Muppet Love 2 : The Fountain of Fairness
There was a time, not so long ago, maybe about 3 years or so, when Ernie's facial hair began to grow. But this is not the time for rhymes, or even the occasion for any of Bert's mimes, so let's get this story started with a shine.
Bert just came home from his accounting job at SSB's (Seasame Street Bank) when he came home upon a sight that could cure sore eyes.
His darling Ernikins.
But of course he wouldn't show his undying love with passionate kisses, instead he cleared his throat rather loudly.
"ACK-HEM!"
No movement, only the faint rustling of pages being turned over.
"This is odd, Ernie never reads. Unless it's SS's BeautyCare Weekly about how to make his nose appear smaller or something along those lines..", thought Bert and he decided to try again.
"ACKKK-HEM!"
But Bert noticed that Ernie's head didn't pop up from behind the stack of books on a table to greet him at all. Adding to his annoyance was that particular table Ernie was using, is actually Bert's. Bert tried to control his OCD-ness and managed to ignore the mess on his table.
"ACKKKKK-HEM!"
This time, Ernie's head did pop up and Bert's heart gave in to a fluttering of imaginary butterflies when he saw Ernie's adorable orange face.
"Yes, Bert? You sound like you need some cough syrup."
"Well, that must be because for the past few minutes I've been trying my best to get your attention by clearing my already dry throat."
"Oh dear Bert, this time you managed to sound less sarcastic than you usually are..."
Bert heave a huge sigh.
"Ernie, may I ask what you're doing with all those old maps and books?"
"I'm doing some research on the 'Fountain of Fairness'."
"Well you can stop there and pack up, because Mr-Fairness is standing right here.", said Bert who was puffing out his chest with his arms akimbo.
Bert always prided himself on being a good judge of what is right and what is wrong and although his choice in clothing always disproves this, Ernie usually just nods his head and try to irritate Bert about his other 'good' points.
"No, Bert. This is Mr Orange-Skin talking to Mr Yellow-Skin. My Fountain of Fairness is from the well-known legends. The one where Ms Piggy found while taking a stroll in the infamous Labyrinth of the Snuffaluffagus with the Count, who tamed Snuff and when Ms Piggy was admiring a zit on her chin in the reflection from the fountain water she fell over and took a drink from the fountain accidentally and she became all fair! Not a pimple since! Don't you remember that legend!?", Ernie said vehemently in one breath.
"Obviously, not. But you forgot to add in that the Count was busy counting and couldn't get after 13 when he realised Ms Piggy trying her best not to sink in from her immense weight. And that he couldn't save her because the fountain had running water but he managed to get Snuff to drag her out."
If Ernie had any eyebrows, it would have been very apparent that one of it would be up.
"Yes, look at her!", said Ernie while gesturing to a poster of Ms Piggy at the premiere of 'Ms Piggy's Guide to Life' which was to Bert's annoyance, an inch of crossing over to his side of the room. "Not a single pore! Or blackhead!"
Bert realised Ernie was getting his day-dreamy look of his and quickly said, "And so? Are you going to tell me you're going to find it? No one has ever found it again! Ms Piggy made it clear that she didn't want anyone in Sesame Street to have the same flawless face and forced the Count to conjure a really hungry monster to guard it! Anyone who has ever dared to enter, never left to tell the story!"
"Ah Bert, you're too pessimistic. That's why you've got me to balance your 'yin'."
"Well, would you like to show me how exactly you balance it?", Bert said with his brow-gina rising up to fuse with his hairline and a grin.
"Ha ha, Bert. You're not getting any unless you come with me. Your skin is looking more and more like an over-riped banana with those blackheads for black marks. Hurry along and help pack."
"What!? Really?!", came Bert's immediate reply and to Ernie's satisfaction he saw that Bert ran to the mirror to check out his face.
"Oh yes and after you're done, bring along the batch of cookies we baked yesterday. I want your 'B' shaped ones, Bert!"
The next day after Bert called the bank to take leave, both of them set out to find the mysterious fountain.
They were walking along a back alley when they heard a muffled shouting near a dumpster.
"LET ME OUT, YOU BUNCH OF GOOD-FOR-NOTHING OAFS!"
Both of them ran to the dustbin that was making the noise and they found some duct-tape wrapped around the bottom of the bin to the top many times.
Bert gave an almighty 'HAIYAH!' and judo-chopped the tape and amazingly it tore open. Ernie gave Bert a misty-eyed look of love and admiration while Bert was muttering, "It was nothing. I learnt it during my stint in the Marine Corps.", while simultaneously not looking like it-was-nothing and puffing out his chest.
"Will you two stop it already, my face's turning green from your bro-mance.", said Dude-in-the-bin.
They guilty looked away and back at their rescued bin-hogger.
"Well, your face's already green, Oscar.", Bert said solemnly.
Ernie bursted out with peals of laughter.
"And I didn't know you had a sense of humour, Bert."
