"What is that?" Lee demanded, looking up from his laptop as his roommate came into the apartment, brandishing a large brown paper bag.
"Scratching post."
"No."
"Oh, come on, can't we just get one?"
"We're not getting a cat just because you're in the middle of a dry spell."
"It's not because of that."
"Is it because Penny bought a guy home?"
"Hey, I didn't like the look of him."
"Just because he was taller than you-"
"Not just that, she only broke up with Kurt five weeks ago, and she told me herself she's not ready to date, yet."
"Who says she's dating him?"
"They were making out against her door."
"So what? I make out with chicks against their apartment doors all the time and I'm not dating anyone."
"You are also a man-whore."
"Thank-you."
"That's not a compliment, Lee."
"Ah, but I always take it as one. Especially coming from you or Howard."
Leonard sat down on the other end of the couch, tucking the paper bag from Pet Palace underneath the coffee table.
"Can we make a deal?" he asked his roommate before he could get too immersed in the football statistics again.
"What kind of deal?"
"I know we've got the whole agreement about not dating certain people…"
"Yeah, people we work with and people we live within shouting distance of."
"Can I get an exception?"
"Not for Penny."
"No, not for Penny."
"Well then, who?"
"The only reason I haven't been looking for a girlfriend at the university is because of our agreement, but Leslie wore a skirt into the lab the other day."
"Is she shaving her legs again?"
"Why is that relevant?"
"Because it's October, and if my sister's knowledge serves me well, which it always does when it comes to women, if she's shaving her legs at this time of year, she's looking to get some." Lee told him, before turning his attention back to the laptop screen.
Leonard considered this.
"You wouldn't object to me asking Leslie out?"
"Nope. Just give me some notice about when she's going to be here, we haven't been able to stay in the same room without shouting since that time I kissed her in the cafeteria and told her she had good child-bearing hips."
"How was she supposed to take that as anything but an insult?"
"Hey, other women take it as a compliment."
"Women in the humanities department, maybe. Not physicists."
"Whatever. Just give me a heads up if she's going to be here."
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"You're asking me out?" Leslie looked up from her Cup-O-Noodles as Leonard suggested he take her to dinner.
"Well, yeah. We're already friends, why not?"
"I thought you and the jock had an agreement about not dating women you work with?"
"We do, but he agreed to an exception."
"Huh."
"So? What do you think?"
"I don't know, Leonard. I mean, we have lunch together all the time. Why don't we just try kissing, without all the extra social protocols?"
"We could do that, sure. Now?"
"Why not?"
"Oh, okay. Give me a second." He pulled his gum out of his mouth and tossed it into the trash can, before stepping over to his co-worker. He took a deep breath… he hadn't been this nervous last time he'd kissed anyone, surely? And pressed his mouth to hers.
Dammit.
"Anything?" he asked, drawing back from her.
"Good technique, I'll admit, but I don't think we've got much chemistry. Sorry Leonard."
"Oh, well. Maybe next time."
"Thanks anyway, and if its' any consolation, I can see why there's warnings about you on the ladies' room wall."
Leonard grinned at her before biting his lip.
Back to the drawing board.
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"No, Leonard. You're not asking Penny out."
"Come on, she'll never say yes."
"Don't care. No."
"Can I at least ask her who the guy was?"
"It was probably just a rebound."
"Come on, Lee."
"Dammit, Leonard. No."
"Fine, can I just ask her out for dinner as a friend?"
"Only if you make it crystal clear that it's just as friends. I don't want to have to move because you two can't stand to see each other on the stairs."
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"Hey, Penny, when are you working this week?" Leonard asked Penny, greeting her at the mailbox.
"Well, tomorrow is my last shift at the Olive Garden, I start at the Cheesecake Factory on Tuesday."
"So you're free Monday?"
"Yeah, I am."
"Well, I thought we could go for dinner somewhere? Lee's working, Howard always has dinner with his Mom on Mondays and Raj just got himself a new grad- girlfriend, so we won't be seeing much of him this week."
"Oh, that would be excellent. I still haven't tried the Soup Plantation around the corner, and it would be nice to go with someone else rather than getting my usual take-out for one."
"Sure thing. Meet you there at seven?"
"Great."
They walked up the stairs together and when they got to the fourth floor, Penny seemed to remember something.
"Oh, are you guys free tomorrow? Around two?"
"Well, it'll be Saturday, so I'm not at work, and Sheldon doesn't have to be at work until five. What's going on?"
"I'm finally getting a new couch and TV unit delivered, but I couldn't turn down my last shift at the Olive Garden."
"Yeah, we'll be here."
"Well, here's my spare key, okay?"
"Okay."
The next afternoon, Leonard and Lee were in the lobby, having signed for the delivery of a small green couch and a large IKEA box containing a flat-packed TV unit.
They were arguing over who got to go backwards up the stairs and who got to carry the 'heavy end' of each item.
"Fine, fine. You get the heavy end of the couch and I get the heavy end of the TV unit." Leonard finally conceded.
"Fair is fair." Lee picked up the couch and waited for Leonard to get the other end and start walking backwards up the stairs.
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"You guys assembled my TV unit?" For some reason, Penny didn't sound overjoyed.
"Well, yeah. We figured since we dragged it up four flights of stairs we might as well be able to get rid of the trash."
"Oh, well. Thanks."
"Did we cross a line?" Lee asked, thinking about how he'd organized her DVD collection.
"No, just, I prefer my DVDs organized by director, not title."
"Good to know."
"Well, thanks. Now all I have to do is get a TV that will fit into it."
"Speaking of that… I may have a solution." Lee put in. Leonard looked over at his lanky roommate and narrowed his eyes. What was Lee up to?
"A solution?"
"Well, I've got a 37-inch flat-screen in my bedroom, but I never use it. You can have that, if you like."
"Oh, Lee, I don't know, you already got me the job, and you helped with my car… plus I'm using your wi-fi."
"I insist. At least until your income is steady enough that you can replace it, okay?"
Leonard looked at Lee, incredulous. It wasn't in Cooper's nature to be so gregarious, but Penny didn't seem to be aware of that. In fact, the Lee Cooper that Penny knew was apparently a generous, helping kind of guy.
"Lee, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure, Leonard. What's up?"
"In the hall?"
"Not a problem." Lee followed his shorter roommate into the hallway and closed Penny's apartment door behind him, noting with some amusement that she hadn't actually made a move to start rearranging her DVD collection.
"What are you doing?" Leonard demanded of Lee the moment the door was closed.
"Loaning Penny my TV. Like I said, I never use it."
"You also refused to let me move it into my bedroom when I had the flu."
"So?"
"So? You and I have an agreement, Sheldon! We don't date anyone in the building!"
Lee winced at the use of his first name, but held his ground.
"I'm not trying to date her, Leonard, I'm just trying to be a good neighbor."
"Yeah, well, don't try so hard, okay?"
"Or what?"
"Or I'll tell her about Soft Kitty."
Lee's eyes narrowed.
"You wouldn't dare."
"Oh, yes I would."
Lee stared at his roommate for a few more seconds before he finally broke.
"Fine, I'll back off. But I already offered the TV, I'm not reneging on a promise."
"Whatever, just try not to fall into bed with her while you're setting it up."