Phase 1: Lavi: Coffee Bearer

"Well, not so much coffee I guess as luck." Allen squinted suspiciously as Kanda, with a flat no-nonsense expression said conclusively,

"No."

"I haven't even told you the plan yet-"

"No."

"It would be different if Allen were to undertake it but I'm highly qualified in antics-"

"Not a chance in hell."

"What do you mean 'if Allen were to undertake it'?" Allen and Kanda were both on the offense now but Lavi had come prepared for their protests. In fact, he had been born ready.

"If you doubt it I can always test it on you two first, see if it works…" Lavi regarded the back of his hand casually as Allen paled, riled response dying on his lips, and Kanda balked before swiftly recovering by rolling his eyes and scoffing.

"As if it works anyway," Allen nodded angrily in agreement, "which it probably does," Kanda amended to stay in opposition to Allen, turning away haughtily as Allen turned to him in frustrated disbelief.

"Hee hee! You're such a sweetie, Yu." Kanda shot Lavi a menacing death glare (which was blatantly ignored) and Lavi began again with,

"Like I said, this operation is hingent on two things; caffeinated Folgers and Lady Luck, who I am generally on good terms with."

Komui scribbled away importantly, glaring severely at his notes and raising his eyebrows occasionally to broadcast the happening upon of an interesting fact. It was quite obvious to Reever, even around a teetering heap of papers, that Komui was as far off task as ever. He slammed the papers down, effectively startling the Branch Leader out of his semi-sleep state, and, halving the stack as he did so, announced,

"Signature, file," slapping the respective piles. Komui looked up slowly over his glasses with beseeching eyes met by Reever's well-known you-heard-me-hut-to look. Komui shifted from pleading to pathetic and Reever remained unphased, raising one eyebrow dangerously. Komui blinked helplessly and transformed pathetic to hurt. Reever would have none of this.

"Komui…"

"Coffee?"

"Not on your life you lazy-" Komui dodged Reever's grab for his collar, clutching a cup with the remnants of coffee from days, possibly weeks, before and dashing for the door, securing his beret with the other hand.

"Johnny! Quick!" Reever called for backup and was only slightly disappointed as Johnny was forced to drop his files in order to apprehend the now flailing Branch Leader. Reever sighed as papers drifted like peeled paint around the babbling Komui and struggling Johnny, glasses askew. "Fine, compromise. We'll phone up for coffee but you," he seized one of Komui's arms forcefully dragging him back to his desk, "are going to work." Johnny shook his head, watching the squabbling pair as department members plowed through books and papers around him, 65 floated by, and the door swung open and shut, before he started and then groaned, remembering his scattered papers now milling around with who knew what.

"Allen, we need you to get the usual coffee bearer out of the building. That means you've got to find Lenalee and find a… pleasant distraction for you two. You've got six minutes."

"Lenalee! Hey! Lenalee!" She turned around to see Allen running down the hallway towards her.

"Allen!" she smiled, a bit surprised, as he caught up and leaned against the wall, panting.

Almost lost her.

"Hi!"

"Hey!" he waved, straightening.

"… Hi…" Allen looked away, embarrassed.

"… Hey…" Agh! Distraction, pleasant distraction, pleasant distraction…

"Did you need me?"

"Um… not to speak of, no…"

"Just saying hello?"

"Well… I kind of…" Distraction, distraction, distraction- "Oh! I lost Tim, could you help me look?"

"Of course," Lenalee smiled kindly, but slightly confusedly. He seems so… distracted…

"Yeah, um, he kind of flew out my window this morning so-"

"He what?" Allen continued avoiding eye contact, occasionally checking her expression to see if she was buying any of this.

"He flew out the window this morning. I had just opened it a smidge-"

"Is that normal for him, to just fly away outside?" Allen flushed slightly and scratched the back of his head, waving a hand.

"Oh sure, sure, he does it… every now and then," Lenalee was now highly suspicious and Allen knew it. Not much time. He looked at the intercom speaker nearest him nervously. "You know, all the other golems are out there… it's not-" the click of the intercom signified the end of six minutes and Allen panicked. He grabbed her hand and began sprinting for the massive back of Gatekeeper.

"Allen!-" Lenalee was now unfathomably befuddled by her friend's odd behavior but, fortunately, kept pace with him instead of stopping him and confronting him right then and there.

Poor Lenalee… she probably thinks I'm mentally deranged now. But-

"Hem-"

"I WANT-"

"Shush!-"

Kzzt!

