EXT. THE RIVER - NEXT MORNING
Dipper is aiming at a beaver standing boldly atop its dam-in-progress along a rushing river. He places a finger on the trigger and is about to fire when Mabel suddenly jumps in front of him.
MABEL
(off pitch)
Laaalalalaaalalalaalalalaaalalalalala!
DIPPER
Cut it out, Mabel! I came this close to shooting you again, for like, the fifth time this morning.
MABEL
When I feel my point is sufficiently made I will cease all, uhh...
DIPPER
Self-endangering acts of sabotage?
MABEL
That works!
DIPPER
Then why aren't you bugging Wendy too?
Dipper glances at the rowdy redhead situated a little further upriver. He watches with admiration as she locks unto her target and shoots.
WENDY
Booyah! I nailed that little wood chucking sucker.
DIPPER
Seriously. It's like she has some sort of grudge against them. I'm not even sure if I should ask about it, but...
From out of a pocket on his jacket he pulls out a half-eaten strip of MacGuffin brand beef jerky and takes a bite.
DIPPER
You know what? This expired two weeks ago and I don't even care. I feel manlier just being out here.
Mabel crosses her arms and makes a noise as if clearing her throat.
DIPPER
Oh, right. You were saying?
MABEL
I'm only bugging you because I can't have a brother guilty of killing harmless, adorable animals.
DIPPER
Then what about yesterday?
MABEL
Grunkle Stan told me the truth, Dipper. (She grabs him by the shoulders and pulls his face close up against hers.) It's still not too late for me to save you.
DIPPER
(smiling awkwardly)
This totally isn't me changing the subject because you're starting to creep me out, but is that music?
It sounds like a marching band is playing somewhere nearby.
MABEL
Three bucks says it's something quirky and unexpected.
DIPPER
My money's on a hippy nudist colony.
As they leave, Wendy snipes another beaver.
WENDY
Bullseye!
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST CLEARING - CONTINUOUS
The dull sound of pounding drums and terrible out of key flute-playing precedes a procession of what look like fairies complete with butterfly wings, little frilly dresses made of all natural materials and incredibly creepy pale green bug's eyes slowly emerging from the dense brush and piles of shedded pine needles. They are equipped with twiggy wooden flutes and lugging around marching drums much larger than they are, made of hide. Between two rows of about six of them each, there is a pint-sized wheeled carriage made of hastily put together tree bark and errant, poking branches being drawn by a pair of blindfolded squirrels.
Watching from behind a large boulder off the path, Dipper hands Mabel three dollar bills.
MABEL
Should we try talking to them, or...?
DIPPER
No. We can just go back to the river right now and pretend we never saw anything.
He smiles at her sheepishly.
MABEL
You're not getting your money back.
DIPPER
No, I'm serious...
The siblings are about to leave when a pained cry stops them in their tracks.
One of the fairies had fallen to the ground unconscious and the others are gathered around her, chattering frantically amongst themselves with stereotypical Yiddish accents.
DIPPER
It's still not too late to turn our backs on this. This is one wild adventure that can be avoided.
FAIRY #1
Yet another one of our cousins has fallen to starvation...times are harsh indeed.
Dipper tugs on Mabel's sleeve to get her to move, but she won't budge.
DIPPER
Whatever is about to happen can be easily avoided if we leave, right now.
MABEL
I dunno...the more I look at them, the more I wanna just squeeze them into a remote control car and go around causing all kinds of hijinx.
He grabs her by the shoulders and turns her so that they look directly into each other's eyes.
DIPPER
Mabel. As fun as that sounds, you and I both know it's never gonna happen.
MABEL
(downcast)
I know.
FAIRY #2
It is settled! We must feed on our fallen sister's remains if we are sustain ourselves through the long journey still ahead!
DIPPER AND MABEL
(stumbling out into the open)
No!
The fairies stare at them in shock. One of them is already gnawing on the fallen girl's arm when THE LEADER FAIRY steps out of the carriage.
LEADER FAIRY
Hark, humans in our midst!
ALL FAIRIES
*hiss*
DIPPER
Oh please, don't eat us!
LEADER FAIRY
Eat a human? What kind of schmuck do I look like to you?
FAIRY # 2
It just isn't kosher.
The fairy with a mouthful of its own species can be seen in the background shaking its head rapidly, like a dog trying to tear through a T-bone steak.
MABEL
Would any of you happen to know what a remote control car is-
DIPPER
(interrupting her)
Haha, so I heard you ladies have fallen on some hard times? What's the deal?
FAIRY #1
There is no deal, human! We come from afar on a holy mission to find our sacred homeland. However, nowadays picnickers are scarce, so with our main food source gone, we -
Barely listening, Dipper pulls an unopened strip of beef jerky from his pocket and flashes it at Fairy #1, who gasps.
FAIRY #1
Could it be...the MacGuffin?
DIPPER
Sure, you can call it that. So uhh, enjoy.
He casually hands it over to The Leader Fairy, but she holds it above her head like a sacred object while the others gape in disbelief.
FAIRY #2
The Gods have answered our prayers! We have acquired the legendary MacGuffin!
Dipper and Mabel exchange confused glances.