Tony's anger had overwhelmed him for hours. And now that he was alone, he began to think about the day's events. He felt cheated by his superiors. He was totally out of control of everything that was going on. He felt betrayed by Michelle Lee. And Ziva. She knew exactly knew which buttons to press. How could she go on about following orders when she hardly did it herself? After all, wasn't she the first one to engage? After that there was no turning back, and now they were both going to suffer the consequences. All because of her freaking "reflexes".
"Gunshot went off. I saw you—" He knew she wasn't right. But he also knew she wasn't wrong. He thought back to the moment in the closet. They were so close. Looking down at her, he could have kissed her then and there. He could feel the tension in the air in those seconds they spent staring at one another. It had taken every ounce of strength within in him not to do so. Had Gibbs not been listening, had the mission not been so vital… would he have done it? Did she want it?
Ziva had said so many times that he'd never understand. But he did. He did want a real relationship. It scared him to death; his last commitment to a woman had struck a blow to his career, to his mind, to his heart. Even now Tony wondered if she had truly loved him like she thought he did. It was his first real commitment to a woman, yet she was also an undercover assignment. How could he let himself be so stupid? The more he thought about it, the more he realized what a fool he had been to believe it could have ended any other way. But it wouldn't happen again. It couldn't.
"I can't make another mistake like that again," Tony said to his empty apartment. "Especially not with…" he let his voice trail off into the nothingness that surrounded him. Ziva was right. He thought about soulmates every time he looked at her, thought about her. Tony thought over her every move, her every glance his way. A spark of light flowed through his heart. He wanted to be with her. Ziva.
Jeanne made him choose. And he didn't choose her. He chose the life he had with NCIS, the people who had become his family. Months later, as he thought about his growing love for his partner, he knew he had made the right choice. Would it ever be worth it?
Tony laughed aloud as he thought of Ziva's reaction to the photos of her that he took in L.A., pinned ever so indiscreetly on his wall on the USS Reagan. He smiled at the time she fell asleep on his shoulder. Their first undercover assignment together. The memories flooded in.
"This is ridiculous," He muttered to himself. The silence seemed to echo his fears. "What am I gonna do?" Gibbs. Gibbs would know what to do. But could he tell him? His strict rules had been one of the many things stopping him over the years from letting himself get too close to Ziva. Was the wrath of his boss worth it? Part of him said no way. But in his heart he knew that if he let this go any longer, he wouldn't be able to concentrate in living at all. He needed her. He needed someone to get it.