Total Drama Callback
Episode 1 Part 2: Back in Fraction (Part 2)
The Film Lot
Chris is standing outside the film lot, with a huge smile on his face.
"Yo! We're coming at you live from Camp Wawanakwa!" Suddenly, an intern runs to the side of him.
"Excuse me, sir?" Chris sighs.
"Yes, nameless intern #4?"
"We're not at Camp Wawanakwa this season. We're back at the abandoned film lot." Chris stares at him for a long time. He then begins to sweat, and curses under his breath. He shoves nameless intern #4 to the side, and begins to talk again.
"Yo! We're coming at you live from…uh, the abandoned film lot! It's been a long time since we've seen this beautiful facility…" The sign outside the film lot breaks immediately after he says this. "…and a long time since you've seen us. But this time, we are BACK, baby! Twenty Total Drama favorites are coming your way, ready to compete for another million dollars. How will they survive what we have ready to throw at them? Let's find out on this season of Total…Drama…COMEBACK!" He stands there, exasperated for a moment. "Bet that was better than Don's intro to his show."
"I think Don had a better intro."
"Shut up, nameless intern #4."
(Theme song plays)
Chris is standing in the same place as he was before. "Bet you missed that theme song, huh buddy?" Nameless intern #4 just shakes his head.
"The Ridonculous Race theme song was better…"
"SHUT UP! THAT INTRO IS TWENTY SECONDS OF PURE CRAP! WE BROUGHT BACK THE MINUTE LONG ONE, AND…" He suddenly remembers the camera is on. He coughs.
"So, as I've stated before, we're back at the film lot, and twenty contestants are returning from the past six seasons." Suddenly, a bus arrives. Chris' smile widens. "Let's say hello to some of Total Drama's favorite gen one contestants! First up, she's one hundred percent nerdy, hasn't competed for four whole seasons, and even won Total Drama Action! Let's give it up for-" suddenly, a lanky nerd in glasses rushes out of the bus.
"Chris! That intro was incredible! I loved it so!" He begins to cry. The host forcefully shoves the nerd off of him.
"Harold, that intro was for Beth, not you! I said she, not he!" Harold tries to stand up for himself.
"Sorry. From inside the bus, it sounded like you said 'he'."
"I also said the contestant hadn't competed for four seasons!"
"Sometimes the continuity on this show is so bad, I just thought the writers forgot I wasn't in season three." Chris checks his intro notes for Harold. The writers did indeed forget he was on season three.
"Even if that's the case, I said the former contestant won Total Drama Action! You didn't win that season!" Harold stands proudly and puts his fist to his chest.
"You know, Chris, sometimes I like to believe I did win Total Drama Act-"
"You know what, Harold? I don't care! We already have enough of you! Go stand away from me!" Harold shrugs, takes his luggage, and walks about fifteen feet away from Chris. The host sighs, and turns to see Beth right by his side.
"What the-?! Beth! Why are you over here?"
"Well, since you already introduced me, I thought I might as well just come out, greet the camera, and say hi to all my fans!" She poses. Crickets begin to chirp. One cricket vomits. Chris stares at her.
"Beth?"
"Yes Chris?"
"Go stand by Harold." The geeky chick scowls, and walks over to where Harold is standing and picking his nose. Chris lets out a sigh.
"Yeesh. Only two cast members in and I already have a headache." Right after he says this, an orange blur rockets down from the air and slams right into his head.
"OW! What the hell?!" The host gets up. Standing right next to him is Izzy, who is holding a vine, smiling wildly. "Izzy, why weren't you on that bus? And how did you get that vine?!" The psycho hosebeast just cackles.
"Silly Chris. Those questions aren't important."
"Yes they are!"
"No they aren't. Here's an important question: why is my stereotype the psycho hosebeast? Like, what does that even mean? Were the writers on opium when they came up with that?" This suddenly sparks Harold's interest.
"Actually, the origin of the derogatory term is from 1992 cult classic Wayne's World, meaning an objectionable woman. Mike Myers utters it for the first time…"
"Harold! Shut up! I am DONE! Can you do anything riAHHH!" He is suddenly hit by a green duffel bag. He slowly gets up to see the smiling face of a green-mohawked teen greets him.
"You call Duncan? Cause Duncan is here, and he is ready to show it off for the camera." He begins to flex and starts wiggling his giant unibrow around. More crickets begin to chirp. Another one barfs. Chris lets out a groan.
"No! I didn't say Duncan! Just because I said "done" and "can" doesn't mean your eighteenth century name was uttered from my mouth!"
"Fine. Whatever, Chris. I'm just happy to be back." Beth scowls at this.
"Why are you back, anyway? Haven't you had enough screen time?" Harold nods at this.
"Yeah! Literally everyone's tired of seeing you on screen, camerawhore!" Duncan rolls his eyes at this.
"Yeah, all of the fan girls that send me hundreds of nudes a day are tired of seeing me. That's why I won Total Drama Action." Beth begins to get angry.
"No, I won Total Drama Action! Chris even said I did!"
