Part II
It's Tuesday and the headache hasn't eased at all and he can hardly deal with it even though he's had practice. The man inside him is knocking even more persistently and he knows he needs to give in but every time he sits down to write all that comes out are sonnets of cerulean and epithets to elegance.
His stare, a sharp and piercing haze
His voice, a smooth and sweet caress
His charm, a calm and quiet gaze
His lips, a perfect measured press
And there's more, more, more, and the man inside is shouting at him to stop writing nonsense, stop thinking nonsense, ignore the urge to finish that sappy sonnet and let him take control. He wishes he could but he can only see cerulean haze and he can't relax.
And there's more, more, more, and he has to clench his fists in order to stop himself from picking up that pen again. He doesn't trust himself to start typing because he knows his words will take the shape of a beautiful man who is a god in human's clothing and is married to an angel in devil's clothing.
The man in his head pounds on the inside of his skull again and he can't tell whether he's going to laugh or cry because it hurts and he's never been able to ignore the pleas and demands of the people inside his head but fuck, all he wants is to see Roxas again.
It's only been two days and he already has something like withdrawals and he thinks maybe Kairi meant that Roxas is a drug, because Axel suddenly can't get enough.
It's two weeks later and the man inside has quieted. Axel feels like a lost cause – he has finally relaxed enough to write, and now there's nothing to record. He wants to see Roxas again but he doesn't because he knows the man inside will come back, eventually. He wants to be prepared when it happens.
But when he wakes up in cold sweats and has to run to the bathroom to retch he realizes there's more to this than he suspected and he suspects Roxas doesn't know the extent of it either. It's more than just being addicted to Roxas, he's addicted to that house and the dream just now was about a man with blond hair and a cup of drugged coffee.
He thinks maybe these withdrawals are not emotional but physical, and he doesn't know what he's missing but he knows he'll go insane if he keeps missing it. He doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know how to do it but he does know he needs to go back to that house, back to Roxas, back to the singing of his every nerve and the kisses which leave him incapacitated.
It doesn't take him very long to dress and he realizes he's been eating less than usual, because his regular clothes hang off his frame and his face is unusually pale and sunken. He's colder than he should be, even in winter, and he doesn't remember the last time he even picked up a fork or a spoon or a bowl.
Within minutes he's on the free tram and thinking, thinking, thinking. And then he's racing toward Memory Lane and trying, trying, trying not to think. But then he's in front of the house and he realizes how rash this is and how weird it'll look to Roxas and Larxene and anyone else who might be there.
He knocks on the door, and there's no answer. He doesn't know why he suddenly grabs the knob and twists, but it's unlocked and he thinks that's strange until he sees all the people and he realizes he's just walked into another party. He makes it a point to avoid the snake-green eyes which haunt his dreams, and instead pushes through the throngs of people and keeps an eye out for Roxas or even Larxene because she'll most likely know where he is.
He finds Roxas in the kitchen, drinking something dark like red wine out of a large goblet of some kind and sitting on the table. He's alone, which seems strange until Axel realizes that Roxas isn't exactly a social type. He wonders why Roxas even throws these parties, but he must have his reasons because he does it a lot, apparently.
Roxas' eyes go very, very wide.
"Axel? You're…I didn't expect…"
It's sort of but not really nice to see Roxas lose his composure for a moment, because it reminds Axel of Roxas' humanity but it takes away from the picture of a god in his mind. He can't decide whether he wants to worship the blond or throw him down on a bed somewhere, and he settles for wanting to worship his body and replies, "Uh…I know I wasn't invited, but I wanted to see you again."
It's sort of but not really an apology and he fidgets slightly when Roxas only stares over the rim of his odd goblet. After the last of the liquid (he's sure it's red wine, by now) is gone, Roxas hops off the counter and slowly approaches him. "You wanted to…see me."
It's a question disguised as a statement just like Larxene is an angel disguised as a devil and the odd (incorrect) thought makes him laugh outright. "Of course I did. I wouldn't have come, otherwise."
"That's…good."
And they're kissing again, and his nerves are singing again, and there's a biting taste on his tongue – metallic and bitter – but it's not a bad kind of bitter. It's bitter like salt and sweet, like sea-salt ice cream, like Roxas himself and he catches the scent of rose milk.
He threads his fingers through Roxas' hair, marveling at the softness of it and bringing the man closer to his body. He might be a year younger but he's also taller, and he might not be the strongest person but Roxas seems almost too weak. He's sick but no one could be that sick and for a moment he entertains the thought that Roxas might be faking weakness. But he disregards it quickly; partly because Roxas doesn't have a reason to do that but mostly because Roxas makes a sound which is a cross between a moan and a purr and his whole. World. Shifts.
