Crystal. Ouch.
"FELIX!"
"What?!"
"Why did you leave your Psy Crystal there?!"
"Because it's beautiful."
Alex decided not to press the matter, as he knew Felix would never give him an
answer that would actually relate to the situation of the Psy Crystal going up his ass. Oh
well. That's what you get for looking cool, eh Alex?
"What? I look cool? Do you really think so? Because I thought I was really
overdoing it with the blue hair and the boots and the thick gloves and—"
Oh, never mind.
To take his tiny mind off of the matter, Alex took out a piece of paper and a
pencil. Luckily Kraden hadn't eaten all of the paper. Even luckier, Felix had tricked
Kraden into finishing off their supply of candied yams by putting them in Kraden's
peanut-butter-and-anchovy sandwich. That meant that Alex didn't have to eat them. Now
if he could only weasel himself out of eating those Flintstones chewable vitamins (part of
a complete breakfast!) then he'd be home free. He decided to just dump Fred, Wilma, and
Barney behind Kraden's ratty old couch again. Felix never looked behind the couch,
although Sheba did. But then again, nobody listened to Sheba. In fact right at that very
moment she was running around screaming about flying donkeys. Nobody paid much
attention to her.
Alex began writing on the paper. (Don't ask me how he learned to write.) The-
always-curious-Jenna (she gets it from her brother! ?) of course went over to Alex and
said, "Whatcha doing?" in her most innocent voice. For plot convenience reasons I've
decided not to make her cranky anymore.
"I'm writing."
"Whatcha writing?"
"You'll see."
"Can I see now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"No."
"How about now?"
"NO."
"Now??"
"NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!" yelled Alex.
"O-kaaay," said Jenna. "You don't have to be so mean about it." Then she
skipped merrily away to go bother Felix.
"Tra-la-la-la-la…hi Felix! Whatcha doing?"
"Go bother Kraden," Felix said.
"Okay!"
And off she went to go bother Kraden, who was eating another peanut-butter-and-
anchovy sandwich. Little did he know that Felix had stuck a few dried prunes in his
sandwich as well. Hey, it was the only way Felix could get Kraden to take his
recommended fiber intake. Remember kids, if you don't want to end up like Kraden, eat
your vitamins! :)
And so, finally, it was time for "Storytelling-Around-The-Campfire" hour.
"All right, whose turn is it for storytelling?" said Felix miserably. He hated
Storytelling Hour. But he had to do it, otherwise Kraden would either a) scream and beat
his fists on his ratty couch for several hours, or b) act like a giddy schoolgirl (as Jenna
pointed out—pay more attention to the beginning of the game if you don't get it, dimwit!)
"It's my turn!" said Alex, acting like a giddy schoolgirl. "Okay, today I made up
something SPECIAL for you guys!"
Felix hit himself on the head.
"Didja lose control of yourself again, Felix?" said Jenna, bouncing up and down.
"Huh? Didja? Didja? Didja?"
"I don't like special things," Felix said. "I like being boring. Why can't you be
boring too?"
"Well I don't wanna."
"Guys, guys! Don't you want to hear what I wrote?"
"All right, all right," Felix said. "Hurry up and let's get this over and done with."
"Okay, today I made up my very own 'Whassup Wit Dat?!' List," said Alex
happily.
"Oh god," Felix said, putting his head in his hands.
"You don't look so good, Felix," Jenna, the ever-concerned sister, said. "You
really should start eating your vitamins."
"I DO eat my vitamins! In fact I'm the ONLY one who eats them! Nobody else
even considers the fact that you need multivitamins to grow strong, healthy bones! Alex
just dumps them behind Kraden's ratty old couch!"
Alex pretended he hadn't heard that.
"Okay—my 'Whassup Wit Dat?!' List. Number one…If it takes fewer muscles to
smile than to frown, why does my face hurt when I'm smiling? Huh? WHASSUP WIT
DAT?!"
