ii.

She doesn't allow anybody to visit her but her Aunt Kya, at first.

Not her parents, not Opal or Korra or any of her siblings. She doesn't think she can handle seeing them; she knows they'll pity her, look at her with nothing but sadness, treat her like she was about to fall apart.

And maybe she was, she couldn't quite tell, because there was this numbness in her chest that swelled and swelled and swallowed her whole, and her mind still felt fuzzy all the time so Jinora thinks that if her Aunt Kya wasn't there sitting with her all the time she might have accidentally stopped breathing without even realizing it. What scares her, just a little, is that she wouldn't really care if she did.

But Aunt Kya is a welcome guest. She acts…normal. When she walks in she gives a gentle smile, cerulean eyes kind, and while she's always asking how she's feeling it's nothing out of the ordinary from any other time, because she always did even before this, and while Jinora would rather be alone she appreciates her company over anyone else's. Aunt Kya always has interesting stories to tell about her long years of travel around the world; it pulls Jinora's mind from the darkness for at least a little bit, though she doesn't say anything back, and Kya seems to know what she's doing. She doesn't say anything about it but Jinora can see the concern in her eyes, the way she sometimes looks at her when it's time for another healing session to try and help her regain the nerve-function in her leg until Gran Gran arrived from the South Pole.

Jinora doubts anything will work, though. And it's really not her biggest problem anymore.

Her leg feels odd. A weight that holds her down. There is feeling around her knee, but it's like pins and needles all the time, fuzzy like her head, like her leg was on the verge of falling asleep. She hates it; she kind of wants it gone completely, but at the same time really doesn't. When Jinora tells her Aunt Kya, voice flat: "Maybe we should just amputate it, get rid of the problem," she looks up at her with wide eyes, lips parted, but doesn't say anything. Doesn't know what to say, maybe.

She doesn't understand it, none of them do: they don't understand what it's like to wake up one day and suddenly one part of you is dead and it's just there and you can't do anything about it.

Korra would understand, though, on some level. After everything she's been through after her battle with Zaheer, learning how to walk again, finding herself. Her paralysis wasn't permanent, just extensive damage, but she knew what this feeling was like. Somehow, though, Jinora can't bring herself to ask to see her and she's not sure why. Maybe it's because she doesn't want her to open the doors to those memories again. She doesn't want Korra to be upset, after seeing all that her trauma did to her, doesn't want her to lose herself again. Maybe Jinora just didn't want help at all, she didn't deserve it.

"Here sweetie," Aunt Kya says, entering the room with a glass of water. Jinora is sitting up in her bed, legs and waist covered by a thin blanket. Her head still aches, like her neck, but it's dull and hardly noticeable. It's not on fire anymore, neither is her thigh, thanks to a day of healing when she got back to the island that she was unconscious for. "You could use something to drink. Don't want to dehydrate yourself."

Jinora takes it when she hands it over but doesn't say anything. She doesn't smile, doesn't know if she can: certainly doesn't want to. Without - without him around, there's really no reason to. No way that she can. She wants him here, needs him here, but he's not. Never will be. His absence feels wrong and it's huge and impossible to ignore and Jinora hates it.

Kya sits down on the chair beside her, near the window, hands in her lap. She's watching her, careful, but she doesn't look pitying. Jinora raises her arm to drink her water; it's freezing on her throat, but she likes it, because her leg she can't really feel anything anymore. "Your mom and dad really want to see you, you know."

She looks over at her, shifts awkwardly, not sure what to say.

"They were in your room the whole time you were unconscious last night, didn't leave your side until we had to make room to heal you," Kya says, "your siblings, too. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep them out. You know Meelo, Ikki and your father and their wild tempers. You mom," she whistles, shakes her head a bit, "tiny thing is force to be reckoned with when it comes to her kids."

"I want to see them," Jinora says, slow, a little unsure. "I miss them. I just…I just don't want them to look at me any differently."

"Why do you think they'd do that?"