And suddenly he realizes that the Boy is pa-the-tic and he can't get enough of that ce-ru-le-an gaze. Roxas' nails are digging into his hips harshly but not deep enough to draw blood and his hip is digging into Axel's pelvis and he's so se-duc-tive he can barely breathe.
But no, this is his time. He makes a growling noise he doesn't remember making but he kind of does and pulls the Boy as close as he can without actually meshing their bodies completely.
Cerulean. Cerulean. Ce-ru-le-an, and it's all over his body and in his head and fuck, fuck, fuck that feels de-li-cious.
There's something feral and foreign and com-plete-ly terrifying taking over his psyche, but he has enough Axel left to remember that this is Roxas, the same Roxas who has him running to a party in a mansion on a Monday night and he's afraid he's going to ruin things somehow so he pulls away and puts his hand over his chest.
He realizes he's panting, and Roxas is too, and something about the way Roxas' chest rises and falls in an erratic pattern brings him completely back to reality.
Roxas tentatively reaches out a hand and Axel takes it, and he tries to ignore the prickling of his skin. He follows Roxas out of the kitchen and up the stairs and past the painting which haunts him from behind and they're soon in the same bedroom as before – the one with all the books. He wonders how many Roxas has, if he has to store them in his bedroom as well as in the library, but it's only a passing thought because as soon as they're lying down (facing each other, on opposite sides, fingers barely touching and so, so intimate) Roxas starts speaking.
"Larxene was right," he breathes, looking at Axel in something like wonder.
"What do you mean?" He's confused and his voice is just as breathy as Roxas' and somehow it sounds vulnerable and he doesn't like it.
"She told me…that you intoxicate me. She told me I should get rid of you."
He doesn't really know if he should be afraid or not so he asks, "Are you going to get rid of me?"
"Don't be stupid. You're like a rose; I can't just strip you bare and throw you away. I have to keep you around until you're old and tired because you're also like a drug."
"That's very far-sighted of you," he states, because he doesn't know what else to say.
Roxas scoots a tiny bit closer and asks, "Is that a refusal?"
"Of course not," he scoffs. "You're just as addicting to me as you say I am to you."
And then they're kissing again, and it's fast and slow and gentle and harsh and Roxas is inside his mouth or maybe he's inside Roxas' mouth and their hands are doing something pleasant and he doesn't care that Roxas is practically lying on top of him because Roxas is a skinny little thing and it's not like he hasn't fantasized about this anyway.
That feral side tries to take over but he clamps down on it before he can do anything that might ruin this, but he bites Roxas' lower lip harshly and suddenly Roxas is off the bed, panting, running his forefinger over his lip and sighing when it comes off clean.
"You can't make me bleed," he says weakly, holding his left hand over his chest. "I'll ruin you. I can't ruin you."
Axel can only watch the rise and fall of that beautiful chest and ask, "Why?"
"Because you…what if you…I can't guarantee that you'll wake up in the morning."
It's at this point that he realizes something is wrong and something bigger than life is happening and he's not scared even though he probably should be. "What, you think I'd die or something?"
Roxas flies to his side and grabs his hand and says almost desperately, "Don't say that! You're not going to die!"
He doesn't know why but the almost-plea scares him more than anything he's ever heard so he says, "Okay…I believe you."
But he's not sure if he does and he has no reason not to trust Roxas but he's not sure if he does that either.
He wakes in a bed of rose milk-scented clouds and even though he's alone he feels like he's in heaven. The clouds are blacker than storm clouds, black as night and dotted with nothing. The curtains are open and he knows it's nighttime because the moonlight caresses his face and neck. He realizes he doesn't know what the back of the mansion looks like so he stands and presses his face to the window and frowns in not anger but confusion.
It's Roxas he sees first, but the faceless brunette woman second and Larxene third. Larxene taps a finger nervously on her collarbone and twitches her head sporadically, looking around as if searching for prying eyes like Axel's. But even though he can see her he's pretty sure she can't see him because of her position.
Roxas is kissing the brunette but not on the lips because it's on her forearms and her neck and it's taking a long time and he thinks he sees something strange in the picture but he's not sure because they're shadowed in some sort of alcove.
