Faith stood by the sink, her eyes never leaving the coffee mug she held firmly with both hands. Buffy was talking and she was only idly listening. Buffy was filling her in on the things that had happened over in Scotland, nothing too important that she knew she had to pay attention to. It wasn't that she didn't care to listen she was too busy fighting her conscience and the bits of her old self that still lingered inside.
Being so close to Buffy, hearing her voice and feeling her all over her, Faith couldn't stop her feelings and her heart from hammering away in her chest. A few times she'd looked up at her, smiling a little at the animated way Buffy went on and on. She knew she'd talk for hours without missing a beat, without caring that Faith hadn't said a word to her other than a nod and a grunt here and there. Faith turned to pour herself another cup of coffee, her eyelids feeling heavy with the lack of sleep and sighed out loudly.
"I'm a little envious," Buffy said as she stopped and took a deep breath.
"Of what?"
"Of you, of the life you have here."
"It's alright," Faith shrugged as she looked up at her, their eyes meeting only for a brief second before she quickly looked away.
"You've settled down, you have a job, you have a good relationship. You..."
"What?"
"I never thought you'd end up like this," Buffy shrugged. "Always thought you'd go from place to place, trying to find the fun and all that."
"People change."
"I suspect Jennifer has a lot to do with the changes you've made?"
"Yeah, she does," Faith nodded. "Guess that was all I needed was a good woman that could show me how to open my heart, how to let her and others in when I never knew how before. So, what about you, B? No lucky guy in your life?"
"No. There is nobody."
"What about that fling with Satsu?"
"That's all it was. A fling. It didn't mean anything, not to me."
Uncomfortable silence filled the room. Faith never liked talking to Buffy about Satsu or anything else really. They never had been one to sit down and talk, yet there they were, in Faith's kitchen, talking over a cup of coffee as if they were a pair of old friends catching up even though Buffy had done most of the talking in the short time she'd been there.
"Where'd you leave the others?"
"Oh," Buffy laughed as she stood up and brought her empty mug to the sink. "I left them at the motel. They're all probably exploring around town by now, trying to find something to do to pass the time until I go back. Giles told me that you and I should go out on patrol together for a couple of nights until he gets here and we can figure out a schedule that'll work for all of us."
"Schedule?"
"You know, patrol groups? Safety in numbers?"
"Right," Faith nodded as she distanced herself from Buffy, not liking the constant buzzing that coursed through her body. It was making her uncomfortable because her body was telling her to give in, to take Buffy in her arms and not just tell her but show her how she felt.
"I know you don't want us here, Faith. There really is no other choice. From what Giles has found out, this Hellmouth is more dangerous than any others in the world. We couldn't let you handle this on your own."
"I understand. No big, B. If it gets bad and out of control I'll be glad you and the others are here to help out."
"There is one thing," Buffy said softly as she stepped closer to Faith and placed a hand tentatively on her shoulder. "I want us to try and be civil this time. I want us to start over. I want us to at least try and be friends."
"Gonna be kind of hard to do that."
Buffy nodded, causing Faith to let out a sigh of relief when she didn't ask why. Buffy kept her hand on her shoulder, both of them staring intensely at one another as the air around them became thick with tension. Faith's skin was burning under Buffy's hand and after a few minutes, she shrugged her hand away and stood a couple of steps back. She inwardly laughed at herself for reacting the way she was. Buffy didn't see her like that and she didn't have the same kind of feelings that Faith had for her. Faith headed for the back door, stepping out in the warm mid-morning sun as she pulled out her cigarettes and quickly lit one.
"Didn't you quit years ago?"
"Nah I never quit."
"I see," Buffy sighed as she sat down on the steps next to her. "Have you stayed off the booze at least?"
"Three years or so now since I last had a drop."
"I'm glad you found some kind of happiness in your life, Faith. I always knew you had the potential to be a better person. It just took the right one to come along and bring that out of you," Buffy smiled genuinely as she laid a hand on top of her knee and gave it a gentle squeeze.
Faith wasn't sure why Buffy was being so touchy feely with her. She'd never been that way with her and the only time Buffy ever laid a hand on her unless they were sparring, fighting and in several different cases, trying to kill one another. How they went from that to this, Faith wasn't sure and she sure didn't mind the change either. It almost made her take back all previous thoughts of them never having a chance to be friends. Things change, as do people, and she knew she had changed, but had Buffy? She wasn't sure even though she did feel something different coming from her. Her tone was relaxed, friendly.
