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A Series of Horrible 9 Crack by Digitaldreamer

Chapter 2: Heaven is A Place on Earth

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Wow. Well, I must say I am happy to see such a great response from everyone for the last one. I am glad to see we have so many Queen and RENT fans, hahaha.

I originally meant to give this fic a break for a bit to write some proper serious stuff but... well, then this idea popped into my brain and wouldn't go away. Hopefully it won't disappoint or seem too OOC. I actually fell really unsure about it, soo... yeah. Let me know if it's any good, if it's really bad I'll probably take it down. If it's not funny... I sincerely apologize, I swear I have so many ideas if this one doesn't ring with you, the next one probably will.

I also apologize for the 9 abuse. The poor guy really does not deserve it and yet here I am... I swear I do love the character, he's just far, far too easy to pick on. ...That and admittedly I like the other characters more but hey, that doesn't mean I hate 9. So yeah, don't think I hate him, it's just with all that he's done it's FAR too easy.

Right, onward!

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There were times when he felt guilty.

9 couldn't help it, really. After all, when he'd come into this world, there had been eight others. Eight of them, each teeming with life. They'd had their own personalities, their own abilities, their own quirks and strange little marks that they left on their shell of a world. Sure, there had been problems. There had certainly been a rift there caused by differences in personality and opinion, and the group hadn't been the best off... but they'd all been there. There had once been eight, nine including him.

Now there were four.

Somehow, it didn't seem right. He knew what he had done was right, of course. He'd saved the world, technically, had pulled them all together and done what should have been done ages ago. It had been right, he knew it had been. At the time, he hadn't really had time to consider his actions, to properly think about the consequences... but as time went on he found himself reflecting, and that was when the guilt started.

7 tried to comfort him, she really did. She did her best to tell him that it wasn't his fault. She and the twins would desperately try to cheer him up, doing anything they could think of just to get him to smile. However, eventually it became clear that the youngest stitchpunk wasn't going to just 'get over it' so they started just letting him be. Evidentially his 'overdramatic angsty hero syndrome' was something he was going to have to get over on his own.

And so, when 9 suddenly rose in the middle of the night to wander out into the wilderness for some proper brooding time, no one really stopped him.

The young stitchpunk slowly made his way through the forgotten remains of the city. Wooden feet kicked up bits of dirt as he made his way over bits of debris, his optics narrowed, the slits that passed for eyes gazing dejectedly at the ground. All was quiet, the world a silent judge hanging over his every movement.

And then quite suddenly a loud 'CRASH!' filled the air, followed by an "OW!"

9 tensed, his wooden hands clenching into fists. He glanced wildly this way and that. Why hadn't he brought a weapon!? That had been stupid, even if it seemed the monsters were gone there was no way to tell!

There was another bang, followed by a groan. 9's brow furrowed. The voice didn't sound like any beast he'd ever heard before. Perhaps it wasn't dangerous after all. "H-hello?" His voice seemed loud in the emptiness, but it strengthened his resolve a bit.

"Huh?" There was a shuffling noise, then a bright blond head suddenly peeked over a large pile of junk. Bright blue eyes glanced around for a moment before falling upon the tense stitchpunk. The thing blinked, then grinned. "Ahaha, there you are! I've been looking for you! Geez, you have no idea how hard it is to find a living soul in this mess! I had to shrink myself and everything!" It exclaimed, sounding quite excited about this discovery.

"...A-ah!" 9 sputtered, taking a step back. This thing, whatever it was, was certainly different from anything he'd seen before... was it some new kind of monster?

"What? H-hey, don't go running off!" The blond thing exclaimed. "You're 9, right? I've been trying to find you! You stay right there, you got that!?" With those words it vaulted over the pile of junk, using a pair of small, white wings to steady itself. In spite of this the creature still stumbled when he hit the ground, letting out a growl of irritation as it righted itself. "Damnit, messed up my coat again!" It muttered, reaching out so it could adjust the lab coat that it wore.

9 just stared.

It appeared to be human and also male, though 9 had never seen a human body that was close to his size. Granted, he'd also never seen one alive aside from in pictures and videos, so he supposed he wasn't the best judge of what was normal. Aside from the lab coat, the thing wore a black shirt (or 9 assumed it was a shirt) that said "Choir Angels Do it Better" and a pair of jeans... but really, that could be ignored in favor of the wings and the strange glowing ring above the thing's head.

"What are you staring at?" The creature demanded, folding his arms and tapping his foot impatiently.

"Er... are you a machine?" 9 asked tentatively, inching back another step.

"What?" The creature's brow furrowed and then he laughed and shook his head. "Of course not! I'm an angel! Did you not see the wings and halo?" He chirped, pointing at the circle above his head and the feathery appendages.