"Well, clearly Chris is on crack. I won in the Canadian AND American endings. Who in their right minds would vote for you to win anyway? No one's seen your pathetic ass since TDA! You were the only final two member not to even make an appearance in All-Stars!" Beth can only whimper at this point.
"I won in the Netflix ending…"
"Yeah I don't care." He shoves Harold to the ground. "I don't care that our rivalry seems to be coming out of literally out of nowhere, undermines our friendship from season two, and will probably be forgotten by next episode. I don't even care that my intro has taken up about a page of dialogue. The important thing is I was picked to be in this season, and I'm gonna beat your ass to pulp, just like I did in season two." Izzy suddenly interferes their intense interaction.
"Actually, I'm pretty sure everyone else's contracts got destroyed by an incinerator, and Chris only had twenty of us he could bring back." The four contestants begin to stare at Chris, who looks like he is sweating nervously. However, he is saved…somewhat.
"Duncan shouldn't even be here, Chris. He was arrested for blowing up your mansion! He should be in jail!"
"First off, Courtney, you should've waited until I gave you your introduction! And secondly, it was a cottage!"
"Mansion!"
"Cottage!"
"IT WAS PLAYA DES LOSERS!" Everyone stares at Harold, who is heavily breathing at the mistake. Chris just sighs.
"Look, it doesn't matter that Duncan is supposed to be in jail. What is important is that we should move on from his introduction." Courtney walks where all the contestants are standing. Duncan gives her a seductive wave.
"Hi, princess."
"Eat a d**k."
"Oooh, feisty." He leans in for a kiss. He instead gets a foot to the kiwis and falls to the ground.
"Anyway…" Chris tries to speak, but is interrupted by a roar followed by a home schooled Amish kid flying by his head. He turns his head to see an extremely muscular woman breathing down his neck. The host sighs.
"Ah, yes. Eva, always good to see…you…?" She walks right by him, tears down a tree, and rips it in half.
"That seems like a fitting entrance for Eva." Ezekiel then marches over to Chris. Only this time, he isn't feral anymore. In fact, he looks completely back to normal. Chris smiles a little too hard.
"Ezekiel! What's up buddy…glad you're back! I just wanted to, er, apologize for the past few years, and turning you into a feral monster. But, now you're back to normal so everything is ok, right?" For the whole monologue, Ezekiel has had his hand pointed up at the sky. Chris scowls. "What are you doing?"
"I think I see a bird!"
"What?"
"Well, you asked what was up, eh, so I looked up, and saw a bird." He smiles. The entire cast and Chris just stare blankly at him. Chris sighs.
"Well, glad you're back to normal, I guess." Courtney scowls at this.
"Wait, how is Ezekiel back to normal exactly? That much time exposed to toxic waste and living with animals should have changed him permanently." Chris just laughs.
"Courtney, Courtney, Courtney…you just don't understand the process of Hollywood magic. The important thing is that Ezekiel is back to normal, and that I'm not gonna get sued by his degenerate parents."
"What?"
"Nothing!" He chuckles nervously. Suddenly, Bridgette walks out. Chris sighs.
"Is everyone just gonna walk out without me having to introduce them?" Bridgette scowls.
"I was just going to check on Ezekiel! He asked Eva if she had any tips on how to get buff, and she took him by the neck and threw him straight out the window!" Chris laughs.
"Classic Eva." Ezekiel gains a goofy look on his face.
"You wanted to know if I was ookay, eh? That's so thoughtful." He gives her puppy eyes, while she groans. However, she only notices Ezekiel for a few more seconds before she feels heavy breathing down her neck. She turns around, to see an angry Eva. Bridgette looks confused.
"Uh, hi…Eva."
"Hello…TRAITOR!" The surfer jumps back at her accusation.
"What are you talking about?!"
"Season…one. You will pay." The buff girl precedes to uppercut the tree standing next to them, which goes flying off into the distance. Bridgette can only gape there, shell-shocked. Chris lets out a low-whistle.
"I knew bringing her back would be awesome. Now, let's see who we got so far." He turns his head. Bridgette has integrated herself into the group, accidentally knocking over Ezekiel with her surfboard. Eva stands there emotionless with her headphones blasting. Izzy is juggling Beth and Harold, who are both getting motion sickness. Duncan is laughing at their pain, while Courtney is checking her PDA. The host looks annoyed.
"This season's gonna suck," he mutters to himself. A voice comes out from behind him.
"I know. Who knows how long it will be before Eva destroys the entire camp!" Chris turns to his left, to see Trent standing right next to him. He does a double take.
"What the-Trent?! Who told you that you could come off the bus?"
"I was the only one left on the bus. Besides, eight people have already come out." The host stands there.
"Uh, yeah. So?" Trent scoffs.
"Dude, that would make me the ninth person to be introduced!" Chris continues to stare blankly at him.
"Still not following." Trent looks saddened.
"Nine's my lucky number! My grandpa gave me a ten-wheel toy train and one of the wheels fell off before he died! Don't you remember?" Chris laughs.
"You haven't been an important character since the fifth episode of the second season. You really think I'd remember some stupid piece of trivia like that?" He continues to laugh. "Go stand over by the other contestants. You might have to reintroduce yourself, though. They probably don't remember your name." The dejected guitarist picks up his stuff and joins the rest of the group. Ezekiel looks at him weirdly, before a small smile grows on his face.