Being around Buffy again was going to prove to be a challenge, a frustrating one at that. If she had a choice, she'd back down and claim defeat, but she didn't have a choice. It made her wonder if she ever would.
Faith placed a hand over Buffy's that still was on her knee and she turned to look at her, falling into the intensity of her hazel eyes. It was times like this she wanted to know everything Buffy was thinking, everything that she was feeling. The emotions displayed across her face sent too many mixed signals and like she had in the past, she didn't try to figure them out. She knew Buffy better than she knew Buffy thought that she did. She knew that while she looked like she showed one set of feelings, underneath it all it was a completely different story. It was one of those things she'd learned so many years ago, back in Sunnydale before everything started falling apart, before she started falling apart and slipping into the darkness that had came from deep inside of her.
"You've been awfully quiet since I got here," Buffy said softly, not removing her hand as she slid a little closer to her. "Any reason why?"
"Nope."
"I don't believe that for a second," she laughed. "Faith, despite what I know you think I do know how you used to feel about me."
"And how did I used to feel about you?"
Buffy blushed slightly as she took her hand away. "I think you know."
"I think I don't. Spell it out for me, Blondie."
"I know you felt something for me."
"Something huh? Wow, what a thing to feel," Faith chuckled as she raised an eyebrow at Buffy's deepening blush. "What if I did?"
Buffy shrugged as she turned to look away from her. "I don't know, Faith. Everything was so confusing between us. I felt like I was being pulled every which way with you. I still feel that way."
Faith nodded, looking away and down at the ground in front of her. Buffy was right. Everything was confusing between the two of them. She had a funny feeling it'd always be that way. In some ways it was too late to act upon their feelings for one another. Faith wasn't going to give up a good thing for something she wasn't entirely sure would even work out. She started laughing, mostly because she was sitting there next to Buffy thinking the same things she'd spent the last ten years of her life thinking about. Some things might have changed, but her feelings and the way she felt around Buffy sure hadn't.
"As crazy as it sounds, I did miss you, Faith."
"Definitely sounds crazy. Did you go all amnesia girl on me since the last time I saw you?"
"No," Buffy laughed. "I know things haven't been great between us, but I've learned it is never too late to make things right."
"Might be easy for you to say that, but what about the others? I don't think they share your enthusiasm for making things right."
"It doesn't matter if they do or not. They really don't have a choice anymore, do they?"
"Guess not."
"I should go," Buffy said as she stood up slowly. "Giles wanted me to start looking around at houses before he gets here. Any suggestions on where to start looking?"
"There's a place a couple blocks from here," Faith replied as she leaned back on the steps and looked up at her. "Not sure if it'd be something you would be interested in. It's old, it's abandoned, and it needs a lot of work."
"How much work?"
"A new roof, probably new walls and floors."
Buffy laughed as she shook her head. "It's practically condemned, isn't it?"
"And possibly hosting a nest of vampires that I haven't come across yet. No big. Guess we'll find out right?" Faith shrugged as she stood up and stretched out slowly, completely aware of Buffy's eyes on her. "I don't have to be in to work until later. I could take you there and we could check it out. Like you said safety in numbers and all that."
"Do you have weapons?"
"Do I?" Faith laughed as she headed inside. "B, have you forgotten who you are talking to? Of course I have weapons."
Faith walked to the front hallway and opened the closet door. She pushed aside a few jackets and lined up on the wall behind them were a row of several weapons. Buffy leaned in a picked up an axe and a couple of stakes, smiling as she ran her finger over the sharp blade. Faith could only shake her head a little as she picked up her favourite crossbow, a couple of knives and a few stakes. Even as tired as she was, she already had adrenaline pumping through her body at the prospect of her and Buffy slaying together once again. It had been a long time and despite the fact that she had gotten used to doing it alone, nothing ever came close to the rush she got when she was with Buffy doing what they did best, what they were meant to do.
Faith called out for her Hellhound, keeping an eye on Buffy's reaction as Casey came charging down the stairs. Buffy's eyes went wide as she stared down at her.
"You...you have a Hellhound?"
"Yeah, B. I found her when she was just a pup. Don't worry, she's perfectly harmless."
