WRITTEN IN THE STARS

(by Ryuen and Purple Mouse :P )

Chapter One

Part Two

~*~Saihitei~*~

The world looks very different when one has just discovered that one is important. I still did not know exactly how I was important; however, the mystical symbol and prophetic dream rather gave the game away. But the effect it had on the way I saw the world…well…it was amazing.

I usually saw things in shades of gray. Not literally, of course. But…the world was a place where I lived, nothing more. There was the occasional beautiful sunset, the occasional awe-inspiring scene…but after the sun had disappeared, after the scene had ended, I had to go back to live my life again. To be someone who wasn't me, fulfilling the aspirations of everyone but myself.

To say I was miserable would be an overstatement, I think. I do not, however, believe that I was ever truly happy, the way my life was going. And sometimes, in my weaker moments, I would think that the only reason I was not miserable was because I told myself not to be. Miserable people did not merit a respectable job in a respectable corporation. Especially when that job would be as the company head, and that corporation was my inheritance.

Logic had dictated that I accept my family's plans that I should become the head of my father's business when he retired, and so I had played along, shoving any desires of my own in the back of my mind, because they simply weren't important. And the world had become as drab as my prospects. It was as if I had locked all the color away, afraid that one indulgence in something that I liked, something that I wanted, would spoil me forever for The Grand Plan. When I was still living at home, I would be moved to write poems…and would write them almost fearfully, feeling like a thief, dreading the consequences that would arise if anyone should catch me. With love, it was the same way. I had had crushes before; not many, but they had been there. All of them had been on men, starting in the ninth grade. And I had never acted on any of them. Logically, again, I needed a wife if I were to continue the family line, and had realized this at a painfully early age. I often thought that Konan Insurance was comparable to the history of the ruling kings of Britain. Heir or destruction. Civil war if reproduction fails. And all that. It was…so medieval, in a way, and deep inside, I resented that. But I would not let myself feel, at least not for long, because feeling inevitably led to misery.

The changes, I suppose, had begun this semester, with my decision to take Creative Writing. I wouldn't have done so, to tell the truth, if it had been completely up to me, but the general education requirements—which existed, I suppose, to guarantee that everyone who passed through the shining gates of the University of Pittsburgh with A Well-Rounded Education—had called for an English class. And voilà.

And now I was important, without knowing why. And the world was…perfect.

Except for Celine.

As I pulled into the circle drive of her dorm, a bit of my previous melancholy returned to me, and I sighed. Given the circumstances, I don't think it would be unusual for me to admit that I did feel a certain amount of guilt where Celine was concerned. I liked her, make no mistake. But I would never love her, not in the way she probably already thought I loved her. And…she deserved better than that. I was using her life, manipulating her emotions, just so I could please my overbearing family. It was selfish, and I hated myself for it. But what could I do? What can someone who has grown up in my position, having his future practically built for him, do?

If I were brave, I thought, I would tell her the truth. But I wasn't eager to hurt her. One way or another, I would hurt her anyway. And I didn't really relish the idea of doing so any time soon.

"Hi!" she greeted when she arrived, hopping into the passenger seat. Brushing her long, blonde bangs from her face, she grinned and leaned over to kiss me. "Thanks so much, I reeeeally appreciate this."

"I told you I didn't mind," I reminded her with false cheer.

"Yeah, well, that doesn't make it any less sweet. So, what's up for tonight? Do you wanna go out?"

Tonight. No; I had to find Ryuuen tonight, and who knew how long that would take.

"Ahh, I…I can't tonight," I said apologetically, feeling even guiltier as her face fell. "I'm sorry; I have a meeting today with my business club." Why, you lying, arrogant… Did that really come that easily? Was it really that easy to betray the woman you're supposed to love?

Celine kept her chin up, though, and was soon smiling brightly again. I felt a bit ill. "Hey, no problem. I know how important that stuff is to you. We can do stuff on Saturday or something…try out that new Italian place, maybe?"

I nodded as we pulled into the street. "Sure, that sounds like fun."

We chattered inanely for the rest of the ride; she groaned about the intricacies involved in switching colleges—she was attempting to move from LAS to Education—and I added sympathetic and encouraging comments when necessary. When we arrived at Thaw Hall, she kissed me again, thanked me again, grabbed her bag, and left. I watched her go into the building, tall and slender and practically perfect, not being able to tear my eyes away. Not because my heart called out to her in any kind of romantic fervor. It was more like regret.