"...A what?" 9 asked, cocking his head to the side.

"An angel. You know, messenger from God and all that? Name's Steve, and no, shut up, it's a fantastic name." The creature looked at him expectantly. After a few beats of silence he sighed and hung his head. "Damn, you stitchpunk things make humans look brilliant."

"H-hey!" 9 exclaimed, indignant. "I'll have you know I--"

"Yeah yeah, settle down ragbag." The angel said, rolling his eyes. "At any rate, I'm going to assume you're 9."

The stitchpunk's brow furrowed. "Well, yes I am, but I don't see--"

"Oi, I'm getting there." The blond cut him off with a frown. "Let's focus on the issue at hand, shall we?" He flopped down in the dirt, motioning for 9 to do the same. After a moment 9 cautiously complied, sending up a cloud of dust. "Excellent!" The angel clapped his hands together, clearly pleased. "Right, well, let's get on with this so I can knock off to lunch. You're 9. Presumably the guy who's basically saved what's... er, left of this world, am I right?"

9 nodded slowly, feeling something within him tighten at this. "I... guess I did technically save it. But I really don't feel like I did." He muttered as he gazed down at his wooden fingers. For some reason he felt comfortable enough around this angel thing to admit the problem, though he couldn't understand why. "I know what I did was right, but... a lot of it was my fault, really. I... lost a lot of friends in the process."

Steve stared at him for a moment, then sighed. "Oh joy, you're one of those overdramatic hero types. I hate those." He muttered as he reached up the pinch the bridge of his nose. Before 9 could protest against this stereotype the angel spoke again. "Well, nothing that can be done about it! That's quite an emotional pickle you've got there, 9!" A smile was forced upon his lips as he glanced back to the stitchpunk.

"Er... pickle?"

"...Nevermind," Steve sighed. "Anyway, right, so let me guess, you feel awful, right?"

9 nodded slowly.

"Feel like everything wrong that's happened in this world is your fault?"

"Well... a bit," 9 sighed as he pulled lightly at one of his stitches with a claw-like finger.

"Uh huh. Wishing you'd never been born?" The blond asked, quirking a brow.

"Yeah... yeah, that's exactly how I feel." 9 said, optics widening slightly as he looked back to Steve. "How did you know?"

"Classic case," Steve shrugged as he leaned back on his seat. "Anyway, well, don't worry 9! I've been sent down to help you!" He chirped, his voice filled with blatantly false optimism and cheer.

The stitchpunk blinked. "You have?" He asked, then frowned. "Sent down from where?"

Steve scowled. "That's not important, focus, you idiot!" He snapped. After a few moments of silence he frowned, tapping his chin. "Although now that I think about it... you're in a pickle but it's been awhile since I've had to deal with this, I'm not entirely sure what I should do. Hm..." He scratched his head and looked to 9 again, whom shrugged. "Um... maybe I'm supposed to go with that movie that's always on TV during Christmas?"

"Christmas?" 9 repeated, looking very confused.

Steve ignored him. "...The Great Escape? No, no... um... E.T.? Nah. Obviously not Star Wars... While You Were Sleeping? She's the Man? Argh, damnit... Miracle on 34th Street?" The angel groaned, putting his face in his hands. "It's been way too long... wait, I know! Have you ever seen It's a Wonderful Life?"

9 stared blankly at him.

"...You know, 'I'll love you George Bailey until the day I die'? 'I wish I'd never been born!'? 'You know George, you really have a wonderful life'?" The angel began to spout off various quotes, changing his voice with each one as if he were mimicking something. After a few beats of silence he kept going. "'Look Daddy, Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings'? By the way that's complete bullshit, that's not how it works and I..." He trailed off as he saw 9's eyes wander to the ground again, shoulders slumping. "Hey, hey, you'd better not be brooding over there!" Steve cried, snapping his fingers and jumping to his feet.

The stitchpunk smiled apologetically. "Well, I'm sorry, it's just... this isn't making me feel any better about everyone who died."

Steve looked at him for a moment, then sighed. "Fine, I guess I'll just have to do this the old fashioned way. Look kid, you're thinking if you'd never been born, everyone would be a lot better off, right?" He pointed a pale finger at 9, who flinched slightly.

"Y-yes..."

"Well, what on Earth are you doing thinking that for!?" Steve exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air and causing 9 to jump. "I mean sheesh, I'm sure you've done loads of great things! Like, um, let's see... oh! Remember 2?"

9's brow furrowed, then he nodded. "1 sent him out to die and 5 and I went to rescue him... we actually did save him from the beast!"