"That had nothing to do with Golden Sun!" Felix yelled.
"I know, dawg, I know. Hey, I can add that in! That had nothing to do with
Golden Sun! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
"My name isn't 'dawg,' it's FELIX!" growled Felix through clenched teeth.
"Hee hee, you look like a real dog when you make that face. Anyhoo…Number
two. How come Garet is such an idiot? He always makes Isaac look stupid, when really
he is the stupid one! I mean, if there are no stupid questions but only stupid people, then
he's the 'people' that makes every question stupid! Seriously! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
" 'People' is a plural noun, not a singular," corrected Felix. "The correct grammar
would be, 'Then he's the PERSON that makes every question stupid.'"
"He is NOT!" said Jenna shrilly.
"Is too," said Kraden, sticking his tongue out.
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is NOT!"
"You're only saying that because you LOVE him! Jenna and Garet, sittin' in a
tree—"
"FEEEEEELIX!" shrieked Jenna, in that…shrieky…voice little sisters use.
"FEEEELIX! Make Kraden stop!"
"M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I!" continued Kraden.
"You idiot! That's 'Mississippi,' not 'Kissing!'" said Sheba, but alas, not one
person heard her.
Jenna threw a bowl of candied yams at Kraden and ran away. Kraden tried to
follow but Sheba zapped him. Hee hee…
*ZAP*
"Hey! Where'd that zap come from?!"
Sheba looked away and whistled.
Kraden continued his chant even though Jenna had run away. "First comes love,
then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!" Then he got out a jump rope
and began skipping along to the words. "Jenna and Garet, sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-S-S-
I-P-P-I-N-G—"
"NUMBER THREE!" bellowed Alex over Kraden's wonderful spelling talents.
"My hair is blue! Blue! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
…Several hours later…
"Number seven-hundred-and-thirty-eight—If a teacher teaches and a preacher
preaches, then why don't plumbers plumb? WHASSUP WIT DAT? I mean seriously,
dawg! Ya know, homie? Ya know?"
"Look, I really think Storytelling Hour's gone long enough," said Felix. "It's been
more than an hour…plus, you suck at street talk."
But Alex continued.
"Number seven-hundred-and-thirty-nine—If buttered toast always lands buttered
side up and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap a piece of buttered
toast buttered side down onto a cat's fur and then you drop the cat off a really tall
building? WILL THEY EVER LAND? WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
"Please kill me," Felix begged the gods. Unfortunately the gods were taking a
coffee break and they didn't hear him.
"Oh come on, Felix, stop ruining it for the rest of us," said Alex, failing to notice
that there was no one else around the campfire except Sheba and Felix. Besides, Sheba
was making a hangman's noose for Felix and wasn't paying much attention to Alex
anyway. Kraden was valiantly trying to keep jump-roping, but as he hadn't gotten his
recommended fiber intake yet, he was huffing and puffing and blowing the house down.
"Jenna and…Garet…sittin'…in a…tree (huff)…K…(puff)…I…S…S…I…(wheeze)…"
"Come on, Felix dawg, let's just get jiggly with it, alright?"
"That's JIGGY, you moron! And besides, that phrase hasn't been used since
1998! Please, Alex, just GIVE IT UP ALREADY! You SUCK at street talk!"
"Number seven-hundred-and-forty—Why do I look cool? WHASSUP WIT
DAT?!"
Felix went over to Sheba to see if she had finished the hangman's noose yet.
"Number seven-hundred-and-forty-one—The sun isn't really golden, it's more
like a blinding, painful white. I mean, I've looked at the sun a lot without sunglasses, and
it's always really, really white! It hurts my eyes! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
"Jenna…and…Garet…sitting…in…a…tree," wheezed poor Kraden.
"P…I…S…S…I…"
Felix didn't even bother to correct Kraden on his improper spelling (or WAS it
improper? Hmm…) and instead began wandering around trying to find a proper tree to tie
the noose on while Sheba put the finishing touches on it.
