Pilot II

No one really noticed us when we walked into the Grill, which quite frankly, after a harrowing number of people came forward to express their sympathy to me over the death of Elena's parents, I was grateful for. At least, no one really noticed us until Elena's ex, Matt, looked over and saw us and then came over and did the whole sizing-each-other-up thing with Stefan which I found utterly ridiculous and unnecessary.

Well, I'm pretty sure they would have called it "introducing themselves" but…they weren't fooling no one, mate. Matt and I exchanged an awkward hello, and we made it to the table Bonnie was saving for us without further incident.

Then it was Bonnie, Caroline, Stefan and I, and Elena's friends were full of questions.

"So Stefan, if you're new then you don't know about the party tomorrow," Caroline said suddenly, causing my head snap up in hardly concealed horror.

"It's a back to school thing at the Falls," Bonnie explained, and just as I was making a mental note to, well, avoid it at all costs, Stefan asked me if I was going.

"Of course she is," Bonnie said matter-of-factly and I could literally feel what choice I might have had in the matter slipping right through my fingers.

I went home with a heavy heart and hoped that my party experience, (which could be called minimal by a kind person and laughable by an honest one), would be enough to at least let me fake being the generally sociable Elena for one night.

School the next day was boring, and I rapidly realized I was going to have to do something about being in French class because I was utterly doomed to fail it. Oh, and I realized that my history teacher, whose name I believe was Mr. Tanner, was an absolute twat and I hated him. How long until Alaric would get here, again?

But no, really, our teacher was an insufferable prat, I swear, he was completely out of line referencing Elena's parents' deaths like that. If they had been my parents, I would have knocked him flat on his bottom for his incivility and spent the rest of the year hating him.

As it was, watching Stefan hand him his arse on a platter was priceless.

All in all, it was a typical high school day, and the party was a typical high school party, at least until I handed Bonnie a bottle of bevvy and she went all Professor Trelawney on me and told me that when she touched me, she saw a crow. Even though I vaguely remembered that happening, it was still strange as anything and rather creepy. I distracted her by quoting The Raven some more and dancing around like a loon until she couldn't help but laugh.

Mind you, I'm pretty sure the laughing was because Stefan had been standing behind me for something close to a minute as I made a fool of myself for her, but I digress.

I backed right into him and whipped around, startled, and possibly ready for a fist fight. He raised an eyebrow at my reaction but I waved it off with a cheesy grin.

"Can't be too careful, you know. Not with looks like these!" I excused with an exaggerated wink, although, quite frankly, it was a rather true statement, if not for the reasons I let him believe I said it. Looking like the doppelganger was serious business, after all. Well, being the doppelganger. Whatever. "Anyway, you made it!"

I turned around to include Bonnie but she had rather conveniently disappeared. I frowned. "Oh, she's…she left me!" I complained, trying not to pout. I was actually a little uncomfortable without her there, she was my anchor in social situations, she made me feel at ease even though I was so entirely out of place.

"I'm still here," Stefan said with a grin, and I loosened up a bit. Or maybe that was all the mixers I'd tossed back already. I missed being twenty-three. Back home, you could buy your own drink at eighteen. Here, I wasn't even that and I'd have to wait until I was twenty-one.

"Do you fancy a stroll?" I asked suddenly, glancing around at the drinking teenagers around us. "Don't know if you've noticed, but these things aren't really my…thing."

I'd seen a little bridge that had been decorated with lights that seemed like a nice, quiet place to have a drink. I grabbed him a beer out of a cooler since I noticed his hands were empty and we were on our way.

We chatted for a few minutes about simple things like likes and dislikes…he seemed to be surprised that I was as well-read as I am, so we talked about a few books we'd both read and our impressions of them. Then, we talked about friends and the conversation strayed into incredibly awkward and uncomfortable territory when he mentioned that Matt was watching us.

It got worse when I explained that he was Elena's (my, in the conversation) ex and that he and Elena (we) had broken things off because the feeling wasn't all there and it went downhill from there when Stefan found the word I was rather trying to avoid and clarified that it wasn't passionate and ugh. Luckily, right after that he had some odd vampire issue and went off somewhere, leaving me with the romance plot heebie-jeebies, but I digress.

Unfortunately, my luck took its own turn and not for the better and I had an awkward conversation with Matt which left me horrified and absolutely white in the face because quite frankly I'm terrified of commitment of any kind and he had essentially told me he wanted to pursue Elena (and by extension during my tenure in her body, me) with romantic intention.

