"Tour of Eds"
(Author's note: A bit lengthy, but only because I'm introducing the rest of the cul-de-sac kids. This was meant to be a part-two to the last chapter, but was different enough to warrant another name. Also, I'm thinking of doing a Q&A segment between chapters, but I'm not sure if I'll do it at random or every ten chapters.)
The first full day of summer vacation, the day most kids sleep in until noon. However, this wasn't the case for the Eds. They had taken up the paper route for the summer to earn some extra cash to fix the van, so they were up before sunrise delivering papers. And with the three of them splitting the job, the work went much smoother than it did in the episode, "Read All About Ed."
"I think that's the last one, Double D," Ed said, cramming a newspaper in Nazz's mailbox.
"Well, I'm spent," Eddy shook his paper bag, showing that it was empty. He then pulled a half-eaten toaster pastry out of his pocket and took a bite.
"And chalk down another fifteen dollars for the van," Double D scribbled down some numbers in his notebook. He had been keeping track of the costs put towards the van since the Eds all agreed to fix it up and share it. "Just one more paper for me to deliver."
"But we delivered papers to everyone on our route! We got everybody!"
"I thought I'd take the liberty in signing up Mei-Lin and Carrie up for a free trial of The Peach Creek Gazette," Double D explained. "We were heading that way anyway, so I put them down for a free trial and grabbed an extra newspaper."
"And I dug out some of my old comic books for them to read!" Ed said, pulling out a briefcase stuffed with old comic books.
"Hey, Sockhead, you better have something to take notes with, 'cuz after today, I'm gonna have a girlfriend!"
"Oh?" Double D replied.
"Yup, after today, I'll have that Carrie girl all over me!"
"Really?" Double D asked skeptically.
"Yup, did you see how she was staring at me after we introduced ourselves?"
"If I recall, it was you staring at her, Eddy…"
"Well, you recall wrong, Double Sockhead… I'll have Carrie eating out of the palm of my hand by suppertime!"
"Care to make a friendly wager on that, Eddy?" Double D asked slyly.
"I'm listenin'…"
"If you and Carrie are an item by four, nay, five o'clock this afternoon, I'll do your homework for you next year."
"Deal!" Eddy and Double D shook hands. "And I'll wear Ed's underwear the first week of school, unwashed."
"Sounds fair to me," Double D said.
"Already got a pair fermenting for ya, Eddy!" Ed said, wiping his glasses on his coat sleeve. Eddy and Edd stared at their large friend.
"Let's get going, Eddy," Double D said.
At Mei-Lin's ship, the Eds were greeted to the same blackened, burned mass of twisted metal that crashed there yesterday afternoon. Mei-Lin had replaced the metal door with a wooden one she found in the junkyard. The Eds knocked on it, but after two knocks it fell over.
"Oh, hey," Mei-Lin greeted them. She looked down at her new door, now lying on the floor.
"Uh, we can fix that…" Eddy said.
"Don't worry, I hadn't even bolted it to the wall yet. You guys are here early. The sun's barely up."
"Yeah, we run the local paper route. Speaking of which, we thought this would help you with your job search," Double D explained, handing Mei-Lin a newspaper.
"Thanks," she replied, taking the paper and opening it up to the classifieds. "Oh, and Carrie's awake, but she hasn't rolled out of bed yet. It usually takes her a few minutes to get up and moving around." Mei-Lin poured herself some tea and sat down to look over the newspaper.
The Eds ran into Carrie's room, finding it in the same messy, unkempt state it was in yesterday. Carrie's tail poked out from under the mountain of blankets on her bed, twitching rhythmically, and the room felt very humid.
"Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" Double D complained.
"No, I'm frying like an egg," Eddy began sweating heavily.
"This is just like what happened in The Heat Monster from Mercury!" Ed exclaimed, sweating just as much as the other two Eds. "The monster steamed his victims before wrapping them up in his long, furry tentacles and biting off their screaming faces!"
