Author: the random monkey
Date: started sometime in June, finished Sept. 14, 2002
Author notes: Includes my version of every single song on every single english-language pokemon CD at the bottom.
We join our heroes walking through the Hogwarts grounds, where they are... Well, pretty much just wandering.
They had done this every day for the past week,
and had been through nearly every part of the grounds, but still persisted
in wandering around aimlessly, in hopes of, as Harry put it, "catching
some cool new students."
Harry Boywholivedum was a tall, lanky
lass, not terribly bright, but certainly full of vim and vigour, and committed
to the idea that "it will all turn out okay if you just try hard enough."
He was wearing, as he did every day, a black shirt and blue jeans beneath
his blue-and-white short-sleeved robes (of course he has blue-and-white
short-sleeved robes. Don't you?), and a red baseball cap was perched (or
rather, melted, for he wore it EVERY DAY) on his head.
Hermione comedyrelief was his
friend, older, wiser, and not particularly interesting in and of herself.
Mostly she existed to keep Harry from doing anything stupid enough to get
him killed, for then we wouldn't have a series, would we? Hermione wore
a orange shirt and brown khaki pants under her horrendous green, sleeveless
robes. Oh, and Hermione never opened her eyes. Ever.
Ron Idonthavealastnamecauseimnotimportantenough
was a tall, thin red-haired boy, who had a horrid temper. He also either
had a crush on Harry, or a strong attachment to his bicycle, whichever
you choose. He wore a yellow belly shirt and daisy duke shorts with red
suspenders.
At the moment, the group was walking
around the grounds, staring at everything with an amazed expression, as
if they had never seen it before. The other Hogwarts students were staring
in amazement also, but at the group, and because they were wondering a)
what the group was on, and b) where they could obtain some.
"I'm bored," said Harry. "We haven't
seen any new students yet."
"It's probably because you're scaring
them away, being so loud!" shouted Ron.
"I am not!" shouted back Harry.
"Stop it, you two," said Hermione,
calmly. "We're almost to Hagrid Town, and we can find some stuff to do
there."
"Well, I hope we get there soon, because
I'm bored," said Harry.
"You just said that!" shouted
Ron. "Now shut up before you scare all the students away!"
Hermione merely sighed exasperatedly.
Suddenly, there was a flash
of red in the conveniently-placed brush. "What was that?" shouted Harry,
running over to it.
"Harry, be careful! It might
be wild!" called Hermione after him.
Harry dove into the brush and,
after a short tussle, emerged, dragging the unconscious body of Neville
Longbottom behind him. "Look, guys!" he yelled. "I caught a Neville!"
"Wow!" said Hermione. "That's quite
a catch. It's at a very high level."
Harry beamed. "Hurry! Let's go to
Hagrid Town and get it revived!"
He started to run off, when all of
a sudden, a voice rang out. "Prepare for a duel!"
"And make it, uh, dual," chimed in
another voice.
Hermione gasped. "It's Team Darkness!"
she cried.
Two shapes appeared in the path ahead.
Perhaps they were in the shade, or maybe the light just didn't hit them
properly, or it might have just been artistic license, but their faces
could not be seen.
"To infect the world with devastation,"
continued the first voice.
"To smite all mudbloods within our
nation," intoned the other.
"To denounce as evil truth and love."
"To darken even the stars above."
"Voldemort!" said the first one, and
his face miraculously became unobscured.
"Wormtail!" said the other, as his
face was magically revealed.
"Team Darkness blasts you with Avada
Kadavra!"
"Surrender now, or, er.. Something
that rhymes with Kedavra!"
Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy ran up behind
them. Panting, he whispered, "Lucius Malfoy.... Damn... Straight," before
fainting never to be mentioned again in this fic.
"What do you want?" shouted Harry.
"We want your students! @11 ur $tud3ntz
r b310ng 2 u$!" replied Voldemort grandiosely.
"Also, it'd be nice if you died,"
added Wormtail.
"Never!" said Harry.
"Then prepare for a duel!" said Voldemort.
"Whoah," said Ron. "I just had the
strangest feeling of deja-vu..."
"Enough!" cried Voldemort. "Time to
fight! Voldemort, go!" he shouted, and jumped six inches forward.
