"And," I said, accentuating the vowel. "Done." Okay, yeah, I hesitated when pressing the small trash can. But can you blame me? I've had these skeezy geezers in my contacts since I was 13... It's hard to re-invent yourself.
Yeah, I'm re-inventing myself. But not in the cheesy Hollywood movie way, like cutting my hair because fuck that. I actually liked my dark tresses. I'm also not going to buy a whole new wardrobe (I'm broke). I did think about getting a pet but...(I'm still broke and I can't support a dependent), boyfriend (see previous). I'm not going to do the whole makeover thing either, my mother's whore-paint is enough for me to live au naturel.
I am going to stop being a sleazy girl, taking advantage of all these middle aged men, apply for college because I'll be damned if I'm going to rot away in this shithole of town like my mother. Face my fears at least once a month, August has been done and dusted so September, I'll tell my mother that she has a drug problem. Get a job and not expect my mother to give flying fuck that I want to go to college, or have any idea what I'll need.
Stop using men. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Live life instead numbing myself to it like her.
Stop thinking about Corazon...
~·~
"Sorry, but that class is full." I eyed the woman skeptically. They usually just said that so that the students were forced to apply for other classes that were less popular. And while I found it hard to believe that Art class sold like hotcakes, I knew it was only because it was a class you could skim by in.
"I reserved Art last year." Why did I expect her to care? It was futile. She looked like she was half asleep in this swampy office. She looked up at me with a lazy gaze.
"Sorry," She kind of sighed, her half-assed attention focusing back on her computer screen. I saw the reflection of a solitaire game in her glasses. "But we do have a few seats left in Film." She shifted a card before looking up at me.
"I want Art."
"There's no money in art." Jesus. What a rude woman. Like I need you to tell me that. "Film is great, you can be an actress."
"I think you learn how to do that in Drama."
"Well sure, but Film is kind of like art too." She shrugged, turning back to her card game. Fuck. She did have a point. Okay, I can deal with that. I'm fairly creative, which I should be after years of turning a shit-show that was my life into something half decent. Kind of. I'm good at working with what I have, and it ain't much.
"Okay," I huffed. "Sign me up."
I walked out to my bike before glancing down at the sheet of paper she had printed off for me.
FILM STUDIES (9:30-10:30 MON, TUE, FRI)
C. DONQUIXOTE
BLOCK B, CLASS 42
"How do you even pronounce that?"
~·~
Okay, so I'm trying my hand at film studies. I'll have to admit, I have no idea about Kubrick or Hitchcock- you know, the one's you're supposed to say you're into, the good ol' boys. And I'm not a hipster, or a film enthusiast. My tastes skew modern like Terrence Malick, J. J. Abrams, Peter Jackson and the anime films by Miyazaki (which are amazing).
I wonder how well that will go down with my Film Studies teacher.
~·~
It kinda feels like the world knows how to be happy and they won't let me in on the secret, he had said.
I couldn't get him out of my head. Somewhere in this town was man with an angel's face, a man that asked me my name before he fucked in his car on a hellish August night.
I biked up to the water tower on the hill that overlooked the grounds of where the carnival had been set up. I set my bike down near the fringe of where the tall grass began and walked up the steep, gravel trail. Once I was at the top I climbed the rust-eaten rungs of the ladder that lead up to a crows nest that had been hammered together by some stoners with scraps of wood. From here the lights looked like a crazy swarm of fireflies trapped under an invisible jar. Just like me.
So, I thought. Am I feeling good after sleeping with a nice guy and walking away? Did it hit the spot? Or am I more alone than I ever was before?
All rhetorical questions by the way.
Okay, so maybe being wanted intensely for a few hours wasn't enough. Sure, it got me through few days, sometimes weeks here and there but when the loneliness returned it felt bigger, hungrier. I thought it was the guy. Once I met a nice guy it'd be different, but I met the nice guy and left him and I still felt empty.
I told myself that this was his life was. Nobody was happy. Nobody was fulfilled. Corazon was wrong when he said that there was some secret to happiness. There isn't. You just have to harden yourself up and not let the emptiness devour you.
There was a crack, followed by some rustling in the grass.
I jumped, wishing I had a knife or something to protect myself with. Some tweaked-out psycho?
"What are you doing here?" A boy asked. Shit, he was standing next to my bike.
"Go away." I said in a menacing voice. There was a long stretch of silence before I heard a dark chuckle.
"That's some height to fall from. Your skull would shatter," He kicked at the gravel. "Upon impact."
Okay, creepy. Where is that damn knife...
"Well, I'll make sure not to." I figured the longer I stayed up there the more he'd think I was scared of him-I was, but I wasn't going to show him that. So, I climbed down the ladder, jumping the last few rungs and landing on nimble feet.
The boy was a good head and shoulders taller than me. I looked up at him and was taken back by how dark and handsome he was. His hair was made up of silk back strands that actually had a just-fucked kinda look, his face held sharp features such as his steel grey eyes that were rimmed with dark circles-all these probably described some young twenty-something man but he held a youthfulness that told me he was around my age. Maybe a year or two older.