Bert ignored him and went on to make introductions. "Ernie, this is Oscar the Grou-AHEM. And Oscar, this is Ernie."
"No almost blurting out my nickname when you're one too!" Oscar exclaimed, much to Ernie's continual amusement.
Oscar's furry brown eyebrows furrowed into a tight "V" and Ernie clapped his 4 finger-hands over his mouth. Oscar told them how he got bullied by Baby Bear and his friends. Apparently they smacked the lid on Oscar's head, which knocked him out and when he gained consciousness later, he couldn't get out of the bin.
After Oscar's low and highly reluctant murmur of thanks, they left the alley and continued on their way.
They've been walking around the Sesame Street Park for almost an hour when Bert noticed that Ernie has been reading the map upside-down. After getting into a huge argument which involved throwing insults at each other about an East-to-West mouth and an oblong-shaped nose, Bert couldn't take the pointless arguing anymore.
"Oh let's just ask that guy in red for directions!", exclaimed Bert with impatience.
"What's he doing taking a goldfish in a bowl out for a walk? No Bert, that guy seems so queer."
"And you're wondering why we're holding hands?", said Bert with one side of his eyebrow up like a straight-line graph with a positive gradient.
"That's true..Hey! Could you give us the directions to the ABC Walkway?"
The guy in red turned and to their amazement he was wearing nothing but a set of stylish sunglasses perched not on eyes but a bright orange nose. He walked coolly to them, all the while balancing the fishbowl on one hand.
"Are..are you...", Ernie took a gulp and swallowed hard.
"Elmo?", completed Bert.
"Ah yes. The one that all the ladies fawn over. Oh, Ernie is that you? Haven't seen you in ages since the auditions for the segment of Sesame Street featuring me and Dorothy. Too bad now I'm famous and you're...stuck with a guy with a funny fashion sense."
Ernie hated Elmo for getting the role and even more so now when he insulted his beloved Bert.
"Well at least he's not a nudist like you! I can't even see where your-"
"My heavenly Elmo, please could you tell us where we can find the Walkway?", Bert quickly cut in before Ernie got any further. He knew Elmo had connections and knew the place well.
"Hmm...Let me see. Since you talked reasonably, I shall bestow you a song with my lovely voice. LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, ELMO'S WORLD!"
Bert turned to Ernie and whispered, "Just bear with it, Erns!"
Much to Bert's relief, Ernie calmly looked away to a frog going 'ker-mit!' on a lily pad in the pond behind Elmo and fixated a death-dying stare there for the next few agonizing minutes.
After a while, Elmo finished his song and cleared his throat.
"Alright, now with that done, let's just ask Dorothy, alright?"
"WHAT! ARE YOU TELLING ME WE'RE GOING TO GET DIRECTIONS FROM A...A GOLDFISH!!!?", shouted Ernie.
"It's Dorothy, my dear orange friend.", said Elmo with a sneer. "And if you watched my show, I always ask her for advice. I can tell you, she gives much better ones than that lousy Mr Noodle. Now Dorothy, do you know where's the place Bert is asking for?"
The fat goldfish just swam around the fishbowl.
"Okay, here goes. Dorothy says you just have to walk 10 minutes straight to the north, past the pond behind me and you'll find the Walkway. And you have to be careful, the monster in the labyrinth was part of my nudist community in the past, right before he got the job to guard the labyrinth. I have to tell you, he's not someone to mess around with."
After saying their thanks, they managed to escape out of getting sung another verse of 'Elmo's World' by Elmo himself.
Ten minutes later they arrived on the walkway and started following the path. Ernie had told Bert earlier that they need only to follow the path to get to the entrance of the labyrinth.
POOF!
"OMG! IT'S THE COUNT!", screamed Ernie and leaped into Bert's arms.
"Well, you're the one who wanted the mission. You should know the dangers we'd be facing.."
"Couldn't you just think I was finding an excuse to be closer to you!"
"'HEM!"
Both of them turned to the Count and said, "Yes?"
"If you're dunn' arguing, pleaze let me know."
"We're not! We're just having a lover's spat!", said Bert defensively.
"And in vat vay is dart 'ifferent?", said the Count nonchalantly while at the same time polishing his eye-glass.
"Anyway! What are you doing here? You can't just do your batty-appearing thing and scare muppets in broad daylight!", squeaked Ernie, eager to change the topic.
"Iz it broad day'ight? I only z dee loovely moon."
To Ernie's dismay, he only just realised it's dark already. It was only because the Walkway was sheltered by rows of trees around them and there were lamps along the walkway that they didn't notice the sun setting an hour before that.
"You don't eff to worry, I'm just 'ear to tell you my warnings. Dooo not enter, own-lee at your own per-ril."
"What's wrong with your accent?", Ernie ask impolitely.
"It'z a Romanian azzent, you noot(nut)!"
"I thought you're from Transylvannia?"