"Hey! I remember you, eh!" Trent begins to smile.
"You do?"
"Of co'orse, eh!" Ezekiel shakes his head up and down. "You're Gwen's boyfriend!" Trent's smile immediately falls. Duncan cannot help himself from hysterically laughing.
"Don't worry, Zeke. You won't need to remember his name. He'll be gone before you know it." Trent angrily begins to pout, before Chris calls him over.
"Hey…Brent, right?"
"It's Trent, man. You literally just said my name a page ago!"
"Yeahhh I don't really care." He counts the contestants once again. "You said no one was left on the bus, right?" Trent nods.
"Yeah, man. That was it." Chris taps his chin.
"Huh. There should be one more contestant from the first season, but I kinda forgot who it was." Courtney audibly groans.
"This is ridiculous, Chris! First you can't remember…uh…" Trent sighs.
"It's…Trent, Courtney." She nods.
"Right. His name, and now you don't even have track of one of your contestants?! This is ridonculously unprofessional!" Chris gasps.
"DON'T YOU EVER USE THAT WORD, GOT IT?!"
"You know, Don never forgot who his contestants were."
"Nameless intern #4, I swear to god…" As he continues to rant, a helicopter flies over everyone's head. A speck of red can be seen from atop of the helicopter, but no one notices.
"Woo! Looks like it's time to show off the Tyler's new skydiving lessons!" He grabs a parachute, and jumps out the plane.
"EXTREME! Woohoooooo! This is awesome! Oh wait- nononono-" Tyler begins to lose control and his parachute pack flies out off his shoulders. Meanwhile, Chris is still ranting about The Ridonculous Race.
"And Don barely even did anything! How was anyone supposed to get involved with the show when he was about as interesting as a piece of paper! I mean, come on-" he is cut off when the jock lands on top of him. Both of them groan, but Tyler quickly gets up.
"Did you guys see that? That was totally extreme, guys! Guess that just shows the power of an athlete. Ha ha. Awesome!" The teens stare at him for a few seconds. Ezekiel breaks the silence.
"Chris, eh! I think I kn'oow who your other contestant is!" The host grumbles.
"Yes, I can see, homeschool." He sighs. "Tyler, everyone." Tyler cheers again and fist pumps. Duncan just chortles.
"Chris, you seriously brought back some of the most forgettable contestants the show has ever seen. You got the two dork wonders over there," he gestures to Harold and Beth, "the creepy homeschool kid," he points to Ezekiel, who's picking his nose, "the guitar guy-"
"C'mon! My name's Trent, dude. We even had an intense rivalry in the second season!"
"For how many episodes? Like four?" This shuts Trent up. "Exactly. And now, to top it all off, you brought back this loser? Nobody cares about Tyler!" Courtney chimes in.
"Oh, soooo sorry queen diva. We can't all ride the producers' dicks like you and be in literally every season possible." Duncan scoffs at her.
"Like you're one to talk, princess. You were riding Scott's dick during all of All Stars." Courtney gasps.
"Now you're bringing up All Stars?! You little…" They begin to argue, which causes a series of other arguments. Tyler begins to argue with Eva over who's the better athlete, while she counters by punching him in the face. Izzy kicks Harold in the kiwis and runs away laughing. Beth begins arguing with Ezekiel about proper farm etiquette. Bridgette just stands there, polishing her surfboard, and is completely unamused. Trent begins arguing with everyone about all of his memorable moments on the show. Chris tries to get a word in, but finds it nearly impossible with all the chaos ensuing around him. Finally, he gets fed up.
"ENOUGH!" The host yells loud enough for everyone to stop and look at him. He is heaving with rage. He then settles himself down.
"I don't know what show the ten of you think you're on, but you all certainly need a refresher course. This is Total Drama Callback, not Total Drama Chaos. That's a different story." He pauses, and gives a wink to the camera. He then becomes serious again. "We are barely half way through the introductions of the cast, and what have the ten of you done? Absolutely nothing but argue and drag this out. None of you even let me properly introduce you! You all just came out on your own terms." He takes another deep breath. "We're gonna try something a little different for the other ten contestants. You guys can occasionally pipe in to remind us you're all still here, but no more rants that take up half a page. Okay?" He stands there, breathing heavily. Suddenly, a voice pops in.
"You know, Don flew right through his introductions on The Ridonculous Race." Chris just stares at nameless intern #4. His eyelid starts to twitch.
"MOTHERFUC-"
Twenty minutes later…
The original ten contestants are sitting next to their luggage. Nameless intern #4 is with them, his clothes slightly disheveled. Chris is also there, his eyes red from crying, now fashionably wearing a straightjacket. Chef stands next to him, patting him on the back.
"Maybe you should let the contestants voice some of their thoughts in the makeup confessional." The host warmly smiles.
"You're right, Chef. That is a good idea. Don never told his contestants to do a confessional. DID HE, NAMELESS INTERN #4?" The intern remains silent. "THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" He regains his composure to address the campers. "Alright kids, you can-" he stops when he notices all the contestants except Ezekiel have disappeared.