The brunette arches and opens her mouth wide like his lips are giving her more pleasure than she's ever felt in her entire life, and her sweet brown eyes are hazy like dying embers. She says something but of course he can't hear it but the way her face looks makes him think of a prayer or a plea. Roxas kisses her neck again and sucks in a gentle-harsh sort of way and her whole body quivers like a tree in a hurricane and she collapses from the intensity.
He backs away and looks at his wife, and Axel sees bright lights within cerulean waves like the stars are reflecting in his irises. She hugs him in a very ungentle and awkward way and his shoulders shake with what looks like laughter as he buries his face in her neck.
Larxene says something he can't hear but the way her face looks makes him think of bedtime stories and love and he retreats to the bed again because he feels oddly ashamed. He feels like he shouldn't have seen that bit of intimacy – not the part where Roxas made love to the brunette with just his lips but the part where he laughed and the universe exploded in his eyes.
He tries and tries and when he finally falls asleep, the man inside appears and beats him up and swallows him whole.
In the morning he tries to leave without saying goodbye and he writes a note on a pad by the stairs. He scribbles with a pen that he got called away early, and before he can thank Roxas for letting him stay someone taps him on the shoulder and the pen jerks a thick blue line on the paper.
It's the man from his other dream – not the one who swallowed him whole, but the one who gave him coffee and he thinks maybe he's psychic because there's coffee again. For some reason it feel like the man shouldn't be there but he is and he's holding coffee.
"I didn't expect you to come back," the blond says, and there's something about him Axel doesn't like.
"I wasn't sure I'd come back," he replies honestly. He fidgets with the pen in his hand because he doesn't know what else to do.
"I understand…this place is very alluring, no?"
This isn't how this is supposed to work, something's wrong with the man's voice. He's not speaking correctly and he's still holding out the coffee like an offering.
"Is this for me?"
"It was, but I'm not sure I should-"
And Roxas is there, eyes narrow, staring at the blond holding the coffee cup with poison lacing his gaze. "Vexen."
Axel vaguely recognizes that name but he can't quite remember where he heard it, so he stays silent and watches the strange exchange.
"Roxas," Vexen says neutrally. He looks strong at first glance but Axel can see that he's nervous for some reason or another. He keeps sending a pleading look toward Axel but he doesn't know what he's supposed to do so he stays silent.
"What is in that cup?"
"Coffee."
Axel watches curiously as Roxas takes the mug, sniffs it, swirls it around (this isn't a wine-tasting but it kind of looks like it and the man is starting to pound on his head again and he really needs to get home before his head starts to ache), and raises an eyebrow. He presses the mug into Axel's hands and says, "Drink."
And Axel drinks because Roxas told him to and when it comes down to it, he's powerless to ignore anything that has to do with Roxas.
It tastes like black coffee, perfectly bitter. It's hot and burns his throat but other than that, nothing seems amiss. He drains the cup and shrugs and watches Roxas' face because Roxas is watching Vexen who still looks nervous.
And when they've all been standing there for fifteen minutes, silent and unmoving, Axel's head starts to pound and he says, "I need to get home. My head is screaming at me."
Roxas' eyes narrow and then widen and then Axel is graced with a smile. It's a small smile but it's on Roxas' face so of course it's beautiful. "You shouldn't keep it waiting, then."
Axel lets himself out and feels the green snake-green eyes on him but it's really not as creepy as he thought it was before.
It's a week later and his fingers are singing but not of the man inside. He's stuck on sonnets of cerulean and epithets to elegance and his head is screaming but at least he's halfway done with the man's request. It hurts and he's tired but he can only see cerulean in his mind and taste Roxas in his mouth.
I feel a tugging at my soul
And long for sense I cannot make
I am but half inside a whole
Cerulean, my heart's mistake
Because Kairi was right, he should never have gone to that house, should never have kissed Roxas, tasted Roxas, memorized Roxas. It's like memorizing the list of prepositions, because the periodic table turns into about above across after against along among around and all he wants to do is find gold.
But maybe he really just wants to find what this is about because he remembers Roxas above him and the small smile across his face and the moon after he woke up and his face against the glass and fingers running along his cheek and being among faceless strangers and he can't wrap his mind around it.
And he could go on and on because Roxas is R-O-X-A-S, so committed in his memory that he wonders how the fuck he forgot before, but he doesn't want to go on and on because his brain is going on and on and the man inside is shouting at him to stop thinking nonsense.
Roxas is driving him crazy and the strangest thing of all is that he kind of wants it to happen, wants to see what will happen, wants to find out why this is all happening in the first place.
He's out of food again and he's got six dollars left, so he dresses warmly and runs to the market. It's purely by accident, but he spies the face of the brunette woman with sweet brown eyes on a newspaper, and reads about how she was found washed up on a riverbank with slit wrists and a slit throat.
