Chapter 2: Freaky Friday
Regina stormed into her house causing Hook to back peddle on his heels. Regina slammed the door so hard the pictures on the wall rattled.
"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?" she shouted punctuating her question by poking Hook in the chest.
"Ow," he said slapping her hand away, "That hurts!" Hook rubbed his chest over the tender spot created by the offending digit.
"Stop that this instant," Regina ordered in her most Evil Queen tone.
"What, why?" He responded clearly perplexed as to what he could've done wrong to incite the wrath of the Evil Queen albeit in his body.
"That is my body you are touching," she informed him haughtily, "And I don't like that you are touching it!'
"Really? In case you haven't noticed, love, we've switched bodies and that is what you're concerned about?" Hook replied sarcastically, "Besides you don't see me getting my knickers or rather yours in a twist because you've obviously had to touch MY body."
"Don't remind me," she uttered in disgust, "I would've been here sooner if not for having to deal with your body." Hook stepped closer to Regina eyeing his frame in concern.
"What do you mean," he asked in alarm, "Is there something wrong with me?"
"Yes," the Mayor exclaimed in exasperation, "If you must know, it was very difficult to get dressed in the state you were in this morning." Not getting her cryptic innuendo, Hook impatiently tapped his barefoot against the floor waiting for further explanation. Huffing, Regina continued to try and explain her predicament. "I couldn't get your pants over "it" as it was in a semi-erect state. Not to mention having to use one good hand and a Hook. Do you have any..." Regina couldn't finish her statement due to Hook's eruption of laughter. He was laughing so hard that he was doubled over, his sides aching.
"I don't see what is so funny!" Regina shouted indignantly, "You should be grateful that I didn't march over here completely naked!"
"Ah love," Hook said taking deep breath to quell the waves of laughter still threatening to spill forth, "Was my little Roger Jolly this morning'?"
"I would call that little by any means," she commended offhandedly causing Hook to sputter in sheer disbelief.
"Regina," He stammered, "Did I just hear you correctly?" Hook looked at Regina eyes wide in shock. "Did you just compliment my um, my um..."
"Yes dear," she affirmed with a smirk, "Size matters and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Now can we please get back to the topic at hand?"
"Oh you mean the size of my sails in the morning?" Hook teased.
"Yes you heathen!" Regina retorted, "Can you not exercise any self restraint!"
"Regina love, tis called "morning wood" for a reason and it will most likely be like that each *morning," he said taking pity on the confounded Mayor, "I can't control it anymore than I can control the tides but it usually abates after using the latrine."
"Ah," she replied in understanding, "That must relieve some of the pressure. Good to know."
"You are welcome lass," Hook said smugly. Regina just dismissed his comment with a wave of her hand.
"We need to figure out what is going on," she said brushing by him on the way to her study. Hook trailed behind her plopping unceremoniously onto the couch.
"Someone used magic on us?" He offered in explanation. Regina paced the floors back and forth chewing on her lip while processing his suggestion.
"Magic would most certainly work on you but this house is protected against magic working unless it is mine or Emma's being cast," she countered.
"So what you are saying is that since you were here last night, no one could use magic on you or against you," he summarized.
"Yes, that is correct dear," she responded, "I was here. Maybe you came in contact with someone, what did you do yesterday?" Hook answered her immediately, "I was on the Jolly Roger with my crew for the better part of the day, then in the evening, I had my another date with Swan." Upon mention of his date with Emma, Regina felt her stomach churn at the thought. She was able to attribute the feeling to jealousy but erroneously chalked her feelings of envy over that fact that her love life was so abysmal instead of being envious of Hook getting to go out on a date with Emma.
"How was your date with Ms. Swan," she asked casually.
"It was great," he answered with a dreamy, far off look on his face, "I'm fairly certain that Swan is my happily ever after."
"Get that look off my face," the Mayor said in disdain, "Is all you care about is yourself?" Hook was about to respond but was cut off, "She is smart, she is kind, she is loyal, she is brave...so damn brave and she is so much more than a means to your happy ending!" Regina said vehemently.