"You actually came down," His lips curled up into a malicious grin. "How brave. I could be some sick serial killer."
"Are you?" There was so much bravado laced in my voice that he'd either believe it, or not.
"Not tonight."
I swallowed nervously and pushed past him, yanking my bike from the ground. I felt those cold, narrow eyes watch every move I made, kind of like I was being analyzed. I shot a quick glance over my shoulder as I swung my leg over the seat.
He smirked triumphantly.
~·~
Freedom was officially over.
The sun was still a burning ember in the sky but it began to slant a little more heavily, the shadows of leaves flickering against the pavement like pixels. The world slowly took on a gold tint as the Autumn decay started setting in. The voices around me were soft, more relaxed as everyone began to wind down from the summer, probably preparing themselves for the schedules, routines and straitjackets.
8:25, the first bell of the first day of school for the new Remy.
I reorganized my thoughts, mentally preparing myself for the next ten months. I waded through the sea of tanned pubescent bodies and the mist of over applied gel and perfume that came with them. Everybody had a cell jammed against their faces trying to get in their last bit of airtime before having to sever all contact with the outside world. I tossed mine into my locker easier than I would have liked to but let's face it, after deleting all those men from my contact list there was nobody left.
So began the first day of my new "unpaid internship" as I had told Corazon. I wonder what he was up to?
Now in retrospect, your probably screaming to yourself: Don't you feel it? Don't you feel that strange edginess in your blood, the way it vibrates as if some nearby force is causing disturbance? Don't you fell the disturbance Luke?
I slammed my locker shut.
One of the school's Mean Girl stalked past, lip curled and her eyes slid up and down my body like a viper's tongue. Okay, maybe I didn't completely change myself. Like I said, I wasn't getting a new wardrobe and I'm not Mother freaking Teresa. I wore shorts that were within a hair's width of school regulation and some old shirt that belonged to a guy I probably fucked, it wasn't buttoned very diligently but it covered enough.
Funny thing was that I still looked at least three times better than her, even after she probably spent all morning tweezing and abrading only to resemble an angry looking clown. I smiled at her sweetly and her scowl deepened. You could almost see the circuits sparking behind her eyes as she scanned me: Target acquired. Terminate.
8:30-9:30, World History. Not exactly a topic I wanted to use my brain for at eight in the morning. My mind wandered. Here's some history of the world: Girl meets boy. Girl fucks boy. Girl gets scared and skips out on boy. Boy builds civilization to lure girl back.
After class I made a beeline to my locker, stupidly thinking I had some kind of comfort waiting there for me. Oh right, I deleted the numbers. I sighed heavily, pressing my forehead against my cool locker. Chin up sport. You're a new person and you can deal with this.
"I'm certain that you can shatter your skull that way too."
My heart sank as my skeleton jumped out of my skin. Twisting my head I was met with a set of particularly cold, grey eyes and that lazy but still mocking smirk. What the hell are you doing here, I wanted to scream.
"You have a weird obsession with my skull..."
He smirked again. I didn't like the way he looked down at me but I had the feeling he would still find a way to even if we were the same height. He just felt arrogant. He turned to a locker three spaces from mine, collecting a few thick books and tucking them under his arm.
"Anatomy?" I asked, catching a quick glimpse of one of his books.
"Biology, but that is none of your business." He remarked, sauntering off down the hall. Jesus, I need to steer clear of him.
~·~
Film Studies was next. My first taste of the future I dreamt about. My ticket out of this town. I swam upstairs through the crush of bodies. Like a lamb prancing cluelessly toward a knife.
Room 42 was down the hall, a huge window beside like a portal straight into the sun. I stopped there, spending a few seconds soaking in the light, photons beaming through my eyelids and the warmth seeping into my skin, reminding me of that night he warmed my very soul. Yeah, my own personal sun that I had given up.
When I walked into the classroom my vision danced with microscopic explosions of blood vessels, a hazy red sparkle.
I saw him first.
I didn't even blink. Everything inside me came to a halt. His hair was still a shaggy mess of gold, he wore pressed slacks and a collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows with a gleaming sliver watch on his wrist. Not the casual attire I remember him in but it was undeniably him. I knew those hands. I knew that mouth. I'd pictured that face, his eyes shut, nuzzling into my neck as I lay in bed and got myself off.
I knew instantly and unequivocally. Corazon Donquixote. Starting his new job as a teacher here at Newgate High.
My teacher.
9:30-10:30, intro into the End of the World.
He raised his head and swept a generic, acknowledging smile over the room, starting with the far side. It took all of two seconds to reach me but I felt it coming like thunder, sensing my imminent doom and yet paralyzed, unable to run. Despite how good I was at that.
He reached me and paused. His face fell. Not in dismay-all expression went out of it. Shock.
A kid nudged me aside and walked in, slicing my gaze from Corazon's. I was stupidly standing in the doorway. Time felt like a series of small eternities, but it was mere seconds. Corazon stared at me dazedly. I think he was confused. I don't think he realised I was a student yet. I made myself step into the classroom and took the nearest seat to the doorway. You know, just in case.
