Author's Note
I know I said I wouldn't be updating this very much, but Mumbo's staring to grow on me. Plus I've got a good few ideas in my head about this story. Funny, how the second you begin to neglect something, inspiration hits you and draws you back. Well either way, please enjoy
Snake Oil
Later that night, Lumpy was walking merrily down the street with a bag full of electronics, humming a jolly tune to himself, when he bumped into a tiny, red, flaky creature who shrieked in terror and fell to the ground cowering.
"Flaky, Is that you? Why, you look absolutely terrified!" he asked, a worried look on his blue face. His voice seemed to lack its usual drawl.
Flaky immediately stopped cowering and pulled herself up, "L-lumpy? Is that you? "
"Certainly it is! Couldn't be anyone else, the odds of any form of breeding exactly replicating a moose of my specifications occurring around my birth are about 643,922 to four! Then again anything is possible," He put his hand on his chin in thought, "but I digress. What brings a timid little beauty like you out here?"
Flaky stared at him, blinked, did a double, then triple-take before she spoke "Whuh, huh, Lumpy? I er, I'm just out to get some more medicated shampoo for my skin condition. I need at least three showers a day, but you probably know that already."
Lumpy gave a hearty chuckle, nothing like his usual idiotic laugh, much more refined. "Why bother Flaky? You should meet my friend Mumbo! He's increased by intelligence at least twenty fold! But, then again twenty times zero is still zero isn't it?" He laughed again, "But I'm going off on a tangent once more, if he was just happened to have an elixir to help me out intellectually then he must have something for skin! I'd help you myself but I must go help Sniffles with a little bit of gender confusion." He ran off, calling over his shoulder.
"Third alley on the right, if you're interested!"
Flaky shook her head in disbelief and walked down the suddenly misty street toward the pharmacy. "As if I'd take some weird potion from some creepy salesman. It might be full of aids, or knock me unconscious and who knows what would happen next?"
She walked along ranting about near-impossibilities, completely forgetting she was walking right by the alley Lumpy had mentioned. A pair of glowing yellow eyes shined through the mist at her and a low laugh rang through the darkened street, scaring the little porcupine stiff. The laugh was deep, so much so you'd be afraid that you're drowning in a murky darkness if you heard it out of nowhere like poor little Flaky did. But, oddly enough, the laugh wasn't the only thing she heard. A faint piano could be heard, along with the rhythmic tapping of a cane as the a terrifying baritone sang to her.
Hey little lady hello
"Who, who's there?"
You're looking cute as can be…
"is, is somebody there?"
You're looking mighty SWEET!
"F-flippy, is that you? Cu-cut it out!" Flaky tried to run, but she tripped over her own feet and fell terrified on her back.
No it ain't Flippy, it's me.
Mumbo stepped from the mist and held out his hand invitingly
You're friendly Mr. Crowley
This croc is talking to you, baby!
"Oh god! Please, stay away from me you monster!" Flaky flailed her arms at him, covering her eyes. "Don't rape me! I only have a little money, but take it!"
"My, my, my! I would never lay a hand on such a sweet young thing as yourself!" Mumbo took a step back and bowed, tipping his hat, "But I would love to help you with your unfortunate predicament! My name is Mumbo Jumbo Étouffée Amable Incroyable Crowley the eighth, and I might just have the solution for your, uh, powdery hair.
"Yeah right, three dermatologists and fourteen hairstylists couldn't figure out a cure for ol' Miss Flaky. I doubt you the cure." She said, walking away, but, oddly she had walked straight into him.
"Are you quite certain? As that blue fellow, one of my previous clients had said, anything as possible. And I don't mean to be rude, but that boy was not quite a dim bulb, more of a damp match in a wet cave before he met me, and now look at him!"
"You, really did that?" Flaky was flabbergasted.
"Of course I did, and I've got the perfect potion for you, little miss!" He pulled a vial in the shape of a gorgeous woman with long flowing hair from his pocket, filled with a green liquid. "And, for such a beautiful little girl, only five acorns!"
"Five? My prescription shampoo costs fifty! I'll take it!" She exchanged the potion for the coins and took a deep swig from it, gagging at its foul taste. She turned and ran off home to show Flippy, and waved happily to her new friend, "Thank you mister etifue, um, able, er"
"Call me Mumbo, sweety! Just Mumbo's fine!" He pulled out another set of coins, and adding the new ones to the mix, counted them happily while licking his lips.
….
Sniffette, as we'll call her for the time being, was tinkering with her raygun, still fuming about the work Lumpy ruined with his"innovative" approach to gender swapping. She jumped a little in surprise when Lumpy kicked in the door and laid the bag of goods on the table, allowing its contents to spill out in front of Sniffette.
"Lumpy, what are these? I didn't ask for any of these parts!" She groaned.
"Oh ho ho, but these are better! You see, the gun was far overcharged, but if we simply tweak these parts here and there" Lumpy laughed as he quickly rearranged the raygun, leaving it with a completely new design and a shining new paint job "And behold! Now, hold still friend…" Lumpy aimed the raygun at the anteater, who recoiled in terror.
"Lumpy what are you-
BZZZZAP!
"doing, this could kill," Sniffles stopped himself, realizing his voice was its normal tone. "Lumpy, how did you do this?"
"Oh, don't worry about it, now let's talk about that particle accelerator that you've been working on. A few minor adjustments and we might just lower the death rate to 26%!"
….
Flippy couldn't fall asleep, especially without Flaky at his side. She had refused to go out with him at night, considering what terrible things Evil could do to her in a dark alleyway somewhere. Flippy always hated doing that, but it was beyond his control, and he had learned to control the Flip-outs to a degree, but he could never quite solve them completely. With all this on his mind and Saving Private Ryan coming to an end he began to drift off into sleep, but was jolted awake by the lights switching on and a familiar porcupine dashing up and wrapping her arms around him.
"F-flaky?" He blushed " Did you get the shampoo? You were only out for fifteen minutes!"
She giggled and hugged him tighter "I don't need it anymore! Stroke my quills, run your hand through them!" Flippy was a little weirded-out, but did as she asked. He felt nothing, which wasn't shocking, until he realized that he normally did feel a lot of something in Flaky's hair. Dandruff, he checked his hand and found none of the telltale flakes, and then looked at Flaky's hair. It was beautiful, her hair was positively radiant and dandruff-free.
"Flaky, oh my god this is wonderful!" He laughed and hugged her back.
"Please Flippy, call me 'Silky' from now on, I think it works much better" She sighed, and flipped off the bedroom lights, still holding him close.
Well well well, seems like things are perfect in old happy tree town, but that's no fun, now is it? Let's see how things go horribly wrong this time….
Just for reference, the song Mumbo sings to Flaky is a variation on Sominex/Suppertime 2 From Little Shop Of Horrors
-As always, this has been Phoenix Reece!