~-~-~-~-~-~
The Clockwise Witness
- DeVotchKa
~-~-~-~-~-~
"What are you doing here?" Addison asks, taken aback by the familiar figure waiting in baggage claim.
"Picking you up," Derek smiles easily, even given the absurdly early morning hour.
"You didn't have to," Addison insists, rubbing her burning, itchy eyes. When you leave on a whim sometimes you have to fly through the good times to be sleeping and she's used to her sleeping these days, what with all the free time she has.
He pulls her hand down, convinced he already knows that she'll be complaining in no time and then passed out in the front seat of his car minutes after that. "Richard mentioned you had called and I thought I'd be polite. No sense in finding a cab at this time."
"Then why isn't Richard here?" she snaps back, jutting an arm out to beat his in the race for her luggage.
"Board meeting tomorrow morning, he has to look good. I, on the other hand, generally look like I haven't slept in days so I don't mind."
Instead of arguing and causing a scene Addison shuts her mouth, gets a death grip on the black handle and trudges along behind him out into the rain unprepared. Her umbrella died a death and she has since forgotten to buy another. She puts it in the immediate "on fire" list along with a hundred other things. Steering her wheeled suitcase out the entire way to Derek's old rambling vehicle that she despises, she throws it in the back and hops in the front seat not awake enough to notice that her dress is riding up her thighs and her ex-husband is taking advantage of the situation.
Derek climbs in, spots the pale skin he used to love now a wonderful shade of tan, and clears his throat as a precaution. She startles but says nothing, letting her head fall against the door jam. "Night Addison."
"I'm not sleeping Derek, it's nearly impossible in this thing anyway," she tells him, a hand tapping against the sturdy metal frame to prove her point.
"I'm sure you'll find a way. You always do," he retorts, turning over the ignition. Secretly she loves this old thing that they used to take road trips out to Connecticut in. She even told him so on a few occasions when she was completely hammered and trying not to throw up in the backseat.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Stirring slightly, Addison reaches out a hand across the cold expanse of sheets and groans. The distinct taste in her mouth, something undoubtedly familiar, tells her that she did not brush her teeth after that bit of wine yesterday. Her eyes still closed she rolls to the left to get up and stumble to the bathroom but she rams into something on her way, something that places a warm arm over her body and snuggles into her neck.
Then it comes to her. Blue eyes springing open, she gasps deeply, nearly sending herself into a choking fit. The man behind her isn't Kevin, it's Derek and in the forty more seconds it takes to process how inappropriate that is she realizes that she does still have her clothes on from yesterday and that he is sleeping deeply and probably doesn't understand she isn't Meredith. She disentangles, lurches to a different bathroom than she was expecting and steals Derek's toothbrush to clean her mouth with. Finishing up, she tries in vain to get the wrinkles out of her dress and then wanders to the front porch to call a cab.
"Addison?"
"Oh!" she jumps, a hand flying to her chest before she spins around. "Richard! What are-how-you live out here?"
"Shep offered to let me use some of his land," he explains, drifting away for a moment before returning with an extra mug of coffee and waving her over to his porch.
She tumbles through the dew drenched grass barefoot, thoroughly disgusted by the wet blades tickling her feet and shivers when she reaches her destination. "Thanks for the ride."
"Well, I knew he'd get you where you needed to go safely," Richard say cryptically, more awake than she can hope to be in an hour.
"How's your meeting going?" Addison glances around at the sunrise blanketed forest. It's gorgeous up here, but it's not her thing. Fresh mountain air stops being impressive after the first week. "Looks really productive."
"Meeting?" Richard asks confused, dropping the front page of the paper on the table in front of her.
"Never mind," Addison mumbles and stares at the headlines endlessly. They haven't changed much. She wonders if the crossword up here in Seattle is any good, if she would be worried about doing it in pen instead of pencil. She never had any inclination to try before, she was still too hell bent on ignoring the fact that she had a new address.
"I'm glad you're back Addie," Richard smiles warmly.
"It's temporary," she replies instantly. She needs that light at the end of tunnel to make this okay.
"Well don't say we didn't warn you, but I'm sure you're going to be wooed persistently."
"I usually am," she grins slyly, before stealing the part of the paper she actually wants and looking around longingly for a writing utensil. "Do you-" she stops as a pen falls gracefully from the heavens above and Derek drops lazily into the chair next to her, a cup of morning best already stuck to his hand. "Thank you."
"Morning Shep," Richard says.
"Morning," Derek mumbles, thoughts circling how he close he got to be to his ex-wife all night, and how often he thinks about her in the not ex manner.
