Hey again :)

So I was so thrilled by all of your nice comments that I hurried and finished the first chapter today! And here it is.

I received some questions so let me answer those:

Firstly: Yes, of course the pairing here is Seth/Reid. The story is about them. No other pairings I have planned so far, although that can always change.

The team will have a part in this, if small, and Morgan will be there. I will try to just write him as a concerned friend, nothing more (we'll see how that goes :S).

And yes, I do foresee Seth and Reid's relationship going through several stages, some of which might not be so nice but some of which should include some "romance" as we might call it. Hope that helps :)

Chapter 1

Looking back, the way it ends seems appropriate. Nothing else would make sense considering the beginning.

Maybe, he thinks, if he had just tried harder, fought more, if he'd been stronger. If he'd just run even. Maybe it would have all ended differently.

But then, he never really had a chance, had he? Not back when he had at least had somewhere to run to, and enough brain cells left to form a sane thought. Not later when there were no more physical restraints, no more tangible walls to conquer, unnecessary once he was trapped in his own spiraling mind.

No, looking back it's almost ridiculously easy to see. Between Seth holding on to him by every means possible, dragging him back with desperate force every time he tried to make it stop, and himself who has somehow gotten so hopelessly tangled in all of it that the strings holding him captive are also the ones keeping him from falling, from breaking apart, there hasn't been an out in along time.

There is a before -one he can remember vaguely as though it was another person's life- but no beyond and no after. Maybe there was once, at the beginning, maybe not. Maybe there never was any getting away from it; maybe it was fate. Cruel, twisted, ironic fate. He's never believed in any of that but he can't help but think of it now that the core of what's he's fighting has become as vital to him as oxygen.

Maybe that's the most frightening of it all. How can he attempt to rid himself of something he needs, craves so desperately that its loss would mean his certain demise?

He can't.

He has probably known that for a long time, ever since it became impossible to sleep without Seth next to him, or to rest without his touch. He almost wants to laugh at how pathetic and ridiculous a shadow of his former self he has become. Feeble, blind, hopelessly addicted to what's killing him.

There is no going back for him; no more choices to be made, not even now at the end, now that they are presenting him with empty words like future and hope.

He knows that there is none of that for him anymore. Not after everything.

He can't even feel regret as he looks into their hopeful faces. They don't understand. They are mourning someone who has died too long ago to matter.

He closes his eyes, lets their voices rush past his ears. He won't tell them, won't hurt them more by trying to get them to understand what he is now. What he needs to do. They'll see soon enough. Maybe then, once they've seen the truth, they'll be able to let go of his ghost.

If he can do it so can they.

Maybe he feels like crying then, for a brief moment.

He doesn't. He's done enough crying for a lifetime. It is what it is. There's nowhere to go but down.

At this point, he is almost anxious to. He's tired of fighting.

xxx

It took over five hours of driving without a break before Seth finally found the nerve to slow down and drive at least close to the speed limit, and even more time for him to stop compulsively looking over his shoulder.

It was mid day by then, the sun shining through the windshield brightly, a warm breeze coming through the open window. It was hot in Mexico, not a cloud on the sky, the empty road glimmering in front of him.

A perfect day.

He barely felt any of it, just barely aware enough of his surroundings not to crash the car.

He felt like he was caught in a dream, everything around him strangely surreal. The sun, the air, the fact that he was still breathing. Seth's hands were clenched around the steering wheel tightly, like he was afraid that if he let go everything would just fade away and he'd be thrown back into the nightmare he'd just emerged from.

Claws, reaching for him, blood, gore, screams...hellish eyes staring at him hungrily wherever he looked...

He shook his head harshly. In the bright light of day, those horrid memories, however fresh they were, really almost seemed like figments of a bad dream. Almost, if it hadn't been for the almost tangible sensation of unearthly screeching hurting his ears, of cold breath on his neck, that horrible feeling like any second something was going to come out of nowhere and grab him, tear him back into the cold and dark, back towards death.