There was another, startling revelation that night which wasn't so much a revelation as much as an Elena-knew-that-but-I-didn't-know-that-and-now-I-have-to-fix-it thing in that Jeremy got drunk and suddenly it all came back to me and I remembered he was going through his stint on drugs and I really needed to do something about that before it got worse…So I went after him and he tripped on Vicki's body and stuff went to hell from there.

I watched Matt climb into the back of the ambulance to be with his sister standing next to Bonnie, who was deeply unsettled by what had happened and the feeling it gave her, and then excused myself to go after Elena's brother.

I found him drinking, and stopped. I didn't know what to say. He wasn't my brother, he wasn't anyone I knew, and yet…I felt responsibility towards him, because I did know him, in a roundabout way, and I had taken his big sister's place and I owed it to him to be there.

"Jeremy, I'm so sorry," I cried softly as I flung my arms around his neck.

"Elena, what the hell?" he demanded, taken aback. "Are you drunk?"

I shook my head, burying Elena's face into his jacket as I held him tightly.

"I'm not, Jeremy. It would be easier if I was, but I'm not. I'm sorry, Jeremy, I'm so, so sorry." I said, and raised my head so that I could see him properly, so that he could hear me loud and clear. "I haven't been there for you, Jeremy, and it's not fair. I've been so wrapped up in my own problems that I haven't been there for you, and I'll never be able to make it up to you."

"Elena," he said, bewildered, defensive, "I'm not your responsibility, I'm not some little kid anymore. I don't expect you to be sorry or to have been there."

"Didn't you?" I asked, putting Elena's hand up to his face, gently brushing her thumb against his cheek in a gesture of familial affection. "If you hadn't needed me, Jer, you wouldn't have said that you didn't expect me to be sorry for not being there first."

He stiffened, clearly uncomfortable. "Look, Elena," he muttered, looking away, "it's been a long night and you're obviously drunk or on something and we need to get home."

"Aunt Jenna's picking us up," I told him after a moment, "she called me a few minutes ago."

He nodded, not looking at me and I sighed.

"Jeremy, I've failed you. As your sister, I've failed you. I've failed at a lot of things lately, and I'll fail at a lot of things in the future, but this is one failure I can't just let go of. I'm scared, Jer. I'm absolutely fucking terrified."

If he was surprised at my show of coarse language, he didn't show it.

"There's cops everywhere, Elena." He said shortly, trying to reassure me in his own insecure way. "Whatever got…whatever got Vicki's not going to get you. It'll be okay."

"I'm scared for you, Jeremy. I haven't said anything because I've been in a bad place, but I'm really, really scared that something is going to happen to you. I…" I decided the best way to get him to consider my words was to hit hard below the belt, metaphorically speaking, and it was surprisingly easy to burst into tears as I threw my arms around him again and said, "I don't want anything to happen to you! I don't want you to end up gone like Mom and Dad!"

"I won't end up like them," he said defensively, upset at the reminder. "Elena, what the hell is going on with you?"

"I haven't been sleeping, Jer. I see their faces in my dreams and…I feel like it's my fault. Maybe if I'd hadn't…maybe it wouldn't have happened. You know, it's not even that. I feel guilty, Jeremy, because I lived and they died and look at me standing here now. They must be so ashamed. I lived and instead of doing what I should have, I abandoned you. I…

I used to wish so hard, Jeremy, so hard that I could trade places with one of them, you know? Trade, because I need them here with me and you need them here with you and you needed me when they were gone and I flaked on you and Mom and Dad would have been so much better."

"Don't say stuff like that, Elena!" He shouted a little tremulously. "You can't just take your life for granted like that. Just…shut the hell up, okay? You don't know what you're talking about! What would they think if they saw you right now, if they heard you saying shit like that?"

Match point.

"I woke up today and realized that everything you just said is true. I woke up and decided to be a different person because they would have been so sad, so disappointed in what I'd become." I answered, straightening up to look him in the eye, and then glancing away, my voice softening.

"What would they say if they saw you, Jer?"

He never had the chance to answer, though I saw my words had shaken him up as much as he had intended his to strike me, because right at that moment, Jenna's car pulled up and soon we were on the way back to Elena's house.

When I was safe inside my room, I broke down.

I wanted to go home, I wanted to go back to my own life, to see my brothers and my mum and my gran. I wanted to play with my dog, I wanted my room and my things, I wanted safety, familiarity, and comfort. I didn't want Elena's life. Worse still, I didn't want to start caring for the people here when I knew that I would be spending every waking moment of my life trying to find a way to leave.

I didn't want to get caught up in the danger and darkness that was coming, I wanted to be at home with my family and friends. And what's worse is that I could feel it already: I was starting to care. I flung my notebook across the room, aiming so that it would simply hit the bed with a soft thump because I didn't want to break anything of Elena's.

