push me towards the sun

she was always jealous of the sun. everyone knew it was there, even when it wasn't.

by la rose de versailles

It has been a couple of weeks since I started at the prestigious high school for the rich.

I no longer feel like an outsider, but feeling more like one of their own. There are times when I still feel a bit out of place. Especially when I am among the other girls. I feel like I don't belong with them. With the Host Club as well, I do not feel like I belong. They are all beautiful people. I always wanted to be beautiful when I was young. I always believed in the stories where the princess became beautiful and loved by everyone. But as I grew older, I realized that becoming lovely required money. And that would be troubling my parents. It was something that I could not ask of them.

I spoke very little with my friends, for I feared they might think of me to be stupid. But Haruhi continually reminded me that it was okay if I made mistakes. They would understand. It was nice; feeling like I could make a mistake and it would be alright. Today, I had learned the names of the others and their appeal to the ladies that they 'entertained'. The blonde boy with violet eyes was named Tamaki Suoh. He had such a wild imagination with eyes that could captivate anyone if they stared for long enough. He was childish and sometimes a little too immature, but that was part of what appealed to some. He was princely in every manner possible. The one with black hair and glasses was named Kyouya Ootori. He was very cold, manipulative, and calculating. But he was not all horrible. It was obvious that he cared greatly about his friends. The tall man with black hair was named Takeshi Morinotsuka. But everyone called him Mori. He was very stoic and spoke very little. He was very strong and brave and cared greatly for his cousin.

His cousin, the short one with honey brown eyes and blonde hair, was named Mitsukuni Haninotsuka. Everyone called him Honey though, so I wasn't about to disobey that unspoken law. He was very childish and easy to please. He loved cake and was generally very sweet to everyone. Then there were the two ginger haired twins. Their names were Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin. They were off-putting and perverted people. But they cared deeply for one another, expressing great concern when one of them were harmed in some way. But they were hopelessly immature too. Hikaru was the colder of the two and Kaoru was the kinder. I knew Haruhi to begin with. He was very kind and studious and had no real concern about what happened. Still, he cared deeply about his friends.

They were like a family, I realized. A happy family that was fully prepared to invite one more person into their worlds. I felt very lucky to have been that one person that was invited into their circle of friends, despite my inability to speak properly. So I visited the Host Club every day.

"Hello, Kyung-mi." I lifted my head up from the ground, stopping in my tracks. I almost ran into a pole. …that would have been embarrassing for sure. I glanced over at the speaker. Eying the Ootori casually, I nodded in acknowledgement. "Have you improved in your Japanese?" He quipped. Of course he'd ask. He always went straight to business. Not that I particularly minded. I didn't enjoy beating around the bush either. "Yes. I haf… gotten bitter." I said slowly, the Japanese heavy on my tongue.

"Better." He corrected me.

I nodded. "Bet… better." He nodded slowly then, walking with me towards the club room. "Is this all?" I asked, lowering my gaze back onto the Japanese characters spread across the pages. "I cannot walk with you without an ulterior motive?" I raised an eyebrow at that. I had gotten somewhat better at understanding the language, though there were times where I was just lost. "Yes." I chirped in response, grinning slightly.

He rolled his eyes, lifting his glasses up higher the bridge of his nose before continuing on what he wanted me to do.

He requested for me to leave Haruhi be for the day. The ladies were getting frustrated with me hogging all of Haruhi's attention because of how confused I could get with the homework. I agreed with great reluctance. I did not want to trouble Haruhi any more than I already had. And I did not want to get on the bad side of those girls. Surely they would be out for blood if I did as much as stay close enough to any of the host club members.

So for today, I sat at one of the empty tables in the far corner of the room. I loved sitting next to the windows though, even though they were far taller than I was. I tried to study, but the desire to daydream was greater than my want to even begin studying. I was always like that, I realized. But it was perhaps because I found the sky to be beautiful. I was always jealous of the sun the more I thought about it.

It shone so brilliantly, bringing sunlight to all the regions that it could reach. Everyone knew that it was there, even when it wasn't. People always knew that the sun was present. It would always be there until it burnt out its fiery glow. I always envied the sun. I was as invisible as a ghost, it felt like. People paid little mind to my presence and sometimes even dared to gossip about me to my face. It was alright though. I had grown accustomed to it, being like a living ghost. Though, the burning desire to become as bright as the sun itself.

That was, always has been, my one desire.

But I could not become the sun. And the sun could not become me. "Kyung-mi." I tore my gaze away from the azure sky and met the gaze of the twins. "What are you doing?" They chirped in unison, and I only shrugged in response. "The sky…" I murmured. "It is beautiful." They glanced at the sky for a moment before returning their gazes to me. "I don't see the appeal." One of them said. "It's nothing special." The other said.

"It is very important to me."

They stared at me, then at each other. "The sky isn't nearly as important to me as you are, Kaoru." Hikaru murmured, pulling his younger brother to his chest. Kaoru grew flustered before I turned and looked away from them both. I wasn't particularly interested in either of their antics. I returned my gaze to the sky, staring at it with great fondness. It was a beautiful sky that held so many promises. I loved it.