"Okay?" he said trying to placate the annoyed Mayor.
"So if you are done driveling over your happy ending, am I to understand you correctly that nothing out of the ordinary occurred to you yesterday?"
"Nothing out of the ordinary occurred to me yesterday," he affirmed
"And it wasn't your birthday nor mine so it couldn't be that either," she sighed in frustration, "Well it could still be magic that was enacted retroactively. But I highly doubt that." At this point, Regina was basically talking to herself since Hook was ignorant of all things magic.
"We need to go to my vault," she said turning her attention back to Hook, "There is a spell we can do to see if we've been effected by anything magical."
"Wait how are we going to do a spell?" Hook wondered.
"Not we, you or rather me," she clarified.
"I have magic?" Hook asked incredulously.
"Magic is in my genetic make up," she explained simply, "So while you inhabit my body, my
DNA, you have magic."
"So if this is a magic, it can be reversed," he said excited at the prospect of getting back into his body where he belonged.
"If it is," she stressed, "Then in theory, there should be a way to counteract it."
"What do we need to do this spell?" Hook questioned.
"Everything we need is in my vault," she reiterated the need to go to her vault.
"Well what are we waiting for," he said springing off the couch making his way towards the door. Regina called after the retreating pirate, "You can not go out as me like that."
"Oh right," Hook said remembering he was still in night clothes, "Wouldn't want to sully your precious reputation by prancing around town in your silk pajamas now would we."
"I do not prance," Regina countered indignantly, "I merely walk with a purpose." She demonstrated said walk by leading the way to her bedroom. There was no way in hell she was going to let a man that dressed leather clothing for all occasions even attempt to clothe her. She grabbed her undergarments, hose, a magenta button down silk blouse, a knee length black pencil skirt and a pair of three inch black high heeled shoes setting them on the bed for Hook to put on.
"I am going to email my assistant so she can reschedule all of my appointments for today so we can take care of our situation," she informed him, "I'll wait for you downstairs." Hook waited until she left before stripping down. He approached the neat stack of clothes with interest. He slid the panties on with ease noting how comfortable yet sexy they made him feel. Plucking the bra off the bed, he held it up between two fingers inspecting it curiously. He noticed the clasp, and like any red blooded male in a females body figured that the clasp was meant to be hooked in the back. So that is what he did. He surveyed his work in dismay unable to determine why the cups that should have covered the Mayor's breast were in the back
"What is taking you so long?" Regina barged in to discover Hook standing in front of the floor length mirror wearing a bra on backwards.
"For heaven's sake," she chided the confounded man.
"Well forgive me your Majesty if I am more adept at taking a woman's clothes off than putting them on," he retorted defensively. Regina fumbled with the clasp, the task more difficult because of being handicapped by a hook.
"It's a front clasp, you idiot," she scolded him, "I figured it would be fairly self-evident. The breasts go in the cups, and then you clasp the bra together in the middle." Regina stood in front of Hook and assisted him with putting it on.
"This is one freaky Friday," she mumbled under her breath marveling at the strangeness of her situation. She was in a man's body, putting a bra on none other than herself. And speaking of being in a man's body, Hook's body began to tingle in the nether regions alerting Regina of its unwanted presence. Regina gasped in horror. Stumbling back, Regina cupped her hand over Hook's crotch.
"Hook," she cried out in alarm, "Something is happening!"
"What, what is it," he quickly rushed to her side. Prying her hands away, Hook instantly realized the cause of Regina's sudden distress.
"Regina," he said calmly, "My body is just reacting,"
"To what?" she asked her voice tight with strain.
"To the sight of a half dressed, beautiful woman," he answered honestly placing his hands on his hips. Regina's mouth tried to form words but nothing would come out making her look like a fish out of water. Closing her eyes, and taking a deep breath, Regina was finally able to respond.
