Ch 2
While Carlisle told me what he thought needed to be done (even if it only took minutes) I couldn't help but to let me mind wander. He was right, this wasn't easy, even if I was decided, there was no swaying me, I didn't want to do it. "Edward, Son, you don't have to do this." I could feel his eyes burning into mine, though I wasn't actually looking at him. But when he said that, it was unexplainable. "Carlisle! Stop! Can't you all just stop it! I have to do this! I have to protect her!" I practically yelled at him and was abruptly shocked by my own actions. "Calm down!" He tried to convince me, like he does his patients, that everything was fine. He wasn't yelling, like a psychologist, he was keeping calm and cool about what was my own self destruction. "Carlisle! I'm not one of your fragile patients! Don't treat me like I don't know what I'm doing! I've been alive more than a decade! I know how to handle myself!" Still yelling he analyzed. "Deep breath" He tried. "NO! I won't! Guess what ,Dad, I don't need to breath! It doesn't help! I'm a monster!" I brought my voice down a little so he would stop trying to find ways he could use psychological training to "help" me. Better he decided. "Edward, you aren't a monster." "Yes, yes I am. If I'm not, explain why I want to kill her every time I-I" I was crumbling like sandstone weathered away by the elements.
Gather the pieces or you won't be able to do this. Gather the pieces or you're nothing something inside my head kept chanting. "What?" he asked. Trying to help me still. "I love her, Carlisle, and I can't be trusted near her. I can't hold her hand because I feel her pulse, which makes it worse. It hurts to do that, let alone kiss her. And she thinks that I can't hurt her. She wants to stay with me forever and so do I but I can't risk her and I can't damn her to this." I whimpered. As much as Carlisle felt bad for me, he felt triumphant, he had cracked it. "I think you should do it. Your judgment is often correct." He told me. "How could you say that? I'm not infallible." I contradicted. What was I doing? Somehow I think he knew that in the end, I would never be able to stay away. He patted my shoulder heartily, bringing back a déjà vu of sorts of sitting at the kitchen table in my parent's house those hundred years ago. As we sat at the home mended rickety kitchen table in our shabby 20th century home, I told my parents that someday, I wanted to join the army. My father had grunted "good man" and patted my shoulder, just as Carlisle had, while my mother wiped the counter worriedly.
"I'll go find them. If we are to be out in less than a week I suppose, we better get to work." "Carlisle?" I said. "Yes?" "Sorry. I just-""I understand" he said. And that was it. I sat at the kitchen table and thought about a plan while Carlisle ran to find the rest. I decided that they would leave all at once and first starting tomorrow. They didn't need to be gone tomorrow, to be truthful; I didn't want them gone tomorrow. I needed the little support they could give me. Then, two days from now, actually tomorrow since it was almost four in the morning, I would say goodbye to Bella, alone. I wanted the house to myself the final day, in case something happened. Not to her, to me. I wouldn't let my family see me like that.
"Ed?" Emmett asked, strutting in soaked, his muddy boots squelching on Esme's clean hardwood floor. He pulled them off and put them in the laundry room. "Where's?" I said weakly. "Farther behind. I passed Carlisle heading back. I wanted to talk to you." "Why? I'm a miserable pain." I said. "Shut up. I wasn't the most supportive from the start, I know, so it's not my job to care. But, you're my brother and my best friend. I get that it's impossible to convince you to stay. It's just; she's a big part of our family and your life. She is like my little sister now and I wanted to tell you to be a gentleman ,as Esme would say, about this. She's stubborn enough to really hurt herself. Purposely, I mean. I know you understand that, even if you won't admit it to yourself. You would too. I know this is a Carlisle and Alice question, but do you really love her?" he asked. "Emmett, why are you doing this?" "Just answer it." He growled. "Yes, Emmett." "Alright."