Something bubbles inside him like bile but it's not because he recognizes the feeling. The feeling is fear, because there's not a lot of crime in Twilight Town except for missing persons, but everyone just figures they're runaways because most people think it's boring here. And his eyes are stuck to her face because he remembers how Roxas paid special attention to her wrists and throat. He wonders if Roxas has seen the suicide article and if he feels sick because the tender spots he kissed are the same ones she cut open before throwing herself off Twilight Bridge.
He decides he'll go see Roxas because he thinks he left his phone there anyway, and Kairi is probably worried about him because they haven't talked in a while and he's a little worried about the ill blond who's stolen his heart in a matter of days or weeks or months.
When Larxene answers the door she's wearing a simple black tank top with strings for shoulder straps and her expression is thunderous. He notices even through the strange bracers on her forearms that she has delicate wrists, and he remembers that he doesn't remember ever seeing her in short sleeves.
She steps aside but not before saying, "You shouldn't be here, asshole."
He doesn't know how to respond to that so he doesn't and instead asks, "Is Roxas in?"
"Of course he is; it's daytime," she replies, as if he should've known that. Her tone is condescending and arrogant and it might irritate him but it's true; he should've known that.
He nods and she points one finger toward the library. Axel realizes that neither of them wears a wedding ring but they're obviously in love and they are married so he doesn't really get it. He enters the library after a short walk and stops short because he sees something so beautiful he can hardly breathe.
It's Roxas, who is breathtaking anyway, but he's stretched out on the table with one leg over the other and his torso twisted so he can prop his head up on one hand. He has a glass of red wine in the other and he's studying something by candlelight. When he looks up Axel sees the universe exploding again but he realizes there are tears dripping down Roxas' face. It's only a moment before he is at Roxas' side, behind him, wrapping his arms around him, listening to Roxas' harsh breathing.
It's the newspaper in front of him and Axel suddenly understands.
They don't say anything, just sit there for a while, and Roxas' body gives one violent shudder before his breath evens out and he smiles with nothing but cerulean beauty because his lips don't move.
"Did Larx let you in?"
"Yeah. She told me I shouldn't be here, but she told me where you were."
Roxas laughs, but it sounds kind of hollow. "She really looks out for us. But it's a little too late now, I think."
He wants to ask but his words stick between his lungs and his mouth and make his heart pound quickly. Instead, when he opens his mouth all that comes out is, "Have you heard from Naminé lately?"
"She's in Traverse Town with Kairi, for the product launch. Didn't they call you?"
"I think I left my phone here," he replies, and he knows he should probably feel embarrassed but he's not.
Roxas twines their fingers together and shifts so his head is against Axel's shoulder. It's wonderful in a way he'd never be able to write because enough of his body is pressed against Roxas to make his nerves sing but it's not enough to make him tremble.
"You make me feel like rain," Roxas whispers, and he's not sure what that means but fuck, that's oddly poetic.
He doesn't reply verbally but he puts his free hand over Roxas' hips and lets it rest on his stomach. It feels like Roxas barely eats because it's almost dipped inward and hard like there's nothing there but taut skin like a drum.
Before he can stop himself his tongue is running over Roxas' neck like ice skates on a frozen pond and his lips brush skin like they want to touch but they're afraid. Roxas wriggles like a worm and for a moment Axel thinks he's hurt, but their eyes meet and he knows it's nothing like that.
"You have…" Roxas takes a deep breath and continues, "No idea what you do to me."
"If it's anything similar to what you do to me, then I think I do," he whispers, and he's about to lean over and taste Roxas' lips but the door opens and he sees poison green darken with something like concern.
"I'm going to be gone until tomorrow night," she says, and gives Roxas a glance which has something hidden in it. Axel doesn't understand but it doesn't matter. She continues, "Try not to do anything stupid tonight."
Roxas tenses and says, "I wouldn't."
She sighs and smiles but it's nothing like her regular dangerous one. It's tired and resigned and Axel doesn't like it because it means something's changing and if something's changing it will affect Roxas and it will probably be bad.
"Love you, Rox."
"Love you too, Larx. Stay safe."
"Asshole," she murmurs, but there's a fondness to it Axel doesn't understand. He knows he should feel bad, he knows he should be disgusted because he's lying with her husband in the library, in a very intimate way, and Roxas just told her he loves her even though his eyes are hazy with want.
But no matter what, he can't bring himself to care all that much and he thinks something's happening to him, something bad.
