Here you are, another round of vicious mocking. Some of this stuff was written before the last weeks, so it may be a little out of date (though obviously, time is being completely toyed with anyway). And once again, let me just reiterate that I like, even love some of these characters, whom I mock. So if you love them, try not to take offense, it's all in fun. Even Sage and Courtney, who we all know I'm not fond of are not the subject (this time) of my rage, but just the victims of what I feel are insufferable plot devices. This is even true for the partnership of Sam and Jason (which I (personally) vehemently loath, hate, and despise to the point of nausea). So for the Sam-Jason fan who didn't like the scene, I want to you know, it was (I SWEAR) nothing personal, and I mean that honestly. Yeah, so, anyway, um, enjoy the story, heh heh, well, ahem, goodbye then, heh..
Today, On General Hospital
Georgie was sitting on a bench in the park when Sage walked by. She jumped up and stepped in front of the girl. Despite the fact that the bitch had thrown herself at Georgie's boyfriend more times than she could count, and had posted pictures on the web of what looked like Georgie's naked body, and was generally unpleasant, well golly, she still felt just awful for having caused a ladder to fall near Sage, leading her to sprain her voice from screaming like some sort of ninny.
"Sage. I'm just so gosh darn sorry for what I did. I could not feel guiltier." Georgie crossed her fingers behind her back. Sure she felt bad, but she was sure she could feel worse.
Sage flipped her hair over her shoulder; her voice came out sounding like a frog. "Damnit Georgie. I'll never forgive you. I'll have my revenge if it's the last thing I do."
"No wait, look, I got you a card!" Georgie pulled the envelope out of her backpack. Sage reluctantly took it, tearing open the wrap and pulling out the glittery card. Just then, the sun came out from behind a cloud and hit the glitter, causing a flash of light.
"OHHHH!" Sage screamed in her froggy voice. "My eyes! You've BLINDED me. The glitter blinded meeeeeeee." Sage fell to her knees sobbing. Georgie quickly summoned an ambulance, and they were rushed to GH. When they got there, Tony Jones, one of the four doctors at GH, treated her.
"It's tragic. The light hitting the glitter has blinded Sage. God only knows if she'll ever see again." His voice was sorrowful. "Well Georgie. I hope you're pleased with yourself. Destroying such a promising art career." She looked up at him, confused. "Yes, didn't you know? Just yesterday, shortly after her singing talent was discovered, the British Gallery called and said they had a feeling she would be a great painter, and she.. was." Georgie bowed her head in shame. "Well, I have to go see all the other patients. I can't wait for next month, when Emily finishes medical school, and then there will be five doctors here." His eyes shown at the thought of his first day off in four years. As he turned the corner, he ran into Bobbie, standing in the corridor, looking confused. "Bobbie? How are you doing?"
She turned to him, her face a study of desperation and fear. "Tony! Thank god! Something is wrong with me! I'm here, but then I'm not, and when I come back, months have passed, and no one seems to have noticed I'm gone! You have to help m-"
"Bobbie?" Tony was briefly confused, but then shrugged his shoulders. Oh well, she had probably gone to the cafeteria or something. Maybe Lucas was there too.
O O O
Felicia stood in front of the dryer, waiting for the bell to ding and tell her it was done. Her life was like a gentle dream. Since she had come back from Texas, she had cleaned the house 407 times, made dinner every night, as well as all the other meals. Taken care of Mac, and occasionally gone to Kelly's, to be on hand to admonish her daughters and provide a moral compass. It was so restful, not having an exciting life, where one did outlandish things like interact with non-family members, or have a job. Just the other day she had had to scold Dillon, and it had left her wrung out.
DING
She smiled, taking the laundry out. Now for her favorite part: starching. She was carrying the basket into the kitchen when Mac came down from upstairs. She looked at him with surprise. After all, the girls were out, so he couldn't have come down to forbid them to date. Felicia took a moment to admire his gorgeous face. Thank god it hadn't scarred, it would have been such a waste. Sure it might have provided the family with emotional scenes, revealing personal issues and growth as people, but what was all that next to him being pretty? "Is something wrong, Mac?" She asked.
"No." He shook his head. "I just.. didn't I used to.. I don't know.. have a job? Or something?"
Felicia was perplexed. "I don't think so. I know I don't, so I'm sure you don't either. We're just background details for Georgie now."
