Timeframe: season 3, "I am Unicorn" to "Pot O' Gold"
Chapter summary: Introduction of Kurt Hummel
Rating: K

Bildungsromance - PART I

2.

"Kurt, please, just come out. I'm really sorry, okay? Just...come on. You can't hide in there for ever."

"Why not?"

"Because this is the girls' bathroom, Kurt. Sooner or later someone's going to want to use it."

Kurt took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he let it out. He could feel that his face was still flushed with humiliation, but at least his eyes had stopped watering. This was nothing, he told himself. Nothing he hadn't been through before. The jokes, the laughter. But it had come from inside the Glee club this time, from people he loved and trusted, and that had made it hurt just a little more than usual. He squared his shoulders and put on a determined look. If they insisted on acting like the rest of the school, he'd give them the face he showed the jocks- the mask that hid how he really felt. He pushed open the door of the stall and looked into the teary-eyed face of Rachel Berry. She was still wearing her Juliet dress and her level of distress seemed more befitting the third act than the one she had prepared.

"I shouldn't have laughed, Kurt. I'm really, really sorry," she said again. "It was just a weird situation, I mean, I know as an actress I should be able to play any part, but-"

"Please don't make this about you, Rachel," Kurt interrupted her. "It was me. If I had been able to realistically portray a heterosexual man, you would have let me kiss you. It doesn't matter. Clearly I don't have what it takes."

"But I want us to be in this together!" Rachel protested. "You're my best friend."

"But I'm not your Tony."

Rachel looked a little taken aback, but didn't argue. "I'm sure there's another part for you," she started carefully. "Maybe one of the Jets or officer-"

"Krupke? Sure. We already know I can make the audience laugh, right?"

"Kurt..."

Kurt shrugged. "It's okay, Rachel. Really. I'll just have to find something else to put on my resume for NYADA. Like becoming senior class president." He reached for his phone and looked at the time. "I should get home. My dad's at the shop. Maybe I can still catch him before he orders pizza for himself and Finn again."

"Oh! Great idea. I'll come too!" Rachel quickly offered. The look on her face clearly told Kurt she was worried about Burt Hummel's wrath when he heard about the auditions, but he wasn't going to tell his dad about this humiliation or her part in it. It would only upset him and that was bad for his heart. Still, he hoped that his dad would be able to make him feel better even if he only told him a glossy version of the truth. He could really use some of that unconditional parental love right now.

"Would you mind reading for Tony?"

Kurt saw the dilemma in his boyfriend's eyes. He knew how much Blaine enjoyed being in the spotlight. He also knew that he hadn't exactly been welcomed by the rest of Glee club. Getting the lead in their musical would feel like an endorsement of his transfer, and maybe it would also give him back a little bit of that Warbler front man glamour. But Blaine was a junior, and he knew how badly Kurt wanted the part. Kurt hadn't told him all the details of his audition. Clearly Blaine was hesitating because he still felt Kurt had a shot at it, and he didn't want to ruin that. But then why had he sung a Tony song in the first place? It was all coming together like one big conspiracy; Brittany suddenly running for president too, Blaine blowing the casting jury away with his audition... it felt like first year gym class all over again, and Kurt was the last one to be picked. No one wanted him on their team. He quickly left the auditorium, not wanting to see Blaine or Rachel or anyone right now. He needed to regroup and build himself up again like he had done so many times already- preferably before anyone saw how much it affected him. It was petty to be jealous of Blaine; he had really killed his audition and he was the best Tony their group had to offer. If Kurt was honest, he even thought Brittany had a point by wanting a female class president after a long row of jocks who had gotten the title as an popularity extension to their being prom king. It was just that he needed the extracurricular credits so badly, and he had really hoped to finally win a place in the spotlight in his senior year- an actual theater spotlight, one that wasn't just a search ray for slushy target practice. He managed to reach his car before breaking down. There, in the privacy of his Navigator, he let his tears flow freely, knowing there were tissues and concealer in the glove compartment. It wasn't the first time he had needed them. After giving himself a few minutes to let it all out, he gave himself a stern look in the rear view mirror, put his favourite music on, and drove home.

It took him a few days, in which (much to his credit) Blaine left him alone while he could have been telling him all about his reading for Tony with the other favourite, Rachel, but after that cooling-off period, Kurt felt like he had a grip on his world again. Blaine still loved him (he texted him goodnight every evening, reminding him that he was there if Kurt needed him) and Brittany, well, he was just going to have to campaign harder to win against her. It was a challenge, but not impossible. After all, they had a debate coming up. How was she ever going to compete with him there?