"Over, under, round and round, so your feet won't touch the ground!" Sheba said
to herself as she tied the knot.
"Number seven-hundred-and-forty-two—Why is Garet so stupid?"
"You said that already, numbnuts!" Felix said.
"Yeah, dawg, I know. But Garet is so stupid, I figured I'd say it again. Ya know
what I mean, homie?"
"No, I don't, and I don't ever want to know."
"Okay fine. The 'Whassup Wit Dat?!" List is over."
"Thank God!" said Felix, going over to the maypole to dance merrily around it
for, say, an hour or so.
"All right then! Peace out!"
"For the last time, YOU SUCK AT STREET TALK!"
"Man, Felix, that's rather harsh."
"Besides," said Felix, "We have to get on to another chapter in this story.
Kraden's already passed out." He pointed to Kraden, who indeed was passed out on the
floor.
"What about this?" asked Sheba, holding up the noose.
"Some other time," said Felix conspiratorially.
"Okay," said Sheba. Then she skipped off with the noose, using it as a jump-rope,
since Kraden had stolen hers. "Over-under-round and round-so-your-feet-won't-touch-
the-ground!" She was a lot better at jump-roping, maybe because she got her
recommended daily fiber intake…
TO BE CONTINUED!
(Yeah, I admit it…that was just there to piss you off again.)
short—T.N.S.L.B.R.L.I.F.J.D.A
Chapter Two: WHASSUP WIT DAT?!
Summary: This part stars…ALEX! Everyone's favorite blue-haired evil person! (Well,
maybe not everyone's favorite, but work with me here.) Don't worry, Felix n' Crew will
still be in this story. What kind of a Felix's-Junk-Drawer fanfic would this be if Felix and
'those other guys' weren't there too? Get ready for a full helping of "Bob," dried prunes,
The Golden Sun Storytelling-Around-A-Campfire-Hour, and of course, everyone's
favorite…Alex's "Whassup Wit Dat?!" List. Enjoy!
Finally the stupid person playing the game—
"Yeah, the stupid person playing the game like it was their FIRST TIME
PLAYING!" yelled poor Felix.
Stuff it, Felix. Anyhoo, finally, the stupid person playing the game (let's just call
him "Bob") like it was their first time playing Golden Sun (there, Felix, are you happy?)
shut it off, and Felix n' Friends could dance merrily around the maypole rejoicing at the
wonder of Bob's short attention span. After dancing around the maypole for perhaps half
an hour, Alex finally sat down on the grass.
"GAH! OW!"
Oh yeah…he sat down right on top of Felix's pointy Psy Crystal. Ouch.
"FELIX!"
"What?!"
"Why did you leave your Psy Crystal there?!"
"Because it's beautiful."
Alex decided not to press the matter, as he knew Felix would never give him an
answer that would actually relate to the situation of the Psy Crystal going up his ass. Oh
well. That's what you get for looking cool, eh Alex?
"What? I look cool? Do you really think so? Because I thought I was really
overdoing it with the blue hair and the boots and the thick gloves and—"
Oh, never mind.
To take his tiny mind off of the matter, Alex took out a piece of paper and a
pencil. Luckily Kraden hadn't eaten all of the paper. Even luckier, Felix had tricked
Kraden into finishing off their supply of candied yams by putting them in Kraden's
peanut-butter-and-anchovy sandwich. That meant that Alex didn't have to eat them. Now
if he could only weasel himself out of eating those Flintstones chewable vitamins (part of
a complete breakfast!) then he'd be home free. He decided to just dump Fred, Wilma, and
Barney behind Kraden's ratty old couch again. Felix never looked behind the couch,
although Sheba did. But then again, nobody listened to Sheba. In fact right at that very
moment she was running around screaming about flying donkeys. Nobody paid much
attention to her.
Alex began writing on the paper. (Don't ask me how he learned to write.) The-
always-curious-Jenna (she gets it from her brother! ?) of course went over to Alex and
said, "Whatcha doing?" in her most innocent voice. For plot convenience reasons I've
decided not to make her cranky anymore.
