I had enough of this. All of the measurements and being forced to lay down in strange positions. I would never be able to look at measuring tape the same way again. I arrived back at the manor quickly, consumed by my need to do my duties as quickly as possible. The fastest way to do this would be,...to talk to Grell. I wasn't a huge fan of them. They were always so loud and consumed by Sebastian as they so called him. It was a huge nuisance. The best place to talk to them was maybe the study or maybe the library. But I wasn't very keen on having my study destroyed, and the library was too risky. There were to many rare books to take that chance. There was also my bedroom. It wasn't very likely that those three bumbling servants would enter either since only Sebastian was allowed that privilege.

The stairs up to the bedroom were such a pain though. Usually I had Sebastian to carry me so it wasn't such a problem but just in case I suppose I do need to work out more. It would be more beneficial if I were stronger anyways. The walk to my room was quiet. I slightly wondered where the other servants were, but that wasn't the most important right now. My thoughts turned in my head.

The best way to get Grell's attention. What would that be? Something with Sebastian would most likely get their attention although it wouldn't really work if they had heard. Though I don't see how they would, a demon probably wouldn't be very popular in the reaper world, but who knows. I slid open the balcony doors and took in a deep breath. I sincerely hoped the other servants wouldn't hear this. They would think I were going insane if I did.

"Sebastian!" I screamed to the outside world. I waited a few minutes, but no such luck. I guess I'd have to say more than just his name. That was probably obvious. I took a large breath in again. "Sebastian, if you don't come here right now, I'll order you to pose in whatever way Grell wants!" I stepped back and continued to wait. If that didn't get their attention, I wasn't sure what would.

My hair flew back and I turned to see the red-clad reaper sitting with crossed legs on my bed. They didn't really look like themselves though. Their eyes had dark bags underneath and they weren't as being as exuberant. They looked defeated as if the world had just collapsed on their shoulders and they didn't have enough strength to hold it. Their eyes were lifeless, they had lost all the passion that had made them light up before. It was strange. My breath was caught in my throat. I didn't know how to maneuver around this Grell. It was like a once king was dethroned, going from riches to the sewers in seconds.

Their voice caught me off guard. It cracked and just sounded broken. "So you don't know?" I felt my brow furrow. Even if Grell had heard about his...death, I don't think it should affect them this much.

"know about what?" That seemed like the safest option. Pretending to be ignorant and acting like the other person had all the power was the best way to get through life. It makes it easy to manipulate people that way.

Grell stood up and their body was shaking. Their hands were balled into fists with obvious rage. They turned toward me and started screaming. "You bastard! You sent him to do your damn job and you don't even know. SEBASTIAN IS DEAD. And it's all your fault. Why the hell aren't you the one dead. Bassy didn't deserve to die. He did everything for you, and you just let him die!" His voice lowered drastically in volume and took on a darker tone. "You didn't deserve him. You selfish brat."

I bit my lip. My eyes stung. I knew all of these things. I didn't deserve someone like him. He was too good for me, but this wasn't the time to be dwelling on such matters. I forced my eyes to clear and stared at Grell with as much courage as I could muster. "I am-" Grell cut me off.

"You're what? Spare me the nonsense. We all know you cared nothing about Sebastian. You're only goal is revenge. He was just a pawn to you, not even a person with feelings. Maybe demons try to keep their feelings under wraps, but they do have them. And you just treated him like trash."

I sighed. This might be harder than I thought. "Grell. My goals have changed. I'm going to kill the reaper that did this to Sebastian. I want your help to do that. Regardless of what you may think, I did care about him. Right now, the only thing on my mind is how to avenge his death. I don't care what you think of me. I just-." I felt my heart breaking. It still hurt to talk about even though these feelings had no place in me. "I just need to do whatever I can to fix this mess."

My breath was coming short now. My desperation was coming dangerously close to triggering an attack, and without Sebastian I didn't know how to fix it. I tried to remember anything he did at the time to calm me down, but I couldn't focus. My vision blurred and I collapsed from my own weight. My hands clutched at my throat. Oh god, I couldn't. I can't do this. I need him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Why? Why is he gone? My fault. oh god. It's my fault. I can't breathe. I'm the one who took him from the world. What right did I have to do that. Why am I so selfish?

Warm arms coated in red wrapped themselves around me. I was pulled into warmth. My body began to naturally relax into the one holding me. A hand ran comfortingly down my back, easing me. I felt the tears coming now, and this time I didn't have enough strength to stop them. I began sobbing into the one holding me. Their hold strengthened and it felt like...it felt like what my mother used to do whenever I would cry as a child. The sudden realization of this hit me. I, I missed this. Feeling safe and warm like nothing could touch me. Yes, with Sebastian nothing ever would physically touch me, but his sadism and happiness when I was in pain could never do this. This just felt like home, like the fire that had taken away my parents had never happened.

The person gently coaxed me back so we could look each other in the eye. Grell. I hadn't even realized. They were so warm this entire time. Tears were in their eyes too, but they weren't full out bawling like I was. "I'm sorry." They murmured. I sniffled a little and tried to get my feelings under control. I wasn't supposed to be feeling like this. I was supposed to be impassive to things like this. It wasn't right. "It's not your fault. You didn't get him killed. You don't deserve to die. It's okay."

"but I was there. I saw him die." I said. Grell's breath caught and I heard them gasp. But they didn't say anything.

"Ciel." This was the first time Grell had ever said my name. It was odd to hear it coming from him. "I can't help you with this, but I will do some research. There might be a way to bring him back." My eyes widened in surprise. A way to get him back. I could have him back and he wouldn't die this time. Grell released me from their hold and stood up, brushing of their coat. "You'll see me around eventually once I get more information. Try not to get any more attacks in the mean time k." He leapt out of the window, leaving me with some hope for the future. There was a way, and if there was a way, that meant I had to do it at any cost.

I felt the day's exhaustion catching up with me and I fell in my bed, ready to fall asleep. As my vision began to haze, I heard a voice. "The phoenix. It will rise once again and we'll have our vengeance. We'll control them all!" I didn't have time to think of what that meant as I fell into the deepest sleep I've had in ages.