"What the? Where did they go?" Ezekiel is busy picking his nose to notice Chris asked him a question. "EZEKIEL!"
"Huh?" His finger flings out of his nose, and a booger flies off his finger. It lands right in the center of Chris's cheek. He takes a deep breath.
"Where did the contestants go?"
"Oh yeah! They went to the makeup confessional!" Chris gasps.
"Without my orders?!"
"You were talking pretty loud, eh." The host sighs.
"Just…go confess with the others, ok?' Zeke nods his head enthusiastically, and runs off. Chris then turns to Chef.
"Can you get this booger off my cheek?"
"Nah, I think it's a good look on you."
"Why you little-"
Confessionals
Ezekiel: Yo, this season's gonna be awesome, eh! Now that I'm all healed and not some weird, feral monster anymore, I can finally prove my worth! My only question now is, how am I the first confessional when I was the last person over here? Hmmm. (He contemplates his thought)
*Static*
Harold: Sweet! Another season means more episodes to show off my mad skills! No one stands a chance against me! I lasted longer than everyone on this season that's here right now. (He pauses) Well, except Duncan, I guess. Pretty sure he won TDA. And Beth, too, I guess. She made it to the final two. And there's Courtney, but she made her appearance halfway through the season. So, yeah. Aside from those three, I have the most experience.
Courtney: Well, I've looked at the contestants so far, and already, I can tell this season's gonna suck. Duncan is definitely the worst out of the bunch. (She blows her hair up). Hopefully Scott isn't in this season. That would just be awful, for reasons I don't need to get into. But, c'mon? What are the chances of that?
*Static*
Tyler: It's so awesome to be back! I've got this game in the bag. I'm winning this for you, Lindsay! (He tries to crack his knuckles, but somehow slips and falls out of the frame).
*Static*
Bridgette: Kinda sucks Geoff isn't here this season. But he at least won in The Ridonculous Race, so he doesn't really need to come back. But, knowing him, he'll probably just blow the money on a giant party, so I might as well try to bring home some cash.
Izzy: This seasons gonna be fun! (She rummages through her suitcase, and pulls out a stick of dynamite) Without Owen around, someone's gonna have to make some explosions. Guess it might as well be me! I'll bring a whole new meaning to "silent but deadly". MWAHAHAHAHA!
*Static*
Duncan: Am I pumped to be back? (he scoffs) No. I've been on this show for like, ten years or something. But, it is better than jail. Thankfully the producers bailed me out. Which doesn't really make much sense, because I got sent to jail because of my actions on the show. (He shrugs) The writing team has never been known for their mastery in continuity, so I don't care.
Beth: Man, it's been so long since I've been on the show! But, I mean, I won here last time, so might as well try to win again, right? (Duncan sticks his head in).
Duncan: Nope. I won. (He sticks his head out of frame. Beth just sighs in defeat, not attempting to make a retort)
(Eva walks in the confessional, and sits down. A man appears to do her makeup. She punches him in the face)
*Static*
Trent: I'm kinda sad no one remembers me. I mean, people remembered Tyler, but not me? (He sighs) Complaining won't get me far, though. I came back to prove I'm more than Gwen's lovesick ex. And, if that doesn't work, maybe I'll just drift into the background and win because nobody knows to vote me off. (He laughs awkwardly followed by a depressing sigh).
End of Confessionals
"Okay! Glad everyone took advantage of the one page long stream of confessionals. We good to introduce the next set of campers?" Everyone nods. "You ready, nameless intern #4?" He spits the 'name'. The intern just shrugs.
"From what I remember, Don never asked his interns their opinions. In fact, he didn't even need in-"
"And here they come now!" Chris ignores him. Another bus is pulling up, this one slightly smaller than the previous.
"The second generation cast was quite the marvel. We were lucky to get blessed with thirteen amazing, interesting characters, who had a lot of amazing storylines that were thoroughly fleshed out." All ten contestants burst out laughing hysterically. Chris whips around to face them.
"And why is that so funny?!" Courtney slows down her laughing to speak up.
"Sorry, Chris, but that's a steaming load of crap. A majority of that cast were completely one-note characters who had no personality outside of their gag. And the ones that did have more personality were either completely derailed in All Stars with terrible storylines, or were eliminated way too early in Revenge of the Island." Chris just forces a laugh out at her.
"HA! That's where you're wrong, Courtney! And to prove I'm right, I bet the first contestant to come out of the bus will exemplify NONE of the qualities you described." He calls out to the bus. "Hey, one of you can come out now!" There are mumbles heard, quickly followed by footsteps. Chris chuckles.
"Heh, I can't wait to prove Courtney wrong." The contestant has finished walking out of the bus. Her red ponytails flow with the wind, as the flower on her head illuminates brightly. Her red tank tops shines in the sun, which happens to match her remarkably red lipstick, enhancing her friendly smile. However, she is about to commit a crime unimaginable. Yes, that's right. She is about to speak.
