Spencer sat down on the couch, suddenly far more tired than he was when he first woke up. He picked up the envelope addressed to him and studied it, almost afraid of what he would find inside. He contemplated just destroying it, along with the other two, but decided against it. For better or worse, no matter what the illness did to Freddie's state of mind, these were his last attempts to communicate with his three closest friends. How owed it to Freddie to read what he wrote.

Spencer opened the envelope with unsteady hands:

Dear Spencer,

If you are reading this note then hopefully I finally did it and am now dead. I know you may be asking yourself why I did it and why I didn't come to you, or my Mother, or Carly or even Sam for help. The truth is I really just didn't want to live anymore. I know it sounds simplistic, but it's true. You can't understand the constant pain and anxiety I have been living with for so long. Do you know what it's like to live every day knowing you're a failure, a loser, someone who makes the lives of those he cares about worse? Do you know what it's like to go to bed every night praying that you die in your sleep? Or to wake up sobbing because you know your day is going to be constant pain from start to finish? I tried to make myself better, I tried to be a good friend and not be such a burden on those around me, but ultimately I knew I was doomed to failure. Don't get me wrong, I was able to come close and I had stretches where I felt better, but it would never have lasted. I'm sorry if I've caused you any grief today, please don't put yourself out on my account. I'm not worth it now and I never was in the past either. The fact is I'm not a good person and the world is better off with me gone. Good luck with your life, Spencer, I know you will go on to create some incredible works of art.

Freddie

P.S. Please tell Carly and Sam they are welcome to keep all of the technical equipment that was used on iCarly. I'm pretty sure I won't need it wherever I am now.

Spencer dropped the note on the coffee table, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," Spencer thought to himself, "but you are worth it, Freddie." Holly was right; this was not the real Freddie. This was someone very sick; the handwriting was definitely Freddie's, but the words and the thoughts were certainly someone else's. Someone very sick who didn't know what they were saying. Almost like Freddie's mind was possessed by his depression and it was his depression communicating directly in this note.

Again Spencer considered what was going to happen with Carly. She had developed strong feelings for Freddie, not influenced strictly by what he did when he saved her life from that taco truck. It was clear that she really did love him for himself, not just for what he did. True, she did not come right out and tell Spencer this, but he could still tell nonetheless. He overheard snippets of conversation between her and Sam. He noticed her talking about Freddie more around the loft and with Dad and Grandpa Shay on the phone. He noticed that she was much more attentive towards her appearance when Freddie was coming over now. Whereas once she would have worn sweats and a t-shirt and not bothered with makeup, now she made a point to dress in more fashionable clothes that she knew would appeal to Freddie. She even took to always having at least some makeup on and her hair done just in case Freddie came by unexpectedly.

This news was going to devastate her. Spencer knew this and the saddest thing to him was that he couldn't think of any way around it. He contemplated calling her now and telling her what had happened, but he quickly dismissed that idea. Holly was right; this was not something you told over the phone. He thought about driving to Olympia and getting her right then, but thought better of it. He had no idea where the class was now and Olympia was not that small of a city. Besides, maybe Carly deserved one more night of, what, happiness? One more night of a world where she was sure she would have a long future with Freddie? Ultimately Spencer decided to wait until she got home from the trip to tell her. He decided she deserved one more night of being a teenager before she would have to grow up awfully fast in the next few days.

Looking at the two remaining envelopes on the table, another thought occurred to Spencer: Sam. She would need to be told what happened. He knew she was not on the trip with Carly; in fact he had told her she was welcome to hang out at the loft over the weekend if she didn't feel like staying at home. He really had no excuses for not telling Sam now if she was willing to come over. He got his cell phone and selected the number for Sam's cell phone.

Sam picked up on the second ring, "Hey Spencer, what's going on?"

Spencer tried to keep his voice steady as best he could, "Are you busy now? Can you come over to the loft?"

"You know that big history paper me and Carly have due on the Civil War? I am desperately trying to think of a reason not to start it. So it shouldn't be a problem. My mother has a date tonight and would like me to be scarce anyway."

"How soon can you be here?" Spencer didn't want to sound too anxious, but some spilled through anyway.

"30 minutes, give or take. Is everything ok? Is there another little girl running around the loft and you need help getting rid of her?" She tried to inject a little levity; Spencer seemed a little uptight about something.

"Just please get here as fast as you can. Thanks."

Spencer hung up the phone before Sam could get another word in. She was suddenly worried. He did not sound like his usual carefree self and she got the impression he didn't want to talk on the phone. While Sam was generally indifferent to traditional school work, she was not stupid by any means. She could tell she needed to get to the Shay loft as fast as she could. She changed into a pair of cargo shorts, a penny tee, hoodie and high-top sneakers.

"Mom, there is something wrong over at Carly's. I have to go now; I'll probably spend the night there. Ok?" Sam yelled in the general direction of her mother's bedroom.

"Alright, call or text me sometime tomorrow, I have a date with Gary tonight and don't want to be disturbed."

Sam was already heading out the door as fast as she could, she didn't hear anything after her mother said alright.

Sam made good time and was at the Shay loft in 20 minutes. Finding the door unlocked she went right in. It was practically her second home and she felt no qualms about not knocking. She found Spencer sitting on the couch staring off into space. She was surprised to see a bottle of liquor on the coffee table in front of him. She had never known him to drink anything stronger than beer and she had never seen him drink during the day. She found herself very worried.

