Chapter 2: Never Alone
The emotions running through my veins is absolutely unbelievable. I didn't know what to feel. Or what I was supposed to be feeling. Was I happy? Thrilled? Relieved? Sad? Angry? Devastated? Grateful? Yeah, I guess I'm all of the above. Before Finn died, I didn't know what I was going to do about all this. I was scared and unprepared to say the least. I still am actually. At first, I was mad at myself for being so irresponsible. I mean, I'm Rachel Berry. I've never been one to act before thinking. I've planned out every detail of my entire life. And suddenly, I took a step back and for the first time I realized that maybe there are things I can't control. When I found out, I had so many amazing opportunities right in front of me. My dreams were so close, I could touch them. I was going to get a real shot to live my dream, be on Broadway. So, when I walked into that doctor's office and got the news that I really was pregnant...I lied to Santana and told her I wasn't. I guess, partly because I thought that if I told the lie then I could stay in denial and it wasn't really happening. I wasn't really having a baby. I was going to audition for my dream role in a real Broadway show. And nothing was gonna stop me. Of course, that really didn't last too long. When I was standing on that stage, singing my heart out...I knew this couldn't really be my reality right now. I had this life coursing through me and no matter what, that meant everything to me. I had another person relying on me to stay alive. It was incredible actually. But I was really afraid to truly admit to myself that I was pregnant. Not just because it was going to change my life forever, but because I was afraid the baby was gonna be the wrong man's. And even before I lost Finn, I couldn't imagine having a child with anyone else. It seemed absolutely impossible to me. And I knew I had to know one way or the other. So, as soon as I physically could I had the DNA test done. The procedure is a little risky so early on, but I had to know. I couldn't stand it any longer, not knowing the truth.
At that moment, I was at a really low point in my life. What had happened to me? When did I become the girl that didn't know who fathered her child? How did I end up sleeping with two men at the same time? The thought of this baby being Brody's made me sick. This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. This wasn't who I was supposed to be. That's when I realized how lost I'd really become. I guess deep in my heart, I knew this baby had to Finn's though. Because what we shared together, even if it was only for one night, was true love. And that was what having a child was supposed to be all about...love. I thought about what an amazing father he would be. He'd give his child what he never had himself...a great man as a father. I thought about how much this revelation would rock his whole world. He had just started college and finally had a real dream for his future. I didn't want to be the one that ruined that. Just show up after everything we've been through and change everything. Yet, I knew Finn would never take it as a bad thing at all. He wouldn't be upset or mad. Mostly because he wasn't built like that. But also, because he was such an incredible man that would do anything for his family. He would have been thrilled to find out about the baby, actually. He would have been the first to tell me he was right all along. That this proved just how strong and undeniable our love was. How we would have something that was forever ours. And at the time, I started thinking of what my life could become. The thought of raising this child with Finn, was the only thing that was calming my nerves over all this drama. This baby would have been the thing that brought us back together. I just knew it. We'd be starting our life a little backwards. Considering I always figured we'd be doing career, marriage, then family. But somehow, I was okay with being a little unconventional. It's not like either one of us came from traditional families ourselves. What would make us think we'd have one ourselves? And that was just fine by me.
Of course, then tragedy struck and everything I had imagined. Everything I wanted for Finn and I...was gone forever. And from the moment Kurt told me Finn was dead, my world just went black. I didnt think about the test or even the baby a lot of the time. I just fell into this darkness that I was unable to pull myself from. I just couldn't handle anything else on top of Finn's death. For weeks, I felt nothing but pain and heartache. I relived every moment, every word Finn had ever said to me. And everything else seemed meaningless. But even through all the pain, I found myself once and while wondering if me and the baby would come out of this alive. I knew I wasn't taking proper care of myself , but it didn't really matter. Nothing did, I was in far too much pain to care. I knew that no matter what, everything that I hoped and prayed for would never come true now. My life was forever changed in the worst way possible. Every dream I had for my family with Finn, had vanished in one single moment. I just wish I had the chance to tell him he was gonna be a father. I can almost see his face, you know. How he would have reacted. A little shocked at first, and then he would've been so excited. But instead...i'm left here with nothing but regret about my choices. Wishing I had just five minutes left to live our happy ending. The way it was supposed to happen. But i'm just here all alone. Scared of what my life is going to be now. The only thing that is going to make anything okay...to help me get out of bed every morning is that I know that every time I look at our child, I'll always see Finn.