"Harry, go!" shouted Harry, and jumped
forward.
Ron looked at Hermione. "What now?"
he asked.
"Now," replied Hermione, " we stand
back, acting nonchalantly unconcerned, and chat about who has the better
chance of having their brain splattered."
"Oh," said Ron, then, " I vote for
Harry."
"Agreed," said Hermione.
Meanwhile, the battle had begun.
"Stupefy!" shouted Harry, holding
out his wand.
"Impediment!" intoned Voldemort, aiming
at Harry.
The two curses flew, very slowly,
past each other and toward their intended targets. With only minutes to
spare, the two jumped out of the way of the attacks. Voldemort, however,
didn't move fast enough, and got grazed in the shoulder by the spell.
He fell to the ground, writhing and
screaming. "Aaah! Oooh! Man, you gotta help me, man!" he cried, clutching
his chest and stretching his hand out toward Wormtail.
Ignoring the hand, Wormtail timidly
tapped Voldemort on the shoulder. "Uhhh... Master?" he said in a tiny voice.
Voldemort stopped his theatrics and
looked up at Wormtail malevolently. "What?" he growled.
"Er.. That's the wrong parody, sir,"
mumbled Wormtail. "This is the Pokemon ripoff, and you're doing Power Rangers."
Voldemort stared at Wormtail for a
while, then stood up. "Very well," he said.
"But wait!" said Ron. "If Voldemort
just got hit by the Stupefy Curse, how can he-" and then he disappeard,
because that's what happens if you know too much.
Voldemort and Harry began to duel
again. "Stupefy!" said Harry.
"Impediment!" said Voldemort.
The two went through their complicated
dance of avoiding each other's attacks, only this time Harry was hit. "Aaah!
Ow!" he screamed.
Voldemort laughed. "Time to end this
foolish battle!" He raised his wand sloooowly...
"Harry!" said Hermione. "Why don't
you use your ultimate attack?"
"Good idea!" said Harry. He pointed
his wand at Voldemort and shouted "Expecto Patronum!" as Voldemort continued
raising his wand.
The attack hit Voldemort square on,
causing him to crash into Wormtail, who in turn knocked into Luci- Uh,
the guy who isn't gonna be mentioned again, honest. The five (what? Oh,
yes) three of them sailed into the sky and over the horizon.
Ron reappeared, promising to be good
from now on.
"Wow! Great duel, Harry!" said Hermione.
Just then, Neville woke up and looked
around. "Harry... Ron... Hermione... I've finally found you!" he said.
The three looked at each other.
"Madam Sprout sent me. Remember the
weeds we were helping pull the other day, that we threw on the fire? She
said that one of them might have been Loco Weed, which is known to cause
a euphoric effect if the smoke is inhaled."
The three continued staring at each
other, then began laughing. "Aren't these students cute when they pretend
to talk?" asked Ron. "It's like they have a language all their own!"
"Well, time to put him in his Student
Ball!" said Harry, pointing his wand at Neville.
"No! What are you doi-" he was cut
off as Harry turned him into a box of banana-flavored Pocky. Harry picked
up the box and put it in his bag along with his Chocolate Pocky, strawberry
Pocky and Men's Pocky.
And so our heroes continue on through the grounds of Hogwarts...
Harry: Don't go away! Neville's jukebox is next!
(CM Break)
Neville: Uh, hi. Uh, I'm... I'm Neville, and they said that... That maybe if I really embarrassed myself, Harry would stop turning me into a box of banana-flavored Pocky every time he saw me. Sou- *ahem* so, I wrote this song...
Friendship is nice,
Friendship is neat,
play nice with your friends,
and keep your room neat,
And eat your vegetables,
And wear clean underwear,
'Cause noone wants to be friends
With someone whose underwear smells,
And be nice,
And don't do drugs,
Unless they're prescription,
But I wouldn't know,
Because I'm a wizard,
And I don't take prescription drugs
(At least, I think I'm a wizard
'Cause I bounced when I fell out of that window)
And being nice is neat,
And being neat is nice,
So always be nice and neat!
Um.. That's it... so did it wo-
Harry: My Neville! (Turns him into Banana-flavored
Pocky) Of course it doesn't work, Neville! Pocky can't sing!