Disclaimer: I do not own, nor want to own, any rights to "2012". I also do not own The Wizard of Oz, any quips shamelessly stolen from iheartmwpp, "Strange Things" by Tom Jones, Aaängry Megaphone Man by The Dissociatives, or When the Generals talk by Midnight Oil.
Meanwhile, Riot Police attempt to keep a crowd containing EPIC MOHAWK MAN at bay. Suddenly, the year is 2010 and we're not in Washington any more. Lots of SELF-IMPORTANT MEN wearing BLACK SUITS are walking in a corridor. The US PRESIDENT steps up to the pulpit.
Danny Glover A.K.A. THE PRESIDENT: 'Sup, yo. This party is now VIP only.
INTERPRETER: But what if my cashed-up friend here doesn't understand?
THE PRESIDENT: GTFO.
INTERPRETER and plenty of other people wearing BLACK SUITS up and leave.
THE PRESIDENT, NOT JUST ANY PRESIDENT: There are strange things happenin', everyday... Keep this here ditty on the down-low, but my smart peeps have proven the world's going to end.
RANDOM HEAD OF STATE: ...Is Celine Dion releasing another album?
A harsh sound, not unlike a Celine Dion song, scares the crap out of anyone who has nodded off. For anyone else actually watching, it piledrives the ominous message preceeding it into your cranium. While those with sensitive hearing recover from shock, we're now in Tibet. Just in case there was the slightest chance of you forgetting, the year is still 2010.
AAÄNGRY MEGAPHONE MAN: The whale it would reign/Like a king on a storm cloud...
CROWD: ...What?
A bunch of OLD PEOPLE and a RANDOM MONK are carted away on a truck with no explanation. A guy who looks like Anh Do seems concerned about the RANDOM MONK.
ANH DO LOOKALIKE: You said "brother", were you even talking to me? Am I referring to you as "grandmother"? I need to stare at you and neglect the direction I'm running in!
GUARDS: *slide in from stage left* Haaaaaaaai. Did you want to run in front of the truck and potentially get run over? Too bad, what we've got in store for you is so much better...
The POOR YET WELL DRESSED VILLAGERS gather around a podium, where a GENERAL enquires as to their capabilities.
GENERAL'S HENCHMAN: When the Generals talk/You'd better listen to him/When the Generals talk/You'd better do what he say...
GENERAL MUNCHKIN: Who wants to tie my shoes?
Nobody responds.
GENERAL MUNCHKIN: Who has an iron press?
A few hands raise.
GENERAL MUNCHKIN: ...Show me your hat?
ANH DO LOOKALIKE lifts his hat.
GENERAL MUNCHKIN: *points* This guy. He serves no additional purpose in this story, plus his hat sucks. He needs to die.
Suddenly, sirens sound and several explosive devices, as they are wont to do, explode on the mountain right in front of the crowd.
CROWD: It's so convenient how well this shot was framed! We were looking right at it and everything!
The explosion's purpose is never explained, and we never learn of the fate of this crowd. They are never shown again in this film. Let's just assume they DIE.
Suddenly, we're looking at a BRIEFCASE, in a hotel in LONDON. FYI, it's like totally 2011 now, lol.
BRIEFCASE MAN: Gee, metal detectors sure look like pistol silencers these days!
A RANDOM ARAB is reading what looks suspiciously like an iPad.
RANDOM ARAB: I say, old chap, I speak fluent English, yet the document on this unsecure tablet computer is in Arabic! You must understand, despite how rich I look, I'm really dirt poor. I can't afford 1 billion Dollars.
BRIEFCASE MAN: LOL! Can has misunderstanding? It's Euros, you dolt.
The RANDOM ARAB has his smug smile wiped clean off his face. Meanwhile, in the Louvre in PARIS, perfect replicas of priceless artworks are being put up under cover of darkness.
Thandie Newton A.K.A. LAURA WILSON: Ooh, I speak French. Naughty. Anyway, nobody will be able to tell the difference between this fake and the real Mona Lisa as the landscape around them contorts violently, eventually killing them!
Patrick Bauchau A.K.A ROLAND PICARD: I wonder if my name is perhaps a concatenation of the director's first name and his favourite Star Trek captain? No matter. The original should be safe in my vault. Err, that is, to say, that it should be safe in a bunker in Switzerland.
LAURA: Given what's going to happen to Earth, are you completely stupid? Wait, that's not my line. I mean, "Perfectly safe, Roland".
We zoom in on Lisa del Giocondo (A.K.A. Mona Lisa)'s smile, as the music swells and the 2012 logo appears. We could never have figured out what movie we were watching, could we guys?
A/N: Sorry for the late update. I hadn't finished in time, plus I went on a weekend getaway with the family. Finished this as soon as I got back, which was about an hour ago.
Remember, you don't have to review, but not doing so when you easily could will cause God, or whatever deity you believe in, to downgrade your computer to Windows ME, or if you're on a Mac, it will spontaneously explode. Just so you know. Anonymous reviews are welcome.