Chapter Two: ALMOST EVERYONE IS A BASTARD, EVEN THE CAT

Kotomine Kirei, the incredibly patient and kind-hearted priest, stood in front of his church.

"How odd; It's intact." He said with a look of dull surprise.

"Of course it's intact. I only said that the microwave exploded, not the church." Gilgamesh said in an offended tone. "Kirei, you are judging me too harshly. I may have deprived you of your house, your earnings, your orphans which you loved to torture, your daughter.."

"Wait, what the hell do you mean by my daughter?" Kirei demanded.

"… butthatdoesntmeanicanmakethesamemistakeagain, doesn't it?" Gilgamesh quickly ended his sentence. Kirei was still eye-balling the golden king suspiciously when a single cat jumped out from the church's window.

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Gilgames yelled, raining Noble Phantasm after Noble Phantasm on the cat. A few minutes later, the church was revealed to be completely destroyed.

Again.

A few seconds later, Gilgamesh fell down with twenty three black keys sticking out of his body and blood flowing freely from his nose.

Yet another few seconds later, the cat nonchalantly walked over Gilgamesh and wandered away for a little feline action.

(Ryuudou Temple)

"The moon is so beautiful tonight." Assassin said. It would be a slightly poetic sounding sentence.

Except that it was daytime. Caster's Master, Kuzuki Souichirou, had just left for work a few minutes ago.

Assassin fell in deep thought for a few seconds.

"The moon is so beautiful tonight." Assassin repeated but in a deeper voice.

A few crickets chirped in applause. Assassin closed his eyes and nodded with a smile as if he had just received praise from an audience.

"The moon is beautiful tonight." Assassin said once again.

"GODDAMIT, ASSASSIN! IF YOU KEEP REPEATING THAT SENTENCE, I AM GOING TO NUKE YOUR EXISTENCE WITH ENOUGH FIRE POWER THAT THE AVATAR WOULD BE FORCED TO INTERVENE!" Caster yelled from inside the temple.

Assassin smiled forlornly. He looked around, found nothing interesting to look at.

"Tonight, the moon is quite beautiful." Assassin said with a mischievous smile on his face.

"QUIT SASSING ME YOUNG MAN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" Caster hollered from inside.

"WELL THEN AT LEAST LET ME GO VISIT THE TOWN, YOU OLD BAG! RAINING FIRY DEATH WOULD ACTUALLY BE AN IMPROVEMENT AS COMPARED TO THIS DEATH BY BOREDOM!" Assassin yelled back.

A frog, already bored of this, hopped off in the eternal masculine search for female companionship.

(Matou Estate)

"And I am telling you Nagato, Justizia totally digs guys with beards." Zouken said, winking suggestively.

"Goddamit, you old fart! I am Shinji! You're grandson! Now let me out of your worm room!" Shinji said in a terrified voice.

"Ssh, not so loud! Sensei might hear us and you know how he gets when he hears us talk about women." Zouken said.

"Rider! Sakura! Help me! I would rather be castrated with a spork then hear another word!" Shinji yelled hysterically.

Rider, who was in another wing of the house, cocked her head.

"I think that's a good enough offer, Sakura. Hasn't he suffered enough?" She asked.

"Just a bit more. I want him to experience the LSD worms Grandpa made." Sakura said in a bored tone. She then turned to Shooter the Pegasus and fed him another carrot.

(Emiya Residence)

"So..." Rin said hesitantly. Archer rolled his eyes.

"What my Master is hesitant to say is that she wishes to propose an alliance. Said alliance is totally uninfluenced by the fact that she, my Master, has the hots for that idiot, Emiya Shirou." He said.

"Totally uninfluenced." Rin agreed. Then she realized what she had just said. "I hate you, Archer."

"I aim to please… myself that is." Archer said.

"What are you all talking about?" Emiya Shirou, the idiot who was dense enough to make black-holes look tame by comparison, said in a confused voice. Archer face-palmed, if only because he realized that once upon a time, he himself had been like this.

"Emiya Shirou, you are the densest thing known to man. No, I retract that statement. You are the densest object in the universe. You are so dense that reality itself warps around you and gives you an insane amount of luck in both life-and-death situations and chicks. And I hate you because I once had all of this as well but I never realized it until it was too late." Archer said spitefully, his rage suddenly boiling.

"Ooookay?" He said in a confused voice. "Would you like to stay for dinner?" He asked.

This time, both Rin and Archer smacked their face.

"He really is the densest object in the universe." Rin groaned.

"If I stabbed him with a diamond tipped spear right now, the tip would shatter." Archer agreed.

(Einzbern Forest)

Berserker roared in an animalistic manner.

Lancer shouted in a savage voice.

Then Berserker put the Black Knight on E-6.

"Blast, this is the sixth time you have beaten me today!" Lancer excaliamed. "You're good, Berserker!" Lancer praised his opponent.

"He isn't good, you idiot. You are so pathetic that even Berserker under the Enhancement of Madness can beat you." Ilya gritted her teeth.

"Little girl, stay out of the matters of men." Lancer said in a dismissive tone.

"Break him, Berserker." Ilya said casually.

A lot of tree trunks were broken that day.

(Fuyuki Church or what remained of it anyways)

Kirei sat on the decimated pews with a forlorn look on his face.

"Kirei, can I come back in?" Gilgamesh asked in a quavering voice. Without even bothering to look back, Kirei threw a Black Key and scored a hit on Gilgamesh's face.

He then sighed again.

"Excuse me?" Another voice, a girl's, came from outside. Kirei decided throwing another Black Key because he was an evil man but then there was a chance that the girl was here to submit a donation. So he coaxed his stubborn body to get up and answer.

"Yes?" Kirei said and then froze.

"Excuse me but is this the Fuyuki Church?" Rin asked.

Kirei stared at her for a few seconds.

"Is that a trick question?" He finally asked.

"Err, no. I am asking you whether this is the Fuyuki Church or not." Rin said a little uncertainly.

"Rin, you have been coming here for quite some time. Please don't tell me that you opened the Tohsaka snuff box again." Kirei said.

"Yeah that's it. I opened the snuff box!" Rin said.

"A pity because the snuff box was made by Tokiomi. It eats anyone who opens it. Which means you are lying." Kirei said.

"Damn. Okay, you got me. I am alternate version Rin here for some business and I would like you to cooperate with me." Rin said.

"Just a question. Do you know who am I?" Kirei asked.

"No." Rin said uncertainly.

Kirei stabbed her multiple times, robbed her blind then stuck her body in the trash can. A few minutes later, a garbage truck rolled up. The contents of all the trash can were emptied inside and then it drove away.

"Two hundred thousand yen doesn't seem to be such a bad start." Kirei mused.

(Homurahara School)

Kuzuki Souichirou was a retired assassin who made a living by teaching students. How he wished he could punch their heads off.

He had several colleagues but the most prominent among them was Fujimura Taiga. How he wished he could punch her head off.

Several of his female students were, for some absurd reason, infatuated with him. How he wished he could punch their heads off.

One student, however, was an exception. Ryuudou Issei was the class representative and a monk in training at the same temple where Kuzuki Souichirou was living. Kuzuki did not feel the urge to punch his head off.

Kuzuki was confused by this. Could this be…

…Love?

If it was, it was love of a most exquisite and forbidden kind. The definitely non-platonic love between a teacher and a student, one which must never be found out.

"Kuzuki-sensei," Fujimura Taiga said in a deadpan voice. "Please stop drooling on the desk."

Kuzuki snapped back to reality. He straightened his glasses.

How he wished he could punch her head off.