"Kurt? You okay?" I ask, after almost five minutes of him being completely silent.
"Yeah. I just...are you screwing with me?"
"Kurt, I am the last person that is going to joke about anything involving Finn right now."
"Oh my god, Rachel! This is incredible! It's a miracle!" He says, engulfing me in a hug.
"I know, I can't believe it's actually true. I'm waiting for someone to come in here and tell me it's not his. But, it's right here in front of me." I tell him, looking down at the piece of paper in front of me. "All the proof that will ever be needed. And I just...don't know how to feel."
"That's alright. It's a lot to handle right now. I just...how did this even happen? I mean, I know how it happened but when?"
"13 weeks ago. Valentine's Day."
"Oh, of course. Mr. Schuester's wedding."
"Yeah. And you know we didn't talk about what happened and I think I tried to ignore it. To avoid confronting my feelings. And, when I found out I was pregnant I went into denial mode. I wanted so badly for it not to be true. And Santana was there with me and I just lied to her face. I told her it was a false alarm and not to worry anymore."
"What? How did I not know this was going on? I live in the same apartment as you guys. We're supposed to be best friends, Rachel."
"I know, I'm sorry. But I couldn't tell you. First of all, you're Finn's brother. I couldn't handle it getting back to him so soon. Plus at the time, I couldn't even admit it to myself."
"Why not?"
"Because I wanted to live my dream, it was right there in front of me. And at the time, nothing else mattered. But that didn't last long and I knew I had face it. I had to admit to myself that I was pregnant and my dreams were going to be put on hold for the moment."
"Did Finn ever know?"
"No. And now he never will. I couldn't tell him before I knew...if he was the father. I couldn't break his heart, if it turned out differently."
"Of course, could of been Brody's."
"Yeah, so I had a DNA test done. But then, he died and I didn't get the results to him in time. And I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life."
"Rachel...it's not your fault."
"Yes it is. If I wasn't so lost...if I didn't do everything in my power to make him jealous. If I never broke his heart. We would've been together. And I would have known with 100 percent certainty that he was this baby's father. Instead, I waited too long. And now he'll never know. He'll never know he was a father and our baby will never know the amazing man he was. And that's really hard to handle right now." I tell him, with tears streaming down my face.
"Hey, it's okay. Rachel, look at me. Your baby...its a part of him. It's like he's coming back to us. Like he's not really gone. And that's a really amazing thing, Rach. We'll be able to look at your child, and see Finn. See all the best parts of him."
"Yeah, I know. I know you're right. And that's what I have to hold onto right now."
"Exactly. And I'm gonna be your baby's uncle. And I promise, that there won't be a single day that that kid doesn't know what an incredible father he had."
"Or her."
"Or her. Doesn't matter, either way...Finn will be alive in that child's soul."
"Thank you, Kurt. I'm just worried, that I'm gonna fall apart looking at this baby and seeing the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. That I lost too soon. I mean, can I handle seeing him every day of my life living on through our child?
"Yes you can. It's going to be the most amazing thing in your life. It's gonna make the pain lessen. Knowing he's right here with us."
"You really believe that?"
"I do. Rachel, I'm gonna miss Finn for the rest of my life. There will never be a day that I don't think about my brother, but now...we all have a reason to honor him too."
"Yeah, you're right. This is the greatest miracle I could ever ask for." I say, lightly touching my nearly flat stomach. "I'm just scared. How am I supposed to do this without Finn? We were supposed to raise a family together. That was always part of the plan. And now, I'm all alone."
"You are not alone, Rachel. You have me and Santana. You have your dads. And Carole and my dad. They're gonna so happy. Carole's gonna get to have a piece of her son back. That's an amazing thing to give, Rachel. We're gonna be with you every step of the way. You will never be alone. You can do this."
"Thanks. For everything. I just...I'm gonna go rest for a while. The traveling kind of wore me out."
"Of course, go lay down for a while."