Why couldn't I love her? Why couldn't I make both our lives easier by being in love with her? So she was female. So what? Love was supposed to transcend everything, even gender. To say I liked men and only men, and could never fall in love with a woman, was just as closed-minded as saying I liked only women, shoving away any possibility of a different kind of relationship. She was everything anyone could ever want.

Why couldn't I love her?

Must get these thoughts out of my head.

I switched on the radio, drowning out the discourse in my mind with moderately loud popular fare. I wasn't terribly fond of pop, but found, in this situation, that it served to better muffle my thoughts than Chopin. But as soon as I had parked my car and begun walking to my own class, the relative silence again gave rise to annoying pondering. Celine, my parents, my life…

…My newfound destiny.

Hotohori, the voice had called me. Hotohori. Suzaku no Shichiseishi…

Wouldn't it be ironic, I thought, if it really WAS just a dream? If my repressed emotions are finally making a stand and driving me completely and utterly MAD??

But Ryuuen, I supposed, would be the deciding factor of that. And deep in my heart, I hoped it was real.

The cool breeze blew my hair back from my face as I neared the math building—my class that day, unfortunately, was economics—and I squinted my eyes. Winter was not an enjoyable season in Pennsylvania, and I began to wish I'd worn a thicker coat. Somehow, however, the image that came to mind of me in an overstuffed winter ensemble, barely able to move my arms like the poor child in that Christmas movie, was rather unappealing, and with a shudder that had nothing to do with the weather, I decided to sacrifice warmth for physical charm.

My class wasn't until noon, so I had been planning to sit around in the lounge and get started on some astronomy homework (another one of my General Education Requirements). But, as luck would have it, just as I was about to pull open the door to the building, I happened to glance to my left…

…And there was Ryuuen, heading down the sidewalk in the direction of Posvar Hall.

I stopped short, blinking at the coincidence, then hurried over to meet her, with the hope that I could set a "date" for this evening. A study date, to work on our newest Creative Writing assignment; we'd had them before, so there was nothing unusual about that.

You realize, if you ask her about the kanji and she has no idea what you're talking about, this friendship you've made with her could go down the drain.

But I had to ask her. I had to. Perhaps I could figure out a tactful way of doing it, a way that wouldn't make her think I was a psychopath if I was wrong. Perhaps. But I could ponder that later; all I needed to do now was ask her to meet with me.

She was walking with another girl, one I didn't know. As I approached, though, all that mattered was Ryuuen. I was not so engrossed in my sexuality that I could not appreciate beauty in women, and there was no mistaking the fact that Ryuuen was very pretty, in an innocent, rather unusual sort of way. Her normally pale cheeks were flushed with the cold, and she had a rainbow-striped scarf around her neck, which brought out the lovely violet color of her hair. Her eyes were cast down, staring at the sidewalk from under long lashes, as was her habit; for some reason, she never looked up when she walked.

The other girl was chattering at her side, bouncing happily. But Ryuuen just looked…sad.

She often looked sad, I thought, and frowned. There was always an air of melancholy around her, and at times, when I saw her in class, I could swear she was trying to hold back tears. When she was with me, when we were alone and working, her face would light up at times, and she would smile. But normally…

When she's with me…

…When she's…

Ahh.

I sighed sadly. So, Ryuuen had a crush on me. Who knows why it took me so long to notice, but I was now certain I was right. A slight pain settled in my chest, and I wished that these things wouldn't happen. It was bad enough actually having a girlfriend whom I did not love, and I had no desire to cause anyone else pain. Especially Ryuuen, whose perpetual sadness betrayed the fact that she had probably been hurt enough already.

But I can use this to my advantage, can't I? If she's in love with me, she'll be more inclined to meet with me…more inclined to listen to what I have to say.

For heaven's sake. Exactly how selfish AM I?

She looked up as I neared, rose-colored eyes widening when she saw it was me, and stopped walking. Her friend looked puzzled, but stopped, as well, gazing up at me curiously and—to my dismay—appraisingly.

"Hello," I smiled, my breath making small trails of mist in the chill morning air.