"Yeah!" Steve almost smiled before a look of realization came over him and he frowned. "Well, um... actually that's not quite true. You and 5 actually didn't do anything. 7 would have saved 2 and he would have been fine." He gave a nervous laugh, scratching his head again.

9 flinched. "Oh."

"Er... yeah. So I guess all you really did there was accidentally get 5's mentor killed even though all he ever did to you was make you capable of speech." The angel frowned, then snapped his fingers. "Damn, how did that guy do that anyway? All he had was his bare freaking hands and a doll's voice box, and now somehow you sound like Elijah Wood! Sheesh, 5 must have learned a hell of a lot from him!"

"Oh, 5!" 9 exclaimed, his optics flashing as he held up one wooden finger. "T-There we go, I think I helped him. I mean before me he wouldn't even go outside or stand up to 1, but thanks to me he... he found courage, right!?" He looked up to Steve again, face hopeful.

"Eh... sorta," Steve shrugged. "Though really that was kind of a general character development and given the sort of things that were happening around him, it might've happened anyway. I mean, obviously there's no guarantee, but you never know. He wasn't too happy with 7 and 2 being picked on, he probably would have stood up and fought eventually." Upon seeing 9's face fall again the angel desperately tried to backpedal. "I-I mean, don't get me wrong, hahah! You still had plenty of impact, obviously! I mean, sure, you caused all those horrible events and inspired him to stand up for himself! After all, if you hadn't accidentally sacrificed his mentor to a giant apocalyptic machine and put several of his friends in mortal peril he might never have gained the courage to follow you to the ends of the earth! ...Granted, he wouldn't have died either, but, y'know."

9's shoulders slumped again. "You mean to tell me that if I hadn't been around 5 probably would have been fine and so all I really did was kill his best friend and lead him to his eventual horrible death!?" He muttered.

"Yeah... I guess that;s kinda true, huh?" Steve frowned as he gazed up at the night sky, appearing thoughtful. "Actually, now that I think about it 6 would have been fine too. Sure, he would have been completely insane still, but he would have been fine."

9 swallowed, a rather human gesture in spite of his lack of saliva. "Er... what about... 8?" He asked, his voice sounding weak.

"What about 8? The big doof would have followed 1 anywhere, but given the fact that 1 was hell bent on avoiding danger he would have gladly carried out his days until that magnet finally fried his brain." Steve snorted.

"A-and 1?" The youngest stitchpunk inquired.

"What part of 'avoiding danger' did you not get? If any of them would have been fine, it would have been 1." Steve declared.

If he could have sunk into the ground, 9 would have. "I-I see... but um... I still... I still pulled them together, didn't I? I mean, without me they wouldn't have realized there was a better way and they had to unite? I mean, they were all spread out before me!" He exclaimed, his voice sounding rather desperate at this point.

Steve outright laughed at that. "So the better way was 'I'm going to wake up a giant death machine and cause five of my kind to die'? Naaaah. They would have been fine. 1's head was so big I'm pretty sure that eventually the other six would have rose up against him and overruled him. There would have been a lot of drama but they probably would have worked it out eventually. And, y'know, 7 probably would have killed the beast thing and since you would never be around to wake the Machine up, problem solved!" He blinked as he realized what he had just said, then looked to 9. "Huh. What do you know? Your existence really is kinda pointless."

9 gaped at him. "But... but... the scientist made me with a purpose in mind, didn't he?"

"Yeeaaah..." Steve scratched his head. "Actually, uh, how do I say this? I've met the guy in heaven... he wanted me to tell you that you kind of screwed that up. He's thinking that this might have been a bad idea."

The youngest stitchpunk stared at him with wide eyes. "So... my existence basically had no meaning what-so-ever?"

Steve shrugged. "Well... I hate to be the bearer of bad news, buut.... yeah. Sorry about that," He shrugged. "I mean, sure, you helped them all a bit here and there and I guess nothing brings a group together quite like waking up a giant, evil, soul-sucking machine and I guess your heart was in the right place, buuut.... yeah. It really kinda is all your fault. Sorry." The blond looked to 9 again and flashed a weak grin. "So... feel any better?"

"What? NO!" 9 exclaimed. "How was that supposed to help!? I feel worse!"

"Oh," The angel's brow furrowed. "Well, uh... sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Look, I'm sure it hurts now, but you have to understand that they do say truth is the best medicine!"

"I thought that was laughter?" 9 muttered.

"Oh..." Steve winced.

"You're not very good at this, are you?" The stitchpunk drawled.