I grabbed my suitcase off the ground and carried it over to my bed and placed it down. Then, I walked over to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I leaned against the door and slid to the floor. Letting myself sob uncontrollably without anyone hovering around me. I couldn't handle everything that was happening right now. I just keep imagining these things in my mind and I wish I could stop it. I can't keep thinking about how things should have been. Because I know that will never be reality. I mean, this amazing blessing is happening to me. And all I can think about is how it would be right at this moment, if Finn was still alive. I can't stop myself from dreaming about it. I know that Kurt is right, I'm gonna have a reason to live and wake up without Finn from this day forward. That doesn't mean I'm gonna miss him any less. A piece of my soul will always be gone. But I know now, that our baby is going to be my everything. He or she is going to help fill that void I feel deep inside of me. The one that is making me feel almost completely empty right now. And I have to make this child my priority, no matter what. This baby's health is the only thing that matters now. I couldn't handle it if something happened because I was too destroyed to take care of myself. So, as much as my heart hurts right now...I have to find the strength within myself to be alright. I've been given an amazing miracle. Something that had a one in a million chance of happening. And I have embrace what Finn has given me...a second chance.
"Finn..." I say out loud, standing up and walking out and towards the window next to my bed, looking up at the clouds above me. "I really hope you can hear me. Because I have a lot to tell you, maybe you can even see me right now. I don't really know how all this works. I know, I know...I've been excessively talking since you left. More than I even did when you were here, is that even possible? You always were an amazing listener when I needed you. That's why I don't know who to talk to now. I keep reaching for my phone to call you and just hear your voice. And I get to your name in my contacts and I almost press send but then I remember...you're not gonna pick up on the other end. I really wish you would. I've been wishing for a lot of things lately actually. I really wish you had made it to me that day. I know you were coming here, your mom told me. Why'd you have to do that? Why couldn't you just stay at school? Then, everything would be okay right now. You'd be here with me right now. God, Finn...why'd you have to leave me? Why'd it have to be you and not me? You were a way better person than I'll ever be. This world is a way lesser place without you. Especially my world. I need you. Because...we're having a baby, Finn. Can you believe that? I guess you were right after all, our love is everlasting. It is stronger than anything in the entire world. And now it's going to live on forever. That's a pretty incredible thing, Finn. And I'm so sorry, I never got a chance to tell you. You would have been an amazing father. I know you always wanted to be, since you never had one. But I promise you, our child will never not know who you were. What kind of man you were. And how much your love lives inside of him or her. I know the baby's gonna be just like you. Kind, open hearted, loving, talented. Because its gonna have all your best parts. And I feel like a part of you is coming back to me. So, thank you. There's one last thing I need from you. I know, I never let you rest even now, huh? But...I just need you to watch over me and the baby. I thought maybe you could be our child's guardian angel or something. Since I know you're already mine. Just make sure that the baby is safe. Just protect us the way you would if you were here right now. I love you, Finn. And I miss you so much right now." I say, falling back to the ground, hysterical. A few minutes later, I hear a large stomping towards me and it takes me out of my thought as I hear Santana's voice.
"Rachel Berry, you lied to me."
"Hello to you to you too, Santana. I thought you were still in Lima."
"I was. I just got back. Don't change the subject, Berry."
"Kurt told you." I say, standing up and wiping my tears away.
"Yeah, and it should have been you. I was with you that day. I was by your side, supporting you and you lied to my face."
"You're right, I lied. But only because I couldn't handle it at the time. For totally different and selfish reasons than I can't now. And I'm sorry, you were trying to be an amazing friend to me and I couldn't even trust you with that. I'm sorry, Santana. But, can I count on you now? You forgive me?"
"I guess I have no choice. Of course. I'm so happy for you, Rachel. You really deserve to have something great happen to you. And on top of that, everyone gets to have a piece of Finn back. It's a win, win for all of us. I'm here for you...and that baby."
"Thank you. That means everything to me right now. Because I don't know how I'm supposed to move forward. I mean, what happens next?"
"I don't know. A lot of hardships, some more pain. But it'll be worth it. I know it."
"So do I. And I know Finn is watching over us. And he'd be really happy to have you be there for his child. I know losing him has been hard on you too. Even if you don't always wanna show it. It's okay, Santana. You don't have to hide it from me, we need to support each other now. We need to keep grieving as family."
"That sounds really good to me right about now." Santana says, pulling me into a hug. And we both let the tears flow together. For the first time since Finn died, I'm glad to have some people around me to support me. And I don't know if it's my pregnancy causing me to be more accepting of help. Or just Finn willing me to accept it. The way he was always accepting to everything in his own life.