"I see you stayed last night," Richard begins, setting his section down and staring pointedly at the pair, Addison lost in her world of ups, downs and frustrating clues.
"I figured if I left her in the woods you would have had to deal with the screeching. I was doing you the favor."
"You could have taken me to a hotel," Addison interjects half-heartedly. She's missed this. All of it if she's honest. Her mentor, a close friend and even Derek, in whatever capacity she can have him. But this isn't about Derek. It's about helping. It's about the babies. She resolved on the plane ride just that one thing. She's here to do her job and to forget about the late night beach talks, to prove to herself that she and Derek don't go together anymore.
"Yes, however, you fell asleep before telling me where I should be going and when we got here you led yourself in and passed out again. Without a complaint might I add."
Addison rubs her neck, kinked from sleeping in a position she isn't used to anymore. Kevin she was usually curled up next to, her head on his chest but Derek likes to hold his bedmates tightly. He likes to feel them breathing. She distinctly remembers a time in her marriage when she felt like she was suffocating when he wasn't wrapped around her. "It's fine."
Derek stretches out his legs under the table as they grow silent, lost in their reading and games, Derek watching the sun compete with the clouds as it comes to a high point in the sky. Soon they'll have to leave. There's paperwork to do and lives to save but for a moment he can pretend and he can relish in his good fortune, in his luck.
He doesn't know what he's doing but it feels too good to stop.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Derek," Richard calls out, trying to catch up to his pace. They find themselves shoved into the elevator moments later, Richard thankful that everyone is too immersed in their work to care about what he is saying. "I brought Addison-"
"Nothing happened," Derek groans, face down to his cell phone, trying to text Meredith back and tell her than dinner sounds great and that he's off at nine.
"You're damn right nothing happened," Richard interrupts loudly.
"Relax," Derek exhales, "I slept on the couch. Addison slept on the bed. Never shall the two mingle. Now, I have lives to save...Chief."
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Addison, hold on a second please," Richard tells her as she drops a chart off at the nurses station and starts back toward the new NICU.
"Hello Richard, here to supervise?" Addison grins and starts striding forward, encouraged by his first day visit.
"No, no. I...Addie," he steers her toward a small alcove by her arm. "I need you word that nothing happened last night and if it did...I don't want to know," he pauses growing flustered, "that's not what I mean. What I mean is...I need to know but I don't want to know but Meredith is-"
"Richard, relax and breathe," Addison instructs patting his arm. "I slept on the couch. Derek slept in his own space. No big deal. I found a nice hotel room this morning and my things are being delivered as we speak."
"You slept on the couch?" Richard asks suspiciously, fresh off his visit with Derek.
Catching on Addison stumbles only slightly, her voice inadvertently peaking up at the end. "Derek slept on the couch?"
"That sounds more probable," Richard concurs wearily.
"Derek slept on the couch," Addison affirms confidently with a tell-all smile. "And I slept on the bed and now I'm safely tucked away uptown."
"Uh-huh."
"Richard, honestly, you're headed straight for another anxiety attack. Don't worry about it. I know what I'm doing."
"That's what I'm afraid of," Richard mutters under his breath as she swaggers away to go make him some more money. In theory this was such a wonderful idea, in actuality he may be causing more headaches than it's worth.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Derek!" Meredith shouts, well above the low hum of the television.
"Huh-what?" Derek replies, draping his arm over the back of the couch and scouting closer to her.
"You aren't even listening to me. I'm going to bed." She shakes her head understandingly, hopes that they can get it back together tomorrow, find that level of cohesion, and scurries away for a few precious hours of recharging.
It takes Derek less than ten minutes to scoop his keys off the cluttered counter, a mess with muffin pans. He shakes the residual flour off his possession and nearly runs to the street.
He's feeling no worse for arriving then he did when he left. However, when she answers the door half-awake he begins having second thoughts.
"What do you want?" Addison groans, eyes squinting at the light trying to invade her dark room.
"I-" Derek pauses. He doesn't know what he wants. He just needed to see her. An impulse.
"Go home. Stop whatever you are thinking because I don't care and go home to Meredith before she can figure out that you are gone." She slams the door in his face because she's not in the mood for long talks about feelings and crap, and then shuffles back to the bed to become comatose for the better part of seven hours. Readjusting to hospital time has been difficult and her body and mind are protesting at every new patient piled up in her wing.