~*~Ryuuen~*~

Stephanie was waiting for me downstairs, leaning up against the email kiosks with her tiny backpack slung over one shoulder. Her fingers tangled in her hair, twisting long, honey-colored strands in little circles, and from the way her jaw was moving, she was either chewing gum really enthusiastically, or else she was talking to the security guard again. And, since I was pretty sure that that vaguely-good-looking Doug guy was the one who worked on Friday mornings, it was a good bet that that's what she was doing. Whatever the case, though, she stopped it as soon as she saw me get out of the elevator, and skipped over to the glass partition to wait for me.

It hadn't taken all that long for me to get accustomed to all the security precautions at Pitt. It'd been a little bit of a surprise at first, of course, to know that I had to swipe my card and show it to the guard before I could even get into my own building, but the precautions made sense, I guessed. I mean, hey, I wouldn't want to know that just anybody off the streets of Pittsburgh was running around in the halls I lived in. But, still, it got to be a hassle, sometimes, having to sign people in and out of the dorms—not that I'd ever had to do that more than once or twice, of course…but, still. The potential for a hassle was there.

I pushed open the door, giving Doug the Security Guard a brief nod that I hoped he wouldn't take wrongly. From the wide grin that spread across his face and the—I winced—wink that followed, it was pretty obvious that he had. But, oh, well. At least there was an inch of bullet-proof glass between us…

"Hey!" Stephanie exclaimed as soon as I pushed open the door. "Ree-yuuuuuen! Thought you weren't gonna show up for a minute there!"

Having grown more than accustomed to people mispronouncing my name, I didn't bother correcting her. Futile battles, and all that. Instead, I managed a smile. "Hi, Stephanie. No, I was just…running late. Something wrong with my alarm clock."

I decided to leave out the fact that said alarm clock was currently lying in a pile of plastic and wires in my garbage can.

Stephanie gave me an over-exaggerated I Like, Sooo Relate To What You're Saying nod, and then squealed, "Ahhh, don't you hate that??"

I nodded. "Yeah, it's certainly a pain…" As if suddenly remembering it was there, I looked down at my watch, then raised both eyebrows and gave a little gasp of surprise. "Hey, it's almost ten 'til. We ought to get going."

Stephanie shrugged, pulling out a pair of fuzzy pink mittens and starting to tug them delicately onto her hands. "Eh, it's only Anthr¾ hey, wait a sec!" Before I could move away, she'd tucked the remaining mitten beneath her arm and grabbed onto my right wrist, dragged it up into view. "What happened to your hand? Ryuuen? Why's it all wrapped up??"

I ripped my hand away, more out of reflex than anything else, and was really surprised when it slipped out of her fingers with almost ridiculous ease. It was so easy, in fact, that I went crashing backwards from the movement, lost my balance completely--and slammed my back up against the door. And then wham, my head hit into the metal and everything went wobbly for a second.

Immediately, there was the muffled squeak of a chair being pushed back, followed by the thud of footsteps and the squeak-slam of the Out Door flying open. "Ohhhh my God, are you okay??"

I lifted my bandaged hand, touched gingerly at the back of my skull…and winced. Ouch. Well, there wasn't a lump there, yet, but there sure as hell would be soon. Shaking my head to clear it, I turned, and was just in time to see Doug the Security Guard reaching towards me with both hands, apparently planning on helping me back into something of a more stable standing position—

It was weird, but ever since grade school, I'd never been able to stand being touched. It wasn't that I didn't like being close to people, or that I didn't want to be hugged or held or to have someone pat my shoulder or something, but…I don't know. It seemed like more of a physical response than a mental one. I just…shied away from being touched.

Wanting to avoid another scene (and another lump, for that matter), I stuck my hand out to the side, palm outward, and thus made it pretty impossible for him to get any closer. From the look of confusion that flickered onto his face, I guessed he didn't understand…but, that was okay. I doubted Stephanie did either, even after she'd seen a pretty damn good example of the Ryuuen Doesn't Like To Be Touched doctrine in action a few months ago, when we first met.

"I-I'm fine," I managed. Hand still out, I pushed myself into a better standing position, then carefully brought in the hand and touched again at my head. "Sorry, I…I guess I overreacted."