"Hey guys! How's it going? Sooo excited to be back, if that's okay with everyone!" Zoey laughs, then pauses, and looks around. "Say, is Mike here?" Chris stares at her, dumbfounded, for a long time. The…"indie chick", frowns, and looks around her. When she notices nothing is near her, she speaks again. "Was it something I said?" She pauses again, and sees he's wearing a straight jacket. "Isn't that cutting off your circulation?" Chris still doesn't respond, and continues to blankly stare. There is silence for another two minutes. Finally, a voice pipes up.
"Heh, that's hysterical, eh! Instead of exemplifying none of the traits Courtney described, a contestant came out that exemplified almost every trait that she described! Isn't that hysterical, Chris-oh wait." He notices Chris giving him a dark grimace. He quickly reverts back to a smile to face the camera.
"That's right, folks! Back for her third time at the million is Zoey! She made it to the final three and the final two in her two respective seasons. Basically, she's just as big of a camerawhore as Duncan. Hell, she might have even won in All Stars! Did you?"
"I like Mike!"
"Very articulate." He sighs. "I can never remember who won because that finale was so insignificant. A piece of grass could have won and it would've been more exciting!" Zoey smiles at this.
"Aw, thanks Chris!" She walks over to the other contestants. Chris just shakes his head.
"That was a terrible addition. Anyway, our next contestant is a sweatpants wearing gym freak who is always dishing out the meanest insults. She also looks like a man. Come on out, Jo!" The jockette lunges out of the bus.
"Woo! Great to be back, McLean! Nice jacket, it's a great look." She then looks around at the other eleven contestants. Immediately, she roars in laughter. This goes on for like five minutes. Finally, she stops.
"Oh man, this is classic. This is the group of contestants you brought back from season one? None of them are interesting! Like, who even is that guy?" She points directly at Trent. A single tear rolls down his cheek. He doesn't bother responding.
"You might as well just give me the money, McLean!" She begins to laugh, but suddenly stops. She feels breathing down her neck. She turns to see Eva, beet red. "What's wrong with you, roid monkey?"
"You…RIPOFF!" She screams. Jo scoffs.
"Are you kidding? I was far more interesting than you! There are plenty of differences between the two of us!" She pauses. "Right?"
"Well that depends," Chris begins, "are you an aggressive, angry man-lady jockette who enjoys lifting weights?"
"Yeah."
"Well, then Jo, I'd like you to meet the original Jo." The host then has the two jockettes shake. Jo gives a nervous smile. Eva returns with a menacing scowl.
"With that introduction out of the way, let's bring back a season four favorite! He's perhaps the most interesting contestant to ever play the game! He's so interesting, in fact, that the fan communicator for Teletoon didn't even remember he existed! C'mon out, B!" The silent genius walked out of the bus. A majority of the cast smiled.
"Hey B!"
"What's good, silent boy?"
"How's it goin, eh?"
"Wicked! Glad to have you here, man!"
"Sup B-"
"HOLD UP!" Trent screams out. He glares at the original cast. "How do you guys remember B but not me? He was only in four episodes and didn't even talk!" Tyler shrugs his shoulders.
"What can I say? He was pretty memorable." He turns to the rest of the cast. "Remember that time he used the Toxic Rats to get to the totem pole?" Harold nods enthusiastically.
"That was nowhere near as cool as when he made a female wooly beaver out of mud! Incredible! That, or the way he kept his cool about his real name being Beverly. Both great moments." Ezekiel then chimes in.
"Uh, I'm pretty sure you're both forgetting the best B moment, eh! When he used the freaking couch as a rocket! That made me pee my pants, eh." The boys just nod in agreement. Jo scoffs.
"You losers gotta be kidding me…" This makes Trent perk up a little bit. "You should've seen that guy out there on the ice battlefield. The way he used that deflector to melt our castle? Pure genius." Trent just slumps his shoulders.
Confessionals
Trent: *sigh* I give up, man.
End of Confessionals
"Alright B, you should probably join the others before Trent jumps off Wawanakwa Cliff."
"We're at the film lot, Chris. Don wouldn't forget that." Chris whips around again at nameless intern #4.
"CAN YOU EVER GIVE ME A BREAK?" He sighs. "That intern is gonna make me pop a blood vessel, Chef."
"Can't you just get rid of him?"
"No. The producers told me he was the one intern I couldn't get rid of and he couldn't be maimed the entire season. He's one of their kids, or something." He sighs. "Anyway, on that depressing note, let's introduce our fourth Revenge of the Island contestant! He was the most fitting choice for the heroes team in All Stars, but by some luck of god somehow missed out on the season. His hobbies include respecting his elders, working out, being a pain magnet, and peeing his pants. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Brick!" Brick jumps out of the bus, saluting Chris.
"SERGENT BRICK MCARTHUR, REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIR!" Chris beams at his entrance.
"Now why can't the rest of you greet me with such positivity?"
"Because we all acknowledge you're creepy as f**k."
"Well, can't argue with that, Duncan." He sighs. "It's great to have you back, Brick!" Izzy gasps at the sight of him.
"Wow…" She runs over and starts petting his unibrow. Then, she runs back to where she was standing, and starts rubbing Duncan's unibrow, much to his dismay. Then, she runs back to Brick, and starts petting his unibrow. Brick looks at her nervously.