Just as Ed finished with his movie monster comparison, Carrie's tail retreated into the pile of blankets as they began to squirm. Freaked out by Ed's ramblings, Ed and Double D backed away until Carrie's head popped out from the top of the pile of blankets.
"Morning," she yawned, revealing her long, sharp teeth.
"The monster is preparing to attack!" Ed said, his imagination running away with him again. "We have to-"
"Shut up, Ed!" Eddy hit Ed with a piece of metal lying on Carrie's floor, knocking him back to reality.
"Hey, I remember you guys!" Carrie exclaimed, crawling out of bed, her hair even messier than it was yesterday.
Eddy slicked back his hair and popped a mint in his mouth. "Yup, your hunka-hunka Eddy is here to show you around our little neighborhood." Double D snickered at him.
"Actually, Eddy, it's still early in the morning, and I'm sure Carrie wants to eat breakfast this morning."
Carrie's stomach growled loudly. "Yeah, I'm hungry." Ed and Double D's stomachs growled, too; they hadn't eaten anything either.
"To breakfast!" Ed yelled, running out of the room.
"Okay, then let's go to my place and grab some Chunky Puffs!" Eddy suggested. "We'll show you how we did breakfast back in the good ol' days!"
"Okay, let me get some good clothes on," Carrie said, removing her pajama top. Realizing Carrie was half nude, Double D blushed and covered his eyes and Eddy just stared at her, slack-jawed.
"Um, maybe we should give Carrie some privacy, Eddy," Double D said, grabbing Eddy's hand as Carrie began removing her pajama pants.
"I'm going to wear my new t-shirt and my favorite shorts," Carrie said, unhooking her bra. She then turned around, noticing everyone had left. "Hey where did they go?"
"Got a little hot under the collar in there, eh?" Eddy snickered, nudging Double D.
"Ugh, not again," Mei-Lin groaned. "She's so bad to do that." Mei-Lin put her newspaper down and yelled, "Carrie, how many times to I have to tell you, you can't undress in front of boys!"
"Sorry, I forgot!" Carrie leaned out of her room, still pulling her red t-shirt over her large breasts. "There, I'm ready!" Carrie stepped out, wearing her red t-shirt, a pair of baggy gym trunks with her name embroidered on the waistband, and a pair of black flip-flops. Her hair was still a mess, large cowlicks sticking up everywhere.
"Carrie, couldn't you at least brush your hair? Or better yet, get it cut? It's almost dragging the ground…"
"I like my hair this way!" Carrie argued. "It keeps me warm at night! And you know I can't brush it without getting the brush stuck in it!"
"Whatever," Mei-Lin groaned. Carrie stuck her tongue out at her.
"I guess we're on our way," Double D said.
"Oh, before you leave, there's a few things about Carrie you should know. She's a big eater, and she's not too picky about what she shoves in her mouth, so you'll have to keep a close eye on her. And she's a lot stronger than she looks and could easily hurt someone, so remind her every once in a while to be careful. And don't leave her anywhere by herself; she's prone to wandering off!" Carrie's stomach growled again and she broke off a piece of metal and took a bite out of it. "Oh, and don't grab her tail; she'll get mad and may bite or hit you with it."
"Okay, okay, we got it!" Eddy exclaimed impatiently. "Let's go get some grub!"
"Yay!" Carrie ran out the door, flailing her arms in excitement.
"Wait, Carrie!" Double D called out to her. "Eddy's house is this way!" The Eds ran towards Eddy's house, Carrie not too far behind them.
After a quick jog, the Eds got to Eddy's house. A large truck with a mechanical bucket arm was parked in front of it, "Peach Creek Cable Company" written on the door.
"Looks like they're finally putting in those internet lines," Eddy noted.
The Eds quickly bypassed the truck and walked into Eddy's house, Carrie tagging along behind them, gnawing on a tree limb she grabbed along the way. The foursome made their way to Eddy's kitchen, where the Eds began looking in the cabinets.
"Ugh, where did they put the stupid cereal?" Eddy growled, hunting for the box of Chunky Puffs.