Buffy looked sceptical as she hesitantly reached down to pet her. "How did you manage to raise a Hellhound to be perfectly harmless?"
"Wasn't as hard as you'd think. Just like raising a normal pup," Faith shrugged as she went back to the closet and pulled out a duffle bag. "And despite the small town nature around here, I don't think people will feel too safe seeing us walk around carrying weapons."
"What did you name her?" Buffy asked as she handed Faith the axe.
"Casey."
"Why?"
"Seemed like it suited her," she laughed.
"And how are you so sure it is a she?"
"No junk."
Buffy laughed as she shook her head and bent down to pet the Hellhound again. "Does she fight?"
"Oh hell yeah," Faith laughed. "Best sidekick I've ever had. She's had my back every time and she is relentless, ruthless whenever she senses danger. Just don't get in her way. She can hold her own."
It felt so easy to just talk to Buffy as if they were friends. She didn't feel the old tension between them. The only tension she felt was sexual and she has her suspicions that she wasn't the only one that felt it either. Shrugging it off, she opened the door and stepped outside, waiting for Buffy and the Hellhound to follow. Neither of them talked as they walked the few blocks to the house Faith had been talking about. Every once in awhile though, Faith caught herself fighting to stop from looking over at Buffy. It was hard not to look at her and let her eyes linger a few seconds longer than she knew she should.
"Is this it?"
Faith stopped as she turned to look at Buffy then up at the house. It was partially hidden behind the trees that scattered the front lawn. With a nod, Faith headed up the overgrown driveway, her Slayer senses beginning to go rampant with every step closer to the house. The Hellhound was ahead of them, sniffing intensely as they neared the side door, the only door that hadn't been boarded shut. She pulled out the axe from the bag and handed it to Buffy and with a smile curling across her lips, she pulled out the crossbow and they walked inside, full of confidence and no fear for what they were about to possibly face.
Seven vampires slept scattered around the front room. They had no warning, no chance to get away or even fight. With two left, Faith pummelling one as she held him to the ground and the Hellhound viciously attacking the other, Buffy could only stand to the side and watch. Faith felt her eyes on her every move and she reached into the waistband of her jeans and pulled out her stake. Never tired of the fear that showed in any vampires' eyes before she would stake them, she drove it through his chest and stood up as the dust settled on the floor around her.
"You were right," Buffy said as she looked around. "This place does need a lot of work. Xander could have it fixed up in less than a month."
Faith said not a word as she looked over at the Hellhound as it finally ripped off the vampires' head and barked playfully as it ran over to her, ready for the treat it knew Faith always had in her pocket, ready to reward her for a job well done.
"Good girl," Faith smiled as she pulled out the small bag of dog treats and gave her one. Buffy held back a laugh, at least she had tried and Faith turned to look at her with an eyebrow raised. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing."
"The treats are what helped me tame her in the first place," Faith explained as she tossed one of the biscuits at the Hellhound. "Dog or Hellhound, they all love these things. It's like dangling crack in front of a crack head. You can get them to do anything you want."
"Uh, is there a story behind that analogy?"
"Nah. Sometimes an analogy is just that, an analogy," Faith chuckled as she headed for the door, carefully stepping around the gaps in the floor.
She stepped outside and breathed in deeply. For the first time in a long time, if ever, she felt that things were finally going to be okay between her and Buffy. Granted it had only been a couple of hours, an awkward conversation and the two of them joking around as if they were actually friends, but she felt a bond growing between them and she knew that this time, she was going to do everything she could to keep that bond and keep from fucking things up like the last time.
They parted ways then, Buffy chattering excitedly on her cell with Xander about the abandoned house and Faith thinking on her walk back home of how her normal, quiet and stable life was about to take a giant leap into the unknown.
Over and over she had to tell herself to stop thinking of the what if's when it came to Buffy. The only what if was friendship. She had Jennifer. She loved Jennifer. Just because Buffy had suddenly come back into her life didn't mean she was going to forget about the one woman who had completely captured her heart. She shook her head as she headed up to the house, sighing loudly as she closed the door behind her.
Fatigue was taking over her yet she was worked up from the small fight. She let the Hellhound out in the backyard and headed upstairs, barely able to keep her eyes open as she showered, dressed and got ready for work. She wasn't sure what would happen now that things were picking up around there. Would she still have a job? Would she still be able to work every day or would she be too tired, too sore, and sometimes too banged up, to go? It was one of those things she didn't have any answers for. It seemed like all of a sudden there were a lot of things she didn't have any answers for.