"...You could say that." The angel said with a chuckle. "Er... well... um... okay, okay, hang on. Silver lining, I can totally do that... um..." He clapped his hands together. "Okay, well, in spite of everything I said you really did manage to bring everyone together! And sure you killed 2, but hey, you taught 5 to finally grow a backbone! Plus I'm sure girls love the damaged best friend type... even if he is dead! And uh, 6 was really happy to see you for all of the four lines he ever said in your presence! And um... well, sure 8 died without doing much of anything but I assure you that his habits would have gotten the better of him anyway! And you got 1 to pull the stick out of his ass, even if he did die for your stupidity! And you did actually get rid of all the monsters! And to top it all off, now it's just you, a hot chick, and a pair of adorable twins in your own personal backyard of awesome! Isn't that great!? I'd kill for that, let me tell you." Steve finished off his rant with a large grin, his perfectly white teeth somehow managing to gleam with no decent light source.

9 just stared at him.

"...Do you feel any better now? Steve asked hopefully.

9 looked rather like a small child whose puppy had been run over, only to be told it was okay, only to then be told it was actually a sick joke and the puppy had died hours ago in agonizing pain.

"Oh," Steve's face fell. "Sheesh, you're a tough one to crack. Well, when all else fails..." The angel reached out and patted 9 on the shoulder. "Listen... I know you caused a lot of crap. I know. Believe me, I'm sure you feel awful. But what you did... it really was a great thing. You've made it so life can continue... you've made it so you guys don't just have to survive, you can live. That's a great thing. And when it comes down to it, none of your friends blame you. They all understand what you did, they know this place is better now and they're happy where they are."

9 glanced up from the ground to Steve again, eyes hopeful. "Really?"

"That's right!" Steve beamed and patted 9 heavily on the back. "Now cheer up kid! Remember, if all else fails, at least all this crap will probably make a great movie!"

"Movie?" 9 repeated, looking painfully confused. He remembered those as the things 4 could project from her eyes, but what did that have to do with the current situation?

"Hell yeah!" Steve grinned. "I mean, have you seen this crap? It's really messed up! I bet some crazy filmmaker named something like... I dunno, Tim Burton or Shane Acker or something, they're probably all over this and it's gonna have some sort of insane cult fanbase! It's gonna be awesome, right buddy!?" He turned back to the stitchpunk and flashed a thumbs up.

9 just stared at him. There was an awkward silence.

"Right, well... my work here is done!" Steve pulled away from 9 and dusted his hands off, then began to walk away.

"What the-- hey, you can't just leave like that!" 9 exclaimed, wooden hands clenching into fists.

"Sure I can!" Steve called behind him without looking back. "You feel better, don't you?"

9 stared at the angel's back for a moment. "I-I guess, but that doesn't change the fact that you were completely right about me being a screw up!" He cried.

Steve paused in his walk, then glanced back. "9?"

"What?"

"Do you remember back when you started all this mess by killed 2?" The blond asked, blue eyes suddenly surprisingly solemn.

9 visibly flinched. Lenses dropped to the dusty ground as the image of 2's destroyed husk flashed in his mind's eye, still as painfully clear as if it had just happened.

"Hey, hey, don't get angsty, you're missing the point!" Steve snapped. "When that happened, 5 forgave you, right?"

The youngest stitchpunk frowned. "...I guess so, yeah."

"Well... if 5 could do that for you, why can't you do it for yourself?"

9 blinked. He blinked again. Why couldn't he do it for himself? It didn't work like that, the others weren't there to forgive him... but he supposed in a way they already had. He'd made his peace when he'd set their souls free and that was really all there was to it. As much as it hurt to remember and replay it all in his mind, it had been enough to make him forget the last smiles they'd all shared before they'd vanished.

Had he caused problems? Oh, he had. But it had been right... and in the end they had all forgiven him already.

"I guess you're right..." The stitchpunk chuckled, feeling his gears in his chest tighten. Why did his throat feel so tight. "Maybe there's no problem at all, you have a point, Steve. Thanks."

He glanced up so he could properly thank the angel... only to find he was alone.

"Steve?" His brow furrowed and he glanced around, his voice suddenly seeming far louder in the emptiness. "Steve? Hey!" He crossed his arms before him, a frown coming to his face. Had he imagined the whole thing? Mechanical eyes looked to the stars for a moment... then the stitchpunk shrugged and began to walk back to the others.

Perhaps he had imagined the whole thing... but regardless, he did feel better. Maybe Steve, if he existed, had a point. Maybe it was time to let go after all. The others were dead and there was little he could do about it... and they'd already moved on, so perhaps he should as well.

7 would probably appreciate the lack of brooding, at any rate.

-End-

"...Wow, Steve. You were so totally bullshitting that kid. Seriously, what a screw up."

"Goddamnit Gabriel, would you shut up?"

"STEVE! I TOLD YOU TO STOP USING MY NAME IN VAIN!"

"Sorry, Lord!"