Mangled corpses, bled out, on the floor, empty eyes staring towards the ceiling...his hands were sticky with blood, his brother's blood...somewhere close by he could hear screaming, a familiar voice that turned his blood to ice...

He breathed in deeply, forcibly shaking off those thoughts. It was over. Over. Behind him. He'd burned that fucking bar down to the ground along with everything in it. Nothing was going to come after him.

And he didn't actually care about those dead people, those cops.

Only Richard...

The memory of his little brother, first deformed into a monstrosity from hell, then dead at his feet, made him want to stop the car and empty his stomach in the side of the road where nothing else could.

He didn't though.

He had been calm and collected so far, every minute since he'd gotten out of that bar -he wouldn't let his nerves catch up with him now. And neither his emotions. He knew he needed to put it all behind him if he didn't want to go insane. He'd grieved for his brother back there already - if he started up again right now he wouldn't be able to function at all. Knowing himself, he'd stop somewhere and get drunk off his ass, either falling into a senseless coma for days or starting a fight with some clueless fuck who wouldn't know what hit him. Either way he would end up either dead or in prison again, captured after all in his carelessness.

For a moment, it was hard to remember why that would even matter.

Then, slowly, he looked over at the passenger seat and it came back to him. The kid.

Spencer was curled up against the door, his head fallen against the window. He hadn't opened his eyes or even moved an inch since they had started driving, probably unconscious rather than sleeping.

No wonder, the whole ordeal really had done a number on him…

Tangled strands of his hair had fallen into his face which was still ghostly white except for the blood splatters that covered it like tiny freckles. He could still remember how most of it had gotten there, the scenes flashing brightly before his eyes. Spencer had been so completely out of it by the end of it all, shaking, panicked, crying…

Now he was perfectly still though, his breathing soft and regular, his body relaxed. Again, like it had all just been a bad dream…

Seth gazed at him numbly, momentarily reminded of before, when they had been in the car together, driving to meet Richard. Spencer had been in bad shape already then, rattled from the latest near death experience, but he'd been fine compared to what came after. Seth himself had been brilliant compared to now. Looking back, it seemed almost surreal that his biggest problem then had been his inappropriate feelings towards his hostage and worry about his brother's reaction upon finding out.

Now, he didn't have to worry about either. Richard was gone. And he had completely lost control with Spencer, had lost himself... He faintly felt his stomach twist at the memory of what he had done.

Desperate hands digging into his shoulders, tears on his lips...bodies pressed together so closely that their racing heart beats became indistinguishable... 'Please, please...'

Seth swallowed hard, that image taking longer to shake than the others, also because it caused a disturbung mix of emotions to stir inside him. He managed somehow, knowing that he couldn't think about that right then, about what exactely had happened and just how damned he was because of it.

He had to be able to function right now, to keep a clear head if he wanted to get to safety.

At least he supposed that that was his plan here. So far he hadn't paid much attention to where he was even driving. After getting out of the bar, he hadn't really thought about anything other than getting as far away as possible from that place. He'd just gotten into the car and driven off aimlessly, something that was slowly becoming apparent to him now that he was actually looking at the road.

Safety? Was that what he was after?

Only hours ago, after Richard's death, he hadn't even been sure he wanted to live on at all. In a way, all that had kept him going then was...

He swallowed hard, his gaze grazing the sleeping young man next to him. He'd tried to save Spencer, a motive completely in line with the rest of the insane, obessive fixation his brain was cooking up since they'd met. He didn't even try to tell himself how idiotic any of it was or had been, knowing by now that nothing would change a thing about the facts. He didn't regret saving the kid, not for one second. The thought of him being dead-

He blinked slowly, trying to clear his head. Obviously, nothing had changed for him -except for the fact that he had let what had been festering inside him out and that he had in consequence possibly, definitely done something unforgivable. Again, he couldn't help but remember the kid's tears, his distraught state, his desperation...all mixed signals as he'd clung to him...