"It's not here, Eddy," Ed said, sticking his head out of one of Eddy's silverware drawers.
"I got the milk," Double D said, grabbing a milk carton from the fridge. Carrie watched them curiously, still chewing on her tree branch. Her stomach growled loudly again.
"Aha!" Eddy exclaimed, his body halfway inside one of the bottom cabinets. "Bingo!" He pulled himself out, holding a full box of Chunky Puffs in his hands.
"Cool," Ed, Carrie, and Double D said in awe, staring at the box that seemed to glow like some sort of sacred treasure.
Eddy set the box on the table by the carton of milk as Ed grabbed some spoons and bowls. He set them around the table as Double D sliced up an orange, set it on a small plate, and placed it neatly in front of the cereal box. The table looked like something out of a Saturday morning kid's breakfast commercial. The Eds and Carrie all took a seat around the table and passed the box around. Eddy poured what he wanted first, then passed it to Ed and Double D who followed suit. Then Ed passed Carrie the box, and she hungrily took a huge bite out of the box.
"Um, Carrie," Double D said, taking the box from her. "I think she may need some help…"
"I'll do it!" Eddy shouted, snatching the box from Eddy. He glared at his friend, who was smiling coyly. "Like this, baby!" Eddy tipped the box over, but the bite Carrie put in the top made the cereal pour out too fast and Eddy made a mess. Double D laughed.
"Allow me to pour your milk," Double D snickered, pouring some milk in Carrie's overfilled bowl of Chunky Puffs.
Double D then poured everyone some milk and everyone started eating. The Eds all used spoons to scoop out the sugar-laden, milk-soaked puff balls, but Carrie tossed her spoon out of the way and shoved her face in the bowl, swallowing cereal and milk by the mouthful.
"Carrie!" Double D shouted as she made an even bigger mess than what Eddy made. Double D grabbed a clean spoon and put it in Carrie's hand. "Like this," he said, eating his own cereal.
Carrie watched him curiously, and then looked at her spoon. All three Eds watched her closely; they could almost see the gears in Carrie's head turning. Carrie then took a bite out of her empty spoon, but found it was too hard for her to chew, so she spat it out, shrugged at Double D, and went back to eating her cereal face-first.
"Eh, let her eat how she wants," Eddy said, his mouth full of cereal.
"More please!" Carrie yelled, putting her now-empty bowl of cereal down on the table. The Eds were still working on theirs, but they obliged, refilling Carrie's bowl.
Minutes later, the Eds had finished and Carrie had finished the rest of the cereal- box and its contents- all by herself, as well as the other box of Chunky Puffs Eddy's parents were throwing out due to a rat getting in them.
"Carrie sure likes Chunky Puffs…" Ed said, digging around in one of the boxes for more cereal.
"Okay, now that breakfast is out of the way, let's go introduce Carrie to the neighborhood," Eddy said.
"What about snacks?" Carrie asked, digging around in Eddy's refrigerator. She grabbed a handful of raw eggs and shoved them in her mouth.
"You just ate two boxes of Chunky Puffs and an orange," Double D stated. "You can't possibly still be hungry." Carrie ignored the sock-hatted Ed and shoveled some lunch meat in her mouth.
Sometime later, Carrie finally finished eating. Eddy's refrigerator was completely cleaned out, along with his pantry. There wasn't even a crumb or empty can left; Carrie literally ate everything! The Eds were still sitting at the kitchen table, all of them gawking at Carrie, who belched in satisfaction.
"Okay, I'm ready!" Carrie exclaimed.
Outside, the other kids were enjoying the outdoors. Though they were older, the kids still liked to spend time outside, though their activities were slightly different. Sarah and Jimmy, though they had just finished junior high, were having a picnic. Kevin was stripping the rust from his new motorcycle, and trying to figure out what colors to re-paint it. Nazz was lying in a lounge chair on her lawn, reading a magazine. Rolf wasn't visible, but his yells of frustration could be heard from his backyard. And last, but not least, Jonny was playing checkers with his wooden buddy, Plank, who was beginning to show signs of age and had a huge chunk missing out of one of his corners.
