I haven't just come here because of Finn.
You're eating dinner - vegan lasagna - when Rachel tells you she's mostly here because she really wanted to see you. You can't help the smile on your face when you say how glad you are that she's here.
She's decided to take a whole month off, or maybe two. Maybe three. You thought her coping strategy would be to bury herself in work, but the Rachel you once knew has changed. She's more laid back now, calm, mature. She doesn't ramble the way she used to, and breathes now instead. In your head it was her high school sweetheart holding her back from that kind of progress. Now it's almost as if she's physically grown.
She's gotten rid of a burden the size of a football player.
Her plan for the next couple of weeks is to treat herself, to kick back, drink a lot of tea and spend time with someone she meant to visit for ages – that's you, of course. She wants time to recover.
You offer her to take her time to find an apartment of her own. You don't want her to rent a place she doesn't really like just because she doesn't have anywhere to go.
I meant what I said, you assure her. You can stay as long as you want.
She gives you a small nod and a shy smile.
I'm really happy we're still friends, Quinn. I missed you.
.
So Rachel's moved in with you, huh?
You missed Santana's teasing smirk. It's one of her most genuine expressions. One she reserves for close friends.
She gestures for you to give her a hug and you smirk back before leaning in. When you still lived in New Haven the two of you used to make time to meet up. Moving to New York and living closer to each other made that seem redundant, so now you see each other only very occasionally, on coffee dates like this one.
Nope, not done yet, she insists and hugs you tighter as soon as you loosen your grip. You chuckle quietly and place your chin back on her shoulder.
Of course you keep in touch via phone. You can't imagine life without her. And as much as she pretends to be a distant bitch, she also loves you very much.
She's already gotten her latte and you order one as well. She takes a sip and raises one eyebrow.
Give me all the details, she demands. My life's boring. I need some gossip.
You purse your lips and comment that there's not much to tell. Rachel's not living with me, you correct Santana, she's just staying with me until she's found an apartment of her own. It's good to have her back in my life, though.
You tell her what there is to know, about the reason why Rachel decided to take a break from work and seek you out. When you're finished Santana lets out a short whistle and nods tersely.
You know that I've never been a big fan of the dork, she says and you're almost taken aback by how lovingly that nickname sounds, but no one deserves that kind of treatment.
She takes another sip from her coffee and mumbles a few insults about Finn into her cup, then shakes her head.
I wonder why everyone is such an idiot in high school. She rolls her eyes and the disbelief about her own actions is palpable. I can't believe I ever thought I should forgive that douche bag. He's been a bigger bully than me and that really says something.
The next few sentences are Spanish.
You lower your gaze and grin towards the table. You really missed hanging out with your bestie. Santana's still the spitfire she was in school and she's not afraid to speak her mind, especially when her opinion's unpopular. Truth hurts, she likes to say. It's undeniable, though, that even Santana has grown up.
Her father wanted her to follow into his footsteps and become a doctor, but the future she had in mind didn't involve working with her hands. You remember very vividly the conversation you two had when it was time to pick a college.
Can you seriously picture me performing a surgery? With all the blood?
Her hands were up in the air and the expression on her face told you better not to interrupt.
Do I look like I care about anyone's weird rashes and sore throats? I'm a bitch and proudly so.
So, what are you going to do then? you asked, and you'll always remember the smile on her face that day. It was the HBIC smile, the one she used to have when you two came up with an evil plan to torture freshmen or manipulate boys. The moment you saw the determined glint in her eyes you knew whatever she was thinking, she'd go through with it and it would be awesome.
I'm going to do what I do best, she stated. I'll use my outstanding ability to tear other people down and make a whole lot of money out of it.
I'm going to be a lawyer.
Looking at her now there's no doubt in your mind she's made the right decision. Her back is straight and she holds her chin high. Her black pantsuit and matching heels make her look as fierce as ever. She wears her hair down - the perfect soft touch to her otherwise tight outfit. It's just enough to make her clients believe she's still human.
You've never seen her more self-confident. You're in awe.
He's still the popular jock, Santana grumbles. Nothing more. After all this time he hasn't learned a thing and it's just because everybody has always been so very understanding. You have heard of the concept of specific deterrence, right? (You haven't.) I'm so glad I broke contact with him during college.
She stops herself with a foolish grin when she sees you smiling widely at her.
It's true, though, she finishes her monologue and squares her shoulders. He made me feel small despite everything I achieved. No one should feel that way.
It's your turn to nod in agreement. Finn definitely does that to the people around him.
Just make sure he doesn't show up on your doorstep, or you'll have their relationship drama in your apartment, too.
Your eyes widen, because you hadn't really thought about that before.
Santana sees your expression and adds that she doubts he's actually going to do that, but you decide to ask Rachel to talk to him anyway.
How's that for you? The whole situation? Santana asks.
It's amazing, you answer honestly, and feel a blush creep up your cheeks. I really missed having her in my life.
Santana looks at you for a second or two and she's just so herself. She's the only one who ever truly asks how you are and yet, she's still Snix as well.
Yea yea, but that's not what I was asking.
You know what she's talking about, of course, but that's a road you don't want to go down right now.
Look, you offer, I know it seems almost impossible after I spent my high school years going crazy over her, but you know what I've been through. You know how much has changed. I mean, you've been there with me. For now I just enjoy having her around, despite the circumstances.
Her features soften immediately. Of course, she agrees. I understand that. And I'm happy for you, even though that's completely boring. You know how much I could have used the second hand kick.
Her tone changes from snarky to soft and you bite your lip. Ever since she and Brittany broke up she's trying a little too hard to find a replacement. And even though Santana knows it doesn't work that way she can't help but continue.
You don't blame her.
Brittany was meant to be her girlfriend forever – her one and only true love. Turns out the miles between New York and Lima could separate them after all.