Roxas sits up and watches as Larxene doesn't shut the door. He drains the rest of his glass – it's that same strange goblet from before – and stands shakily. "I'm going to go rinse this out. You can go upstairs if you want."
And by that he's pretty sure Roxas means the bedroom and he's a little scared of what that means but he's using most of his energy to make his lungs work. Larxene isn't even out of the house yet and Roxas is making suggestions he probably shouldn't be making in the first place but it's beyond Axel to worry at this point. He's only scared that Roxas will get hurt somehow because he's ill and fragile and kind of like a doll.
On the way up he passes that same fuckin' weird painting and he has to avert his eyes because it still feels like it's haunting him.
When he enters the bedroom Larxene is sitting on the bed and glaring lightning at him, and he makes to leave but she beckons to him with one finger and he wants to hear what she has to say about all of this.
"What do you think about Roxas?"
It's a question he didn't expect but he knows how to answer. "He's the most amazing person I've ever met."
She laughs and it's sharp and hollow and he feels like he should want to flinch but he doesn't. "I know. He killed my fiancée and I still love him."
He thinks his eyes go wide but it's hard to say because he can only think about what she said. "What do you mean, he…killed someone?"
"Do you know the meaning of 'kill,' numbskull?"
"Obviously. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't know what it meant."
She pauses, and then changes the subject entirely, and he doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but he thinks it's probably bad because she says, "I need to know if you love him. Tell me if you love him."
He sits and waits for the answer to come to him but it doesn't because he's known him for only a little while but he's also known him forever and he really just doesn't know about anything any more.
"Please…I need to know."
It's a weird begging tone he doesn't like at all because it looks wrong, wrong, wrong in her voice and on her face and written in her every move like sad music. So he says, "I don't know but I…think I might, or I might be able to."
She raises a hand like she's going to slap him but she puts it down and says, "That's not an answer. I need to know if you love Roxie."
He does and he doesn't because he loves everything about Roxas but he doesn't know everything about Roxas but he thinks the answer is, "Yes. I do."
Her face falls but only for a moment because then her poison green eyes are shocking his very core and she says, "You need to get out of here."
He frowns in one part confusion and ninety-nine parts frustration. "What? Why?"
"Because you love Roxas. If you truly love him, you'll leave and never come back."
"What the…what the hell? You love him and he loves you, and you're not leaving. I'm not trying to butt in or ruin everything, you know. I don't know what you're thinking here, but you don't have to worry because I'm not trying to take him away from you."
"Honey, I know you're not. And that just makes him want you even more."
Axel has no idea what she's talking about and he thinks his confusion shows on his face because she says with a strange not-sad smile, "Oh, yes. He loves me, but he loves you more. We're married, but we both know we're not meant to stay together forever; we love each other deeply, but I can't give him what he needs, Red."
"And I can? I don't really…get this." He doesn't and it's frustrating because there are secrets everyone's keeping and they're the secrets they keep from him.
"What a poor little sheltered boy. Yes, you can. You can, and that's why you have to get out of here. If he gets to you, you will absolutely destroy him. I refuse to see the man I love break apart completely because of something as stupid as love."
"You're not making any sense!"
"I'm sure you know this by now, but he's sick. Oh, yes, he's very sick. And he has to be so, so careful…the disease travels through blood, you know. If somehow his blood gets into your bloodstream…you'll get sick. He loves you; he'll never forgive himself if you end up dead."
He doesn't like her tone of voice or her thunderous eyes or the condescending look on her face so he raises his chin and repeats, "He loves you."
"I'm special; I'm immune to the disease. Call it a lucky break, if you will. We can share blood all we want and it will never hurt me. But it will hurt you and it will hurt him."
"Well how do you know? Maybe I'm the same-"
She shakes her head and clicks her tongue on the roof of her mouth. "No, you're not. You're O-positive, right?"
"Well, yeah, but how did you-"
"The only lucky ones are AB-negative. And even then, it's a rare immunity; Roxas is AB-negative, and he still has the disease."
He hates her he hates her he hates her and he doesn't know why she's doing this or how she knows his blood type or why she's so concerned about how he feels about her husband and how they feel about each other and he's so confused and he hates her. "Why are you concerned about me? If he loves you, he'll stay with-"
"I'm not jealous. That's a laugh and a half. If he gets his hands on you, you'll completely destroy each other."
He's irritated and confused and he yells at her, "Stop being cryptic and tell me what's going on!"
