Liz

She woke up on her couch to an empty house. Jason was gone. Had she dreamed him? Had it been real? Was the pain so deep and overwhelming that the only way she could cope was to hallucinate that Jason had come to help her through?

She sat up and looked around. There was no sign that he had been there. All that remained in the harsh light of morning was Jake's toys still on the floor. She made herself get up, and walk upstairs with the toys. She put them in Jake's room, and looked around the vacant room. She was haunted by her son's laughter. She could hear him making motorcycle sounds as he spent hours pushing his yellow motorcycle around on the floor. She could almost see him sitting on the floor with Cam. She wanted to reach out and touch him.

She looked at his bed. His small perfect little bed with motorcycle sheets. She didn't even know when he found out about motorcycles, but he was Jason's son. She had spent hours on the back of Jason's bike when she first met him. She would give anything to feel that freedom again. To go back to that time where there was no pain like this. The pain she had felt after thinking Lucky was dead was a cake walk compared to this.

She felt the tears again. Would they ever stop? Would she ever feel okay again? She was a nurse, and she had seen parents lose their children before. She knew what grief looked like, but she had never known that the grief went so deep. How did people move on? How was she going to move on? She ran out of Jake's room and slammed the door behind her. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take any of this.

She wanted to go back to sleep. In her sleep there was no pain. She was with Jake in her dreams. He had been running and laughing like he always had been. She was finding it hard to believe that there was a God that would allow something like this to happen. What had she done? What had Jake done? He was an innocent little boy. He hadn't chosen to be born. He hadn't chosen to be hit by a careless motorist. A part of her knew that not all the blame was on her. Whoever had been driving was going to pay. She was going to make sure of it.

She walked back downstairs and looked around. The house was silent and empty. Like her. She was a shell of her former self. This had started months ago when she had the affair with Nikolas and destroyed Lucky. Then she was emptied out some more when Lucky brought Siobhan back from Ireland, and now here she had to live her life without her son. If she was truly honest with herself the emptiness began when Jason ended things between them at the courthouse. She wanted to scream or break something. She looked around for something, anything to throw.

She saw a vase that had been holding flowers that Cam and Jake had picked for her days ago. The flowers were dead and now so was Jake. She walked over to it to pick it up, but couldn't bear the thought of destroying a connection to Jake. Everything in this house was a connection to Jake. She was attacked by batch of new sobs. Her body shook as they hit her hard. She fell to the ground again and folded into herself. She couldn't process this. She didn't want to believe that this could happen to her. She cried for Jake. She cried for Jason. She cried for Lucky, and she finally cried for herself.

She was crying so hard that she didn't hear the door open. She could barely register that someone's arms were around her, comforting her. She looked up to find Lucky next to her, and the look on his face caused her to start crying again. He pulled her to him and she allowed herself to cry on him. She felt his arms tighten around her as his own tears came again.

"I am just so sorry, Lucky. I don't know how this could happen. Why did this happen?" she sobbed.

"There are no answers, but Dante is working on getting the answers. Then we'll know who could have done this to a child. But Elizabeth," he started pulling her to look at him, "This is NOT your fault."

"I wasn't watching him. I should have been watching him," she insisted.

"Accidents happen. We are only human. I am just as guilty of not watching the boys every second that I have them."

She just cried harder and stubbornly shook her head in disagreement. She was to blame too. He pulled her to him again and sighed deeply. She could hear his heart racing in his chest. She thought that it might take flight. Was her heart even beating anymore? She could feel it in her chest aching and heart breaking. She couldn't do this. She didn't know how to do it.

She felt Lucky comfortingly stroke her hair as he had been doing for years, but she felt no comfort in it. She pulled away and somehow managed to get up onto her feet. Lucky looked up at her with such a sad look on his face. She couldn't stop herself from gently touching his face. He leaned into her hand as if against his will. All the pain that they had caused each other melted away. It didn't seem to matter anymore.

They had to set aside that pain in order to deal with this new pain. What happened in the past no longer mattered because that pain was nothing compared to what was happening in this moment in time. The past no longer existed. All that could be handled right now was this painful presence.

"Lucky, how are we going to do this?" she cried walking away from him.

He got up and walked over to her, "I honestly don't know. I don't even know how to get through the next hour. But I knew that if I was feeling this way, that you were feeling the same or worse. I have guilt for leaving the boys with you because I just had to go marry Siobhan."

She turned around, "Where is Siobhan?"

"She is at the apartment. She tried to help, but she is no help. She doesn't understand. She couldn't possibly get this. She was upset that I came here. She felt that I should grieve with her. I just couldn't leave you alone in this. How is that fair?"

"How is any of this fair? How is it fair that Jake is gone, and we are left behind to heal from this? How is this hole in my heart ever going to heal?" she yelled angrily.

She wasn't angry with him. She was just angry. She had nowhere to put her anger. No release.

"I don't know, Elizabeth. But I know, I know we can do this together."

She was suddenly in his arms again, but how long would that last. How long before he went back to Siobhan? How long before he would treat her like a stranger again? How long before the life she loved so much would be a distant memory?

She pulled away again and walked away, "We should figure out what we are going to do for the funeral."

She sat on the couch and wiped the tears away. She dug deep into herself to say such a hard word. Funeral. How could her son and funeral ever have something in common? It just wasn't right.

He sat down next to her, "Elizabeth, we don't have to think about that today."

She clinched her jaw stubbornly, "No, we need to do this and get it over with. It's going to hurt no matter when we do it. So let's just do it now."

He nodded in agreement and she went upstairs to get changed into some different clothes. Once in her room she set her mind to do what she needed to do. She put on a black long sleeve shirt and black jeans before putting her hair into a ponytail. She didn't bother with makeup. She didn't see that there was much of a point. She was going to a funeral home to arrange her sons funeral. Her four year old son. This was just so hard. She could feel fresh tears roll down her cheeks as she walked out of her room.

Lucky was waiting for her as she descended the stairs, "Ready?"

He only nodded like he was afraid to speak, and they left to go do something no parent should ever have to do. Make funeral arrangements.