"I'm writing."
"Whatcha writing?"
"You'll see."
"Can I see now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"No."
"How about now?"
"NO."
"Now??"
"NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!" yelled Alex.
"O-kaaay," said Jenna. "You don't have to be so mean about it." Then she
skipped merrily away to go bother Felix.
"Tra-la-la-la-la…hi Felix! Whatcha doing?"
"Go bother Kraden," Felix said.
"Okay!"
And off she went to go bother Kraden, who was eating another peanut-butter-and-
anchovy sandwich. Little did he know that Felix had stuck a few dried prunes in his
sandwich as well. Hey, it was the only way Felix could get Kraden to take his
recommended fiber intake. Remember kids, if you don't want to end up like Kraden, eat
your vitamins! :)
And so, finally, it was time for "Storytelling-Around-The-Campfire" hour.
"All right, whose turn is it for storytelling?" said Felix miserably. He hated
Storytelling Hour. But he had to do it, otherwise Kraden would either a) scream and beat
his fists on his ratty couch for several hours, or b) act like a giddy schoolgirl (as Jenna
pointed out—pay more attention to the beginning of the game if you don't get it, dimwit!)
"It's my turn!" said Alex, acting like a giddy schoolgirl. "Okay, today I made up
something SPECIAL for you guys!"
Felix hit himself on the head.
"Didja lose control of yourself again, Felix?" said Jenna, bouncing up and down.
"Huh? Didja? Didja? Didja?"
"I don't like special things," Felix said. "I like being boring. Why can't you be
boring too?"
"Well I don't wanna."
"Guys, guys! Don't you want to hear what I wrote?"
"All right, all right," Felix said. "Hurry up and let's get this over and done with."
"Okay, today I made up my very own 'Whassup Wit Dat?!' List," said Alex
happily.
"Oh god," Felix said, putting his head in his hands.
"You don't look so good, Felix," Jenna, the ever-concerned sister, said. "You
really should start eating your vitamins."
"I DO eat my vitamins! In fact I'm the ONLY one who eats them! Nobody else
even considers the fact that you need multivitamins to grow strong, healthy bones! Alex
just dumps them behind Kraden's ratty old couch!"
Alex pretended he hadn't heard that.
"Okay—my 'Whassup Wit Dat?!' List. Number one…If it takes fewer muscles to
smile than to frown, why does my face hurt when I'm smiling? Huh? WHASSUP WIT
DAT?!"
"That had nothing to do with Golden Sun!" Felix yelled.
"I know, dawg, I know. Hey, I can add that in! That had nothing to do with
Golden Sun! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
"My name isn't 'dawg,' it's FELIX!" growled Felix through clenched teeth.
"Hee hee, you look like a real dog when you make that face. Anyhoo…Number
two. How come Garet is such an idiot? He always makes Isaac look stupid, when really
he is the stupid one! I mean, if there are no stupid questions but only stupid people, then
he's the 'people' that makes every question stupid! Seriously! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
" 'People' is a plural noun, not a singular," corrected Felix. "The correct grammar
would be, 'Then he's the PERSON that makes every question stupid.'"
"He is NOT!" said Jenna shrilly.
"Is too," said Kraden, sticking his tongue out.
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is NOT!"
"You're only saying that because you LOVE him! Jenna and Garet, sittin' in a
tree—"
"FEEEEEELIX!" shrieked Jenna, in that…shrieky…voice little sisters use.
"FEEEELIX! Make Kraden stop!"
"M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I!" continued Kraden.
"You idiot! That's 'Mississippi,' not 'Kissing!'" said Sheba, but alas, not one
person heard her.
Jenna threw a bowl of candied yams at Kraden and ran away. Kraden tried to
follow but Sheba zapped him. Hee hee…
*ZAP*
"Hey! Where'd that zap come from?!"
