Just before winter break of my freshman year of college Edward approached me with the idea of heading home for Christmas. His idea was to accompany me to Forks and stay for a week before heading North to Denali so that I could be alone with Charlie. The rest of the Cullens would be here and there, but Carlise and Esme would be waiting for Edward in Denali. Then everyone would return home to be together for the new year.
I was excited at the prospect of seeing Charlie. I had really missed him so much more than I had expected. Then I thought of Renee. I was determined to see them both then. After a few phone calls, we had arranged for Renee and Phil to visit Edward and Charlie and I in Forks as well.
And if you are thinking that I am completely heartless for not having spared a moments thought for Jacob, you'd be wrong. From the moment Edward had uttered Forks, that tightly locked door in my mind had flung open and I was struggling against it with everything I had. I didn't need these feelings cropping up and causing my heart to swell and race. I didn't need the tears that were pricking the backs of my eyes and threatening to spill out. I needed to maintain the tiny shred of control that I had managed to acquire in these last few months away. This would not take me to my knees. That part of my life was over.
Hoping and praying that Jacob wouldn't hate me was a privilege that I lost the moment I said 'I do.' And while I knew that, I couldn't shut out the desperate plea in my heart for him. In the few long months without him I had realized just how difficult it was to survive without the sun.
Before I knew it, I was on a plane bound for Port Angeles and giddy with anticipation.
"HEY there little girl! How's married life treating you?" Charlie called spotting us in the baggage claim.
I hurried over and allowed him to sweep me up into a hug. "I missed you too, Dad." I whispered. Our awkward relationship apparently changed in my absence.
"Seriously Bells, he's treating you right?" Charlie said very quietly.
Caught off guard by the mention of my nickname that was usually only used by one person, I only nodded. I could feel my mood turning melancholy, quickly checking myself, I slapped on a half-hearted smile.
Edward and Charlie finished plucking our luggage from the baggage carousel and we headed out to the parking lot. Charlie was leading the way and as we walked I was scanning the parking lot for the police cruiser. Suddenly I stopped in my tracks, my heart jumped into my throat and my stomach dropped. I was sure I was going to vomit. I was thankful that Edward and Charlie were deep into a conversation about the latest sports event, while I had locked my eyes on the red VW Rabbit parked in the next row over. It was empty. My heart was beating wildly as I looked around frantically, desperately hoping that I would catch a glimpse of him. But I didn't. Finally my heart calmed as we approached the car, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that Jacob was probably watching.
The closer we got to Forks, the more anxious I felt. I shifted around in the passenger seat of the police cruiser. I felt a wave of relief crash over me as my old house came into view. Immediately following that though, it felt like there was a vice grip twisting tighter and tighter on my heart. I was just waiting for it to burst. Emotions in my life always came in extremes. Always sudden and intense and unrelenting. And most often, opposite feelings came at the same time. Just another twisted piece to the conundrum that was my life.
Charlie suggested that we call in for pizza for dinner so that I wouldn't have to scour the cabinets in search of something edible tonight. Tomorrow, we would shop. Once our luggage was settled, Edward told Charlie and I that he was going to head up to the Cullen's old abode and check on everything.
"Aren't you hungry after your long trip?" Charlie inquired.
"I am not, actually. I grabbed a bite while we were laid over in Seattle." Edward replied. Though I knew he'd done nothing of the sort. "Would it be alright if I borrowed Bella's old truck then? I won't be long." My hands went ice cold and my fingers began to tingle. My truck. My truck that Jacob was so closely tied to. Part of my mind couldn't help the feeling of anger that was bubbling in the pit of my stomach. Edward didn't belong in that truck, but then again, neither did I anymore.
"Oh sure, the keys are in the bowl on the table." Charlie called distractedly as Edward made his way for the door.
"I'll see you later, love."
"Yeah, see you."
The soft click of the door closing was followed by an uncomfortable silence. This was the old version of Charlie and I secretly liked us better this way.