"Let's take Carrie over to Kev's place first," Eddy grinned mischievously.
"I know what you're planning, Eddy," Double D said. "I know you plan to make Kevin jealous!"
"Eh, just a little bit jealous…" Eddy grinned. "Wait, where'd Carrie go?"
"She be-bopped over to Rolf's place," Ed answered.
The Eds ran over to Rolf's house and leaned over his wooden fence. Sure enough there was Rolf, holding a pair of scissors and an electric hair trimmer. After junior high, Rolf had decided to pursue a career as a barber, like in the episode "Take This Ed and Shove It." He had grown much bigger, with thicker arms and large shoulders, but had also put on some weight around his belly. Rolf was practicing his skills on Victor, his aged pet goat. Carrie was hiding behind Rolf's shed, eyeballing one of his chickens, her tail standing up straight. She snuck up on the tame bird and grabbed it, shoving it in her mouth.
"Carrie!" Double D yelled at her. "You spit that out!" The Eds all ran at Carrie, Double D grabbing a shovel. Rolf watched as he smacked her in the back of the head with it, and she spat the poor saliva-covered chicken out.
"Chicken!" Ed yelled, chasing the now-traumatized bird across Rolf's yard.
"Uh, may Rolf help you, snake-in-the-grass Ed-boys?" Rolf asked, befuddled by the scene he just witnessed.
"Sorry, Rolfy-boy!" Eddy said. "My girlfriend, Carrie, was just testing how fresh your chickens were."
"Ah, Rolf suspects this new girl is this Carrie of which you speak of." Rolf notices Carrie's long hair. "Your hair is longer than the hair growing from my great nano's back."
"Thank you!" Carrie answered, taking it as a compliment for some odd reason.
"C'mon, Carrie, we got a lot more to show you!" Eddy said, grabbing Carrie by the arm and dragged her over to Kevin's house, where Kevin was still sanding away at his motorcycle. "Yo, Kev! We want ya to meet somebody!"
"Not now, Dorky, can't ya see I'm…" Kevin's eyes popped out of his head when he saw Carrie, imitating Eddy's stare from yesterday. "Whoa, who's the babe?"
"This is my girlfriend Carrie," Eddy said. Carrie merely looked up in the air, her mouth agape.
"That's not official yet," Double D corrected his friend.
"We were just showing her around the neighborhood, letting her meet the yokels…"
"Why the heck does she have a tail?"
"Why don't you have a tail?" Carrie asked back.
"It's a, um, medical condition!" Eddy lied. "She comes from, uh, Japan, where she fell in a reactor and grew a tail." Double D face-palmed.
"Oh," Kevin said. "You guys still on for cleaning my dad's garage?"
"Yeah," Eddy said. "But it'll be after my date with Carrie. We're going to that fancy place on Main Street." Kevin's face turned green with envy.
"Yeah, so Carrie," Kevin said smoothly, shoving Eddy out of the way. "Let's say you and I dump the dork and chill at my place."
Eddy growled, then grinned and said, "Is that a dent in your bike's gas tank?"
"What!?" Kevin exclaimed, forgetting about Carrie, who had started making her way over to Kevin's work bench, where his leather jacket was hanging. "Where?" Kevin started looking for that dent, completely oblivious to the fact that Carrie was now eating his jacket. Double D happened to notice, though.
"Not again!" He yelled. He then tried to take what was left of the jacket from Carrie, who held on tight with her hands and teeth.
"My jacket!" Kevin yelled! "Give it back, you tailed freak!" Kevin pulled and tugged, managing to rip his jacket in half. Carrie promptly shredded the rest of it to pieces with her teeth. Ed laughed.
"Uh, I can pay for that," Eddy said, grinning guiltily.
"Don't...worry…about…it," Kevin growled, gritting his teeth. "Just get her out of my sight!" Kevin quickly shoved them off his parents' property and onto the sidewalk where Carrie couldn't do any more damage.
