You're All I Have
Kyle's POV
Typical – the rain slows down and then stops altogether JUST as I reach the front door. Opening it and entering the embarassingly bright coloured walls of my house, I'm almost immediately shouted out by my mom.
"Kyle...where on Earth have you been, it's past 11."
"I needed to go out mom, that's all."
"I don't care if you've gone to go hiking up some icy mountain, do you realise how late it is?"
I can't take another night of this. Every time I come back AFTER 10 even if it isn't even pitch black outside, I always have my mom on my back – shouting and complaining how the supposed lateness of my arrival will affect my education and my homelife and whatnot. Yeh, like I really give a crap about all that at this moment in time. "Mom...I needed to meet Stan about something – we've just been talking." Well...it had to come out sooner or later.
"Talking? Well what on Earth have you been talking about that would make you wanna come back at 11 at night?"
"It's something I'd rather not talk about with you." Without even looking at my parents, I start to make my way upstairs.
"Kyle...aren't you even going to tell me what it was about?!"
"I'd rather not." As I go up each step, I can hear my mom continuing to rant on about how I should talk to her and dad more instead of just isolating myself and all that shit that comes with parents. Peh, yeh like they'd ever understand MY problem.
Finally, I make it to my bedroom without anymore loud speech aimed at me. Opening my door, I walk over and collapse on my half-arsed made bed. It takes me about ten seconds to realise my room's colder than downstairs. Goddam parents – they KNEW it'd be cold in my room and they didn't even put the fucking heating on. Ah well, I'm not going back down THERE just to moan about something that they SHOULD know by now. Ah well...like I'm supposed to believe...that's life. Though there is one thing that I wish I could class as just being part of life. And I rotate my body around to where my bed-side table is, like most of the day, I can clearly see the one thing I want in life the most.
Strain this chaos turn it into light,
I've gotta see you one last night.
I pick up the photo which is encapsulated in a glass-frame and take it out to hold. The photo is of me and Stan happily smiling on some random-ass hill when our families went away on a skiing holiday when we were about 11. Back then, I was hopeless at any sport to do with snow, but it was the whole aspect of spending time with Stan that made it all worth-while. I knew I couldn't convey or express my true feelings then – especially at that age, but it was such a great moment in my life to be with Stan in that sort of way. Of course, there were times where it seemed that our close friendship was kinda on the rocks and going through rough times, but we each learned that we couldn't go on in knowing that something we shared so dearly for so many years would be broken and gone.
Before the lions take their share,
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere.
Obviously, Stan saw it as a very good friendship, and I of course saw it as more than that. As the years passed, I felt like I was getting closer and closer to telling Stan the truth – the REAL truth. Through late kid year and the early teens, I gradually built-up confidence and emotional strength for what I was about to say – still maintaining that curtain of secrecy hidden as I maintained our friendship with Stan. It was our very friendship that kept me going – the fact that it was now only JUST about me and Stan and nobody else.
Just give me a chance to hold on,
Just give me something to hold onto…
Well that's what I believed. It came as if it were a nightmare – the worst case scenario that would eventually put a spanner in the works. It was only about seven or eight months ago that Stan forced a crack in my heart – Stan had got back together with his ex-girlfriend, Wendy. The day seems like it only happened yesterday where Stan completely blew that bitch out of his life for good and it was within that very moment that I knew I could start preparing myself for what I hoped would be later on in our lives. But I guess I never did prepare myself for the unthinkable. Even to this day, I still don't know what the reason was for doing so – promises, forgiveness, new beginnings…I don't know……but something told me that things weren't as normal as they seemed.
So it was from that moment on that I started watching those two – especially Wendy. How she had managed to persuade Stan to get back together was literally unreal. How could someone who had initially WANTED to break-up with Stan, suddenly ask him to get back together? Something was up…and I started to do a little digging around and spying to see what her little game really was. Besides, by that time, I'd grown too close to Stan to just forget about him. Though we still maintained our close friendship that we had, I was at that time ready to confess my secret feelings to Stan. Every passing day I would look over in class and in the halls to see Stan and Wendy talking, flirting and……and……kissing – knowing that if I kept watching, I was running the risk of having my heart cracked even more. But my heart and my feelings remained undamaged – something much more shocking and sickening had surfaced in the dark corners of the school halls that I actually accidentally saw from the corner of a hall that I hid around. The fact that I wanted me and Stan to truly be together was no longer a wish……instead, with a successful telling of this horrible truth that Wendy kept, I believed that it could become a reality.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have.
I have no fear coz' you are all that I have.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have.
I have no fear coz' you are all that I have.
So it had come down to this – earlier tonight was to be the time I finally tell Stan the truth…and with it, the truth that I had kept from him…about him. The whole setting and whatnot was perfect – Stan had invited me 'round just to watch TV and stuff like that. It was made even better that it was just us two together, even if it was strange that the other two hadn't turned up. I kept licking my lips and trying to make something out of the cocktail of emotions and thoughts that were whizzing around in my head. The clock kept ticking both physically and mentally in my mind – when, what and how should I tell Stan both facts. I kept looking at him – reminding myself that Stan was not the same emotionally-constructed as I was and wasn't in the same life-based condition as me…...but at the same time, I assured myself that it was for the best. Hell, if everything went to plan……God knows what might have happened afterwards. But obviously, it never ended up like that……and I guess it never was meant to end up like that.
You're cinematic razor sharp,
A welcome arrow through the heart.
Under your skin feels like home,
Electric shocks on aching bones.