"Ah!" Allen clamped a hand to his mouth as soon as the frenzied shout had issued from it, doubling his pace to distract Lenalee from his spastic reaction and the voices on the very intercom he had reacted to. It was thus, at break neck pace, that Allen, knuckles white and fist clenched around Lenalee's reddening fingers, burst from the exorcist headquarters and onto the winding road that dropped off not too far ahead of them, completing operation 1 phase 1 of project LAY. He braced himself and turned, breathing heavily, to Lenalee. "Ha… I guess I got a little worried back there."

"Allen," Lenalee managed between gasps for breath, "are you quite all right?" Allen smiled reassuringly, waving a hand dismissively at Lenalee's look of mingled concern and incredulity.

"It's…" he opened his eyes fully, smile falling slowly as he took in Lenalee, headquarters in the background, science department windows behind her where he realized her- Lenalee started at Allen's sudden spooked appearance.

He's her brother! I'm helping set up her brother! With another guy!

"Allen!" Lenalee leaned down inch by inch, following Allen's descent to a mumbling heap on the cobblestones.

"She doesn't deserve this, she doesn't deserve this, we're out of our affairs, she doesn't deserve this," Lenalee sighed desperately as Allen continued to mutter and shake his head in distress.

"Yu can take the stealthy job, sneak in the office and make sure Reever has no excuse not to get the coffee. If that entails finishing, filing, or hiding paperwork, so be it, but it's key that Reever retrieves the coffee."

"Who are you talking to, me or Kanda?"

"Well, I did say Yu, didn't I?"

Kanda took no more than three seconds to assess the bustling office before him, discern which door led to Reever's personal office, and slip inside stepping over a flustered Johnny who thought simply that the infamous draft Komui attributed any lost papers off his desk to, had started up again. Kanda pressed the door until it reached the angle at which anyone approaching would not be able to see the noble attempt at an organized desk that was section leader Reever Wennham's. Kanda came to the desk and picked up the pen laying atop the jumbled papers,

"Let me call, okay? Okay?"

he sifted through the top layer,

"No! Hey, put the phone-"

"LENA-"

Click!

Kanda arbitrarily selected an order form as the top paper.

"I said I'd call, quit messing around. If you scream at her like that you'll give her cardiac arrest. Hem-"

The pen hovered above the tiny boxes momentarily before the form was stored in an unused looking drawer and a stack of lab reports revealed themselves.

"I WANT-"

"Shush!"

Thud!

Kanda remained unphased as a cacophony of skidding papers and dial tones issued from the other room, placing the checked reports in a labeled filing cabinet. A cluster of bills was placed in an outbox tray, followed by an essay on the cumulative findings of the math department for the month.

"Just chill out for forty-five seconds and your coffee will be on the way!"

Murmurs of science department members as they, Kanda surmised, disentangled themselves from the heap withholding the caffeine starved Komui overlapped the whirl of the dial phone as Reever retried to contact the kitchens. Without conscious effort, Kanda increased his speed, fingers deftly flipping through papers and depositing them where his instincts told him to. Pressure never unnerved Kanda, it just made him more efficient. The stack was shrinking. Blindly, Kanda shoved the remaining forms into one pile and licked his thumb, eyes already scanning the first sheet and noting where it belonged.

"We need coffee down here for Komui, please. Repeat, coffee,"

Lavi looked up at the droning loud speaker slyly, hands in pockets, and righted himself from his stance leaned against the wall outside the door to the main science department office. Any second now.

Filing cabinet, inbox, inbox, outbox, recycling.

Reever jumped as the phone rang in its port beneath his hand.

Lavi inched his way around a pillar, out of sight.

Hide in drawer, cabinet, folders, inbox, outbox.

"Uh, hello? Yeah… oh. Well, alright. Sure, thanks." Reever sighed, scowling at the pouting Komui and wondering how a man his age could be so high maintenance. "Lenalee's not around but she's got a pot of coffee brewing down there so…"

Hide, hide, hide.

"Heh."

"One of you is going to have to-"

"Busy."

"Paperwork."

"Mid-lab."

"Bathroom."

"Phone call." The science department members filed away neatly after dropping their excuses, leaving a much peeved Reever alone with a much persistent Komui. Lavi peered around the column and watched several science department members exit, various forms in hand, followed by an unnoticed Kanda. Lavi caught his attention with a small wave and he stole stealthily to the pillar and Lavi.

"Well I can't rightly go down and get you coffee, I've…" Reever crossed the room as he spoke, "got…" he leaned around his door into his office and scanned his desk. He scratched his head in confusion. "Well I guess I finished my paperwork," he murmured, peering back out at Komui. He had his head flopped back on the back of his chair and was spinning slowly, gazing at the ceiling idily. "Fine, fine, I'll go get your stupid coffee." Komui perked up, ceasing his revolutions and sitting alertly at his desk, quill poised above a form.