"Um…what are you doing?"
"Your unibrow is even thicker than Duncan's! That's insane!" Brick just looks at Izzy, and then turns to Duncan.
"Is this normal?"
"Get used to it, pal." Brick nods, and stands next to Zoey, greeting her.
"Hey Zoey!"
"Brick! Awesome to see you!" She looks around again, and then turns back to him. "Say, did you see Mike on the bus? He hasn't shown up yet." She continues to look around. Brick awkwardly rubs the back of his neck.
"I don't know how to tell you this, Zoey, but I don't think Mike's going to be on this season." Zoey looks like a bus just hit her.
"No…Mike?" She takes out a notepad. At the top of the page, there is a list titled "Things to Talk About". Under the title is listed "Mike". No other categories are under the list. The indie chick sighs.
"This could be a problem." Meanwhile, Jo taps Brick on the shoulder. He turns to face her, and screams. The jockette jumps back.
"Relax, Brick-for-Brains! It's me. I just wanted to see what the big 'ol unibrow felt like." She begins to rub it a fast as she can. Brick begins to panic.
"Wait! Not so fast! NOT SO FAST! NOT SO-" But it is too late. Everyone notices Brick just peed his pants. Jo takes a couple of steps back, before giving him a weird look. He runs off, completely flushed and embarrassed.
Confessionals
(Brick is rubbing the wet spot on his pants for a long time. Finally he speaks).
Brick: It happens when I'm nervous, ok?! (Chris sticks his face in)
Chris: I love this show.
End of Confessionals
"Well that was certainly enough of Brick, agreed?" Brick, now in changed pants, slowly nods.
"Good, then let's move on to contestant number five from Revenge of the Island. She's one of the show's most popular contestants, despite only appearing in five episodes, and can talk to the all types of fauna from Camp Wawanakwa! Ladies and gentlemen, let's give up for Dawn!" Chris gestures to the door. No one comes out. He tries again.
"Dawn, everybody!" He gestures to the door a second time. Again, no one comes out. The host frowns. "Where is that girl-"
"Greetings, Christopher."
"GAH!" He jumps back, to see that Dawn has, in fact, been standing next to him this whole time.
"How did you get there? Voodoo teleporting magic? A spell? Some hippie drug that made you somehow appear next to me?!" Dawn just gives him a confused look. Finally, Bridgette speaks up.
"Actually, Chris, she walked out right as you started introducing her. You just didn't see her." Chris stares at her. He then scoffs.
"Nah, it was definitely some hippie drug."
"Pretty sure everything you listed was the exact same, Chris. All non-existent, for that matter."
"Harold, literally no one asked you to speak!" He sighs. "Just go stand with the rest of the cast, Dawn." The aura whisperer shrugs, and greets her fellow contestants.
"Well, we've already introduced five of the characters from one of Total Drama's most interesting seasons-"
"Give me a break, Chris." Courtney chuckles. "If anything, you've further proved my point since Zoey's introduction." She gestures back to the Mike fanatic, who is trying to think of new topics to discuss, but to no avail.
"There is no possible way for you to prove me wrong, no matter who the final contestant is." Chris looks hurt for a second. However, that look of hurt slowly turns into a malicious grin.
"I was hoping you'd say something like that, Courtney. You know what? I won't even introduce this final contestant. He can introduce himself." Chris then calls into the bus. "It's okay! You can come out, now!" Rustling is heard inside the bus, followed by a crash and a loud squelch. Immediately, Courtney recognizes the sound. Her eyes widen in terror.
"Oh no."
"Oh yes." Suddenly, all the contestants' noses start shriveling up in disgust. Beth shrieks.
"Ew! Never have I smelled something this bad! Even on our farm!" Ezekiel, however, inhales the air with sweet content.
"I love it, eh! Smells like home!"
"Wait a minute." Jo sniffs the air once more. "I know that smell from anywhere. It's…"
"Me." Scott pauses, looking at all the contestants who are glaring at him with disgust. "What?"
"Dude, you smell like my dead cat" Duncan groans, covering up his nose. Scott smiles.
"Thanks, man. It's my new, handmade deodorant. I call it…Cat Guts." Ezekiel looks intrigued.
"Ooh, what's it made of, eh?"
"Cat guts, of course." The entire cast looks like they're about to barf. Some with weaker stomachs, like Brick and Beth, already have. The rest are either disgusted, Eva (who is still staring blankly at what's going on around her), or socially inept, like Izzy and Ezekiel, and thinks he smells "unique". And then there's Brick, who peed his pants again, this time because of the smell. Chris is among the weaker stomachs, having already barfed three times.
"Dude, that's seriously gross. Chef!" Chef walks over with a power hose and a gas mask. He sprays Scott off, who goes rocketing onto Courtney. He turns to Chris.
"Smell any better?"
"No, but good aim." He looks over to see Scott and Courtney on the ground together. Scott notices she's on top of him first, and speaks up.
"So, want to go someplace more quiet?" She continues to stare at him, in complete disgust. Then, she notices Chris smiling evilly at the two of them.
"You know, you only emphasized my point! Scott is a terrible character!"