I eyed the yellow-green diary that belonged to the real Elena for a moment before picking it up and grabbing a pen.

Dear Elena,

I wrote.

I don't know how I got here or how I ended up taking over your life like this, but I would like to say, first and foremost, that I apologize. I wonder if you're somewhere around here, if you know what's happening, or if you're just gone. I'm going to do whatever I can to get you back where you belong and me back where I belong, I promise. I won't quit until I either find a way or find out there's no way. And I just want you to know that whatever happens, I'll do my best to protect the people you love in your place. And…I want you to know that I won't be writing in this book, not ever again. It's your book, and I don't want to intrude in your life any farther than I already have. I'm writing you this note to…I don't know, give you peace of mind. Give myself peace of mind. I don't know where you are right now, but I truly am sorry.

Yours,

Lena

I stared down at the page for a moment before closing over the book and getting off the bed to put it away where Elena could find it again later and stopped. I had happened to look out the window and who should be standing there but Stefan.

He lifted a hand in soundless acknowledgement, his expression unsure, so I held up one finger to reassure him and set Elena's diary down, shrugged a jacket on over my pajamas, and tip-toed quickly to the door.

He was right there waiting.

"I know it's late," he started, but I cut him off with a wry grin.

"It's alright, I wouldn't have been sleeping any time soon anyway."

He looked as if he couldn't decide whether he wanted to voice concern or smile and seemed to at last settle on shrugging.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

I was surprised, pleasantly so, but surprised nonetheless. I hadn't expected to make such an impression on him, although it was probably mainly Elena's looks and the whole doppelganger allure thing that did it since I was fairly certain he would only find my chatty presence tolerable at best.

"It's funny how when other people ask me that, it's a courtesy, but you really mean it, don't you?" I mused thoughtfully, leaning against the doorway, and then shook my head. "Sorry, rambling again. Do you want to go for a walk? Or is it too cold out?"

"We can walk, if you want." He agreed, and I slipped on the pair of flats I'd kicked off near the door out of habit and stepped outside, shutting the door behind me.

"Come on, it's so nice and fresh out!" I exclaimed, dancing out of my yard and twirling once on the sidewalk, laughing. I sobered quickly, though, at the thought of Vicki.

Stefan followed me with his hands in his pockets.

"Are you okay?" He asked after a few, amiably silent minutes of walking.

I considered it.

"Okay? Probably not. I feel like I've changed overnight, and I'm still trying to match the person I'm becoming to this face, you know what I mean? But I'm learning. I'm settling in, making myself a place where I am because that's all I can do right now. But that's not a very good answer, is it?"

"It's an honest one," he replied quietly. "I think…that maybe I understand. It's hard enough to change because every part of you wants to fight it, and when you finally get there, it's like you don't really fit into the hole left by the old you. And you try to fill it up, but there's always something missing. Something that could make you whole again."

I tripped as my shoe got caught on a particularly large crack in the sidewalk and Stefan grabbed my shoulders to keep me from falling. I felt like the conversation was going somewhere I didn't want it to go, but there was something comforting about the honesty there was between us at that moment. Still…I couldn't just leave it there.

"After my parents died I was pretty much useless. I wasn't there for Jeremy like I should have been, and I neglected my friends because I was so wrapped up in self-pity I couldn't see straight. And yesterday, I made the decision to be better. I had fun with Bonnie and Caroline, who I've known forever, I found a new friend in you, I found the strength inside myself to quit moping and tonight, I think, I might have just gotten through to my brother.

I want to be a better person. I want to fill in the hole the old Elena left, and even if there are huge, important pieces that can't be replaced, there are little things, little happy pieces that can shore up those empty places so that I can be better. I want to live, really live, you know?"

We were nearly at the end of the street and I was recognizing that coming outside in soft cotton shorts had not been the most brilliant of my ideas.

"I know," Stefan said, the corner of his mouth pulled up in a smile, and then abruptly turned back, offering me his arm. "Come on, I'd better get you home. It's freezing out here."

We spoke of lighter things on the way back, and he walked me all the way up to Elena's door where we said our good nights.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow, Stefano!" I said cheerfully as he walked away. He stiffened at the nickname before turning around and waving.

"Until tomorrow, Lena!"

I beamed at his usage of the name I wished to adopt to differentiate me from Elena, and called rather mischievously, "and Stefan?"

"Yes?" He answered, pausing on the sidewalk to look back to me again.

I smirked.

"You can come in." I said loudly, and then waved one last time and called a cheery good night before quickly scurrying inside and shutting the door behind me.

Oh yes, I think that was the start of a beautiful friendship.

To be continued in The Night of the Comet.