"Operation 2 complete," Kanda whispered, arms crossed smugly as the doors to the science department opened once again to admit the grumbling section leader. Lavi grinned broadly, eye arched merrily.

"Now it's my turn!" he inched around the column, preparing to enter the department main office. "Are you sure you don't want to come watch?"

"Che. I'd rather go check on Moyashi."

"Oh, good. Do that, would you?"

"Not funny," Kanda snapped as Lavi nimbly crossed the hall. He paused and gave a little wave good-bye around the door's edge mouthing,

"See if Allen's okay."

"No."

"It was your idea."

"Che. Fine."

Lavi grinned roguishly and slipped inside.

"Baka Moyashi…" Kanda stalked away, muttering curses, leaving the hall tingling with impending excitement.

Inside the main office, Lavi slipped behind the nearest bookshelf as the door bumped shut. Komui glanced up curiously for his visitor but, seeing no one, quickly returned his attention to his distraction from paperwork. Lavi moved carefully over the slick layers of papers, wandering at the balance the un-athletic science department members must have to walk across them on a daily basis. He peeked around the edge of the bookcase at the diligent supervisor before dashing lightly to the next case, repeating this process of caution until he was positioned behind a bookcase on plane with the front of Komui's desk. He leaned slightly against the bookcase, grinning and smothering a devious giggle before crouching and inching around the wooden case.

As quietly and quickly as he could, Lavi crawled across the floor to the front of Komui's desk where he paused and pulled from his jacket two sizeable books confiscated from a stack in his room lovingly named the 'read or die pile' by the dead serious Bookman. He waited, listening for any sounds indicative of Komui having discovered him, and then went on to lower the cradled volumes in strategic places before him. Another pause and intent listening and a few wary scramblings later found Lavi back in the safe zone behind the bookcase. The wide grin of mischief spread again across his face. All that was left to do for now was to wait.

"Unbelievable," Kanda shook his head as he surveyed the scene beyond the pillar he was concealed behind. Allen was standing at the edge of the surrounding woods, hands on hips and covered in sticks, leaves, and mud, smiling confidently all the same. Lenalee emerged from a bush in the same condition, breathing labored and face, quite rarely for her, flushed red in frustration.

"Well I guess that wasn't Tim after all!" Allen turned pointedly away, dusting off his shoulders and forearms as an exasperated Lenalee approached him.

"Unbelievable…" Reever glared at his warped reflection in the smooth surface of Komui's very full coffee mug. Those unfortunate enough to be in the hall at the same time as he was walked as closely as they could to the walls so as to avoid the fierce mutterings of the section leader. Reever glanced up from his monitoring of the sugary liquid to position himself to open the doors to the main office. Several of his previously skiving coworkers were back in the office now and shrunk away from his angry aura. Komui glanced up from his "work". Reever pointed accusingly at the tray in his hands. "Here's your coffee…"

Lenalee continued to attempt to get face to face with Allen but he continued to smile nervously and rotate so that he was facing away, still dusting himself off. Finally, she grabbed his arm, halting his retreats.

"Allen, you're lying to me." Kanda watched as he turned around to face her, still with the give-away 'ah ha ha I have no idea what I'm doing' smile plastered across his features.

"W-why would I do that?"

So predictable.

Kanda shook his head, preparing to step out and rescue the swiftly failing operation 1 of phase 1 of project LAY.

Reever walked slowly across the paper-littered office space, carefully watching his tray to ensure none of the coffee was spilt due to unsteady walking. Komui, along with the rest of the science department members, were staring intently as the new caffeine bringer made his well measured voyage across the floor. Reever glanced up, feeling aware of the weight of those eyes and began to sweat slightly upon realizing how great a pressure was on him. The simple bringing of coffee had escalated to a grand ceremony and he, Reever, was solely responsible for its success, safely delivering the much desired coffee to the much desiring Branch Leader. Lavi moved his hand along the wall, unnoticed in the shadowy region where the blaring office lights were blocked by the wall of bookcases around Komui's desk.

So predictable.

Reever put a foot down inches away from the planted books. Tap's eyes widened. Johnny saw something from behind his glasses and gasped. Lavi's finger moved down against the wall and- click!

The lights went out.

Thud!

"Woah!" Allen stepped backwards, raising a hand defensively. Lenalee carefully lowered one arm from their protective raised position and opened one eye, previously shut in surprise. Kanda was now in the clearing, blindfolded, sword out, apparently training. The shock of his appearance wore off of Allen as it registered that Kanda should have been indoors where his part of the phase was to be carried out. "What are-"

"Oh," Kanda lifted a corner of his blindfold, speaking loudly and pointedly, "hello. I did not see you there, Allen, Lenalee." He glared fiercely at Allen as he said his name, widening his eyes to emphasize his point. Come on… He watched as Allen stared dumbly, clearly teetering on the edge of comprehension and finally as his mouth formed an 'O' in understanding.