Not that it would end up as the only worst case scenario of the night, but it was certainly a sad shock to see how Stan replied to me telling him. It was within a few seconds that Stan rushed out the front door in the middle of it raining – shocked to the core at what he thought I intended to do. Of course I didn't want him and Wendy to be together……but I didn't tell him the whole story to why I was telling him the truth. Stan had run out just before I told him my secret. Stan must have caught the wrong end of the stick at what I was trying to say. So a few minutes later, it ended up with me running through the dense and blinding heavy rain at such a late time at night – crying out to Stan. Finally…I ended up spotting Stan but it seemed as if Stan was now running away from ME after what had happened. I tried to catch up with him and I tried to explain again for a 2nd try, but I guess anybody would know how that ended up.
Now, ten minutes later, I've ended up completely fucking up more than a night with Stan but it seems now that I've totally lost him for good. But I know from experience to never give up in what you believe in…or in this case, who you believe in.
Give me a chance to hold on,
Give me a chance to hold on,
Give me a chance to hold on,
Just give me something to hold onto…
I don't care about the fact that it is a Sunday Night and I should be in bed by now, I've got too many things going on in my head that I'm not even gunna attempt trying to get some sleep. To be perfectly honest, I don't really care if I miss school tomorrow all-together. I hate going back to school when it's first thing on a Monday morning. Like you can't get any worse feeling during the week and then you realize that that weekend you were meant to take full advantage of, just passed you in a blink of an eye.
Like I said, I don't care much about school now. Over the past year or so, my enjoyment of school has gone way down-hill. My grades have slumped, my focus in class is near enough zero and even out of lessons, I have way too much on my mind to focus on what's going on around me. Excluding Stan for now, that fat-ass has become too annoying to even be classed as a friend nowadays after what he's done as of these past 3 years…so Kenny's the only real friend I have left. And YES……he knows – he knows about my…feelings…and my sexuality. He's promised me with his life that he won't tell anybody since he's really the only one I've told about this whole 'situation'.
"Don't worry Kyle……I promise, I won't start blabbering this to anybody." He keeps reminding me like he has to just to get me to smile slightly. "But promise me you'll stop feeling sorry for yourself and cheer up a little." Yeh…like THAT'S possible. How am I supposed to JUST stop being upset and down when the only one I've ever cared about and…loved…is getting dragged further and further away from me. Kenny never will understand what I go through. Despite the fact that Kenny doesn't have a girlfriend (yet) and that he keeps saying that he doesn't want to ignore how I am, just to stop him from gaining some happiness for himself…I don't think Kenny ever will see the point of this problem.
I've kept the little secret I KNOW to myself – even Kenny doesn't know about it. I'd prefer dealing with this in my own way rather than telling as many people just to share the difficulty of trying to get Stan to see the truth. I just……I just wish things weren't so difficult y'know. Me and Stan had something special going on…and then SHE had to come into the equation and ruin it. She's playing a dangerous game with Stan's feelings and she's literally taking every advantage she gets. If she didn't have him wrapped 'round her little greedy finger, I'd go up and show her just how much I really think of her and…
But I shouldn't, not yet at least……Stan's the only person I'm really focusing on here…NOT Wendy. Oh Stan…if only you could see and hear just how much you mean to me now.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have,
I have no fear coz' you are all that I have.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have,
I have no fear coz' you are all that I have.
I look at my alarm clock – 23:48 – I'm well aware of he odd fact that time seems to pass a lot quicker when you're deep in thought. I think I'll at least try and get some sleep now. If I think about what's going on too much, it'll be dawn before I know it.
I walk over to my window and close the curtains – making sure they cover the entire width. Finally, with the bedroom light clicked off, the room goes pitch black and I feel my way into bed – undressing myself as I do so. With the covers finally over me, I stare up into pitch black nothingness. For fuck's sake – my mind's still going hay-wire with thoughts and feelings. I'll never get any sleep if this keeps up……and no moving from side to side is gunna solve this problem this time 'round.
And then, it happens – my mind changes subject and automatically switches to the topic that I'm always curious to discuss to myself – what Stan is thinking about as well in this same state. Obviously it won't be as dramatic and down-graded as the one I'm thinking about, but I'm sure I'm somewhere in his head of thoughts – probably with the rejection pile or something like that. It's still kind of upsetting how Stan just seemed to literally remove me from his life altogether like that earlier on – Stan's probably seeing that as the best decision he could ever make. That OR he's already forgotten about me……which is even more upsetting. But I wish there was someway for me to tell him now that I haven't forgotten about him just because we're supposedly not friends anymore.
There is a darkness deep in you,
A frightening magic I cling to.
Tommorrow is just another day for me. What Stan said doesn't make a difference as of now, because I know deep within me that my heart says that that can't be true – me and Stan just can not function without each other's presence.
Give me a chance to hold on,
Give me a chance to hold on,
Give me a chance to hold on,
Just give me something hold onto…
Finally, my mind feels as if it's getting tired itself of thinking too much. Now's the chance I've been waiting for for at least half an hour now. The next time I wake up, by then, I'll know that what I have to do will not be easy. This is gunna be something that I'll have to hit correctly for both our sakes. I know this is the last chance I'll ever get to win Stan back……but this time……one mistake…and it's game over…I can kiss Stan goodbye for the rest of my life and I continue to live my life in depression and possibly anger at those who took him away from me.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have,
I have no fear now coz' you are all that I have.
It's so clear now that you are all that I have,
I have no fear now you are all that I have.
And with that said……my mind calms down, my eyes finally shut…and then, there's silence.
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