Author: geeks_girl_tm
Summary: Helplessness is the worst of all emotions and sometimes the people we least expect see us through the most difficult obstacles we can face. Season Three, response to Challenge 349 of Bloodshedverse. Challenge guidelines at end of fic. This is my first challenge so bear with me.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Violence, language, sexual content
Disclaimer: Joss is our God, who brought us seven happy years of televised gold. It is our honour to carry on out of love, not profit. All the characters are entirely his.

*****

He was sleeping and she had left him to well needed rest. She was grateful; no doubt about it, but it was strange and foreign for her worst enemy to helping her, when the thought of facing her friends terrified her beyond belief. She did not know what they would think of her, whether they would be ashamed of her, disgusted with her or simply hate her for her weakness. Giles would no doubt criticise her. It had been nearly two days since she had spoken to anyone other than Spike and the confrontation with Angel had left her with nightmares of his previous actions. Numerous times during the night, Spike had held her as she had awoken screaming with visions of blood and mortifying actions of her lover's past.

She wandered around the house, as if it was all new to her, through innocence shattered eyes. She had bathed again, trying to rub the sin off of her skin, but even now, with red raw patches on her flesh, she didn't feel clean. She looked out of the kitchen window, watching the sun rise over the trees, and tears fell silently down her cheeks. After a few moments, she shut the blinds, drowning the room in darkness. A noise from behind her alerted her to someone in the kitchen and she grabbed a knife from the block and spun round, ready to protect herself. Spike stood before her, a sad look on his face. She dropped the knife and slumped against the kitchen unit, tears still wetting her face, unrelenting in the wake of her weakness.

'It's alright to be afraid, you know.' His soft baritone came through the haze of shame as he picked the knife up from the floor and put it in the sink, his cold arms encircling her. She grabbed onto his t-shirt and hid her face in the soft fabric, inhaling whiskey and cigarettes. He rubbed her arm, shushing her gently. 'You don't have to be the Slayer right now, Buffy.'

His words comforted her, made her burden lift slightly and she sighed, the tears finally stopping. She pulled away from his chest, but not his embrace and smiled gently, as if it hurt. Hazel eyes met azure and she nodded. 'I know. Thank you Spike. I know this is weird but…'

'It doesn't matter right now. This should never have happened and I wish I'd found you sooner.' He looked down almost shyly and rubbed a thumb over her cheek, brushing away lingering tear drops. 'Course, soon you'll right as rain and we can get back to that fight to the death and all.' He sounded less convinced than before and she nodded, smiling more.

'Of course. Fight to the death. Looking forward to it.'

He sighed and stretched his shoulders, looking around to avoid eye contact. 'Fancy some breakfast?' He moved away, looking through the cupboards and fridge, locating everything he needed to do a full English. Buffy watched, unable to protest, enjoying having someone to look after her for a change. Even if he was blonde, evil and occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. She watched in interest as he moved around the kitchen, skilled hands moving faster than a normal human's would have, turning knobs and flipping pans about as he organised her breakfast. After about twenty minutes, the sink was full of washing up and Spike was turning the water on to soak them as he placed two plates full of food on the table. He gestured for her to sit down and she did, her eyes never leaving him as she took her seat at the island. He turned the water off, passed her a knife and fork, and then sat opposite her.

Buffy smiled as she began to munch on a crispy piece of bacon, made to perfection. He smiled back, a genuine smile that she had not seen before and lit up his features beautifully. Suddenly his face fell and he stood again. 'I didn't make you any toast.' He went for the bread bin but Buffy stopped him.

'No, Spike, really. This is way more than enough.' He nodded, his shoulders falling slightly and he returned to his seat. Determined not to be left in an awkward silence, Buffy spoke up in between mouthfuls of delicious food. 'So, you can cook?'

Spike shrugged. 'Yeah, I guess. I like to experiment. Unfortunately not very often, living in crypts and factories doesn't exactly provide the makings for culinary genius. But I used to…' He stopped abruptly, sighing. 'Never mind.'

Sensing it was something he didn't want to share, Buffy changed the subject. 'I was wondering…I feel a bit stronger today. Would you, I mean, you don't have to but, would you, spar with me?' She asked gingerly, not wanting to force his help any more than she had already.

He brightened again, nodding enthusiastically as he swallowed some egg and bacon. 'Sure thing, pet. If it helps that is. Maybe you'd be feeling up to a quick patrol this evening?'

