Broken Pieces

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September, 2000

Emily paid no heed to the persistent rain as she walked towards the diner where the cops of the precinct usually gathered to eat. She passed a group of teenagers who gathered under a recess of a building and she could hear their merry banter as they shared a cigarette. They couldn't be anywhere near to the legal age to smoke, Emily noted as she crossed the road. "When did she get that old?" she wondered bitterly. It wasn't that long ago that she had done the same, mostly alone though.

It had been a while since she thought about that part of her life and yet, recently it seemed that it was coming back to her more and more frequently. Thinking about the things she had given up years ago only made her feel guilty, though. Things just couldn't be undone. And she was all right with it. She didn't regret any decisions she had made. In the last years she had built a life; she had built a family… and she had been happy in that life. She wanted that life back.

But things couldn't be undone…

She had spent the last months stuck in time. Since the disappearance of her little girl, every day was the same: the same stabbing pain in her heart, the same torturing guilt and the unbearable hopelessness. She wanted to give in to them; she wanted to give in to the darkness that was calling her day after day... she wanted to stop going on and let the pain consume her. It would have been easy… to give up everything... but it wouldn't be her. She was a fighter and she knew that she should fight. But there was only one way to do that…

The diner was almost empty when Emily pushed its door open and entered. She spotted Derek by a table in the back and made her way towards him, shedding her soaked jacket on the way.

"Hey," she greeted him with an awkward smile and settled down into the chair facing him.

"Hey," the smile she got in return was warm, though tentative. Lately it had been hard to decide how to approach the other. Derek felt Emily slipping away from him and he was determined not to allow that to happen. However, it was difficult to keep up the old ways when the woman you lived with was not the same woman you had spent the last eight years of your life.

"I talked with Detective Petersen today," he told her carefully. Lately the mere mention of the name of the lead detective on their daughter's case made Emily snap. He wished he would know what was on her mind. "She told me not to…"

"Don't," Emily warned him, her expression hardening reflexively. Just as quickly though she lost the will to fight and her expression softened into a pleading look. "Please, just don't." She was so tired.

"And what exactly do you mean by 'don't?" Derek snapped, disregarding the urge to go over to her and take her into his arms when he saw her recoil, and instead he concentrated on his frustration towards her. When had she become that uninterested in their daughter's case? "Don't follow the investigation?" he asked. "Don't make sure that Cecily's case won't get forgotten? Don't do what, Emily?" There was no answer to his questions and seeing the tortured look on her face as she stared at a spot on the table, made Derek regret his outburst.

"I want to bury her."

Although her voice was low, it was steady and Derek heard it loud and clear. He couldn't believe it, though.

"For God's sake, Emily, she's not dead." Derek looked at her as if she'd been a stranger.

"Don't tell me that," she returned the look with anger and determination in her eyes, once again finding strength in her. "It's been a year, Derek. The chances that she's still out there are practically nonexistent and you know that."

"No, no, no…"

"Derek, please…"

"You can't have a funeral without a body," he protested. "You can't honestly believe her dead until she's found. Emily, for all we know, tomorrow there will be a break in the case, maybe…"

"Derek," Emily reached over the table to squeeze his hand. For a moment they froze, the contact surprising them both but then Emily raised pleading eyes at him. "I've lived this last year waiting for a tomorrow that never came."

"And we'll continue so until Ceci is home once again. We will find her, Emily." He couldn't accept any other option.

She shook her head sadly. They both knew that it was only a question of days and the official report would come out that Cecily Morgan was presumed dead. It would have been done a lot sooner if it hadn't been for Derek. No matter how many times Detective Petersen promised to continue the investigation, official report or not; no matter how hard Derek was denying the truth, Emily knew that she couldn't go on waiting for a miracle that would never happen.

"I want to have a service, Derek. I want to say goodbye to my daughter and I want my family to say goodbye to her, then let Ceci rest in peace."

"How could she rest in peace when she is out there?" Emily knew that not knowing what had happened to their daughter was killing Derek. It was killing her, too. That was why she needed to say goodbye to her. If only Derek could understand that.

"Then let her memory rest."

"You can't just have a service then go and forget about it all." Stunned silence followed Derek's outburst which was only broken by the scratch of Emily's chair as she stood up and, grabbing her jacket, silently left the diner.

"Damn," Derek muttered then stood and followed Emily. It was dark outside and the rain kept pouring down. She spotted Emily walking down the street and he ran after her. "Emily! Stop, please. Emily!" He caught up with her and stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. He recoiled though when he saw the expression she wore. He knew that the hurt she'd been carrying in the last months was eating away her soul but he had never seen it so clearly than now. It seemed that she'd nothing left but anger and that was what made her dull eyes shine once again. Derek shivered.

However hard he had tried to convince himself that things could go back as they were, at that moment he could clearly see that nothing would ever be as it used to be. Emily was ready to give up. And she was asking him to do the same. But how could he? How could he give up the hope that one day he would hold his baby girl in his arms again?

"I will never forget her," she told him in a leveled tone. The rain was falling so heavily that it was impossible to tell but he knew that she was crying.

"I know," he whispered. "But you can't just give up. We have to hope that we'll find her. I have to hope because if I don't, I don't now what to do." His tone was desperate and full of pain. He had never let Emily see that side of him. It was difficult enough for her not to break without him burdening her with his own hurt and fears. But now he hoped that it would help make her see just how much he needed to believe. And how much he needed her to believe, too.

Something shifted in her eyes as they lost their spark once again. In the pouring rain, soaked to the bones, she looked so small… so defeated.

"I can't," she breathed, clearly torn. "I… I have to…" Derek kept his eyes locked with hers waiting for her to find words for something that simply couldn't be put into words. He watched as she lost the battle. "Maybe it would be for the best if I go," she stated finally then with a last lingering look she turned and walked away.

He let her go because he wanted to give her time. He didn't want to push her but wanted her to see it on her own that the only way to get through this was to do it together. They had to fight to get their daughter back.

When he got home after his shift that day, he realized that Emily had never been home...

TBC

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