Derek leans against the wall opposite her door, the lump still secure in his throat. Part of him wants to demand to be let in, so he can be heard out, but the more rational side understands what is happening. He rises slumped forward, exhales, and resolves to not involve Addison until he is certain.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Stop looking at your ex-husband...stop it...no, you are over him. You are." Callie says softly, appearing to be having a conversation with her lunch tray.
Addison looks from side to side, heart racing, wondering if she's that transparent. "Yes, thank you. I needed that."
"Oh hey!" Callie smiles, delighted that someone will sit with her. "Sorry, giving myself a little pep talk. I seem to be going through this missing George phase for some reason. I should hate his guts, you'd hate him right? I mean...never mind," she decides remembering the tangled history. She has always been wonderful at sticking her foot in her mouth.
"It comes and goes," Addison answers quickly switching the topic, "So..."
"No, nothing new. I work, I drink, I try not to screw interns."
"Been there," Addison verifies. Oh lord, how she's been there.
"We need to go out. You'll go out with me right? Keep me from making horrible, horrible mistakes?" Callie nods for her when the fork full of greens enters her friend's mouth. "God I'm so glad you are back. Mark's been...otherwise occupied and I need a person."
"Happy to help." Addison pushes her salad around some more before giving up and moving on to her water. She's too nervous to eat, and too high strung to focus on anything today.
"So tonight? Joe's?"
"We should try somewhere new," Addison pushes not wanting to deal with anything or anyone work related. She misses the beach like she never thought she would. She misses talking to her patients for more than ten minutes before being shoved out of the room toward another. It's busy and new and she knows that it will slow down and she'll get a handle on it but for now it's difficult.
"Not tonight. Tonight we need familiarity," Callie decides. "For your return."
"Alright," Addison agrees, without the energy to fight her.
~-~-~-~-~-~
He's been watching her for approximately three hours, 25 minutes, and 43 seconds. Not that he's counting. And not that Callie is giving him any time to intervene and buy a drink. He chucks another dart at the board, narrowly missing the bull's eye.
"She's really cramping your style still?" Mark asks, taking his own shot.
"What?"
"Addison," Mark clarifies, reaching for his beer. "You've been glaring all damn night."
"Yeah." Derek will let everyone think whatever they want.
"I thought you guys were all rehabilitated and civil," Mark tries cautiously. He never knows where he lays in this mess.
"We are," Derek groans and drowns himself in scotch.
Three hours, 27 minutes, ten seconds and counting. Clearly she is having more fun.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Addison isn't sure who arrived first but Derek has definitely been behind her for most of the night. In the name of that she's taking it slow, sipping drinks instead of guzzling, trying not to become an inebriated idiot because bad things happen and she's not here for those bad things. She's here for that job she wants to leave. It's so much pressure to be in the same vicinity as him every day, she had almost forgotten.
Callie interrupts the stupid thoughts of bed hair and cozy sleeping positions to tell her she's no fun and Addison reminds her that someone has to make sure she leaves alone. They wander through a bowl of peanuts, discuss everything that means nothing, and laugh heartily over the sordid tales both have gathered in the last few months.
Addison still knows how to have a good time but oddly she's been wishing Derek was about twenty feet closer all night. Regrettably, he keeps sneering at her every time their glances meet. It's not going to happen and she's a fool for thinking it might.
Perhaps the visit was a fluke. A midlife crisis for his midlife crisis.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Miranda, green or black?"
"What am I choosing?" Miranda rolls her eyes.
"I have a date. Green or black?" Addison asks quite seriously. Her second week in town and Derek's seemed to lay off a little, neither speaking unless forced to, literally. Sometimes she thinks she sees him out of the corner or her eye but she's chalked it up to wishful thinking and moved on...with Tad.
"I have a great many skills Addison, none of them are helping you dress yourself."
"Oh come on, secretly I know you like girly things. I won't tell anyone." Addison twirls her pen through her fingers speedily, proving her own talents and then resorts to scribbling on the page in front of her.
"I am not your mother," Miranda warns, snapping up a chart before leaning in. "Try green."
"Thank you!" Addison calls out as the shorter woman retreats in embarrassment. "Oh Callie, green or black?"
"What are you taking a poll on?" Callie asks as Derek unknowingly slips closer.
"I have a date. Green or black?"
"Black. Always black."
"One and one," Addison grins spinning around to see Derek approaching. It's not a mirage. Adrenaline floods her core and she grabs her silent pager, shakes it confused, and then takes off.
"What the-" Callie begins and then stops when she sees the Neurosurgeon drifting toward her. "Of course."