"So…." Charlie began, "nothing much has changed as you can see."
"I did happen to notice that. Its nice that everything is the same though. It would hardly seem like home otherwise. Ya know?"
"Yep." Charlie let out an uncomfortable sigh.
"Dad, does Jacob know that I am here?" I asked quietly. There was no use tip toeing around it. This would probably be my only chance to ask such a question as long as Edward was here and I just couldn't wait a week to know.
"I imagine he does Bells, but I wouldn't be expecting him to come around. He's still really hurting. He just needs time. That's the thing about first love, eventually we all move on."
I could tell that Charlie was drawing his answer from personal experience and I was surprised that he would be so candid with me. I was so caught off guard that I couldn't mask my surprise. "Being vague wouldn't make it any easier. Its better that you know now than to dwell on it. Jacob is hardly someone you should be thinking on, Bella. You're a married woman now, it just wouldn't be right."
That familiar prickle of tears was stabbing at me again. I nodded and excused myself to the bathroom. The truth only hurt more as time went on. It was no fault of Charlie's that he had such a ridiculous daughter, but I hadn't expected him to be so honest and straight forward.
The rest of the night went on without much to note and we all retired to bed pretty shortly after Edward returned. It was somewhat amusing to be back in my old bedroom with Edward again. I had become accustomed to sleeping in a much larger bed and mostly alone. Coming back to my old twin bed was definitely an adjustment. Edward settled himself in the rocking chair across the room and for a fleeting moment, it felt like I had my old life back.
The next morning I got up, showered and dressed and went downstairs. Edward was sitting on the couch reading the morning paper. "Good morning, love." He greeted me. "Charlie wanted me to tell you that he had some loose ends to tie up at the station, but that he would be home around noon."
"That's perfect, actually." I said as I approached him. "How was your night?" I asked as I sat next to him sliding my leg over onto his lap and crushing part of the paper.
"It was interesting." he said, clearly being careful in his choice of words. Putting one cold marble hand on my calf he asked, "Did you sleep alright? You seemed to be having trouble with a dream."
I couldn't remember having any dreams at all, but my body didn't feel like I had gotten a full night's rest. "I slept just fine, I'm a little tense from all of the travel though. My shoulders are so tight."
Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting on a pillow on the floor in between Edward's legs and he was gently massaging my shoulders with his icy hands. It felt wonderful. Having his hands on me at all was wonderful. As he continued to knead my stiff muscles into submission, my body began to heat despite his frigid temperature.
After a few more minutes I was feeling pretty relaxed, but also rather turned on. I pushed myself up from the floor and into Edward's lap. I turned around and leaned in to kiss him.
"Doesn't this feel a little like old times?" I asked with a chuckle.
He smiled and pressed his lips to mine. My eyelids fell closed and I just gave myself in to the experience. Letting my body take the lead into my desires. I was opening my mouth begging for Edward to follow suit. And after a moment I felt the arctic chill of his tongue slide across my lips to tangle with mine.
My arousal was surely apparent to him, my body heaving with physical need. I pushed my hips down into his, desperate to feel that he wanted me too, but his control was vast and long enduring and I could feel him start to pull away from me.
"Bella, you know I can't give you what you want. You're just torturing yourself. I really want to give you what you want, but I don't want to kill you in the process."
"We've been married for nearly 5 months Edward and I am still a virgin! You promised me that you would try, and for God's sake if you don't think you can handle it while I'm human, you should just change me already! You promised me! Does that mean nothing to you at all?" I had been holding this inside for a while, but this wasn't the first time that we had had this argument. During our month long honeymoon on Esme Isle I spent several days not even speaking to him. I just couldn't believe that I had married him, the one thing I didn't think I ever wanted to do with anyone, and he was the one who was reneging on the deal.
"Bella, we've been over this. I really just couldn't forgive myself if I hurt you. And you know I can't change you right now, not here. I thought you wanted to ease away from Charlie and Renee and everyone slowly. Don't you want that for them?"