"I am well aware that I am physically attractive," she said between clenched teeth, "What I need to know is how to make it stop!"
"Oh right," he said taking a step towards Regina. Before she could comprehend what was transpiring, Hook sucker punched her in the gut effectively expelling all air from her lungs with a whoosh. Regina doubled over in agony her arms wrapped protectively around her stomach. Panting for breath, she asked, "What the hell was that for?" Hook shrugged his shoulders motioning towards his now deflated crotch.
"Usually, I try to think of the most disgusting thing I can possibly think of...like the stench of maggots in the rotting corpse of a carcass," he said, "But since you needed immediate results, this proved to be a most effective option." Regina rolled her eyes at him still having difficulty making words come out of her mouth.
"What? It worked, didn't it?" Hook said feeling a little bit bad but secretly liking that he got to punch the Mayor.
"Yes, it did," she grunted cutting her eyes at him in a glare, "I suppose you will be wanting my sincere gratitude now." Hook shrugged his shoulders as if to say "Whatever."
"Do you think you can manage to finish getting me dressed?" she asked. Hook slipped on the shirt with ease before grabbing the panty hose.
"Bloody hell, these look like some sort of medieval torture device," he muttered under his breath.
"I'd offer to assist but well..." she held up her hook hand in explanation, "Be careful you moron. Those are my most expensive silk stockings!" Much to her chagrin, Hook managed to carefully slide the hose on without any snags. Once he was completely dressed, Regina surveyed his attire giving him a nod approval.
"That will do. Now come with me," she instructed taking his hand and leading him into the bathroom. "Sit." Hook did as instructed. He sat patiently while Regina managed to apply a light layer of make up. Again, doing it one handed was a bit of a challenge but she managed to make herself look presentable. The ensemble was complete when Hook slid the heels onto his stocking feet.
"Shall we go Madame Mayor?" he inquired flippantly before heading out the door down the hall towards the stairs. He paused upon realizing that Regina wasn't directly behind him. Turning around, he saw her staring at him with an eyebrow quirked in question.
"What now?" he asked exasperated.
"Not your first time in heels now is it dear?" she commented knowingly. Hook merely gave the Mayor a sassy wink before continuing on his way.
The unlikely due finally arrived at Regina's vault. She found the ingredients necessary to complete the spell and carefully instructed Hook on how to cast it. After several failed attempts, he finally managed to succeed. Regina sat on the cold steps to the vault in defeat.
"We're not afflicted by a magic are we?" Hook stated sitting next to her on the steps.
"No dear, we are not," she answered in a flat tone of voice.
"It could still be a curse of some sort though, yeah?" He said trying not to let his hopes for a solution go down the drain.
"Most curses are broken by true love's kiss," Regina said stating the obvious.
"Right so how will that work considering our unique situation?" He asked seriously, "Do you have to kiss Swan as me..."
"No I am certain that would not work," she replied.
"Why not?"
"Because our souls are the part responsible for recognizing who is meant to be our true love," she told him patiently as if he were a little child, "Our souls inhabit our physical body, and since I am in your body, that means my soul is in it as well."
"Ok, ok, ok," he said standing up in excitement, "That means I have to kiss Swan as I am now and you have to kiss Robin as you are now."
"Yes, that seems like the most logical solution to our current dilemma," she agreed.
"Guess you are going to New York while I've got me a Swan to nab and plant a kiss on," he said.
"If it works, we will know immediately but if it doesn't work, I can be back in Storybrook by dinner time and we can re-assess the situation then.
"Agreed," he answered, "If it doesn't work, we meet at your house later this evening."
"Let's keep this between ourselves for now Hook. And try to be a dear and not make of spectacle out of me in the meantime.
"No problem your Majesty," he commented dryly, "It shouldn't be too hard for me to walk around pretending that I've got a stick of me arse!" Hook was out of the vault before Regina could muster a reply.
"Be careful," he called down to her, the words echoing throughout the walls of her vault.
Up next: Hook finds Emma, and Regina find Robin