Doug frowned—and, I couldn't help but think that he looked a lot like a beach bum in guard's clothing—and put his hands sternly on his hips. "Just a little, Ryuuen! You really ought to be more careful."

Stephanie, meanwhile, was staring at me with wide eyes, all traces of her usual bubbliness vanished as if it'd never been there at all. The fuzzy glove still hung limply from beneath her arm. "Ryuuen, are you all right?" she asked in a low, tense voice. "You hit that door hard enough to fracture something. You're not experiencing any dizziness, are you?"

Doug and I both blinked, turned to stare at her…and Stephanie went absolutely white. "I-I…I mean…" And, then, zzzzap, the bubbles sprang back into her face, and she cocked her head to the side and squeaked, "I mean, like, God, Ree-yuuen, don't be such a spazz or you're gonna crack your head open!"

I frowned. Must've hit that door harder than I thought… "I'm okay," I said slowly, still frowning at Stephanie. And, then, forcing a slight smile: "I've had worse."

Doug gave me a really patronizing isn't-she-brave look, then shrugged and folded his arms over his chest. With the five o'clock shadow and the curly blond hair and the tanned freckles, it was hard not to picture him with a surfboard and two sand-covered bare feet… "Well," he rumbled. "Like I said, you really should be more careful. And, not just here, but everywhere." His eyes narrowed, and he actually wagged his finger at me. "I've seen you coming into the hall late at night, Miss Chou. Walking alone down Forbes Avenue late at night is never a good idea for anyone, least of all a pretty Freshman like yourself. You really shouldn't go without an escort after it gets dark."

Stephanie made a little sound beside me, and I turned just in time to see her launch into a fit of coughing that I suspected was hiding a very unladylike snort.

I raised an eyebrow and turned back to Doug. "Thanks," I said. "I'll keep that in mind. But, anyway, we really have to get to class…"

"Yeah!" Stephanie chimed. "We're reaaaaaally running late, and our prof's a real bitch when we don't get there on time, soooooo, see ya, Doug!"

And, then, she'd grabbed onto my arm and was dragging me towards the door, and all I could do was follow. I was still feeling a little shaky, and my head was starting to throb, but at least the floor was staying where it was supposed to, which was a welcome change from my first concussion, at least. I'd been about twelve, and I still remembered how weird it'd been, trying to walk with the ground rocking up and down like a ship on rough seas, or something. The "seasickness" that'd followed hadn't been a big surprise, either.

But, as luck would have it, I didn't seem to have a concussion this time…which was good, because it was Friday, and damn it, even if I had no semblance of a social life, I liked Fridays. Sometimes I would just go outside and walk around on Friday nights, watch the floods of girls and boys laughing and smoking and drinking. The girls always wore slinky tank tops or skirts hiked up to their thighs, and since it hadn't been above sixty degrees since September, they usually walked from one place to another with their arms crossed over their chests and their teeth chattering and sometimes maybe a boy's arm around their shoulders for warmth. I was kind of fascinated by them, so normal and so beautiful and so vain to be outside in skimpy outfits in the winter time, but it was a bittersweet kind of fascination. Maybe the fascination of a peasant who looks at the king's palace with that longing in his heart, and for a minute, he thinks, Well, what if? What if things had been different?

But, hey, even peasants can't hide in their dreams for too long.

We stepped out onto the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue, were nearly broadsided by a pack of Burger King employees walking really quickly, and then finally settled into a walk and started off for class. Stephanie had let go of my sleeve as soon as we were safely outdoors, and so I was able to shove both hands in my pockets, fend off the frigid weather a little more easily. I really didn't like Pennsylvania winters at all¾ I'd always been a creature of the summer. I mean, not that I went swimming or ran around in tanktops or even really ventured outside all that much when it was warm…but, I was so much happier in the summer, I really was. Maybe it was the sunshine, or the fact that the trees didn't look so naked and dead, anymore…

"We should probably walk a little faster," Stephanie said, her voice breaking into my thoughts. "Bitch or not, Dr. Ernst won't be too happy if we walk in late."

I nodded, drew in a deep breath of the freezing air, and let it out through my nostrils. "Yeah, let's go."