"Oh!" His face cleared. "Well that's a relief. I was worried for a minute there." He turned and went back upstairs to wait for Georgie to come home, so he could yell at her, or dispense sage advice, depending.
O O O
Emily blinked when she realized that she had been magically transported to a Caribbean island. Wow. She stepped out of her hotel room to gaze at the stars, and think about her one true love, lost in a hotel fire.. wait no.. oh, right, in a mysterious car accident. She mentally rolled her eyes at herself for getting Nikolas' apparent death and actual death mixed up. She assumed it was a side effect of the chemo, that she had memory lapses rather than loss of hair.
Hearing a noise, she looked over, and was stunned to see Nikolas standing on the balcony next to her. Her jaw dropped when Mary came out and embraced him. She blushed, muttering, "Jeez, get a room," as the kissed deepened in an intense fashion. Instead of screaming, "Nikolas!" or calling the police, or telling Lucky, Emily knew that she should lurk on the beach until Nik went for a post-coital walk, as he inevitably would.
O O O
After her unsatisfactory conversation with "Conner," Emily was stunned. Why, he had no recollection of her at all! As far as he was concerned, she was that nice pal of Mary's. She tossed her hair. How could he forget their love? The fact that he was a prince? That his mother might as well be dead? That his grandmother was a psychopathic freak? That he was in an enormous amount of debt? How he had almost died in a fire and that she had accidentally left him for dead in the ruins? That horrible pirate storyline? Weren't these things etched into his still beating heart? Overcome with confusion and sorrow, she blinked, and knocked on Jason's door.
"Emily?" Her brother looked confused. "I thought you were in the Caribbean."
"I was, but I needed to get back and advance the plot immediately, so I came home via Magic Carpet Express." She pushed into the apartment.
"You know, now is actually not the best-"
She cut him off, "I saw Nikolas!"
Jason edged towards the door. Sadness washed over him as he realized that her long exposure to the Quartermaines' had finally manifested in insanity. "Did you now?"
"Yes! I saw him in the Caribbean, with the woman who claimed to be my friend, and he has amnesia!"
Jason relaxed, relieved to realize there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for Nikolas' apparent death. He hugged her sympathetically and they sat on the couch. She looked at him and asked, "Jason, what if, one day, someone told YOU that you had a whole life you didn't know about, a whole family who loved you that you couldn't remember? A fiancZe you didn't know? If such a strange event were to happen to YOU, what WOULD you do? You know, IF that were to happen to you?"
Jason stared at her, wondering if she had always been so profoundly stupid, or if it was a side effect of the chemo. Yeah, that had to be it, because he clearly remembered her being intelligent once.
"Well?" She asked, "What if you had this whole life you didn't remember? Would you want me to tell you?" She blinked vacuously at him. "Hey? What are you doing? Jason? Jason!" Emily found herself propelled out the front door of Jason's house. She swung around, "What did you do that for?"
He asked with scorn: "You want to know what I would do IF I were to wake up, with no memory of my past, family or fiancee?" Jason snarled at her: "I DID, you TWIT." And slammed the door in her face. Emily winced and made a mental note to take the writers aside and tell them to consult a bloody timeline, so they wrote plots that in some way acknowledged past events.
O O O
"Michael," Carly said firmly, "stop squirming!"
"But mo-om! I don't want to!" Michael tried to tug his head out of her grasp.
"Well, if you had stopped running away like you promised, then you wouldn't have to be tagged with a signal device with GPS capabilities. But you did, so now you have to wear this. Honestly Michael, Mommy doesn't have time to be tracking you down every two days, and since I am, for some unknown reason, unable to fire Letitia, who apparently couldn't keep an eye on you if you were glow-in-the-dark, this will have to do. Now hold still!"
"OW!" Michael yelled as she pierced his ear.
"Sorry honey." She examined the red tag to make sure it was properly fastened, then checked to see if it was transmitting Michael's current position on her GPS relay, which looked like a palm pilot. Sure enough, there was a flashing red dot on her screen, with the label, "Michael" and the address of GH, which was where they were. "Okay, it all works. Off you go." She patted him on the head and Michael walked off sulkily. Carly looked down at her watch, and cursed. She was running late. She burst into Sonny's hospital room, saying, "Sorry!" as she began pulling things from her purse. A compass, a ball of yarn and some aged Gouda all landed on the bed sheets. Sonny was likewise gathering things from the bedside table, upon with sat the Book. "Do you have an extra pencil?" she asked.