"My leg, for starters…And because I killed him." The answer comes so easily, passes dry lips not a moment after Kya asks. Jinora can't get herself to say his name though, can't even think it. Kya freezes, mouth open, so she continues speaking. "I got him involved and I couldn't protect him. I'm an airbending master and I let a couple of bandits beat me around and get the better of me, so now he's gone."

"Jinora-"

"I should be dead, right? That's what you said to my parents, I heard it." She puts the water on the bedside table, hands shaking. "Why do I get to live but he doesn't? How is that fair at all?"

There's a short moment of silence before Kya stands, moves to sit at the edge of Jinora's bed. She grabs one of her tattooed hands, squeezes; a physical comfort that is meant to help placate her, make her feel better. Jinora flinches, wants to move away but unsure why, so her aunt holds her hand tighter, looks her dead in the eyes. "It's not. We find in life that things like this are always unfair, no matter which way you look at it. I know what it's like to feel what you're feeling. To lose somebody you love. I lost my wife when you were just a baby."

Jinora doesn't say anything, sits feeling small and helpless and curious. One of Aunt Kya's hands goes to her betrothal necklace, dark fingers fiddling with it, and there's a tiny, tiny tug that pulls her lips into a smile. She can see a revival of happy memories in her eyes, can see the love there. "This guilt that you're feeling, Jinora, it sneaks up on you and then hits you all at once. It'll eat at you from the inside out. It's the worst kind of punishment, the most evil form of manipulation, but it won't destroy you. It'll leave you a mangled mess of a person instead."

She pauses, takes a deep breath, as if she was remembering what it was like to feel it. "That's why you have to be strong. Kai made the decision to go on that mission on his own. You should know that it isn't your fault. If you keep blaming yourself because of 'what ifs' you can't make amends with what happened and you never will. It'll never really go away, but it just makes it a little easier to live with."

"How long did it take you?" Jinora asks, looking down at their hands. "To…to accept it?"

Kya stares, considering. She speaks honestly, which Jinora appreciates. "A while. It's not easy, but I had my family to help me get through it. You do too, just beyond this door. And Korra - spirits, that girl wants to help. She almost burnt down one of the pagoda's when I told her you didn't want to see anyone just yet."

Jinora bites at her bottom lip. It's still split, from when that man punched her. None of the healers thought it was first priority, all things considered. "I want to see them now, though," she says. Kya smiles, nods, but before she gets up to leave she presses a soft kiss to the top of Jinora's head. When she exits the room she leaves the door open. Jinora can hear her talking, and not a moment later does Pema rush in, tears on her face, and gathers her into her arms. She falls into them easily, it's familiar and full of motherly love, but she doesn't cry. Doesn't feel any better.

She wants it to be him; because whenever he has his arms around her, the whole world just disappears.

interlude.

She's standing with her hands clenched in fists as her sides, a grimace on her face, and Kai knows he's in a world of trouble before she even opens her mouth. Jinora was always so calm, collected, rarely had he seen her lose her temper. But when she did, it came in a short, frightening burst.

"You told MEELO?"

Kai scratches the back of his head, gives her a sheepish smile. Jinora glares at him, brown eyes narrowed. He swallows thickly, trying to figure some way that he can talk his way out of this one. "Uh…no?"

"Don't lie!" Jinora huffs, "he's been talking about it all morning. It took me an hour to get him to shut up without risking him telling my dad anything."

"It's not really that big of a deal, Jin." He says, shrugs broadening shoulders. Kai winces at her grimace, talks quickly before she could do anything, because he's positive she could possibly make him disappear without a trace if she really wants to. "I didn't have a choice! The kid is evil, he had me cornered! He knew before I told him anything."

He sees Jinora's shoulders visibly relax in resignation and breathes a quiet sigh of relief. "If my dad ever finds out that we snuck off the island he might actually have a heart attack." She says, sighing, "but I told Meelo I'd do his chores for a month if he kept his big mouth shut. We just have to make sure Ikki doesn't find out."

