Chapter 1. Aragorn & Legolas

My first reaction was not to sit down and weep pathetically and attractively into the voluminous sleeves of the long dress I found myself in, nor was it to ask directions to the nearest Elf Prince I could latch myself onto. If I were going to sit down and weep, it would be over the fact that I had not brought a camera or any paper for signatures. But that wasn't going to disappoint me much. I would enjoy the moment.

'First things first,' I said, standing up. 'I must discover exactly where I am; then I can decide which spots it's most important that I visit.'

Now I am a Tolkein maniac. I not only know Sindarin and Quenya, but Black Speech and Khuzdul reside in my brain also. I have studied maps of Middle Earth until I know it as well as Gandalf himself, and I know everything about every character Tolkein has ever written, from mountains of facts about Frodo Baggins to snippets about all the insignificant, lesser important Elves in Rivendell. So it only took me a quick glance around to decide that I was in Fangorn Forest. However, the rest of my plan was discarded with the entrance of two attractive individuals.

'Oh. My. Goodness,' I said feelingly. Aragorn and Legolas were standing there, in person, before my very eyes!

I quickly collected myself and greeted them properly. 'Yo,' I said, holding up two fingers.

'What strange Rohanian custom is this?' asked Legolas curiously.

'This is no lady from Rohan,' said Aragorn.

'You're right there,' I said, 'and it's not Rohan, like ham, it's Rohan, like Han Solo.'

'What strange head armour is this?' asked Aragorn, looking at my glasses. 'Are you some trickery of Saruman's?'

'Nope!' I said cheerfully. 'I'm just Kat Parker. Pleased to meet you!'

'My lady,' said Legolas, bowing politely. 'I am Legolas Thranduillion, and this is Ara-'

'I know who you are,' I said, waving my hand. 'Doesn't everybody? I mean, like, Aragorn's a king and everything-'

I was cut off by Aragorn jumping towards me and holding a knife to my throat.

'Are you thinking what I'm thinking? he asked Legolas.

'I think so,' said Legolas, readying an arrow. 'Tie her up.'

'I'm not an Orc!' I yelled. 'Spare me!'

But my pleas did nothing to stop the zealous duo, and soon I found myself in between the two hottest beings in Middle Earth, trussed like a turkey and blindfolded.

'She must go to Gondor,' said Aragorn to Legolas.

'Um, I know where that is,' I said. 'Just so you know. So, um, you don't really have to blindfold me.'

'Silence, you fell creature,' said Legolas, his voice full of loathing. But he took the blindfold off.

'I thought guys in Middle Earth were all tender and polite and stuff,' I grumbled. 'Humph.' Then a lightbulb blinked on in my head. 'Hey,' I said sympathetically, 'now I think I understand. But you guys are worrying about nothing. I'm not a Mary Sue.'

Legolas made a strange noise and grasped at his throat. Then he walked a ways away, breathing heavily.

'Don't mention those in front of him!' Aragorn reprimanded. 'We know you're not a Mary Sue. But you are something almost as bad: a fangirl.'

'Wha?' I said.

'Fangirls are very dangerous when accidentally dropped into their fandoms. They know too much about the future in that world. If fangirls get into the wrong hands, the whole fandom could be destroyed!'

'How do you mean?' I asked.

'For example,' Aragorn explained, 'if Saruman got ahold of you and extricated futuristic information from you, he could use that information in his plans for world domination, and might actually succeed.'

'I see,' I said. But I didn't.

'So now we must imprison you until we are able to exterminate or eliminate you.'

'Well that seems kind of harsh,' I protested.

'You must realize the danger Arda is in with your presence,' argued Aragorn. 'Imagine if you had someone in your world popping in and out and knowing the future- he could wreck everything!'

'Actually we do have someone like that… he's called the Doctor.'

'Hello! Did I hear my name?' said a familiar voice.

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