"Then why'd you hook up with him?" Beth innocently asks. Courtney is about to explode with rage, but cannot even think of an answer. She just yells, and turns back to Chris.
"You can't seriously tell me you think these guys are interesting!" She gestures over to the Revenge of the Island contestants. Zoey mesmerized her Mike necklace, moving back and forth like a metronome. Jo is laughing at Brick's second bladder malfunction of the episode, which he is desperately trying to cover up. Dawn is talking to a random rat, which Scott steals from her and shoves down his throat. B has found a piece of copper sitting on the ground, and is working on turning it into a solid gold bar. Chris just shrugs his shoulders.
"What can I say? They're quirky. Audiences LOVE quirky. So deal with it, because they're your competitors this season." Courtney pouts and crosses her arm. Scott rests his hand on her shoulder.
"Relax, babe. This season's gonna be so much fun, the two of us being together. It'll be like All Stars all over again!" This is enough to make Courtney finally hurl. Chris shakes his head.
"Can't say that I blame her. I certainly would've done the same thing. All Stars sucked!" He then turns, and sees four mini buses have arrived. He smiles brightly.
"Looks like our final four competitors have arrived! This time from our latest season: Total Drama Pahkitew Island!" Bridgette speaks up.
"Now hold on a second." She pauses for a minute. "Why did we all arrive on one bus with each of our respective season veterans, while the contestants from this season all get a separate bus?" Chris smiles at her question.
"Relax, Bridgette. I needed to put these four in separate buses. Some of them have, well, a little beef between each other. We don't want them all showing up arguing, right?"
"What's that supposed to-"
"Pahkitew Island was definitely a more unique cast than its two preceding ones." Chris began, cutting off Bridgette. "We had a crazy, new island, which means we needed some crazy, new campers!"
"Let's cut the bullshit, McLean." Jo speaks up, interrupting his monologue. She then turns to Courtney. "You think our cast is bad? This one takes the cake. Let's go through the random list of losers, shall we? There was the beat box guy that made pointless sound effects, the wizard who was the biggest idiot on the show (and that's saying something, by the way!), the twins whose plot lasted like five episodes, the singing princess who was just there to get eliminated because of her gag, another version of you, a whiny germaphobe, an evil genius who tried to destroy the camp, some midget trying to be Dr Evil, the Amazon, whatever the hell Sugar was, another athletic female, and the zombie kid!" The jockette finishes. Chris stares at her.
"I don't see the problem. Sounds like a great group of children I would be happy to be acquainted with at any time."
"C'mon, dude. Let's be real," Trent speaks up. "Over half of those characters were revolving around one note gags. You know it's bad when the guy who is obsessed with zombies is one of the more normal ones!"
"I'm sorry, who are you again?" The musician just scowls. The host sighs. "Fine. Yes, it is true that perhaps the Pahkitew Island characters were not all that realistic. That's probably why only four are returning. However, they all did stand out. Everyone remembers the beatbox guy!"
"Then what was his name?" Chris just stares at Trent, annoyed. But he is interrupted when beatboxing comes from the interior of one of the buses. Beardo opens the door, creating an opening sound as he walks out. He then walks over, making scuffling sounds as he walks. Finally, he stops, and looks around awkwardly. He tries to get the courage to speak, but is interrupted by a sob.
"That was some beautiful beatboxing!" Harold begins to applaud rapidly, tears streaming down his eyes. Beardo gives him a smile.
"Thanks, man." Beardo joins the group. Chris sighs.
"That's right! Beardo is back! And good thing, too. One of the biggest mysteries I've always wondered is why Beardo was eliminated over Leonard. I mean, that guy blew the challenge! He should've gone home first!" Chris just scowls.
"Well, Chris, Don succeeded with that on his show. Leonard was rightfully eliminated first on The Ridonculous Race." Chris looks like he is about to explode at nameless intern #4 for what would probably be the hundredth time this episode. However, he calms down.
"Well, good for Don…then…" His eyelid is twitching ferociously now. Scott looks over nervously.
"Dude, are you okay? When my pappy made that face back on the farm, we had to defibrillate him with irons." Dawn takes a look at Chris' face.
"Wow, that is one, bright red aura." Chris finally contains himself.
"Anyway, that was Beardo. Next up: she was last season's runner-up, and our third female athlete of the cast. She enjoys gymnastics, belching, and leading on whiny little germaphobes for an entire season. Let's bring out Sky!" Sky is shoved out of the bus. She scowls at Chris.
"You know, a nicer entrance would've been better!" Chris shrugs.
"Eh, too much work. Besides, I think it accurately reflected your time on the show." The gymnast sighs.
"I didn't want to lead Dave on, but he didn't want to hear the but and-"
"Personally, Sky? I really don't care. You're just about as boring as that one over there." He gestures to Zoey, who is talking to a tree stump with glasses on it.
"Look, Cam! A monarch butterfly! You always talked about how much you loved those, right?" The glasses fall right off the tree stump. She cheers. "Hooray! Friendship finale!" Chris turns back to Sky.
"Case in point." Sky scowls.
"I never do anything like that!"