"Spencer, is everything ok? Did something happen to Carly?"

Spencer looked at Sam slowly, his eyes very tired. "No, Carly is fine. It's Freddie. Something happened to Freddie."

Sam sat down next to Spencer on the couch. "Wha..What happened to Freddie?"

Spencer took Sam's hands in his own. He noticed how small they seemed in his own. He didn't know why he thought of this all the sudden, he put the thought out of his head and did what he had to do. "Freddie died early this morning. He. he killed himself." Spencer could barely get the words out.

Sam was the type of person who was not easily shocked. In fact she prided herself on being able to take any sort of news in stride. But she was not prepared for this at all. How could Freddie kill himself? Maybe it was an accident of some sort? "How" she managed to ask weakly.

"He cut his wrists open in the bathtub. His mother found him this morning and he was rushed to the hospital, but it was too late."

Don't cry, Puckett's don't cry, Sam started telling herself. She was finding it difficult to hold back tears, though. "Why? Why would he do this?"

"According to his aunt and a close friend of Mrs. Benson's Freddie was suffering from clinical depression. He was adamant about nobody knowing besides his mother. He never told any of us about it; I don't know why. Maybe out of shame, maybe fear? Anyway, he started treatment around a year and a half ago with therapy and it started well, but around 6 months ago things got worse. His doctor put him on medication, but, well it didn't work. Did you notice any changes in Freddie lately?"

Sam thought for a moment while trying to keep from crying in front of Spencer. "He'd been quiet lately. He hadn't been spending as much time with us outside of iCarly as he used to. He told us he wasn't feeling well and that he had to spend more time studying with his new classes this year."

"Did Freddie ever talk about dying, or killing himself?"

"No, never that I knew of. If I thought he was capable of doing this to himself…" Sam's voice trailed off. She couldn't hold back the tears any more and they poured out of her like water bursting through a dam. "If I thought he might have wanted to do this I would have done anything to stop him. Please believe me Spencer, I would have."

Spencer had never seen Sam this sad. In fact, he thought, this might be the first time he had ever seen her cry. He took her into his arms, hugging her tightly. She had never seemed so tiny and vulnerable than now. To him she had always seemed a larger than life figure, the type of person who couldn't be hurt.

"Spencer, do you think Freddie did this because…" she sobbed more, clearly having difficulty getting the words out. "Do you think he did this because of me? You know I never meant to hurt him. That I considered him one of my best friends in the world. That I would never want him to do this. Please believe me, Spencer, please."

Spencer pushed Sam away from him. "Sam, look at me. Look at me in the eyes." Sam complied, wiping tears away with her hands. "I want you to listen to me very carefully. Freddie was very sick. Much sicker than any of us could have imagined. Nothing you did caused him to do this to himself. He did this because his depression tricked his mind into thinking he wanted to do it. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. NONE OF US ARE."

Spencer felt better when he saw her start to nod slightly. He remembered the note Freddie had left for her. "Sam, Freddie left you something, a note. He left one for me as well and Carly. Do you want to read it? I don't know what it says; mine was pretty brutal. Freddie's aunt warned me that might be the case. She said it was the depression, the sickness, talking instead of Freddie. I have to agree. If you don't want to read it I'll understand."

Sam thought about it, but if that was the last thing Freddie said to her she had to know what it was. No matter how sad, no matter what, she had to know. "Let me have it." Spencer handed her the envelope and with some trepidation she unsealed it:

Dear Sam,

If you are reading this then you know what I've done. I don't want you to feel bad. You might be thinking that your teasing and bullying of me made me kill myself. That's not true; I killed myself because the pain just became too much to bear. The pain of knowing you're not worthy, that you are a disappointment to everyone around you, that nobody likes you and will never love you; this kind of pain can only be lived with for so long. I know you never meant to hurt me with your words, I know you didn't mean them, but you did speak the truth; even if you didn't think what you said was true. Please don't be sad, please don't' cry, I'm not worth the effort. Remember, the world is a better place with me gone. My mother will be happier, Spencer will be happier, Carly will be happier and so will you. Have a wonderful life Sam, I know that you are much smarter than people give you credit for and that you will succeed in whatever you decide to do.

Freddie

Sam's voice was flat and almost completely devoid of emotion. "This isn't Freddie, at least not the Freddie that we know. I don't know why he would say this but you're right, it 's not really him speaking." This knowledge actually allowed Sam to calm down and gain a measure of control over herself. "You know the biggest problem we have, don't you?" Spencer knew and nodded in return. "Carly is completely in love with Freddie now. In fact she plans on confessing her true love for him sometime tomorrow after she gets back. She called me last night and told me she found the perfect gift for him and had it engraved. I'm not kidding when I say this; this news might kill her. I don't know what to do."

Spencer agreed. "I don't think there's any easy way around this. No matter what we do Carly is going to be devastated. I think we'll just have to tell her quickly and try and be ready for whatever comes next. I think we're in for a very long night."

Author's note:

I know Carly is listed as the main character and she hasn't been heard from yet, but that changes with the next chapter (which should be up in the next day or so) when she returns home from that class trip. From that point on most of the story will deal mostly with Carly.