And then there's a knock on the door and Roxas steps inside the bedroom and sighs and Axel thinks he probably knows what's going on because he says, "I'll take it from here, Larx. Thanks for trying to protect me, but…I don't need it."
Larxene gazes at Roxas and gazes at Axel and gazes at the floor, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Finally, she nods curtly at her husband and stands, and she doesn't even look at him before she passes through the door. After her footsteps fade away Roxas shuts the door and leans on it. His shoulders shake and it looks like laughing but Axel can see tears pooling in his eyes.
When Roxas sits beside him and takes his hand he can't repress a shiver of something like pleasure but he knows he has to say, "What the hell is going on?"
The blond sighs softly and replies, "Do you love me?"
And it's bizarre and frustrating but all he can think is "Yes," and he says it too.
"Then we have some things to talk about."
Axel's stomach drops to his pelvis but it's not in a good way; it's the kind of drop that happened when he found out his parents had died. "…Okay."
Roxas runs his fingers along the creases in Axel's palm as he says, "My disease…we call it blood sickness. Most people have another name for it."
Axel can barely concentrate when Roxas starts tracing the veins in his wrist, but he can at least stutter out, "W-hat i-s it?"
"Vampirism."
And he laughs because it's funny and because he was afraid it was something bad, but it was just a bad joke. But then he realizes Roxas isn't laughing and he tastes something bad on his tongue.
"You're serious?"
Roxas nods and looks away, like he's ashamed. "Yeah."
He frowns in confusion and loss of his hold on reality. "But vampires are just in stories. They're just legends. I mean…you're not immortal, and you obviously bleed…and I always seem to overpower you…"
"We're not vampires. Not really. We're not immortal; we aren't the living dead. We're human beings, just like you and Larx and everyone else. I'm…I guess you could call it allergic to sunlight, and heat. Bright lights hurt my eyes. Most importantly, though…I feel weak without someone else's blood to sustain me."
"And…you can't…use me?"
"You'd catch the disease if we made even one mistake…and you'd probably die. Axel, I love you more than anything else, and…it's selfish of me to ask you to stay, but I want you to because I want you to love me and I want to wake up beside you and I want to know what the people inside your head say. This wasn't supposed to happen but it did because I see something in you I've never seen in anyone else. It would hurt more than anything because I love you but I won't…I won't stop you from getting up and walking out that door."
"Roxas…" He doesn't know how to respond to that confession, doesn't know what to say because he doesn't know what will happen after this. But… "I'm not going anywhere."
Roxas sighs and in that sigh Axel hears that he's making a bad decision but it's not really a decision. He can't walk away because all he'll ever be able to think about until the day he dies are sonnets of cerulean and epithets to elegance.
He sits still as fingers trace the lines in his palm and the veins in his wrists and draw circles around his elbow. He jumps when Roxas finds a particularly sensitive spot but he doesn't make any noise until he asks, "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"It wasn't important until you said you loved me."
It doesn't make sense, it doesn't, it doesn't make sense. "But you said you love me. I don't understand."
"You have made me…" And here, Roxas presses his lips to his palm, and it's erotic in a very calm way which isn't erotic at all. "The happiest…" And it's one, two, three, four, five, all of his fingers and the tip of his thumb. "…Man alive. I've found you, even after all this time. And I can live on that until I die, but I can't bring myself to make you unhappy."
He closes his eyes in half pleasure and half confusion until the whole thing hits him. "…Found me?"
"Yes. But I never expected it to be like this…where I can barely touch you for fear of breaking you, where I can remember but you can't. I suppose it's some form of cosmic punishment."
"What…?"
He doesn't think he likes where this is going, not one bit, not one little bit. But he wants to know because if he's wrong that's great and if he's right it's something he needs to know anyway.
Roxas sighs and Axel wishes he could see but he can't because his body refuses to turn. And then the voice hits his ears with words he isn't sure he likes. "There was a time," he says, and his tone is almost tired and broken but his voice is smooth and beautiful as ever. "When I was your everything; and I couldn't remember you. And when I did, I walked away from you, despite knowing that somewhere, somehow, I could have loved you. Soon after, you couldn't even touch me, because I wasn't myself. Now it's my turn…and you don't remember, and I can't touch you."
It doesn't make sense, it doesn't, it doesn't make sense, but it does even though it still doesn't. "I don't get it." Because he doesn't.
"Tell me…when Ren talked to you about her reasons for leaving Alex, did she tell you why she ran? Did she tell you that Alex was too good to be true, that she was running toward something she didn't think would destroy her completely? Did she tell you…" Roxas kisses his palm again and it's fire, fire, fire in his veins.