Without wondering why he wanted to patrol with her, she shuddered. 'I don't know…not sure I can…I mean…with everything…' She didn't have to say anything else. Doubts were clouding her mind and Spike could read her like a book. Why should she protect people who hurt each other so readily?

'S'okay pet. I understand. Sparring it is. Is there room in that basement downstairs for it?'

She nodded, the doubts leaving her briefly but stored in the back of her mind to resurface later. 'Yeah, it's pretty big.' He nodded in response and finished the last of his breakfast off, picking the plate up and dumping it in the sink with the rest of the dirty dishes. Buffy pushed her plate away, having eaten nearly half of the food. Spike eyed her dubiously but decided not to nag her, seeing as she didn't need it and he had given her a lot of food. She seemed to pick up on his train of thought and smiled reassuringly.

'I never eat that much anyway. I'm full, honest. That was lovely.' He smiled and took her plate, scraping the leftovers into the bin and beginning to scrub the plates.

Buffy was mesmerised again, the weirdness of the scene not quite sinking in. Spike was stood in her kitchen, at her sink, doing the washing up, water splashing up onto his black t-shirt which was clinging to his body in some very attractive places…and that was not the direction her mind was taking. As nice as he had been, as much as he was helping her, they were still mortal enemies and after this, he was going to try and kill her again. And she would have to kill him first.

Her stomach clenched violently and she squeezed her eyes shut. She stood, smoothing the front of her pyjamas down and cleared her throat. Spike stopped scrubbing the pans and turned to her, his eyebrows raised. 'I'm going to go and shower…and change into something more comfortable for a workout.' She turned and walked from the room, not acknowledging the frown on Spike's face. He knew she had already showered and had spotted several red raw marks on her skin. He hoped she was not doing anything to harm herself, and turned back to the dishes, his heightened senses on alert for any change.

He had finished the washing up and was flicking through the television channels when he caught the first scent. Slayer blood, pungent and mouth watering, floated down the stairs and caused his demon to explode from his human features, demanding he seek the source of nourishment. But his first immediate concern was for Buffy herself, appetite be damned. He took the stairs two at a time and paused outside the bathroom door to hear her sobbing, before he opened it, glad the door was unlocked so he didn't have to kick it down.

She was sat in the bathtub, the water from the shower cascading over her skin, which she had scrubbed so hard, blood was welling up from the skin in several places. A bloody scouring pad sat on the edge of the bath, dripping pink water onto the tiles. She didn't look at him and didn't attempt to cover her nakedness. Spike looked at her, pain swelling inside him for some unknown reason as he took in her state. Patches on her arms, her legs, her sex were bleeding; not profusely but enough to have his demon clamouring for a taste. He leaned over her, turning the shower off, and picking up the fluffy white towel that sat neatly folded on the nearby cupboard. He wrapped her in it, wincing at the stains that spread through the fabric from her wounds. She continued to sob into his shoulder, not even caring that her mortal enemy had her nearly naked against his body.

Spike carried her from the bathroom, and into her bedroom, laying her gently on the bed. She continued to sob, hiding her face in her pillows, ignoring him as he left the room. He returned seconds later with a first aid kit and set about cleaning the patches of bleeding skin on her small frame. His enhanced senses were screaming at her delicious scent, urging him to take her life as his own. He pushed the screaming of the beast inside away and gritted his teeth as he focused on the fragile and broken girl beneath his attentive hands. It didn't take long to clean her wounds and there was no sense bandaging them as they would heal quickly on their own. But her emotional scars were worse. The sobbing had deceased and she was simply laying there, limp as a rag doll, her face hidden from him in the fabric of her cotton bed linen.

'Buffy…' He whispered, holding her hand and rubbing it with his long fingers. He stroked intricate patterns on her skin and she slowly rolled her head so she was looking at him with tear filled eyes. A soft moan escaped her as he continued his patterns up her arms, not feeling the pain on her red raw skin even as his smooth touch danced over it. He smiled and nudged her, indicating that she should roll over onto her stomach. She complied without thinking, tensing slightly as he pulled the towel down to expose the smooth expanse of her tanned back. She hadn't been able to reach to scrub the skin off there and her skin remained untouched. She continued to tense her muscles against him and it wounded him slightly to think she didn't trust him.

You're an evil vampire that is still threatening to kill her when this is all over. How are you upset that she doesn't trust you?