"Edward, I am not a child! I knew what I was giving up when I married you and I was ready then. I said goodbye to everyone then. I'm just torturing myself dragging it out! I just don't see why you can't give me what I want!" And with that I grabbed the keys to my old faithful truck and left for the store without another word.
I strolled through the store determined to take my time, but it was nearing noon and I wanted to have lunch ready for Charlie when he returned home. At the checkout counter I chatted briefly with the cashier and mentally reassured myself that I had gotten enough food for Charlie, Renee, Phil and myself. Their plane was coming in later today and they would be driving a rental car down from Port Angeles.
"Will that be cash or credit?" the cashier asked pulling me from my thoughts.
"Debit actually." I replied glancing up. Something catching the corner of my eye. A lithe female figure with jet black hair and that familiar scowl turned in my direction before rushing out the front door with a plastic bag in hand.
Well, if Jacob hadn't heard about my being here, surely Leah would let him know.
A couple of hours and a few grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup later, I was up in my room rummaging through my suitcase looking for nothing. I was just looking for an excuse to be alone. Being here was beginning to make me question if this visit was really such a good idea. It was straining for my marriage. It was harder to ignore mine and Edward's problems without the distraction of school and my part time work at the college.
Each argument we had about my mortality or my virginity felt like a fresh betrayal. For one who was typically so true to his word, Edward was falling short of my expectancies.
A commotion downstairs shook me from my thoughts.
In the hallway just at the top of the stairs I could hear Renee's voice. "It is really good to see you again Charlie."
I paused, straining to hear Charlie's reply. It was difficult knowing that it had taken Charlie so long to get over Renee, and even though he and Sue Clearwater were seeing each other now, I always felt like there was something still in him holding onto her. "Its good to see you too." I could tell he was holding something back. It was easy to recognize when I was always doing that in my own life.
I continued down the steps with a reticent smile on my face. Renee's face lit up animatedly when she saw me.
"Bella, Bella, Bella! Oh, come here sweetie." She cooed. "I've missed you so much."
It had only been a few months, but I missed her too and told her so.
It was so strange having Charlie, Renee and Phil all in the same place for so long, but after a while we fell into a routine. The three men spent a lot of time immersed in sports talk and the observation of such. Renee and I took a trip to Port Angeles where I put my unlimited credit card from the Cullen's to good use. I treated myself and Renee to four hours at the spa and then she dragged me through the mall insisting that we sit at the makeup counters and let the painted ladies "do us up." We also shopped for gifts for Edward, Charlie and Phil for Christmas. Meal times I could be found bustling around the kitchen throwing together enchiladas or spaghetti or lemon pepper chicken while chatting with Renee. My poor mother couldn't cook to save her life and just like we had agreed in Phoenix, I would cook and she would talk.
In what seemed like mere hours, the week had passed and I found myself wearing the sweater that Renee and Phil had given me for Christmas while hugging them goodbye on the front porch. Edward stood off to the side, his suitcase at his feet, patiently waiting his turn. Renee and Phil had offered to take him to the airport since his flight was only a couple of hours after theirs.
"I'm going to miss you so much Bella." Edward whispered, his black eyes shining with sincerity. "If you need me...for anything at all, please call me, Bella." he continued as he pressed my practically unused cell phone into my palm. He wrapped me in a chilly embrace. Though we had apologized to each other for the fight we had at the beginning of the week, I had been holding onto all of those feelings. Something about being there in Forks was making me bitter about how my life was turning out.
" I love you. " he said as he placed a careful, always careful kiss on my lips.
"I love you too," I replied to his back. He was already descending the front steps.
I watched as the car was loaded up with luggage and loved ones and waved as they pulled away. I stood on the porch long after the car had disappeared from sight. Charlie having long since gone inside to watch sports center, left me to my thoughts. I was alone in Forks. I smiled in spite of myself. For a just a moment it felt like I was in high school again.