Derek drops his head, and clenches the two cups in his hands tighter before giving up completely. He's been trying for almost a week now, especially after the particularly disastrous meeting yesterday. A week of aimlessly driving at night, trying to avoid her hotel. A week of purposefully finding ways to sit in on her surgeries. Seven days of darting in and out of the NICU and memorizing the board so he could know where she was at all times. And now, if his ears don't deceive him, she has a date with someone who is unquestionably better than him, better for her than him. He has to do something.
"Dr. Torres," he grins, proffering the cup of hot cocoa that she may not even like. "Juju."
"What do I need juju for?"
"Your date tonight," he blurts out.
"I don't have a date tonight," Callie tells him annoyed already.
"You do now," Derek nods. "Well...not a date per say because Meredith and I...but we never hang out Dr. Torres and that's a shame...we should know each other better than that. I think we owe it to ourselves," he pauses when her eyebrows arch in protest. She's not his biggest fan and honestly he's not surprised. "I'm buying."
"Deal," she smiles, almost positive of what's happening but still intent on making him work for it every step of the way.
"I'll pick you up at seven?"
"Eight," Callie corrects knowingly. "We should try that new place downtown. I hear it's...sinful. Think you can still get reservations?"
"Oh...sure," Derek nods. "Yeah, I can do that. So eight then?"
"Meet you in the lobby. Bring your wallet."
That leaves him about three and a half hours to figure out where the hell Addison has her date, its proximity to the place he is headed, an escape route, and a way to call it off so he has enough time to properly research the competition. It's going to be a busy afternoon.
~-~-~-~-~-~
"Too...revealing?" Addison asks, twirling around her office, Callie lying lazily on the couch behind her. She got a significantly better space this time, no more staring at the interns having lunch outside her window.
"Not revealing enough," Callie snorts and tries to mentally sort through what she has in her locker that she can wear. It's going to be a tight squeeze.
"Cal," Addison whines. "I want this to work. I need a good date. I haven't had one in months."
"Translation- you need to get laid?" Callie waits but Addison doesn't answer. "You know I bet Mark would still be willing to...service you."
"I'm not a car!" Addison shouts and flops onto the end of the couch, two different pairs of heels in hand, one red dress nearly painted on.
"What are you doing with Derek?" Callie asks hesitantly. Yes, it's her job. No, she doesn't care.
"I- what do you mean?" Addison sputters suddenly, mouth talking immediately but not intelligently.
"Oh Addison," Callie sighs and then rolls herself up, slapping her knees as she goes.
"What?" Addison nearly screams as she leaves the room without another word.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Tad's stats are about as unimpressive as his overall character. He's boring, balding, and an accountant but right now, to Addison he's the funniest man alive. She giggles at another lame joke that could have been told better by a chicken and leans forward, face supported by her hand. This will never go any further than tonight, not that she didn't know that when she asked him out earlier, but she'll be damned if she isn't a little scatter-brained by Callie's disapproving tone earlier.
There might need to be a public service announcement about how she is here for work and not to rekindle...anything with anyone, least of all the man she couldn't work out a marriage with. "Tad," she brushes his hand softly, "would you excuse me for just a moment? I want to go freshen up."
"Sure," he grins widely and settles back into his chair, rubbing the spot she just touched.
Derek seizes his opportunity the moment it arrives. "Callie, I need- I will be right back."
"Do what you gotta do," Callie shrugs, their conversation already awkward and at a near standstill. She saw Addison being ushered in by the shorter, homely man an hour earlier and that's all she needed.
He gulps heavily on his way over to the table, carefully hiding behind large plants and corners just in case Addison doesn't actually take long, in case this date is going better than it looks like it is going.
"Hi," Derek smirks taking Addison's seat and facing the man that shouldn't even be in the league below his ex-wife's, not that Addison is amazingly confident all the time, especially with dating he recalls.
"Hello," Tad greets. "You-"
"My name is not really important. The woman you are with, how do I put this," he pauses, "she's married."
"What?" Tad asks frantically, his own wedding ring digging into his pant's pocket.
"Nearly 13 years. Sorry." Derek takes a sip of water and then stands again, more reassured that he did the right thing.
Addison carefully dabs a towel with water and presses it just under her eyes. She doesn't care if her makeup smudges because she is going out of her mind. She could have sworn...no, it's not even a possibility. Taking her time, she arrives back at the table to find Tad missing but the check taken care of already. She supposes that's what she gets for asking out the first guy she saw after her elevator run in with Derek yesterday.
"Listen to me, please," Derek begs, hitting the stop button. He's positive. Now he just needs a plan. He started this after all, it's his obligation to see it through.
"I have patients," Addison tells him, her voice shaky and callous. Today is not the day to test her.