We'd just crossed over Forbes, nearly getting run over by some guy on a bicycle who apparently was too busy peering into the windows at Burger King to be watching the road, and were heading across the quad to Posvar when I heard his voice. It stopped me dead in my tracks, and something colder than the weather lanced into my veins.

"Hello," he said politely.

Oh, great…


I looked up at him, fingers tugging nervously at my scarf, and somehow forced my lips into a smile. "S-Saihitei," I managed. He was standing there looking just as prosperous as ever, dressed in a slimming black suit jacket and a collared blue shirt; his hands were tucked neatly into the pockets of his slacks, and despite the fact that I knew he must be freezing with that thin black coat on, he certainly looked…good. Commanding myself not to blush, I let the smile soften a bit. "Are you on your way to class?"

He gave a small shrug, opened his mouth to speak—

—and was cut off by Stephanie's enthusiastic, "Hello, and who are you?"

Despite myself, I blushed. "Erm, Stephanie, this is Saihitei."

Saihitei blinked at her, looking vaguely frightened for a moment…and, then, he smiled and offered a hand. "Ehh…Saihitei Seishuku. Pleasure to meet you. You are…?"

"Hi!" Steph said brightly, clasping onto his hand like she never planned to let go. "I'm Stephanie Miller, but most people just call me Steph. Whadda people call you for short? 'Cause you suuuuure need something short. Yikes. What a name."

Saihitei gave an uncomfortable smile and peeled his fingers from hers. "Just…Saihitei. People get used to it." And, then, suddenly, his eyes were on me. "Ryuuen. I, ahhh…wanted to ask you something—do you have the time?"

The time? He flags me down on my way to class and endures an introduction to Steph just to ask me what freakin' time it is? What the…?

"The, uh…the time?" I managed.

He nodded. "For me to ask you something?"

Mental head-smack. "Ohhhhhh! I thought you meant the time the time." I lifted my watch, as if that would clear things riiiight up. "Ehehe, sorry. Um…yeah, I guess I have the time."

He moved a little closer to me, which didn't exactly leave me feeling uncomfortable so much as really unsure and uncertain and confused. "I, ahh…would you pleae meet with me tonight?" he asked after a measured pause, his face only about six inches away from my own. "About the Creative Writing assignment? I've been looking things over, and I could really use your help…"

My eyes went wide. "Meet…meet with you…tonight?"

"No, she can't!" Steph squealed suddenly. And, before I could move out the way, she'd slid her arm around my shoulders and was resting the top of her head against my cheek. "She's going with me to a frat party tonight—I was just telling her about it! Honestly, I've spent the last fiiiiive months trying to get this girl to be social, and she's not going to get out of it this time!"

The look that touched Saihitei's face at that left me feeling breathless. "Ah," he said quietly. "Well…ah…tomorrow, then?"

Why does he look so disappointed? It…it just doesn't make sense! If he's gay, he shouldn't be interested in me! If he's not gay, then he has a girlfriend, and he shouldn't be interested in me! So, why does he look like I just dumped him or something??

Goddddddd, men suck.

"Sure," I offered helplessly; Steph's arm was still a weight against my shoulders. "Tomorrow…"

"Well." Saihitei smiled, then, taking a short step backwards from me and sliding his hands back into his pockets. "I'll talk to you later, then, Ryuuen. I wouldn't want you to be late to class on my account."

And, before I could say anything else or even begin to find the words to apologize for the hurt I'd somehow caused this man, he'd turned and was walking forlornly away.

"Good, um…goodbye," I called belatedly. He must've heard me, though, because he lifted his right hand in farewell…and, then, he stepped out onto the sidewalk by Forbes Avenue, and vanished around the corner.

~*~Saihitei~*~

Well, I certainly couldn't begrudge her her social life. Ryuuen seemed like the kind of girl who would need to get out once in a while, though she had looked less than happy at her friend's announcement concerning the party.

I could wait until the next day. I could be patient. Patience was one of my best virtues.

One of the hardest things I have ever done was to turn and walk away that day. Given a second chance, would I have stayed, pleaded, insisted that she meet with me? It is certainly what I desired. To deal with something like this alone was eating me alive; if only I could run back to her, class or no class, plans or no plans, and beg her to listen…

But my self-control had always been stronger than that. It was how I'd survived this long. So I kept my eyes focused on the street in front of me, and let my worries slide into the darkness.