He shook the thought away. 'Relax pet. I'm just going to help you chill out. I promise in a few seconds, there won't be anything on your mind but what I'm doing.' He knew how that sounded but hoped she didn't take it the wrong way. She didn't move and her muscles began to loosen. He flexed his fingers and lay beside her, on his side, with her facing him. Her hazel eyes looked at him questioningly as he reached across her, running one finger down her spine gently, the pad of his fingertip stimulating the nerves. He began to spread across her back, drawing patterns, nonsensical doodles on her skin that she felt were burned there forever.

After a few moments of his attention, her heart beat began to slow, her eyes began to droop. He slowed his attentions to her back, but she opened her eyes again, whispering dreamily. 'Please don't stop…' He smiled, chuckling softly, making his whole body vibrate. She smiled a lazy smile and shut her eyes once more, surrendering to the peaceful ministrations from her mortal enemy.

It wasn't long before she was asleep and Spike ceased what he was doing. He carefully removed the towel, knowing she would catch cold if left to sleep in the damp cloth. Instead, without looking at her, he pulled each edge of her duvet over her sleeping frame and tucked her in. He left the room, pausing to look back at the young Slayer, marvelling at the strength he could feel rebuilding in her, even as she slept. He just hoped her dreams were peaceful.

*****

His dreams were not. Drusilla was laughing at him, telling him this was exactly why she was finding her pleasures with more vicious creatures. He was screaming that he was still vicious, still a monster, still evil, but she was laughing, shaking her head and dancing in circles around him. He continued to scream his reasons, his undying love for her, when she suddenly stopped, placing her hands on his face.

You are still vicious my sweet, still my prince. A part of you will always love me. But she is everything, you sunshine, your reason to be now.

He snarled at her words. I'll kill her for you, princess.

Drusilla smiled sadly, appearing more sane than she ever had before. No, my sweet dark William. You'll kill me for her…

Spike bolted upright, snarling and striking out, his vampire face to the fore. He realised where he was, in the living room of the Summers' home, the television having gone into standby. The sun was setting outside and he was angry. Angry for being weak, angry for not taking the situation like a normal vampire. The girl should be dead. Not sleeping soundly with a killer in her home. Not…

Curled up beside him, wrapped in a duvet.

He blinked. He hadn't noticed her before and his outburst hadn't woken her. She was curled into a tight ball, one hand draped across his stomach, sleeping soundly. And quite obviously naked under the cover. He gulped, suddenly feeling the urge to kill something. Arousal flooded his system and he realised in horror that Buffy's hand was centimetres from his raging cock. He gently lifted her arm up and moved it so she was on the sofa alone. Then he bolted from the room and headed for the back door. It took too long to light up a cigarette, and it seemed too long since he had inhaled any soothing nicotine.

'You know, I can understand it now.' Spike said to the shadows, and wasn't surprised when Angel appeared.

'Understand what?'

'How you fell in love with her.' He said hoarsely. Angel grimaced.

'You're not…' Spike snorted in disgust. Angel understood. 'Good. How is she?'

'She's…better than she was. I got her to eat. And she's been asleep for a while now.'

'I could smell her blood.'

'It was nothing that won't heal in hours. And I don't believe she intended to do it.' Spike dropped the cigarette, smudging it out with his boot. 'I don't know if she is ready to see you. She was having nightmares about you….your alter ego.' Angel stiffened.

'Are you trying to make me feel worse?' He asked. Spike smirked.

'That's just a bonus.' He turned. 'I can ask her if you want. She's sleeping right now but…'

'No…just tell her we're worried. The others want to know what happened. Giles says he may come over. I haven't told them you are here.' Spike snarled.

'If the Watcher turns up here, me and him WILL be having words.' He turned back to his sire, eyeing him through narrow slits. 'This is his fault.' Angel nodded.

'But like you said before, it isn't our place to exact revenge on her behalf. Buffy will deal with it in her own way.' He stared Spike out and then sighed. 'I needn't remind you…'

'Lay a hand on her and I'm dead.' Spike waved a hand dismissively. 'I got it.'

'I have no reason to trust you, William. I hope your own sense of self-preservation will keep her safe.' Angel let his own game face slip through and let it stand as a warning to the younger.

Spike ignored him and walked back into the house, noting almost immediately the increased heart beat of the Slayer, who was awake and standing in the kitchen, watching Angel leave through the window.

'He was checking on you. I told him you weren't ready to see him.'