"Hiya, Eds," Jonny greeted them; Kevin had unwittingly shoved them next to Jonny.
Jonny had gained weight, giving him a body that matched his abnormally large head. He had long forgiven the Eds since the fiasco several years ago at Eddy's brother's amusement park, though he became much less social. He still carried around Plank, who had crayon stains all over his face from where Jonny had to redraw it several times over the years. Plank has been riddled with wear and abuse from over the years, and now has a whole corner missing.
"Hey, Jonny-boy!" Eddy greeted him.
"Hello, Jonny," Ed also greeted the bald kid.
"Who's your new friend?" Jonny asked. "She's cute!" Jonny then looked at Plank. "What do you mean she's out of my league? Out of shape? I told you, Plank, it's bone, not fat!"
"Mmm," Carrie said, eyeing the checker pieces. She grabbed a few and ate them. Jonny laughed.
"Far out, huh, Plank?" Carrie then looked at Plank hungrily. She then picked him up and took a bite out of his side. "Nooo! Plank! I'll save ya, buddy!" Jonny smacked Carrie in the face with the checker board, then in the confusion, he grabbed Plank and ran away.
"Bye, Jonny!" Ed waved as Jonny left in a hurry. "That Jonny is such a riot, huh guys?"
"Haven't you had enough to eat?" Eddy asked Carrie, slightly annoyed.
"Nope!" Carrie beamed, smiling brightly at the shortest Ed. Her stomach growled again. "Lunch time!"
"I think Sarah has some food," Ed pointed out. They all four ran over to Ed's place, where Sarah and Jimmy were eating sandwiches on a blanket.
Sarah and Jimmy had become an item, but still enjoyed the same things, like fashion and the like. Sarah was still a loud-mouthed spoiled brat, but tended to be a bit flirty around Double D, to keep Jimmy on his toes. Jimmy showed more interest in art than he did before, but still liked to "model" with Sarah and go shopping with her. He has long since gotten his retainer taken off, but he's a bit more hostile towards the boys when he's with Sarah. Since Sarah often flirts with Double D, he has made the brainy Ed his rival, though Double D is oblivious to this.
"Ed! Me and Jimmy are on a date, so get lost!" Sarah yelled. She then changed her demeanor. "Hey, Double D," Sarah flirted. She then scowled at Carrie, who was smelling the air. "Who's the bimbo?"
"This is Carrie," Double D introduced. "We were just wondering if we could introduce her and stop in for a quick bite, if it's not too much trouble."
"Tell 'em to take a hike, Sarah," Jimmy whispered. Sarah nudged him to the side.
"As long as your friends behave," Sarah replied politely, hiding her gritted teeth. But before the Eds could sit down, Carrie had stolen the basket and eaten all the food and half the basket. Sarah then responded by beating up the Eds in her usual fashion, kicking them onto the pavement. Carrie followed behind, finishing off the picnic basket.
"Ready to concede yet, Eddy?" Double D asked with a smile.
"I'll tell ya when everything stops spinning…" Eddy replied, dizzy from his pummeling.
Nazz had seen the whole event, but wasn't happy about what she had seen. Nazz had changed the least out of the members of the cul-de-sac. She still had feelings for Kevin, though he seemed to be more interested in getting his motorcycle up to par and leaving town. She had become the mediator in the cul-de-sac, able to resolve any disputes between the kids, however she was quick to jump to conclusions, which often led to misunderstandings.
"Did you guys just wreck Sarah and Jimmy's date!? That was, like, not cool!" Nazz then folded up her chair and left in a huff.
Afterwards, Carrie yawned and said, "I'm bored…"
"Let's go back to my place for a while," Eddy said, dusting himself off.
The Eds returned to Eddy's house, this time going in his bedroom. Eddy's room was still decorated retro 70's and 80's style with shag rugs, a tension pole light, a lava lamp, a turntable, and a whole shelf of LP records. His dresser has been cleaned off to make room for his new pet snake, inherited from his brother.
"Cool…" Carrie said in awe, looking around.