It was going to be interesting, she knew that much. Buffy hadn't even been there for a full day and she was already being pulled in every different direction. Slivers of her old self started to come back and she did all she could to push those feelings and thoughts aside. She had a life to live and it was going on whether she was fully aware or not. She'd deal with it later. She had no choice. Her life was there waiting for her and Buffy, along with the others, weren't quite a part of it. It made her wonder if it was even possible to keep her lives separate.
She'd find out. She just hoped everything didn't fall apart. She was far too content in her life now for chaos to erupt and yet, she knew, it was inevitable.
****
Faith sat in her office, her eyes barely open as she went through the folders scattered over her desk. The never ending paperwork was the only thing she hated doing, yet, every day after five she would sit there for an hour and go through it all. Her eyes kept drifting over to the clock, waiting until it was six so she could get out of there. She yawned as she closed the folders in front of her and took them to the tall filing cabinet by the door, ignoring the buzzing in the deepest spot of her stomach as she closed the drawer.
There were a few things she'd become rather cynical about and one of those things was the state she left her desk at the end of each day. Jennifer had always poked fun at her about it. Faith didn't care. It was one of those things in her life that never changed and she was planning to keep it that way as long as she could. A soft knock came on the door and she knew before she even opened the door who was on the other side.
Faith ran her fingers through her hair and walked over to the door. She opened it slowly and was unable to stop the smirk as she saw Buffy standing on the other side. "Hey, B. What are you doing here?"
"I went to your house and you weren't there then I remembered you are all career woman now," Buffy laughed as she walked past Faith. "Are you busy?"
"No, just finishing up. Was there something that you wanted?"
"Oh, well...I talked to Giles and he suggested we get the girls together and have a quick meeting before we head out on patrol later. Since I don't have your number I couldn't just call you to let you know."
"It's fine. Where are we going to have this meeting?" Faith asked and when Buffy didn't say a word she raised an eyebrow. "My place?"
"If that is okay," she said with a shrug. "It's closer to the cemetery and bigger than the motel rooms. It just..."
"Makes more sense," Faith laughed as she walked over to where she left her bag by her desk and picked it up. "We have a couple hours before we need to head out on patrol and I sort of have plans."
"With Jennifer?"
"Yeah," Faith nodded. "Our anniversary was yesterday. I kind of fucked up and we ended up not spending it together like we should have. I have some major grovelling to do."
Buffy laughed as she followed Faith out of her office and towards the front door of the small building. She walked rather close to Faith and as they walked outside to the parking lot, their arms brushed against each other's sending a wave of what felt like an electrical current through Faith's body. Faith barely flinched even though she had nearly jumped out of her skin. If Buffy had felt it too, she made no notice to it and continued walking next to her. Faith glanced over at her for a moment, pausing just to look at her.
The changes in Buffy weren't major, but Faith could see how much having the weight of the world on her shoulders had affected her over the years. She looked older, just a little. Her eyes were tired despite her body language that showed she was ready for whatever would come her way. She was lonely. The feeling just came off of her and it was powerful. Despite it all, Faith still felt the attraction for her she'd felt since the first time she met Buffy all those years ago. Her body was itching to do something about it and yet, she fought it with every last bit of willpower and strength she had inside of her.
She said not a word as Buffy followed her the short walk back to her house. As much as she wanted Buffy to leave, she didn't want her to at the same time. Things were different between them and their Slayer connection, if that was what it was, felt stronger than it ever had been in all the years they'd known one another. Faith could feel whatever it was with every last bit of her heart and soul. She wanted to talk to Buffy, find out if she was feeling it too, but it only took one long look at her to know that whatever she was feeling, Buffy was feeling it too.
"Find out anything about that house?"
"Giles is going to deal with it when he gets here. Until then the motel is going to be home."
"It's not that bad," Faith said as she stopped at the end of the driveway. "Could be worse, you know?"
"It could be like the motel in Sunnydale," Buffy replied and they both chuckled. "I didn't mean it the way that just sounded."
"Its okay, B. That place was a dump, but it was home for awhile."
"I haven't thought about the days in Sunnydale in a long time."
"Neither have I. Don't exactly have too many fond memories of that time in my life."