"…Did she tell you she thought herself completely inadequate, and she wanted to find her heart because Alex made her feel things she shouldn't feel at all?"
And Axel gapes because yes, she did say that and yes, he understands and maybe he understands more than he thought because he understands why he's fallen in love so fast and it's because he's only physically known Roxas for a few months and mentally known Roxas for a few weeks or days but his heart has known Roxas for years.
But none of this reaches his mind because it's all in his heart and he won't be able to think properly until Roxas stops touching him and shooting fire, fire, fire through his veins.
"Yes."
"And that would be my part…Ren, the runaway lover who refuses to look back for fear of running the wrong way."
Roxas does something with his lips then, something on his forearm and it feels like bread dough and he thinks he's felt it before. Axel gasps sharply because it's all pleasure and he can't tell if he wants to die or not, if he wants to laugh or cry, and he wants to return the pleasure but he can't because his body refuses to turn.
"I love you," Roxas breathes, coming into view and straddling Axel's waist and pressing measured kisses along his collarbones. "I always have."
Something about the tone and the way Roxas moves his hips makes a shudder run through him and he collapses, but he doesn't because Roxas catches him before his shoulders hit the bed. And he can't understand because isn't Roxas supposed to be fragile, like a doll, like a tragic beauty?
"I thought…" And Roxas moves again, and another shudder runs through, but he continues, "I thought you were…" And again and again and he wants to shut up because he can't. "You always seemed so fragile and weak…"
Roxas laughs a delicate, hollow laugh and says, against the base of Axel's throat, "I've never been held…I've always done the holding."
And then his hips are moving again and Axel's head is gently lowered and there are lips and fingers everywhere, and whatever stopped him from moving before lets go because he's moving too. He wants to try and figure out that strange statement but he can't because his brain turns hazy and it's not sex, but it's cerulean dreams and he loves it like he loves Roxas but he loves Roxas a little bit more.
One of his last coherent thoughts is that Roxas is de-cep-tive-ly scrawny, de-cep-tive all the time, but it still seems right.
He's dazed but not, he's sitting in front of his computer, he's listening to the man inside him and after three chapters he can only think sonnets of cerulean and epithets to elegance.
Deceptively weak, his embrace
A dance of truth and lies afoot
The smile across his pretty face:
Not pure as snow, but dark as soot
But he loves him, loves him, loves him and it's driving him insane because the man inside is screaming and his heart is pounding a different rhythm than the one in his brain and Kairi keeps leaving messages but he can't bring himself to answer his phone. She pounds on the door but he can't bring himself to assure her that he's all right.
Because he isn't.
He isn't, he isn't, he really isn't.
Kairi is worried which means Naminé is worried and when it crosses his mind that they might contact Roxas, he decides he needs to reassure them even though he can't reassure himself. He was never assured in the first place but he doesn't want them to find out about his stolen heart because he knows they were trying to protect him.
So he picks up his phone and unplugs it and phones Kairi.
"Axel, what the hell is wrong with you?"
And he knows Kairi was very worried because she just doesn't curse and she doesn't get angry unless she's scared or someone she loves is in trouble. So he lies. He lies to her and to himself when he says, "I was just caught up in something. You know how I get."
This conversation seems familiar but it doesn't because the circumstances are so different.
"I know…I just…I heard that you keep showing up at the old mansion and I was worried. Then I couldn't get hold of you and no one had seen you and I was afraid you were…"
His breath catches because he realizes what everyone was afraid of, now. He can't tell whether he wants to laugh or scream so he settles for saying in an almost joking tone, "What, did you think I was dead or something?"
When she screams into the phone, "Yes, that's exactly what I thought," he realizes maybe he should have taken her seriously, taken Naminé seriously, taken Larxene seriously, taken Roxas seriously. But it all seems so farfetched, even now, because really, vampires don't exist. And even if they do, surely they can't bleed.
But this call is supposed to reassure her so he says, "Well, don't worry. I'm alive and well, and I haven't gotten into any trouble."
It's true and it's not true and his head is pounding and his heart is crying and so is Kairi. "Just tell me if…if something ever bothers you, okay? Tell me if you need help, or if you need to talk to someone, or…anything. I'm here for you, all right?"
"Of course, Kai. I'm here for you too."
He says it with a smile because it will show in his voice, but his smile is forced and he thinks maybe his voice is too because Kairi goes quiet. After a moment, she says, "I love you, okay? Stay safe."
And she hangs up before he can reply, but he's glad because he laughs because that's almost the exact same thing Roxas said to Larxene before she left.