"Yup, it's pretty awesome," Eddy flipped a switch and the disco ball hanging from his ceiling began to spin, light reflecting off of it.
"Pretty…" Ed said, staring at the lights.
Double D was examining "Little Edward," the snake. "Eddy, have you been overfeeding Edward again?"
"Who, me? Nah!" Eddy replied, ripping down some pin-up posters of girls in swimsuits so Carrie couldn't see them.
Carrie was more interested in finding something else to eat. She wandered over to Eddy's LP shelf, where she grabbed one of his records and took a bite.
"Mmm," she said, crunching down on one of Eddy's Elvis records. She then grabbed another record and started eating it.
"Hey, Eddy, you got a tape player?" Ed said, looking at Eddy's turntable.
"No, Ed! You know I don't play that garbage. LPs for life!" Suddenly, Eddy felt a strange sensation, as if someone had just punched him in the heart. He looked over to Carrie and saw her biting down on his rare, out-of-print, signed, Tom Jones record. It was his most expensive possession, an item that would easily fetch $3,000 at auction, and Carrie had just bitten into half of it.
"Eddy," Ed said, Eddy's waste basket over his head.
"My Tom Jones record!" Eddy wailed, but it was too late. Carrie had finished eating it and the album sleeve. Eddy the turned his attention to the mess of other broken records she had eaten.
Utterly devastated at the huge chunk Carrie had taken out of his record collection, Eddy shooed her away take inventory of what was left. Carrie quickly turned her attention to "Little Edward", the overly-fed, lethargic green snake residing in the tank on Eddy's dresser. With Double D helping Eddy clean and Ed off being...Ed, Carrie was clear to approach the large, green reptile. Carrie gazed at him and the snake gazed back at her. Then, deciding he might make a good meal, she reached in and grabbed the snake by the tail.
"She ate my Tom Jones record Double D!" Eddy cried, utterly devastated by his loss. "She's a monster! A menace!"
"Come now, Eddy! I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding."
Suddenly, a loud hissing noise filled the room and Carrie let out a loud yelp. Eddy and Double D spun around to see Carrie fighting with Little Edward, the large, fat snake coiled around Carrie's arm and neck and Carrie's teeth sunk in to its tail.
"My snake!" Eddy yelled. He rolled up one of his swimsuit magazines and charged at Carrie. "Leave my snake alone!" He smacked Carrie in the head repeatedly until she finally let go. Eddy pulled Little Edward off Carrie. "Are you okay, little guy?" He asked the frightened animal. The snake responded by hiding its head up Eddy's shirt sleeve.
"Aw, I'm sorry," Carrie apologized. "I was hungry…"
Eddy growled angrily, but then it hit him. He turned to Double D and yelled, "It was you! You knew this would happen!"
"But of course, Eddy!" Double D said, grinning. "I wanted to teach you a lesson about courting women based on their looks rather than their personality."
"Argh!" Eddy roared. "Okay, fine, you got me! You win the bet!"
"I had Mei-Lin send me a printout with some information on Carrie's biology, so I was a bit more prepared than you were," Double D explained, looking Little Edward over for any injuries.
"Is he gonna be okay, Double D?" Eddy sobbed, the snake coiled around his arm in fear.
"He's a little traumatized, but he'll be fine."
"I'm sorry!" Carrie cried. "I didn't know he was alive! I just wanted a snack!"
Eddy wiped his face and put Little Edward back in his tank. "Hey! Stop that! You're getting snot all over my rugs!" Ed then popped up behind the two other Ed-boys, still wearing Eddy's trash can on his head.
"You know what they say," Ed said, "once a snake, always a snake!"
"Ed shut up," Eddy said.
After a long period of silence, Carrie said, "I get it!" Eddy then responded by hitting her over the head with his magazine. Ed laughed and Carrie rubbed her head.
Next Chapter: "Barb-Ed-cue"- Eddy attempts to throw a big summer bash to score social points, however everything that can go wrong, DOES go wrong. Will Eddy's party be a success, or will it burn up like his overcooked hamburgers?