Chapter Two

And Now You Want To Ask Me How

Part I

I couldn't imagine what she must be thinking. I walked quickly away from the cafe and plopped down on some grass to cry once I felt far enough to be mistaken for shrubbery.

"Idiot!" I chastised myself.

"Amy?" I heard Karma's concerned voice following me out. Her footsteps had been so quiet, I didn't even know she had been there all along.

Damnit, I thought. What did she want?!

"Amy?" She yelled, not seeing me. I looked up to see her desperately scanning the street.

"I'm right here, Karma," I squeaked.

"Amy…" She kneeled down next to me on the grass not caring if the grass would stain her light blue jeans.

"I'm the worst," I cried, hiding my face in my knees.

"Amy, you're not," Karma tried. She had her hand on my back and she was hovering close near my body.

"I'm so stupid!" I cried. "I screw everything up!"

"You haven't done that!" Karma fought harder. She probably wanted to shake me. I felt her hand rubbing my back. "Can we talk about this please?" She asked sweetly.

"Why are you even still here?" I stared up at her.

"Because I love you Amy," Karma said.

"Just not like that," I repeated like a fucking ass.

"Amy, did…" She was about to ask a question but she stopped herself.

"What?" I asked.

"Did you sleep with him just to prove something?"

"Are we really talking about this?!" I asked. "Can't we just pretend it didn't happen?" I felt my tears choke at me again.

"I can't do that," Karma said solemnly, showing pain. She must've known it hadn't been for pleasure, the sex.

"Are you okay?" Karma asked.

"Jesus, Karma! What the hell does it look like?!"

She plopped her butt down next to mine.

"God, look at us," Karma smiled in that stressed out way and I knew exactly why. We were so complicated it was actually comical. "Did you like it at least?" Karma asked, staring over at me. She wasn't even mad. It was like she wanted me to have liked it.

"No," I shook my head sadly and met her eyes. More tears escaped me. "I was mad at you and drunk and I just wanted to be normal." I felt the air in my lungs falter. Saying it out loud felt so fucking stupid. "I didn't care what it felt like. I just wanted to change," I choked out through my sobs.

Karma was watching me sadly, she brushed the heel of her hand over my cheekbone to wipe the tears. And she pulled my hair-tie off and ran her fingers through my hair. I could tell she was just looking at me, thinking I was pretty, and smelling my shampoo. Somehow that made it all worse. Why couldn't she just love me back?!

"I'm glad you don't change," she said lovingly. My lips pursed tightly and I laid my head down again.

"How'm I supposed to be happy?" I asked.

"Come 'ere," she said, stirring me and opening her arms.

"I can't, don't," I said, wanting to fight her.

"I'm not giving you a choice," her eyes were crying too. She stuck her legs on either side of me and pulled me down into her arms. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and began to wail. As she held me I felt myself give up. She knew everything now and it still didn't help.

Part II

We spent all morning together lounging around at my house. She made me breakfast and braided my hair. Lauren came out randomly and seemed to be watching us. For some reason, ever since the wedding she had started to seem like my protector. I felt an instant closeness to her now. I was grateful for her.

"What's with Lauren?"

"She knows it all…"

"You talked to her?" Karma seemed shocked.

"It was the toast…" I said. "She figured it out and chased after me but I was with you… Apparently she heard everything."

"What do you mean everything?" Karma asked nervously

"Come on Karma," I pathetically mimicked my naive fucking self from the night before. "Jump off the edge with me." I had to hold at my head just thinking of it. The hangover was strong and painful today.

"You were sweet," Karma said.

"I was an idiot," I felt extremely defensive about it.

"You were romantic," she was trying to make me feel good. She pulled me into lay on her again. We were on the couch and cuddling. She wouldn't let me be away from her and I felt soft in her arms, completely hungry for her touch and refusing to hide it. When she touched me now I let my body show how it felt. I let my eyes stutter and my breath catch audibly. I wouldn't hide it anymore. I wanted her to just see how much she affected me, how much I craved her all of the time.

"I like when you let me touch you like this," she crooned almost amazed. She was watching me feel her. "I can't believe I didn't notice this," she almost whispered, admiring me. I swallowed hard in my throat. I didn't want to cry anymore but it all hurt too much.

"What?" I asked, feeling tortured and delicate, in love.