"Oh my god, Ernie! Transylvannia is IN Romania!!!", Bert said in an extremely offended voice, as if anyone who didn't know that deserved to be called a 'noot' too.
"ARGH! Shoot oop you two bickering noots! Just heed my warnings!", shouted Dracula and with that he vanished again with a POOF!
Ernie and Bert looked at each other and shrugged. They continued to walk and finally reached the entrance to the labyrinth. Ernie had managed to get a rough idea of the layout of the labyrinth from different accounts, although Bert said before that that no one had left to tell the story. They followed Ernie's map closely.
A few times they got very lost and it was all thanks to Bert having the great idea to have brought a pencil did they manage to trace back their path which Bert would landmark every few steps into the labyrinth. After a while, they started to hear a rumbling sound. Little did they know it would be something monstrous.
They decided to follow the rumbling sound and to their joy they've reached the centre of the labyrinth where the Fountain was fabled to be! And right in front of it was...
"The monster!", croaked Ernie in a half-choked voice.
The huge monster, who frankly looked quite mentally-challenged with his eyes staring at different angles on a too-small head attached to a much too-large body, was staring hungrily (if it could be that he was actually staring at them) at Bert and Ernie.
"MUNCH MUNCH FOR ME??"
"Er..munch munch? No, sorry, no munch for you!", shouted Ernie back guiltily.
"AWW!!! NO MUNCH MUNCH FOR MONSTER, MONSTER MUNCH YOU!", bellowed the blue monster and he thundered angrily towards them, all the while with his humongous tummy rumbling.
"How can he be hungry if his love-handles are so thick!?", Ernie shouted to Bert.
"How would I know that! And Ernie! Just throw him the last 'B'-shaped cookie! I know you saved it for later!"
They were both running hard back into the labyrinth to get away from the blue monster. Bert, whose legs were longer than Ernie, was dragging him along, gasping for breath and begging Ernie to give the Monster a 'MUNCH'.
"But you made it for me!!"
"SO!? Do you want to get eaten or do you want a zit-free face forever!", reasoned Bert.
Ernie always took Bert's reasoning very seriously and so, after taking another two turns in the labyrinth, Ernie made up his mind and dug in his pockets for the last cookie.
They put a full-stop to the chase and Bert called, "Hey Monster, here's a cookie for you! Just let us pass please!!!"
"MUNCH MUNCH?"
"Yes!"
Ernie threw the cookie and the Monster caught the cookie flying in mid-air. The Monster stood aside munching the cookie like he had Mad-Muppet-Disease while Ernie and Bert walked quickly past him. They reached the fountain and while brushing cookie crumbs off his shirt fastidiously, Bert said, "You have a good throwing arm, Ernikins."
"And you have a very sexy diplomatic voice, Bertie.", and Ernie, eager to get everlasting pore-less skin said, "Let's drink!"
They both took huge scoops with their hands and drank deeply.
After a few minutes of waiting, "Oh Bert! Is my skin as fair as Ms Piggy's yet? Not anymore of the orange-tint??"
"Er no, but I noticed that the pimple that was on the middle of your nose is gone. How about me? Less yellow and more beige?"
Ernie shook his head in frustration. He sat down on the ground.
"Oh no...", Bert said.
"What?"
"Ernie, did you actually read anywhere that this Fountain of Fairness is supposed to be about getting a porcelain face with no pimples forever?"
"Er..no..."
"WHAT!?"
"Well, they said 'fair', so I assumed would be beige-fair. Your yellow skin doesn't look too sickly-yellow like before though. It seems fairer. Perhaps this is what it means?", Ernie suggested.
"Yes, I should think so..Look here!", Bert said while pointing to an etching on the side of the fountain.
"WARNING: FOUNTAIN WATER WILL NOT TURN DRINKER'S FACE INTO BEIGE-FAIR BUT A FEW SHADES LIGHTER OF YOUR ORIGINAL SKIN COLOUR. AND A WHOLE LOT LESS PIMPLY. ALSO, MORE GULPS DOES NOT EQUATE TO THIS WARNING NOT BEING TRUE. JUST GET A SIP AND LEAVE.", recited Ernie.
"Who would leave such annoying warnings?", Bert said.
"I don't know, but at least our acne days are over. Hope it extends to my Bacne and Chacne problems.", replied Ernie.
"If it doesn't, I'll be more than happy to slather some acne cream on your back and chest for you, Erns."
They were looking into each other eyes when they noticed the Cookie Monster was back.
"ORANGE AND YELLOW BOY DRANK THE WATER. NOW MONSTER SEND YOU OUT."
"Okay, thanks Cooks.", said Ernie.
"COOKS??"
"Please don't tell me you've decided to name the monster with a nickname of 'Cooks'...", grumbled Bert while rolling his eyes.
Ernie just puckered up his non-existent lips and followed the Cookie Monster out with Bert right behind..
So this ends the story of Bert and Ernie's first quest, and I'm sure ending it here is for the best, because there's always time for another test, of the two faithful muppet's relationship strength.