"Oh ho!" he turned theatrically to Lenalee, gesturing broadly at Kanda, still frozen with Mugen drawn and held before him. "It's Kanda! What a plea- what a surprise! Quite a surprise!" Kanda chose to ignore the omission of 'pleasant' from this statement to uphold the distraction.

"What ever are you two doing out here? Alone… in the forest…" Kanda grasped for a way to steer this conversation from the awkward direction it was taking, "as friends," and failed to find one. Lenalee's vexation with Allen over her suspicion of his lying morphed into offense and slight confusion through her facial expression. Allen, confirming smile nearly fully manifested, balked and mouthed incredulously,

"What!"

Kanda had dropped the 'Allen x Lenalee' bomb and chose to run with it.

"Sorry to intrude," he lowered Mugen stiffly, turning towards the Order and placing his hands on his hips. "I suppose we best be getting back and you two should clean up." He began marching decisively to Gatekeeper, refusing to flinch for the sensitive subject of relationships. He heard footsteps but did not turn as Allen met his stride and grabbed his arm.

"Wow, thanks for that, Kanda! If I wasn't in her bad books before, I most certainly am now! Not to mention how suspicious she must be, of both of us, because, quite honestly, you can't really act at all."

"Who ever knew my training might interfere with things like this! More risky than I thought" Kanda snapped his arm out of Allen's grasp, increasing his pace to reach the gate and enter. "Well, stay safe," he improvised without turning to Allen or Lenalee. Allen looked desperately from the retreating Kanda to a withdrawn and cold Lenalee who passed him hurriedly saying,

"Hope you find Tim," in a less than friendly way.

"Aaah… I need to talk to Lavi about this project's side effects…" Allen slipped to the floor against the outside wall dejectedly.

Thud!

"Woah! Damn!"

"Hey!"

"Aah!"

"Sorry!"

"Watch out for those-" click! The lights came on. "… books…" Johnny's warning faltered as he saw it was for naught. Reever stood paralyzed for no more than two seconds, drenched in sugary brown, before taking action. Komui sat wide-eyed, hand over his mouth for no more than two additional seconds before scrambling around to assist. Lavi snickered from the doorway as Komui's fingers folded around Reever's wrist and he pulled the dripping section leader away from the most coffee-damaged papers to stand over the dropped tray. Reever tugged his moistly adhesive lab coat from his skin and attempted to wring it out aver the coffee mug while using the dryer parts to sop up unabsorbed liquid from the papers' surfaces. Lavi's heckling intensified as science department members revived from varying degrees of shock and began flitting about attempting to help. In a matter of moments the floor and the papers wetted by the spill had been cleaned as well as possible and Reever was the only thing still sticky and coffee-covered. Someone approached him with a towel but Komui held out a hand.

"Wait…" Lavi leaned forward with interest. The towel bearer froze along with the rest of the room's occupants. Reever turned bemusedly to face Komui who was again gripping his arm and leaning towards him slightly. "My… coffee…"

"Yeah, sorry about that," Reever leaned back slightly, wary of Komui's increasing proximity.

"Hmm!" Komui's sharp noise of indecision was the only warning Reever got before Komui leaned forward and licked a drop of coffee off his cheek.

"Woah! Hey! No, no, no, no, no!"

"I WANT COFFEE!" The science team surged forward to hold back the insane branch leader as Reever frantically wiped his face with the offered towel. Lavi clamped both hands to his mouth to muffle his delighted laughter and pushed back against the door. Operation 3 phase 1 of project LAY was complete and with far better results than he'd hoped. His elation evaporated however when he turned around in the hallway and saw Bookman standing forebodingly before (well, slightly below and before) him. His face paled when he saw a positively irate Kanda stalking up the stairs towards him and his heart dropped as a flustered Allen appeared sprinting a few paces behind Kanda.

"Lavi-"

"Lavi!-"

"Lavi!-" three very different voices with three very similar blanket emotions crashed down on him.

"Heh heh…" He was surrounded in moments. Bookman seized his elbow before anyone else could talk and began marching him away.

'You may thank me later for rescuing you from those two," he said gruffly and with every syllable foreshadowing bruises and headaches Lavi would also need to extend his gratitude for. Kanda glared vehemently at him and called menacingly,

"Next time, it's my turn," before stomping away and leaving a very over-stressed Allen to drift towards the kitchens where solace was always available.

Phase 1 of Project LAY: Failure.

THANK YOU!! If you read all of this, you're amazing and I'm sorry if it wasn't worth your time!! Thank you also to my typing demon for without her, none of this would be possible... thank you all... sobsobsobsob... I'm tired