"Here." Sonny handed her one, and started. "Okay, so I calculated what the position of Jupiter's moons were in 1812, and I also checked traffic conditions. So all we have to do is work out the rest of the equation on page 850,254."
"Great. I picked up the Gouda, the yarn and the compass." They opened the book. "Hmmm." Carly sniffed the cheese. "Potency in the upper 100's." Sonny sniffed it as well.
"I agree." They made notations. Carly picked up the compass and determined their current position, then held the end of the thread as she threw the ball of yarn from her. It promptly unrolled out the door. Sonny lay in bed and waited for Carly to return (as she had followed the unrolling spool). Little over ten minutes later she came back, and he transcribed the list of places she had been.
"Well, when I walked out the door, I was definitely in Narnia, during the rein of the white witch. But as soon as I got by the lamppost, it changed into the Well of Lost Plots, and I followed the yarn into The Raven, and then out the chamber door. Then I was in Never-Never Land, and I sailed on the pirate ship to a land Far Far Away. We took a swing by Hogwarts, and then the entire scene shifted, and I was following the yarn through Arrakis. The Muad'Dib says "hi" by-the-way, " Sonny nodded in acknowledgement, "We then took a turn into London Below, and then out a sewage pipe, and I was back here."
"Wow." Sonny marveled. "I can't wait until I feel well enough to take the sequence down again. It would be great to see Peter again. Okay, lets plug this in." They worked at it for awhile. "I have ten." Sonny finished first.
Carly finished. "Huh- I have nine." They looked at each other, sighed heavily, and started again. This time they both got nine. "Right, so nine, divided by the sequence, times our current position, squared by the position of Jupiter's moons, is.." She showed him her paper, and Sonny nodded in to confirm that he had the same answer. "..then take the traffic into account, and the cheese, and then.." She trailed off, forgetting the next step.
"Then we have to put a chameleon in front of some plaid and divide the entire equation by what color it turns." Sonny came to the rescue. They did this, then worked the numbers, consulted, reworked, and reached a solution. Sonny spoke first, "So, today, we're fighting, but we supposed to lie to Michael again and tell him things are fine. Then I have to go to Jason's and make out with Sam, while you have a deep conversation with Alcazar."
"Looks like." Carly began packing up all the supplies. "Oh hey, I meant to ask, did you pick out which color you liked best for the bathroom?" she inquired.
"Oh, yeah, I did!" Sonny pulled out some paint samples. "I kind of liked the Scottish-Heather, but I think maybe the Summer-Heather would be better, because it will be nice after it fades, where-as the Scottish-Heather might be kind of dull. I could be wrong though."
Carly looked at the paint samples in his hand. "No, I think that makes sense. Okay, Summer-Heather it is. I'll pick the paint up on the way home. Listen, after you make out with Sam, and we fight, do you want to get Chinese from the place on the corner? It's going to be a long day, and I can get some on my way home from my teary confrontation with Al in the park- it's totally on the way."
"That sounds great- I'll have Max get us some movies, and we'll just kick back." They smiled, pleased to have worked everything out so smoothly, but then Sonny groaned.
"What?" Carly asked, concerned.
"We have to tell Michael things are okay, and I have no idea where he is!" He rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"No, don't worry, I tagged him. Also, it has this nifty feature." She pressed a button on the console, then brought it close to her mouth. "Michael, this is your mother speaking. Report to the hospital room immediately." She looked at her husband. "Isn't that cool?"
Stay Tuned!
I got mad again. Actually, in all honesty, I started this entire story just to write today's scene between Jason and Emily. I nearly died (from laughter and rage) when it aired. I mean, did NO ONE, in the entire cast, production crew, or writing staff notice how stupid it sounded? How could Steve not have said, "um, listen morons, this DID happen to Jason. The question, at the least, should be re-phrased." Talk about annoying. So now that I've written it, and (in a further burst of sharing) I watch only about 3% of GH these days, we'll see how long it takes me to get enough material together for another chapter. I hope you enjoyed it though!
..and don't forget to review..
I know, I'm being annoying now, but, on the subject of Jason again, is anyone else thinking, "huh, Jason is single, and (apparently) wants a baby, and Elizabeth is single, and HAS a baby...... SAY!....... I bet they might make a cute couple!" Or is it just me?