December 5, 1989

Dear Diary,

Should I be saying 'Dear' to you? You are, in fact, an inanimate object. Itoko says it should help me control my emotions. Perhaps I should start getting used to calling Itoko Hid. But my question is: What emotions? What are emotions? The dictionary says that emotions are:

1. A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.

2. Any of the particular feelings that characterize such a state of mind, such as joy, anger, love, hate, horror, etc

What does that mean? So emotions are joy, anger, love, hate, horror, etc. What about anguish? Surely that is an emotion. Is sadness an emotion? I suppose those are emotions. What about when you feel home sick? Is there a name for an emotion for that feeling?

I miss home. I miss Okaa-san. And Otou-san too. No, I miss my mama and papa. Okaa-san and Otou-san is too formal. But I suppose they're not here for me to tell them that. Maybe I should ask Ciego where they are. I don't think that they have ever written a name in the Death Note, so maybe they're in Heaven. I hope so.

If I wave at them, will the wind blow back? Maybe it's them waving back. I sometimes think to the wind and pretend that it's mama and papa. I like to have conversations with the wind. It's interesting.

Hid thinks that I'm unwell, and I see that Onii-san is worried too. Maybe I should stop calling Onii-san that. I need to get used to calling him Name. The same goes for Itoko. I need to get used to calling him Unkno.

I haven't smiled in a while. I miss my smile. I always thought it was a pretty smile. I'm pretty right? Ciego says I am, but I think he says that so I could stay quiet. Mama used to say I was pretty.

I wonder if Ciego and the others saw the numbers above their heads. I wonder what my number is. I hope its not soon. I'm only seven; I don't want to die yet.

I don't really like to play with the other children. I miss playing, but I don't want to. I don't feel like it. Name is trying to get me to play with him, but even then I don't want to.

If I analyze myself correctly, I would be under the category of 'traumatized'. Perhaps it was because of the fire. I suppose that's it. If the fire hadn't occurred, then I wouldn't be an orphan. Now all I have is Name, Hid, Unkno, and my shinigami, Ciego. Sometimes I slip in public and talk to him out loud. I believe some of the kids think that I am mentally unstable. That could be a possibility. I suppose so. Maybe I'll ask Ciego if I'm mentally unstable.

The words left my mouth as soon as I finished writing the last word on the page. "Ciego, am I mentally unstable?"

I could feel the stare of the other children in the room. I looked at them and tried to smile. I could feel the corner of my mouth tugging upwards, but it hurt to smile. So I didn't.

The children looked at me strangely and went back to playing with their toys. I probably looked abnormal, I suppose. I turned to the shinigami, waiting for his reply.

"No, niñita. You are perfectly sane. Now go back to writing."

Ciego says that I am sane. So that means that I am not mentally unstable. I suppose that means that I am mentally stable. But I think he was annoyed. The other kids looked at me strangely when I asked the question. So maybe I am insane. It could be a possibility. I don't want to be insane. I hope I'm not deranged.

Maybe I'll go ask Name later. Or maybe now. Is it normal to write this long in a diary? Maybe I'll end up burning it. Most of this information is classified. But I don't want to burn it. Hid bought it for me with her own money and it's so pretty. I really like this book. It's not like the death note. If I write someone's name in here, they won't die in 40 seconds. At least, I hope not. I suppose I'll just hide the diary. Name, Unkno, and Hid swore that they wouldn't read it.

If no one is going to read this, then maybe I'll write a secret.

I don't like to be called Nona. I don't like to be called Nona because that's not my name. I have name. What is a name? What's in a name? Is a name something that you call someone? Is it something that you write on a paper to make it permanent? If that's the case, then my real name isn't Nona. I don't have a real one. I suppose that's ok, though, because in this house, no one knows each other's real names, because we all use aliases. I wonder what it feels like for Ciego. In my house, no one had a name besides Obaasan, and her receiving a name had been an accident. Now Ciego is here and he sees many names. It must be frustrating. Maybe that's why he is in a bad mood. Maybe I should go to my room. I know Ciego will follow me and we will be alone there, so he doesn't have to see any more names.

I stood up quietly and walked out of the playroom. 'Why was I there in the first place? It could be because I didn't want to be alone, I suppose…' I could feel Ciego behind me. My room was upstairs. I was getting closer to the stairs when I was suddenly thrown on the floor. "Ah!" I yelled in surprise.

"Ow. Sorry Nona. Are you ok?" Name asked me as he stood up and helped me up. I nodded and I heard laughing across the room. "Ahaha! Sorry Nona!" I heard Unkno run through the hallways, "Now you'll never catch me, Name!"

"That stupid, little –"

"Oh hello children." I heard the front door open and looked to see whose voice that belonged to. I saw Mr. Wammy and felt overjoyed.

"Hello Mr. Wammy!" My twin brother and I said in unison as we ran to hug him. 'I hope he brought candy!' Mr. Wammy usually brought something for us when he went out. We rapidly asked him how his trip was when I noticed a something in his hand. It looked like another hand. When I followed the arm, I saw it belonged to a small boy that was behind him. Our eyes met and I backed up in surprise.

"Oh! I see you met L. Children, this is L, and he will be staying with us from now on. Tell him your names." There it was again. That word. Name. Tell him your name. Why won't it end?

I felt Name put his arm around my shoulder. I looked at him and saw him wave excitedly at L, with a smile that I thought never seemed to fade.

"Hi! I'm Name, or N."

'Why can't I be like you Name? I'm so envious of you. And Unkno. And Hid. How do you all accept it so easily? We don't have names. I would be lying if I said that my name is Nona. I have no name. Why doesn't anyone understand that? Perhaps I am mentally unstable. Or stubborn.

"Nona, tell him your name." I felt Name whisper to me. I looked up surprised, and realized they were all waiting for me to say my name. "I- My- Uhm- Uh." I stuttered and looked back down.

"My name…"

'What's my name? Do I have one? Do I need one?'

"My name…"

'No, I don't need one. I don't have one. But that doesn't mean I can't call myself Nona. That doesn't mean I can't give myself an identity. That doesn't mean I can't make myself known.'

"Hi, my name is Nona, or Double N!" I could feel it as I waved excitedly. I could feel the huge weight lifted off my shoulder. I could feel the smile on my face spreading and I smiled at Name when I felt him squeeze my hand. I looked and smiled at all of them, and I noticed Mr. Wammy smiling back at me, as did Name. But when I looked at L, he wasn't smiling. His face was blank. 'Is that what I looked like?' My smile faltered, but I then I smiled brightly again at L.

I saw his mouth twitch, but I didn't see him smile.

"Excuse children, I'm off to introduce L to the other children. I will see you later. Oh! Before I forget, there you are. " Mr. Wammy reached into his pocket and pulled out two lollipops, one for me, and one for Name.

I saw L stare at the lollipop as I pocketed it in my baggy pants. "Thank you Mr. Wammy!" Name and I both said in unison. Name ran upstairs to eat the lollipop, while I walked slowly behind him, feeling the smile on my lips. "Don't spoil your dinner!" Mr. Wammy said as he walked away with L, hand in hand. I looked at L, and saw him slowly look back. I smiled bigger at him and saw him look away quickly. I shoved my hand in my pocket and grasped my lollipop.

'So, you don't smile often, do you?'

'I can see it. I know what it feels like. I don't want anyone else to feel it too...'

I ran upstairs to the room I shared with Name and quickly scribbled in my diary.

I don't have a name. At least, not a real one. But who I am, is what I want to be. And I want to be Nona.

'I smiled L. I'll make you smile too.'