COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER TWO



Kelly groaned. Giving Dr. Fraud the grand tour was going to be a living nightmare. Fraud kept commenting on how 'vunderbar' his new job was, how he loved challenges, and how he felt confident that they could really connect with Kelly during their hour session. And if he didn't wipe that moronic grin off his face, well.. Principal Kelly wouldn't be responsible for his actions.

"Joo are so lucky to be vorking wit teenagers. I haf dreamt of zis day for years." Dr. Fraud told him.

Principal Kelly stared at him. He was beginning to think that the doctor was the one who needed counseling. How anyone could actually LIKE kids was beyond him. 'I should have known he was crazy. Why else would he want to work here? No wonder Principal. Darkholme just left without a moment's notice. I don't blame her! Blue demons, slime, earthquakes every other day.." Kelly's thought were interrupts by the sounds of giggling schoolgirls.

"Zuch hoppy zooodents joo haf! Zere laughter, it rings through ze halls and into mein heart." Fraud remarked

"What now?" Kelly muttered. He turned the corner and what he saw made him stop dead in his tracks. A silver-haired boy dressed in a red-and-white striped carny outfit was holding up a large, leather bound book bearing the title 'Drunk As A Skunk And Twice As Smelly: The Tell-All Memoirs Of Principal Kelly'.

"Step-right-up-folks-and-buy-the-biography-of-Bayville's-biggest-blowhard! I-hold-in-my-hands-hundreds-of-hours-of-pure-pleasure-yours-for-only-$19.95! With-your-purchase-you-will-be-given-a-complimentary-bottle-of-Maximoff's-Magic-Mousse-a-patented-Pietro-product-that's-perfect-for-preparing-sensational-styles-in-seconds-satisfaction-guaranteed!" Pietro announced dramatically.

"MR. MAXIMOFF!" Kelly roared. "What are you up to? You can't just peddle that unauthorized autobiography!"

"Au-contraire." Pietro said with a smile as he pulled out a piece of paper. "Form 24/C-entitles-me-to-start-my-own-small-business..."

"I don't care about any stupid forms!" Kelly hollered as he picked up a copy of the book. "This is libel! Half this stuff isn't even true!"

"Perhaps-you'd-like-to-discuss-that-matter-with-my-secretary-Miss-Smith." Pietro snapped his fingers and instantly a blonde girl wearing an extremely low-cut suit and fake glasses appeared at his side. "Tabitha-dearest-would-you-be-so-kind-as-to-explain-the-legal-formalities-to-this-rather-uninformed-ignoramus?"

"With pleasure, Speedy. You see sir, this can all be traced back to the case of Standford Vs. The State, circa..." Tabitha began.

"Interestink." commented Fraud as he began scribbling in his notebook.

"I can't believe this..." Kelly moaned. "I simply can't believe this..."

"Principal Kelly! Principal Kelly!" a small voice called out. "You have to come to the biology lab right away! It's an emergency!"

Kelly turned and faced the student. He recognized her right away, it was Taryn, one of the cheerleaders. 'I wonder what fascinating emergency she could possibly have.' he thought dryly. 'Perhaps one of her pom-poms is missing. Oh well, anything to get away from those luna- oh no!'

Kelly stared in utter disbelief at the science department. Two students he knew all too well were marching up and down the halls, holding picket signs that read 'Frogs Are People Too'.

"Mr. Tolansky! Mr. Dukes! What in blazes is going on here?!" Kelly demanded.

"Injustice, that's what's going on, yo!" Toad Tolansky cried out indignantly. "Ain't that right, Fred?"

Fred nodded. "Injustice." he agreed.

"What are you talking about? What injustice?" Kelly screamed.

"They want us to kill frogs, yo! We'll be murderers!" Toad was almost hysterical now. "They're already dead." Kelly reasoned. "You won't be killing them, you'll be studying them."

"Tell it to the judge!" Toad hollered.

"Please boys, settle down..." Kelly begged.

"1,2,3,4, We won't take it anymore!" Toad yelled.

"5,6,7,8, You're the one that we all hate!" Fred added.

"Oh, for the love of..." Kelly muttered. At that moment, the silhouette of a leather-clad teen appeared in the window.

"Look, it's Lance!" Freddy cried. He waved his arms excitedly. "Hey buddy, how's it going?"

"What the?! MISTER ALVERS! What do you think you're doing?" Kelly bellowed. He had just spotted Lance's latest 'masterpiece'. Right underneath the Bayville High billboard the words 'Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here' had been scrawled in gigantic red letters.

Lance turned around and glared at Freddy. "Nice going, Freddy." Lance grumbled. He climbed the landing and slipped back into the school, still holding a spraypaint bottle in his hands.

"My school is NOT a concentration camp!" growled Kelly.

"Could've fooled me." Lance groused.

"Interestink." remarked Fraud.

"Where did you come from?" Kelly asked Dr. Fraud. "Never mind, just keep quiet Alright, listen up! Will Mr. Alvers, Mr. Dukes, Mr. Maximoff, Mr. Tolansky, and Miss Smith report to my office now!!!" he ordered.

"Whatever you say, Mein Fuhrer." Lance gave a mock-salute and began goose-stepping towards Kelly's office. Toad and Freddy both laughed and then took off after Lance. They were joined shortly by Pietro and Tabitha, who were now wearing their regular school clothing. At the end of the line was a very excited Dr. Fraud.

Kelly shook his head as everyone filed in. It was definitely going to be an 'interestink' day.