'You didn't have to tell him about the nightmares. That was mean.' She whispered. But a ghost of a smile appeared on her face.

'I know. But I'm evil and all that rot. Have to get my jollies somewhere.' He came up behind her, checking her previous injuries. She was still only covered in the duvet and she turned as he ran his fingers up her arms, his blue eyes seeking out any fresh cuts or bruises. 'You strength is coming back.'

'I know, I feel it more.' She sighed and turned to him. 'But I don't feel right.' Hazel eyes met his blue ones and looked at him imploringly. 'I feel like something is missing. I don't feel like Buffy.' She reached up one hand and touched his face. 'Could you….could you make me…feel like Buffy again?' She dropped the duvet covering her nudity and he stepped back, trying and failing to avert his eyes from her beautiful figure, almost glowing from a Californian tan. The fading marks of the previous days on her body did not make her any less beautiful and a lesser man would have taken her then and there.

She moved towards him, pressing herself against him and whispering in his ear. 'Please make me feel…Spike, please…' He gulped audibly and shook his head. She wilted and he caught her as her bravado vanished and the frightened little girl appeared once more. He reached for the duvet, covering her in it and holding her close. 'I'm disgusting…' She whimpered and he held her tighter.

'God, Buffy, love, you're not, you're really not. But I couldn't take advantage of you like that. You don't to do that to feel. You will be fine, you'll heal, baby. Ole Spike's here for you, no one else. Just you.' He continued to whisper reassuring words into her ear, rocking her back and forth, holding her to him as she sobbed more despair into his shirt. Before long, he knew she would be getting uncomfortable and he gathered her up, taking her to her room and laying her on the bed. Reminiscent of the morning passed, she stared at him, hoping for a crumb to make her feel something like the girl she had been before. 'Do you want me to stay?' She nodded and pulled him onto the bed, holding him through the cover.

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a slut…'

He stopped her short. 'It's okay pet. You're all over the place…I don't blame you. But warn a guy next time yeah?' He smiled. 'If it'd been anyone else, they may not have been able to resist someone as beautiful as you.'

'You think…you think that I'm beautiful. Even after…' She stared at him, wide hazel eyes filled with awe and terror. Spike smiled gently, and rubbed his thumb over her cheek.

'After, before…you're an amazing goddess Buffy. A girl worthy of queenship.' He chuckled, and rested his chin on her head. 'If I hadn't promised to kill you, if we weren't mortal enemies, I would gladly spend the rest of my days making you all kinds of happy.' Riiiiggghht and you're only saying this to cheer her up huh? His demon scolded him, but at the same time was revelling in the warmth of a human body so close.

Silence met his declaration and he hoped that the madness would be over soon. This madness that he was descending into, the insanity of feeling anything for a Slayer.

A delicious spiral into his own self-destruction.

*****

In her dream they were dancing an elaborate tango across a hall strewn with blood. It would have been disturbing, if her eyes were not locked with his fathomless blue depths, his protection coursing through her veins like well versed poetry. She could feel the other vampires watching, but did not care for the feeling of safety, even amongst those she was destined to kill. She was safe because she knew this, she knew the territory, that they were hers to kill. They bit and tore at flesh, killed those they fed from and she knew where she stood.

Except with him. He was enigma, mystery and intrigue wrapped up in one confusing package of a master vampire caring for her, nuzzling at her throat but not biting. His demon buried beneath a man so caring, so…vicious in his passion. She knew he would tear through any that dared hurt her and would hold her from pain and eventually death.

The hands that were grabbing at her were not his, and she felt herself being pulled from his grasp, into the arms of human men who were ripping at her clothes, trying to violate her. And in that second, a monster rescued her, destroying the fragile human hands that longed to fragment her innocence, and her mind.

She looked up at him, her blue eyed vampire, covered in blood and snarling like a true beast of hell.

And in that moment, she loved them both.

*****

He awoke when the door of a car slammed, and the footsteps on the porch had him moving swiftly out of her embrace and down the stairs. She did not stir in her sleep, only rolled over, searching for the pretend warmth he had provided throughout her slumber. Spike didn't look back, knowing she would be safe from anything that stepped into her sanctuary.

When he got to the lounge, Giles, Xander and Willow stood there, looking at him through shocked and terrified eyes. The Watcher instinctively went for a weapon but Spike was quicker and he stood in front of all three, raising his hands.

'It's not what you think.' He warned, eyes flashing amber for a second.