His mouth opened slightly.
What did we do wrong, Your Honor?
I was of age, he wasn't my teacher yet.
I drank, everyone drinks.
He purchased alcohol for me. I lied about my age. Not his fault.
I rest my case.
My eyes were open but I wasn't even conscious of having seen anything for a minute. A gray-out mother dearest like to calamity. You didn't pass out but you just...weren't there for a while. Yeah, my whole life you bitch, but that's not the issue right now.
The room started to fill up. Corazon shuffled papers around his desk, unwittingly knocking his empty mug (thankfully) of the edge. He looked up and stuttered a chuckle, plucking the mug up and setting it right in the middle of the desk.
Was this a dream? Though, it felt distinctly nightmarish.
Corazon straightened and walked toward the door, pausing beside me.
"C-can I see you outside?" Soft, discreet. No hint of emotion. I stood without looking at him, feeling exposed and not just in the sense that he caught me out on my lie but that he was seeing me. He waited out in the sun, his long, lean body bathed in honey gold. Kids streamed in and out of the bathroom, their noises seemed fuzzy and distant like they were behind glass.
All the things I dreamt if doing if I ever saw him again ran through my mind. Run into his arms. Apologize for skipping out. Touch his face.
Kiss him.
Instead, we stood two feet of solid sunlight between each other.
"Remy," He said. My head rose as if his voice lifted it.
"Is that your real name?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
I wasn't prepared for this. I'd expected anger. You lied to me. You ran off. "Why?" I asked, part of me genuinely curious.
He only shook his head.
"I am legal," I said quickly, darting a glance at the kids around us. No one seemed to see anything out of the ordinary, just a teacher talking to a student. "So-don't, you know, be sorry."
"Are you okay?"
I think I'm starting to be. "Yeah."
He rocked on his toes. It made him seem young. God, how old was he anyway? I figured somewhere in his twenties, closely teetering toward the other half but I had no fucking clue. And two measly feet of space wasn't enough to block out that suede smell, tame and subtle now, but unmistakable.
"I don't know what to do," He said. "You tell me what you want. You can transfer to another class. Or I can-I can submit my resignation, right now. I'll do it, just give me the word."
He was talking crazy and it made my heart expand like a balloon. You're guilty, I thought, flustered. You know this will be a disaster if we pretend like nothing happened. Because you still feel something.
The warning bell rang. One minute. Corazon didn't move. His gaze focused on me. "You didn't do anything wrong," I whispered, conscious of the emptying hall. "And I don't want to transfer to another class." For my future, but mostly for you.
"Remy," He said, just my name.
"I'm the knew who should be sorry. I shouldn't have left like that."
Thirty seconds. Lockers slammed. Footsteps hurried.
"I don't think I can do this," He said, his voice breathy.
"It'll be fine," I swallowed every bit of spit in my mouth to say, "Mr. Donquixote." I didn't do half as bad as I thought I would but then against, I did practice it for a while. Little did I know I was practicing his name. Together, we walked back into the classroom.
It was both the longest and shortest hour of my life and at the end of it, all I remembered was him saying "See you tomorrow." and eyeing me a heartbeat longer than anyone else.
~·~
I sat In the cafeteria completely dazed. I don't even remember how I got here or when but I was here, a tray of indistinguishable food sitting front of me. I did notice when somebody began looming over me. I looked up and saw that same dark and handsome boy smirking down at me.
"What?" I said, my voice neither here or there.
"You are rather rude," He mused, a glint of amusement showing in those eyes of his. "Do you have a problem with me sitting here, at this particular table?"
"Would you care if I did?"
"Of course not." He grinned, placing a plastic container down in front of him. I watched as he peeled the lid off, plucked a rice ball up and sank his teeth into it. You see, I was watching him but my kind had already drifted off to somewhere else. Somewhere he was. Where was he?
The bell rang and I managed to focus enough to notice-well, with the helpful kick from dark and handsome. Somehow we had walked down the hall together before he stopped in front of me. I looked at him like a deer in headlights, where was I again?
"I think you may need this back." He said handing a phone to me- wait, that is my phone.
"How the hell did you-" Oh, what do I care, it's not like there's anything incriminating on it. I deleted that stuff ages ago. "Keep it if you want to. Not like I need it." I said shrugging.
"You will," He said, taking my hand and placing the phone there. Okay, now that I think about it, I might just get Corazon's number- I mean, let's not get ahead of ourselves but I'm still hopeful. "I've already made myself a contact-actually, it's pretty pathetic that I am the only contact you have."
"What?"
"Is that the extent of your vocabulary? 'What'" He teased. "Just answer whenever I contact you, yes? I'm sure someone of you caliber can manage that at least."
Steer clear of this guy. Yeah, hard to do that when he's driving right into me. "You are a sick psycho aren't you?"
"And you're just figuring this out now?" There was something dark and knowing in his eyes. I looked down at my phone and opened up my contact list. 1 new contact. Law. "Don't go filling your empty head with ideas either. I'm not one of your sleazy hookups. You are my project."
Sleazy hookups?