It had felt nearly real enough to believe he hadn't taken something that would have never been his. Very nearly. Even now, he almost wanted to believe it. That Spencer had wanted it. Him.

But he knew that even if that was partially true, that what he'd done was possibly the worst crime he'd commited against the agent in all their time together.

He knew that. Intellectually knew it. Maybe, he liked to think, maybe if the kid had woken up outside of the bar, crying and in pain and hating him for taking advantage like that -then maybe he wouldn't have made it all even worse by taking him with him.

But it hadn't been like that. There hadn't been another meltdown, not even the inevitable tears at remembering his friends...

Instead, he had gotten –yes, what? He still wasn't sure exactly.

The kid hadn't remembered.

He didn't know how, but he just hadn't. He'd seen it in his eyes even before Spencer had told him. There had been nothing there of his usual expression, no fear, no shame upon seeing him, no guilt and none of the expected agony over his friends' deaths, no hatred for Seth…just confusion and exhaustion, slight worry maybe. Nothing more.

It had taken Seth all but ten seconds to go from worried to deeply relieved. He knew it was utterly inappropriate, after all he didn't know if Spencer's state was reason for concern, if something was wrong with his head or if it was just due to the acute stress and would pass –he didn't understand much about those things.

But touching the kid's face, and hearing him say his name…his name…so, so... it had erased everything else from his mind.

Spencer had always looked at him with so much pain and desperation and distress in his eyes. Seeing that gone suddenly, and seeing him look actually...comforted by his touch instead of instinctively flinching away…

Before he'd known it he'd had Spencer in the car, driving off with him. No question of whether to go on at all at the prospect of having the kid with him...

It was only now that his head was clearing some that he realized what he was actually doing. That he had essentially just kidnapped him for the second time. That Spencer wouldn't want to be anywhere near him once he woke up and got his head straight. That there was nowhere to go from here -at least not for the two of them together.

Because really, what was his plan here?

Of course he couldn't keep the kid with him against his will, not considering where he was going and especially not with how their relationship would be after...everything. And to hope for anything else was ludicrous. He gripped the steering wheel more tightly, telling himself that he knew that, had known that...and that wasn't what he'd been planning to do at all.

No, of course not.

He'd had no choice, was all. He couldn't have left the kid in the desert on the assumption that the feds would find him in time. He would have died out there... And he couldn't have just dropped him off somewhere once he woke up either.

He looked at a street sign as it flew by and frowned. Just as he'd assumed. They weren't anywhere near the US border - not like Seth could show his face there- and none of the other agents had made it. He couldn't just leave Spencer here by himself, especially not in his current state.

He looked back at the street again, trying to think a little clearer long enough to figure out directions. No, he had been right doing what he'd done, for once at least. He would find somewhere to hide out until he came up with a plan for his future and he would take the kid there with him until he was sure he'd be alright. He owed him that at least after everything.

Right. Spencer would have to understand that...maybe not right away but-

A hiding place. Somewhere the cops wouldn't find them. If they were even still looking. Now that he thought about it, it was entirely possible that once the BAU would be declared dead by their colleagues finding the bar burnt down, people would simply assume that he too was dead.

All the better...

Wait, if that's the case, doesn't that mean they'll think Spencer is also dead? They won't even be looking-

He shook his head, refusing to finish that thought, afraid of where it might lead him to. Instead, he did his best to focus on the road and try to think of somewhere safe for the both of them to go.

For now he would just get them out of the desert.

He would figure everything else out later. Once it came to it.

Okay, one down :D

I will try to keep the chapters to this short, just so the updating won't take so long.

So Seth has some decisions to make. We'll see how that goes once Reid wakes up. Still pondering how his reaction would be to be honest and in which direction I want this to go. Probably best to not have him remember right away...

Did you like it?