'You broke in to kill her as she slept. Angel said she was unwell, how did you come to know of this?' Giles stated, his hands going to his coat pocket where he always carried holy water. The two teenagers stood frozen in fear, knowing what the vampire was capable of.

'No, I'm the one who rescued her. After you drugged her and took away her powers.' Spike spat back, snarling at the watcher. Giles spluttered, as two surprised stares turned his way. Willow shook her head.

'Giles would never…'

'Giles did…'A voice came quietly from the stairs. She stood three steps up, a bathrobe wrapped around her, and tears shining unshed in her eyes. Spike moved towards her but stopped as she shook her head slightly at him. She needed to confront this on her own. He understood that. She didn't make a move down the stairs but stood stock still, her knuckles white where she gripped the banister. Xander moved forward and she flinched. Anger swelled inside Spike and he placed a hand on the whelp's chest.

Xander pushed him off, moving further forward. Buffy instantly moved up a step, away from him. The boy looked hurt. 'Buffy…what's going on?' he asked softly, stopping where he was.

'Giles took away my strength. My power was gone. It's coming back now, but…I was attacked and Spike saved me.' She whispered the last part, not so much because she was ashamed but more because she could still not absorb what he had done for her, the way he had cared for her like no other had since she had been called. Giles stepped forward and Buffy squeezed her eyes shut briefly.

'Buffy I'm so…'

'Save it, Giles. I can't forgive you right now. What you did…was awful. Things happened that…I was helpless and you…you did that to me.'

Willow turned to Giles. 'But why?'

'It was a test.' The watcher sighed. 'A slayer must undergo a test without her strength when she turns eighteen. Buffy was supposed to fight a vampire at the old boarding house but…she never turned up. I only knew she was okay when Angel rang and told me. The test was postponed.' He winced as Spike vamped out.

'The test is fucking cancelled, Giles.' Buffy said before Spike could attack him. 'I'm not jumping through hoops anymore. Tell the Council to go fuck themselves. They have another slayer to toy with.' She shook away the tears.

'Buffy, let us take care of you. You don't need…' Willow started.

'Do not start to tell me what I do and do not need, Will. Spike saved me from a human. A freaking human.' She looked at Xander. 'I can't be around you or Giles. I would prefer it if you left. Spike has been taking care of me and I need him right now. I can't explain it or make it right in anyway but…we're friends. He's saved me more times in the last few days than any one has before.'

'That's not true, Buffy…' Xander moved towards her again. She held up a hand.

'Do not tell me what you do not know. You weren't there. That guy was…he was…' She collapsed to the steps and held her head, sobbing again.

'I think this was enough for one day. You should leave.' Spike said, moving towards her and scooping her up in his arms.

'You killed him didn't you?' Willow asked, looking directly at him. 'I think we can figure out what he did to have her so upset. And…good…I'm glad you were there Spike.'

'Willow!!! Surely you can't condemn this creature…' Giles was cut off by Willow getting in his face.

'You took her power away Giles. So I suggest you leave before I let Spike do what he so clearly wants to do.' The watcher baulked and moved away. He gripped Xander by the arm and pulled him from his position. The boy looked to Willow for back up but found none. She looked at him. 'I think you can understand why she doesn't want you here, Xan.' He winced as he remember his previous behaviour when he had been possessed. Then nodded and followed Giles out of the door.

Willow turned to Spike, who was cradling Buffy still, shushing her gently. 'Do you want me to stay, or get you anything?' She asked both of them. Spike looked at her and nodded.

'I don't suppose you would pick up some blood for me…I haven't eaten in a while.' Buffy looked up at him, as if suddenly remembering his needs and she motioned for him to set her down. He complied and looked at her quizzically.

'Why don't you go out and get some?' She said. 'I would like some time alone with Willow.' He stared at her, wondering if she knew what getting blood himself entailed and if she even cared. The look in her eyes said she didn't and he nodded.

'No problem pet.' He smiled and rubbed her cheek with his thumb. 'I'll know if you need me. Just scream okay?'

She nodded, and squeezed his hand. Willow watched the interaction, wondering what else had happened to bring two mortal enemies to such proximity. The vampire swept from the house and Willow watched him leave, before Buffy threw her arms around her best friend, almost choking her.

'You definitely got you strength back then?' Willow joked and Buffy let her go, smiling almost apologetically, even though with the smile she looked so withdrawn inside herself. The red head looked at her friend and then nodded. 'I think tea is in order.'

*****