Feeling much better about himself, Kurt went to find his boyfriend. He found him on the staircase where they had once confronted Karofsky together. He gave Blaine the roses he had brought, serving both as an apology for feeling jealous and as a sign of his affection. Blaine accepted them happily, and for a moment Kurt thought he might be kissed. But Blaine hesitated, giving the students around them a shy and nervous look, and clasped his shoulder instead. Kurt squashed the disappointment inside his chest as soon as it rose up. He understood why Blaine had difficulties with PDAs. He was still new at McKinley, a school with a reputation for being violent against its gay students, and he had had some bad experiences with homophobia before he transferred to Dalton. Kurt still hoped that he'd get over that one day. Karofsky had transferred and the others tended to stick to slushies without their ringleader. Slushies would be worth it if he would get the chance to walk down the hallway hand in hand with his boyfriend. But Blaine wasn't ready yet, not outside Glee club. Kurt was just going to have to be patient. For now, what he saw in Blaine's eyes was good enough.

"Kurt? If you dice those any further we'll have ketchup."

Carole's voice woke Kurt from his trance and he looked down on the tomatoes he was cutting. The cutting board looked like a crime scene. He was lucky he hadn't diced his fingers along with the vegetables. He carefully put the knife down.

"I'm sorry, Carole. I just...have a lot on my mind."

"Is it the musical? Finn said Rachel and Blaine got the leads," Carole tried carefully, but Kurt quickly shook his head.

"I'm glad Blaine got the part. He deserves it."

He sighed and hesitated a little. Ever since he was eight, his father had been the person in his life whom he went to when something bothered him. Burt didn't always understand what Kurt was talking about, but he always tried to help his son. As he grew older, Kurt saw the effects this had on his father; the frustration and later, the worry on his face when Kurt told him about the things that happened at school. He knew how upset his father could get and how dangerous that was. So, for a long time, he tried shouldering everything by himself. He started doing his own laundry so he could hide the slushy and dumpster stains on his clothes more easily (telling his father it was because he didn't trust him with his angora sweaters), he made sure to lock the door of the bathroom when he showered so his dad wouldn't see the bruises on his back and shoulders caused by the locker slams, and he made sure to clean up his stories before talking about school, featuring Glee club in most of them because it was a safe topic. But things escalated and Burt found out after all, and having to admit that he had been lying to his father had been even worse than having to leave McKinley. Burt made Kurt promise to always tell him the truth, no matter how bad it was - so Kurt had learned the art of omission. But sometimes the need to talk was so strong that he had to turn to someone else; the closest person he had to a mother, Carole. He felt guilty about that every single time- not just because of his father, but because of his real mother, too. It felt like he was replacing her. But with his father's health as it was, it was really the lesser of evils if he wanted to talk about what was on his mind. Kurt looked up from the tomatoes into Carole's face.

"Both Brittany and Rachel are running against me for senior class president now and there's a new kid in Glee club with a really strong voice and an amazing falsetto which means I am not gonna win the election or any solos this year so basically my entire NYADA application is down the drain and-"

He stopped himself and huffed out a breath. "Never mind. It's just school stuff, it's okay."

Carole shook her head and took the cutting board from him. "So are these the girls or the new kid?" she asked with a grin as she dumped the tomato slush into the frying pan. Kurt smiled self-consciously. He hadn't really thought of anyone while handling the knife, but he had clearly vented his frustration on the poor veggies.

"I don't get it though," Carole continued. "I thought Brittany was your campaign manager. And didn't Rachel come over the other day to make those buttons with you?"

"Yeah, I know," Kurt replied. "But I guess they both decided that they wanted more. Rachel's just doing it for the credit and Brittany...I don't even know. I think she's gotten it into her head that she gets her own white house and two cocker-spaniels when she wins."

Carole chuckled and shook her head. She took up a frying spoon and tuned up the heat under the pan. "So when's the election?"

"Two weeks from now."

Carole smiled at her step-son. "So, plenty of time to get people on your side, right? You gotta think like a president, Kurt. You know how the candidates are always shaking hands up to the very last minute trying to sway the voters? Don't give up now just because those girls can be push-overs...between the two of us, Kurt, especially Rachel," Carole added with an air of confidentiality. "And the same goes for those solos. If the new kid's good, practice and be better. You've never backed down from a challenge before. After all, you've even trying to teach me how to cook!"

"Yeah, about that, Carole- you need to stir or our ketchup's gonna burn." Kurt smiled fondly as Carole turned back to the pan and started stirring vigorously. He wondered how Finn ever grew so tall on the food Carole made. Apart from his dad, she was about the worst cook he had ever seen. But she was trying, and that was what mattered. It was also exactly what he had to do. Despite everything, he was Kurt Hummel, and he wasn't about to give up now.