Brittany moved on, opened a dance studio with Mike somewhere in LA. Santana and she still call each other from time to time, simply because they've known each other forever. You talk to Brittany, too, sometimes. It's a little awkward, though, because of how close you and Santana are. It's silly, but it always feels like cheating. You were supposed to be the Unholy Trinity. And now you're Santana and Quinn or Brittany and Quinn instead.
It's not like Santana's sleeping around. That part of her vanished the moment she came out in high school. But now that she knows what love feels like, she craves that feeling and keeps searching for it everywhere. Unfortunately the blondes that cross her way now always lack of the kindness she needs in a relationship.
She's never quite managed to start over the way you wish she could.
First loves are a bitch, she declares before scraping a spoonful of foam from her cup. It's like we're destined to hurt.
We're also destined to get better, you state with a quirk in your eyebrow.
Santana's dimples indicate she's accepted the challenge.
You mean, because we can learn to love again, move on, find someone new? she muses sarcastically.
Or because we're not meant to be part of a whole?
Tell me, Quinn, are we supposed to hurt and get better, because all the love we should feel is the love for ourselves? Is that because relationships come and go, but we – as individuals – are whole the way we are?
She sets her cup aside and crosses her arms.
Yea, I've read those books. But I'm not a phoenix, you know. I can't rise from the ashes and I don't believe in the circle of destruction and reconstruction. The damage is done, and you can't take it back. You can only try to build something on top of it.
You're both quiet for a while. You think back to the summer before senior year, that time when you dyed your hair pink and made the awful decision to get a Ryan Seacrest tattoo. You think back to that skater you dated and how she was a good and a bad experience at the same time. You think of how you tried to move on without looking back – how that always brought you right back to where you started. Everything that happened lives and vibrates deep within you and every attempt to shake it off just got you deeper into trouble. It fills you with warmth – little hot sparks of memory, full of love and pain and resolution.
You think of how you tried to convince Rachel to let go of her relationship with Finn – how you told her to let go of her past and embrace the future. That never worked. Maybe Rachel knew it wouldn't work that way. Maybe that's why she didn't – couldn't - listen to you.
You think of Beth and your own scars start to itch. You and Santana both have been burned to the ground several times. Whenever you tried not to be consumed by the flames the fire grew hotter until there was nothing left to do but to surrender. Some things you just can't outrun. Maybe Rachel had to surrender to her very own fire, too, before finding the strength to break out and move on.
We've both been heartbroken, you say as you take Santana's hand. But we've been through worse and we survived. Do you really think of us as ashes?
Hell no, we're the top bitches of this city, she laughs. But, you know…
Yea, you do know. And you know it's time to change the subject.
Can I ask you, though, if you don't believe damage can ever be undone, then what's the appeal of seeking justice? What can you ever offer your clients?
Santana snorts into her cup and openly laughs at you as if that was the most ridiculous question she's ever been asked.
I don't believe in justice, she finally manages.
That makes you laugh loudly.
Says the lawyer?
Like I said, Santana explains, the damage is done. My clients won't ever get back what they lost. I even doubt that what they get is an adequate compensation. It's more of a gesture.
It's money, you correct her.
Yes, it is money, she agrees firmly.
You think back to what you used to call home. Once upon a time, you nod, I would've argued that money can compensate for anything, even a lack of justice. But like you said, it seems inadequate. What do you think your clients are searching for then? If it's not justice, I mean. Do they take the money and move on? Will that make them happy?
Happiness is such an overrated concept, Santana says with a half-smile and a shrug.
So what's the point in winning those cases then?, you ask.
She grins at you. Closure? Revenge? Money? Never underestimate a person's vanity.
You quirk your eyebrow and chuckle.
Me? Never.
.
Tell the dork I said 'hi'. And tell her something encouraging, but not too encouraging. Tell her that first loves are just that – a first. There'll be many more opportunities to be stuck in dead-end relationships in her future.
You think of Brittany and Artie and Tina. You think of The Brother's Lionheart, which you read at age four. You think of your first day at school and you think of Finn and Puck and that dress you wore at Frannie's graduation. You think of the first time you tasted alcohol, the kiss you shared with Santana that night; you think of your first party and the first step you took after your accident. You think of the sun and the moon and the tides; a flower losing all its petals and milk turning sour. There's a stale taste on your tongue.
Make it sound like something I could have said.
Santana kisses your cheek when you part.
We'll have to do this again. And soon.
You tell Rachel that Santana would like to catch up sometime.
.
So… are you seeing someone? Rachel asks you later at dinner. You look at her, pondering what to say besides the obvious no, and she grins. What? Don't you want to tell me? She's just teasing.
The truth is, of course, you're looking, although you have to admit that after your last break up you're not so dedicated to the search anymore. It's not that you don't want a relationship, it's more that you've had a bunch of those already and they never worked out, partly, but not exclusively, because of Rachel. You haven't spent your time pining over her; you've just been dealing with your issues.
You could tell yourself how much you've grown, how you've moved on. And all that is true. It just seems it was a little truer when she wasn't around. As long as you never had a chance to explore that tiny 'what if' you carried around with you, it was easy to simply live your life.
But here she is, living in your apartment, single, sleeping in your bed, sitting across the table and suddenly this tiny crack you've always left open for her, lingering way deep in the back of your head, has now opened just a little wider. You know it's not an option - that she's into guys, that she's just out of a relationship. In your mind you know all that. But when you look at her and see her smirk you find yourself smirking right back.
I'm single, you answer truthfully.
You don't even know why you're blushing. Maybe because most people react with pity?Or a promise that you'll find someone? Because being single is something to be ashamed of? Maybe it's because now she knows.
Me, too, she shrugs and you both laugh.