Kai's signature guilty smile comes back. "Well..about that…"

"Kai!"

"I can't believe that your dad let us go!"

Kai really can't believe it. It's a real life miracle, he thinks, because Master Tenzin has had it out for him ever since he found out Kai and Jinora were seeing each other. Glares at the dinner table if he ever sits too close, cheeks burning red if he sees Kai put his arm around his waist. He knows that it's not on his personal agenda to destroy Kai's relationship with his daughter, because they got along just fine on their own. He's just being a dad. It was annoying sometimes, sure, but he understood it.

Usually Tenzin denied Jinora permission to go out to Republic City with Kai, alone. But they were seventeen and eighteen respectively, now, desperate to go out to see a mover and get some dinner and have some privacy away from her crazy siblings. So Kai had asked, watched as Pema nudged him sharply in the ribs, and was thoroughly surprised to hear him confirm.

"I know," Jinora says, smiling, "are you sure you didn't slip any cactus juice in his tea this morning?"

He laughs, throws his head back with a bright smile, and swings their hands in between them. Their fingers interlocked, tight. No matter how many times Kai has held Jinora's hand his skin still gets all tingly and weird - but weird in a good way: he loves it. So he always tries to hold it whenever he can. "I didn't, I promise!" He says with a laugh, "though I think I just might have to do that when I ask him to marry you."

Whoops.

They both freeze at the same time, just underneath Avatar Korra's statue in the park. Jinora is looking at him with bright pink cheeks and big wide eyes, lips parted in evident surprise. She looks speechless. Kai seizes up immediately, retracts his hand to rub at the back of his neck. A stupid, nervous habit.

"Did I say marry you?" He asks, voice teetering up and cracking, just a little. His lips pull up into a sheepish smile, his face and ears burning an embarrassing red. "I mean - ha, well I meant when I ask him to…when I ask him to…carry you to..the beach! Carry you to the beach so I can throw you in the water." Kai blurts out. Jinora's eyebrows raise, but he rambles on before she can say anything. "Ha, marry, that's funny! I don't know why I said that! We're waay too young to get married yet anyway -"

Spirits. If he had only been an earthbender he could at least get the ground to swallow him up before he said something to make this situation even worse or more awkward than it already was.

Kai slaps a hand to his forehead, runs his fingers through his wild hair. "Can we forget I ever said anything?"

"I don't want to," Jinora says. When he looks up she's smiling at him, blushing still, amusement and love in her eyes. He could get lost in them, wouldn't have minded it if he did. Green eyes widen in shock, heart hammering against his chest. "You want to…" she clears her throat, "you want to marry me one day?"

He can't believe she's even asking. Can't believe how surprised she seems, like she doubts he would even consider it, when he knows that she knows his love for her was unconditional - everlasting, permanent. Kai was young, but he had loved her since they were kids. He just didn't know it then. So he turns kind of serious, grabs both of her hands in his own again, his lips in a crooked grin. "Of course I do Jinora," he says, "I've pretty much always known that."

Kai would probably marry her right then and there if he could. But he doesn't say that. Instead: "You know those days where sometimes you sneak into my room at night when you can't sleep?" He asks, and she nods, her blush growing darker. It's adorable. "And in the mornings we just lay there in each other's arms and talk for a while before you have to go back? Well…one day in the future I want to do that every morning with you."

Jinora doesn't say anything, but Kai swears he sees her eyes shine with unshed tears. She pulls her hands from his, cups his face, and reaches up on her toes to press her lips to his. Her lips are soft and familiar and she tastes like farmstead apples. He wants to kiss her forever if that means he'll get to press her body to his, tangle his fingers in her hair, hold her until they're both breathless. When they part, he keeps her close to him, their foreheads touch and warm breath mingles. Kai loves every second.

"One day," she whispers. A shy smile, flushed cheeks.

He nods, smiles back. "One day."

He can't wait.