"I know we're not exactly friends, that we've never been, but I was kind of hoping we could change that. I want to move on from our past, Faith. I'm willing to do anything I can to do that."
"Thanks, I guess."
Buffy gave her a small smile as they reached the end of the driveway. She seemed a little uncomfortable as she stared over at Faith and without saying another word she turned and walked away, heading in the direction of the motel. Faith couldn't take her eyes off of her. She tried and failed.
She started thinking back to the beginning of her and Jennifer's relationship. Back at that time, she wasn't open to having a relationship; she wasn't open to being with just one person. Jennifer had changed it all for her with just one look, with just one kiss. Even then, while that was all happening, Faith had secretly wished it was Buffy who opened her heart that way. She wished it was Buffy that she could have fallen in such deep love with. Even though things with Jennifer were damn well near perfect in her eyes, she never once stopped thinking about how it would have been had she been with Buffy instead.
Things were only going to become more complicated now that Buffy was there and now that she was seemingly pushing her way into Faith's comfortable, stable life. She had changed. She wasn't being a cold bitch towards Faith anymore. She wasn't keeping her at arm's length like she'd always had before. Whatever it was she was doing, Faith knew and she could feel Buffy pulling her in, wanting her to be close even though they had a shady, troubled past together. There were still trust issues and Faith knew for a fact that Buffy hadn't just gotten over them completely. That would take time, a lot of time, and it seemed like right now they had nothing but time.
Faith momentarily abandoned her thoughts as she walked through the unlocked front door. With a smile, she quietly made her way to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Jennifer who stood at the stove making dinner.
"Hey," Faith whispered against her neck as she closed her eyes. "What you cooking?"
"Nothing special," she replied with a laugh as she held out the spoon towards Faith. "Just reheating some stew my mom sent over. I swear she thinks that neither of us is capable of cooking for ourselves."
"I'm not complaining here. Your mom is a great cook. Too bad that skill didn't get passed on to you."
"Hey!" Jennifer laughed as she turned to face her. "I can cook. I just never get the opportunity to. Besides I figured I'd come by, see if you had any plans for tonight."
"I just have to go out on patrol for a couple hours, show them all the ropes then I'll be all yours until the ass crack of dawn."
"Charming, Faith."
"You are still afraid everything is going to change, aren't you?"
"It's just that..."
"Jen," Faith sighed as she wrapped her arms around her and held her close. "Why don't you tell me why you are really afraid that everything is going to change? It's Buffy, isn't it?"
"I know how you felt about her before and sometimes I think...no I know you still have feelings for her."
"Feelings that don't even come close to what I feel for you," Faith smiled sweetly. Her smile quickly faded when Jennifer pulled away from her. "What?"
"So you do have feelings for her? I just want to know, Faith. Everything has been great since you've been here. She hasn't even been here for a day and I'm getting these weird vibes from you."
"Weird vibes? What the hell are you talking about, weird vibes? Like what?"
"You're distancing yourself from me."
Faith sighed out loudly knowing this was one argument she was doomed to lose no matter what she said. Mumbling that she was going to go shower, she left Jennifer there in the kitchen and headed upstairs. There was no way she was going to tell her that she was right about everything changing. Things were already starting to change and yet Faith wasn't so sure if it was simply because Buffy was there. She didn't want to put the blame solely on her when it was her own fault for letting her old feelings for Buffy get in the way of her feelings for Jennifer.
Just what feelings she had for Buffy, she wasn't too sure. She knew she felt something, something stronger and deeper than friendship. Whether it was their Slayer connection or something else completely, she wasn't sure she wanted to know. The less she knew, the easier it would be for her to dismiss her feelings. Trying to let go of her thoughts that had invaded her mind all day, she stripped out of her clothes as she walked to the bathroom.
Before she'd been with Jennifer and before she quit drinking, she would have locked herself in her room with a bottle of whiskey and drowned her sorrows and frustrations away. Now it was a hot shower until the water ran cold. She felt so conflicted, fighting with the voices inside of her and her feelings that bounced back and forth. No matter what she did or how she felt, she couldn't help but think it was wrong to feel the way she was.
"Women. Can't live with them and can't live without them. I am so royally fucked," she said to herself as she closed her eyes and tried to let the nearly scalding hot water wash away her thoughts and feelings and everything else in between.