"True…but you do fall into the slot of 'boring season female protagonist'. It happened to Gwen, but not until she hit season five. It happened to Zoey the second her mouth opened. And you filled the spot perfectly last season." He pats her on the head. "But not to worry! You won't have to make new friends, because we brought back two of your friends from last season back on the show!" Sky perks up to this.
"Awesome! Jasmine and Shawn are awesome picks for this season!" Harold joins her in agreement.
"Indeed. Jasmine is the perfect woman, while Shawn is one of the most interesting males on the show, aside from myself, of course. Plus, they're a fantastic pair! I've written many fanfictions about them." Chris just laughs at their conversation.
"That's all great points there, Harold. But fortunately, I will never read your fanfictions, nor will Jasmine or Shawn be returning. They were both far too busy."
"I thought you burnt their contracts in your incinerator by accident, and cried yourself to sleep because of the endless entertainment they could have offered."
"Izzy, shut up! That never happened!" His voice cracks under the pressure. "Anyway, I suppose we might as well introduce our next contestant from last season. She's smart, confident, and almost blew up the entire island last season. It's Scarlett!" The entire cast gasps (sans Eva). The red haired genius stepped out of her bus, adjusting her glasses as she walked out. She notices the shocked look on her fellow competitors' faces. She turns to Chris.
"I assume they're still infuriated over my little outburst last season?"
"Little? You threatened the lives of five people! I don't know how if you can consider that little!" Jo exclaims. Sky nods her head.
"Chris! This is insane! You can't bring her back! She'll just blow up the studio!" Chris puts his hands up in defense.
"Whoa! First off, that is NOT how you welcome a fellow competitor!" He angrily reinforces. "Second, I made the precaution for Scarlett to go to a massive amount of therapy before the season started, just to make sure she was safe to return. Trust me, I don't want a rehash of last season as much as the rest of you. Hijacking the show may have been great for ratings that episode, but if things went wrong the season could have ended and we would've been cancelled. Oh, and third, we all notice you peed again, Brick. That stain is like twice as big now." Brick flushes in embarrassment. However, Scarlett nods, in agreement to Chris.
"It's true. I went through sixteen months of extensive neurocare in order to be eligible to integrate myself back into society. I wouldn't waste it on a reality show competition. I plan to win fair and square, or leave with my head held high." She reassures. Most of the cast seems to be okay with her. Sky remains a little wary.
"Okay…but I still don't trust you." Scarlett nods again.
"I understand your doubts. I will not try to convince you otherwise, I will just try to be nice and cooperative." Sky stares at her, not sure whether to be impressed or still mad. Chris chuckles.
"The drama is rising. But, it looks like it's time to introduce our final competitor." Chris announces. However, he is interrupted by a shrill whine.
"SKYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Everyone looks towards the final bus, where the noise has erupted. Sky's eyes widen, and she let's out a groan.
"Ugh, why?" She runs and hides behind B. A couple seconds later, Dave erupts from his bus. His hair has fully grown back, and he looks relatively normal. Well, except for the murderous look in his eyes. He begins to march up to Chris.
"Dave! Great to see-"
"WHERE. IS. SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" He repeats himself. The entire cast looks shell-shocked. Finally, one contestant speaks up.
"Look up. There's the sky, eh. It's gotta lot of birds in it." Ezekiel points upwards. Dave is heaving in rage.
"WHAT?"
"The sky. It's right there."
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I-"
"You seem a little stressed out, eh. Let me introduce me'self. My name's Ezekiel. It's very nice to meet you." Before Dave has any time to react, Ezekiel sticks his hand and shakes Dave's. He slowly retracts his hand, to see it is completely covered in snot. Dave then begins to freak out.
"GERMS! GERMS ALL OVER MY HAND! SOMEONE GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! HAND SANITIZER!" He begins running in circles, until Eva sticks her foot out. Dave falls, and lands on the ground, moaning. Chris then looks at Dave, moaning on the floor, and smiles.
"Well, there's our contestants! Harold, Beth, Izzy, Duncan, Courtney, Ezekiel, Eva, Bridgette…" He pauses for a second, thinking. The musician just sighs.
"Trent, man."
"Right. Trent, Tyler, Zoey, Jo, B, Brick, Dawn, Scott, Beardo, Sky, Scarlett, and Dave round out our twenty contestants for this season!" He hears a slow clap coming behind him.
"Wow, that was impressive. It only took you, like, twenty pages to introduce everyone. Congratulations. Didn't it take Don, like, five probably?" Chris pulls out his hair.
"While I'm busy dealing with nameless intern #4, maybe we should take a break.
Will nameless intern #4 make it past the commercial break?
Will Duncan and Beth's weird conflict be brought up again?
Can anyone remember who Trent is?
Will Zoey make some new friends?
Can Scott rekindle his love with Courtney to become the couple of the season?
What are Scarlett's true intentions?
Will Sky and Dave ever resolve their conflict?
And will Brick ever learn to control his bladder?
These questions, most likely not answered, after the break on Total Drama Callback!
NEXT TIME: The contestants begin their first individual challenge. Friendships will be made, rivalries formed, and a whole lot of drama!