"How much I affect you," she stared into my eyes for much too long. I moved off of her to stop it all.

"Want a soda?" She looked at me sadly. She hadn't wanted me to move. She wanted to touch me so that she could watch me and see. She wasn't sickened by me and somehow that almost made it worse.

"You don't have to feel bad," she whined, knowing why I had moved.

"Don't you get it?!" I asked, taking a soda out of the fridge and slamming it down on the counter. I stopped myself from speaking and opened the can, drinking it down. It burned in my throat making me antsy.

"Tell me," she said, seeing how I bit my words back and swallowed them down. She turned around on the couch so that she could better see me. "Amy, come on," she pushed.

"It's not fair," I choked out. "I want you to touch me so bad but it's not real."

"Amy, what's not real?" She seemed skeptical.

"You touch me and I feel it. I want you. And what do you want?" I asked.

Karma was quiet and I really didn't know what she was thinking.

"I wouldn't touch you if I didn't want to," she said, as if realizing it only right then. Why the fuck did she say things like that?! This was my whole entire fucking problem! She was so fucking sweet to me, she was always so sweet. And I knew it was honesty. She was being honest. What the hell was I supposed to do with all that?!

"So, what?! You want to tease me?!" I asked bitterly. "Lets torture Amy! Isn't is cute?! Look how she suffers! Look how she wants me?"

"Amy, no," Karma gasped seeming disgusted. It certainly hadn't occurred to her before. She never meant to hurt me on purpose. I didn't want to walk back to the couch.

"All I want is for you to hold me, you know that?! That's all I want all the time."

"So, let me hold you," she said as if life could ever really be that fucking simple.

"I need to get over you," I said. "I'm too weak Karma, it's not fair." She turned back around on the couch and sat down with her back to me. I was trying to be strong but how could I given the circumstance? She hadn't done anything wrong, not really. All she wanted was to sooth me and mend all of my wounds. I found myself thinking of Katniss and Peta in the forest in The Hunger Games. I choked in the kitchen feeling bitter.

"You're not leaving me any options," she choked out through her tears. Since her back was to me I didn't know until she spoke that she had started to cry.

"Karma, I hate this," I said walking over to her. I knelt down in front of her and took her hands in my own. "It hurts to be with you, okay? That's not your fault. You didn't do it." I shook my head in my tears and squeezed her hands really tight. "I don't want to be without you but this is worse. It's like false hope or something. It's dangerous, it could break us." She didn't get it. She couldn't get it.

"I can't be without you," she said, knowing it. I searched her honest eyes, feeling trapped. She was crying and I had caused that. All of this was my fault, not hers. She had been the best of best friends and I had fucked it all up, all of it.

"But.. I'm in pain, Karma…" I couldn't explain it. "If you want me to just suffer I guess I will but it's not right… It shouldn't be this way. I'm not going to pretend I'm not craving you 24/7-"

"I don't want that, Amy," Karma cut in. "I want you to be yourself."

"Myself wants YOU," I said, standing up. I paced the room just thinking of how hard this all was. "I'm breaking when you walk into a room and I'm breaking when you look at me that way and I'm breaking when you touch me because I can't, I can't have you," It was all getting so dramatic and I just wanted to die.

Karma turned into the couch to cry. I crawled up and made her hug me and I held her.

"We're changing," she wept, holding me tight.

"I don't want it," I cried too. It was like we were finally admitting it, this thing we'd both been feeling and not talking about for way too long.

"I know," she said. Neither of us wanted to be in so much pain. We loved each other and that had always been true.

Lauren came out of her room, she probably heard my loud choked voice. She gave me a blushed look of worry and turned quickly away. She obviously came out to save me or help but what could she do?! There was nothing she could do. I held onto Karma and swallowed my bitterness.

"Lauren," I said. "Hey, Lauren."

"What?" She asked, wanting to do something, anything and be of help.

"Can you make us nachos?" I asked.

She could tell I was still crying from last night.

"Fine," she said, pretending she hadn't come out of her room to make sure I was okay. "But only because I was going to be making some anyway."

I chuckled into Karma's ear and she chuckled back, holding onto my arm.

"It feels so good to hear you laugh," she whispered.

I felt my heart twist in my chest. Holy fuck, I wanted to keep her.

Despite all that had been said, neither of us wanted to move. It was like we were clinging on now to all that we were and all that we could ever be.