"I feel...I miss you," he relents softly. "I miss you all the time now. Not just sometimes Addie. All the time. At night, in the morning, during surgeries...I wish you were watching. And I-"
"-have Meredith," she finishes for him, lips pursing unapologetically. "I'm not the person you fall back on. I'm not some contingency plan for when it all goes up in flames with the blonde. I won't be that woman." That woman is her...whatever she is. Mother, she believes is what the rest of the world calls it.
"It's not like that," Derek insists.
"I don't believe you," Addison retorts, taking it upon herself to start the elevator again.
"You do," he pauses watching her head start to smoke, "you came back."
~-~-~-~-~-~
There's something about Addison that always invades. At one point he felt crowded by her but now it's all consuming in a different way, in the way it was when they began dating. Except they aren't dating, they aren't even speaking and Meredith is currently yelling in his general direction. He tries to argue back but his heart isn't in it. He never wanted to hurt her but leaving without explanation won't be good either and saying it was a mistake? Worse.
"What do you want Derek?" Meredith questions ominously. The floor plans, talks about babies, it was a hoax. She was filling in, this whole time, and it's infuriating. She thought, well she didn't think it was like this. They were so solid, so good lately, for them.
"I don't...know," he says softly, not wanting Alex or Izzie or Mark or Lexie or whoever the hell else is staying here tonight to hear what's happening in the room upstairs.
"I should...what was it even for? Why did you drag me through- get out. Get out," she demands, pushing him toward the door with the little fists he used to love.
"Meredith," he stops and rethinks. "I didn't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you, I love you. That's not...what I want from this."
"I'm not hurt," she illuminates, "I'm angry. Leave."
When he makes it down the creaking stairs she collapses and breaks, the water that's been dying to get out for months finally catapulting out of her eyes. It was all too good to be true.
~-~-~-~-~-~
Better ideas, she's had them. Hiding behind newspapers inauspiciously, dashing around corners and then watching from a safe distance, sitting behind the new interns in his galleries. All bad things she's allowed in the last week. Never a sentence shared, but she could tell you exactly what he's worn to and from work every day. But this is probably her worst idea to date, for several reasons. One, Richard lives four feet away and will see her. There is no way around it. He will ask questions, sniff around, and she's not interested putting something into words that she can't even accurately describe in her head. Two, it's completely rash and not thought out. There's this urge, desire to just be held, nothing more.
It's a bad day and she makes mistakes. That's the way it goes. History repeats.
The sturdy headlights blast through the night on the bumpy journey and while she has plenty of time to talk herself out of this, she isn't, she's not even trying. Fiddling with the radio, looking for deer and other woodland creatures, adjusting mirrors, that's how she spends the drive.
If he's not there, she'll leave. It's simple and that's what should happen, ideally. He doesn't live out here anymore. Maybe she'll dash in and steal a shirt to sleep in or something, never speaking of it to anyone, including Naomi who has been checking her progress this entire time. Impressed, but she won't be anymore.
Addison doesn't see the other headlights behind her until it's too late. There's no choice but to head up the muddy "driveway" and pray it's her boss behind her, even though she knows it's not. Reluctantly, guiltily she climbs out and faces him. The rain falls in heavy sheets and she should dash to the porch but she can't move. It's not her place without being invited in and he's just watching her, steadily, needing a first move.
Her body slacks against the slick vehicle, lights still blaring forward, making her little spot seem so much darker than it is. "I-"
"Addison, I-"
"I think...I forgot...my...other set of keys here," she regurgitates poorly.
"Oh," he pouts, "yeah, let's...go look." He leads the way, reminding her to turn her car lights off so the battery doesn't die overnight, assuming they are both staying. Once inside, he kicks out of his wet shoes, pulls the short socks down his feet and heads to the closet. He tosses her an old pair of sweats and a shirt that may actually even be hers, a few remnants left over from him moving out, and he's thankful to have something to offer other than forgotten boxers and an undershirt.
She changes in the kitchen quickly, from a need for dry heat and to relieve social awkwardness. Then she carefully tosses her wet clothes into the dryer, knocks on the paneling, and enters the bedroom when she gets no response.
Derek holds up the blankets on the bed he has already situated himself on and without permission pulls her back flush against him, body loosening as he feels her come in contact.
"If Richard asks," Addison mumbles, finally succumbing to the exhaustion of trying to hold back for so long, "you slept on the couch."
"Night Addie," he whispers into the darkness, the wind outside howling heavily around them, creating a melody of loud lullabies to whisk them away.
~-~-~-~-~-~