Sheba looked away and whistled.
Kraden continued his chant even though Jenna had run away. "First comes love,
then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!" Then he got out a jump rope
and began skipping along to the words. "Jenna and Garet, sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-S-S-
I-P-P-I-N-G—"
"NUMBER THREE!" bellowed Alex over Kraden's wonderful spelling talents.
"My hair is blue! Blue! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
…Several hours later…
"Number seven-hundred-and-thirty-eight—If a teacher teaches and a preacher
preaches, then why don't plumbers plumb? WHASSUP WIT DAT? I mean seriously,
dawg! Ya know, homie? Ya know?"
"Look, I really think Storytelling Hour's gone long enough," said Felix. "It's been
more than an hour…plus, you suck at street talk."
But Alex continued.
"Number seven-hundred-and-thirty-nine—If buttered toast always lands buttered
side up and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap a piece of buttered
toast buttered side down onto a cat's fur and then you drop the cat off a really tall
building? WILL THEY EVER LAND? WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
"Please kill me," Felix begged the gods. Unfortunately the gods were taking a
coffee break and they didn't hear him.
"Oh come on, Felix, stop ruining it for the rest of us," said Alex, failing to notice
that there was no one else around the campfire except Sheba and Felix. Besides, Sheba
was making a hangman's noose for Felix and wasn't paying much attention to Alex
anyway. Kraden was valiantly trying to keep jump-roping, but as he hadn't gotten his
recommended fiber intake yet, he was huffing and puffing and blowing the house down.
"Jenna and…Garet…sittin'…in a…tree (huff)…K…(puff)…I…S…S…I…(wheeze)…"
"Come on, Felix dawg, let's just get jiggly with it, alright?"
"That's JIGGY, you moron! And besides, that phrase hasn't been used since
1998! Please, Alex, just GIVE IT UP ALREADY! You SUCK at street talk!"
"Number seven-hundred-and-forty—Why do I look cool? WHASSUP WIT
DAT?!"
Felix went over to Sheba to see if she had finished the hangman's noose yet.
"Number seven-hundred-and-forty-one—The sun isn't really golden, it's more
like a blinding, painful white. I mean, I've looked at the sun a lot without sunglasses, and
it's always really, really white! It hurts my eyes! WHASSUP WIT DAT?!"
"Jenna…and…Garet…sitting…in…a…tree," wheezed poor Kraden.
"P…I…S…S…I…"
Felix didn't even bother to correct Kraden on his improper spelling (or WAS it
improper? Hmm…) and instead began wandering around trying to find a proper tree to tie
the noose on while Sheba put the finishing touches on it.
"Over, under, round and round, so your feet won't touch the ground!" Sheba said
to herself as she tied the knot.
"Number seven-hundred-and-forty-two—Why is Garet so stupid?"
"You said that already, numbnuts!" Felix said.
"Yeah, dawg, I know. But Garet is so stupid, I figured I'd say it again. Ya know
what I mean, homie?"
"No, I don't, and I don't ever want to know."
"Okay fine. The 'Whassup Wit Dat?!" List is over."
"Thank God!" said Felix, going over to the maypole to dance merrily around it
for, say, an hour or so.
"All right then! Peace out!"
"For the last time, YOU SUCK AT STREET TALK!"
"Man, Felix, that's rather harsh."
"Besides," said Felix, "We have to get on to another chapter in this story.
Kraden's already passed out." He pointed to Kraden, who indeed was passed out on the
floor.
"What about this?" asked Sheba, holding up the noose.
"Some other time," said Felix conspiratorially.
"Okay," said Sheba. Then she skipped off with the noose, using it as a jump-rope,
since Kraden had stolen hers. "Over-under-round and round-so-your-feet-won't-touch-
the-ground!" She was a lot better at jump-roping, maybe because she got her
recommended daily fiber intake…
TO BE CONTINUED!
(Yeah, I admit it…that was just there to piss you off again.)