Quick breathing. Hurried footsteps. A frantic search in the darkness, fingers scrabbling, heart pounding. "Siuan! Are you using my anti-aging cream?! Mother's milk in a frick-frackin cup, Siuan, how many times do I have to tell you that Nude 40 is NOT your color?!"
Moiraine slammed the drawer shut, rather peeved. The sun was just the glimmer of a dying iphone above the Tar Valon horizon, and if they did not make it to the club soon, it would be full. At her age, there were not many fish in the sea. She needed all to get all the guys she could get – they made her feel young again.
"Mwahraine, Dahling, I was meeeerely bahrowing it," Siuan sang as she waltzed in the room, makeup in tow. Moiraine rolled her eyes. Siuan's habit of 'bahrowing' dated back to their Novice days; Moiraine had always thought that Siuan would make an excellent Amyrlin on account of her knack for commandeering things that didn't belong to her – that and her acute knowledge of piscine terminology in relation to literary representation, a must for every powerful leader. Moiraine applied her makeup quickly – dang, those false eyelashes really did wonders for the bags under her eyes – grabbed the heels that Elaida had once told her looked like they belonged to a stripper, tucked some lipstick into her purse, and set out into the warm night with Siuan close behind.
The fact was that Moiraine was old. Not as old as in that story I wrote before this (Hi, it's me, the author) – but nonetheless no longer in her prime. She needed to find a boyfriend – oops, warder – before she got too old and droopy and stuff. Just the day before, Moiraine had hurt her back trying to get a box of cat-shaped ter'angreals down from the top shelf. She was a strong, independent woman – but having a man couldn't be any more annoying those hotflashes she tried so hard to keep contained under her impervious Aes Sedai air.
They arrived at the club, the light leaking through the windows setting the sequins on Siuan's miniskirt to coruscating. "Alright, remember the code," Moiraine muttered. "'Is that Aginor I see' – Abort mission. 'Black Ajah totally exist' – brief conference." Siuan nodded and floofed her hair. She had the wingwoman role down to a science, whatever science was.
They bypassed the long line for entrance, walking straight up to the front door with the burly security guy. With a golden, glittering flash of serpent ring they were in. Dubstep blared, and the bar was crowded. This was the best place in Tar Valon for meandering with the opposite gender. "Draghkars sing better than this screeching," Moiraine muttered to Siuan, but she didn't hear.
Siuan had spotted prey.
A group of young men was clustered around a table in the shadows in the back. It was hard to tell with the disco ball and strobe lights and smoke machine, but they appeared to be very, very, VERY attractive.
Moiraine and Siuan converged like two aging Aes Sedai who pretended they weren't aging and weren't actually Aes Sedai but young, hip, trendy sexy singles in your area.
Heads turned. Wherever they passed, the left behind a swath of stunned silence. The wreaked silent, sultry havoc. Perhaps it was the way Siuan wiggled her booty like nobody's business, or Moiraine's perfectly executed, practiced high-heeled strut, but – these ladies were ON FIYAH.
Their targets, however, did not notice. Only when the dynamic duo was upon them did they look up. Siuan began the practiced ritual, all seductive seriousness. "You must be from down south, because Illiend up in your pants before the night is over." The men just stared. Siuan frowned a little bit – usually that got at least some reaction! Was that too much? She tried again, trying to make her intentions a bit more obvious. "Are you Athan Miere? Sea folk are great, but when you can see fu-"
"We're gay."
"Well, I'm buysexual," Siuan laughed. "You know… I'll buy you a drink… and then –"
"We're not interested in women, especially those who are old enough to be our mothers." The man looked Moiraine up and down. "And those shoes look like they belong to a stripper."
The targets moved to another table, leaving Moiraine and Siuan speechless. This had never happened before. Guys never turned them down, ever. It's true that they, well, hadn't gone clubbing very much before - actually, this was the first time in quite some time. Since their Accepted days, at least. But they had prepared for this! Gotten a Brown to help them out with research on pop culture and what was cool with the in-crowd! What YOLO stood for and the definition of 'swag!' But they hadn't even got to use their wingwomen code. They stared at each other a little bit longer – opened-mouth, shocked staring. Then they left without another word. The party pounded onward behind them like a pounding party, which was exactly what it was. When your heart is broken, you are in no mood for poetic metaphors.
Moiraine had tear ducts of steel – she never cried. But she sure felt like it as they padded through the dark Tar Valon streets. Old enough to be their MOTHER? How DARE they! …But did it really show? She took precautions, she tried to be young and cool… but oh bloody blood, she was going to die alone. She was going to find the Dragon Reborn and save the world, but holy Lanfear's lunchbox she was going to die alone. She would grow up to be old and crusty and single. She was already grown up!
She looked over at Siuan, and saw her friend's disappointment. She knew Siuan had worked on those pickup-lines for weeks, and to see her friend heartbroken and crushed really ticked her off. She was just about to open her mouth to say some maudlin condolence – she could never really do the sympathy thing – when Siuan broke the silence, all haughtiness gone:
"I'll show them Mother. Like I was the fish-frikkin' Amyrlin Seat. WELL. WEeeeeeeeEeeEEelllll. Well, well, well well well. Lionfish flip floppin sons of grunters darn shank them hoes just wait till they hath felt the fury of my wrath."
Moiraine wasn't quite sure what Siuan meant by that, but she caught her drift. She set down the drift gently and gave Siuan an awkward side-hug.
"Aes Sedais before guys," She said with a grin. Siuan smiled and conceded. "Shawls before balls."
She may not have a man in her life – but she did have a best friend.