He wants to go back to that house but he doesn't but he really, really does so he showers and dresses and notices he's gotten even skinnier. He brushes his teeth and he's very careful to not get cut by his razor because he doesn't want to cause Roxas any pain.
And then he laughs because Roxas could probably kill him but that's not even what he's worried about. It's stupid and it would be sweet if it were just a story but it's real life and he's terrified but not of Roxas. No, not Roxas, never Roxas.
He vaguely remembers something that tastes like blue but he can't remember where he got it or why he can't remember very well. He remembers a few pills and smoke in his lungs and he's fly-ing above the world.
He sees the Boy and the Boy raises his glass and Axel knows-knows-knows there's something he's supposed to know but it's break-ing out of his mind. Every. Single. Time. He tries to recall it.
The Boy has bedroom eyes and sllliiinks toward him like a fucking ballerina. Blondie-blonde-blond reaches him but frowns because he's ir-ri-ta-ted. Axel doesn't know why the Boy is that way but he thinks the frown on his face is se-duc-tive. He leans over to steal his lips but he doesn't get far because there's a hand in his way.
"Why are you high again, Axel?"
He doesn't think he's high because he's not on drugs because he's not a druggie because he's never been on drugs, except maybe those pills were drugs and maybe that smoke was but probably not because he can only remember ce-ru-le-an.
"M'not."
"You are. Did you drink anything when you got here?"
"Ce-ru-le-an," he says, not because he thinks that's what the drink is called but because it's the color of the Boy's eyes. "Tastes like blue."
It's the funniest thing he's ever said in his entire life because he's brilliant. He feels in-vin-ci-ble and he wants to show the Boy but the Boy is angry and probably with him but he doesn't know why. And then he remembers something else.
"Coffee is bitter. Good. It's – it's not bad, coffee is good."
He's trying to tell the Boy that he drank coffee but he keeps getting sidetracked and his mouth is rebelling or maybe his brain is and his mouth is saying the right thing after all. He says, "There was a guy."
He forgets the end of that, but he has something better to say. "You're pretty, the Boy, the pretty one. The pretty Boy, pretty, pretty, pretty."
Blondie-blonde-blond grits his teeth and mutters something but Axel's ears aren't working too well or maybe they are working too well and that's the problem because the Boy's words just blend in with the loud sounds eve-ry-where, eve-ry-where, everywhereeverywhereeverewhere.
"What did the man look like?"
"You're the Boy, the pretty one," he says again, and he pulls on the Boy's hair because it's yellow like lemon juice, not like banana peels but it's kind of the same but kind of different and it's "Blondie-blonde-blond, and bananas too."
He's brilliant and he smirks because he's in-vin-ci-ble.
The Boy who isn't as pa-the-tic as he seems (de-cep-tive-ly scrawny, but he doesn't know where that came from and he doesn't care because the Boy's skin is soft-soft-soft) pulls him up and pulls him up the stairs and pulls him up when he falls, trembling, because the fuckin' weird painting screams silently at him and haunts him and tries to swallow him who-ole.
He pulls him into the bedroom and pushes him down and leans over and whispers, "I'm sorry about this; really, I am."
And Axel wants to know what the fuck is going on but there's something at his mouth and fuck, but that smells awful.
And then there's black.
There are voices but he doesn't know if they're real because he can't open his eyes and his stomach churns but he can't open his eyes and he can't move.
"I'm not sticking around, Roxie."
"I know. I don't expect it of you. We both knew this would happen…you're free, Firefly. Go live your own life. Please be happy."
"I know. I knew it would happen the minute he entered this house. I didn't want it to happen, but it was kind of inevitable. So now you've found him and everything. Congratu-fucking-lations."
"Larx, you know I'm-"
"I'm not mad at you for Marluxia. He knew what he was getting into. I'm mad at you for Axel. I don't give two shits about him, but I care about you. I shouldn't. I should be furious. But I'm tired of caring about stupid shit and you're the only thing I have left."
"I…you don't have to leave."
"Do you really want me to stay?"
"Of course…but no…Larx, I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what to do. I thought this would be clean, I thought…I thought this would be closure. He wasn't supposed to forget and I wasn't supposed to stay in love and he wasn't supposed to love me back."
"Roxie…"
"I've never had so little control in this life. I want to scream, and I want you to stay, but it's selfish of me to ask you to stay."
"Even if you asked, I wouldn't stay. Just…promise me something."
"Anything."
"Don't kill him. Don't break him. I really think I hate him, but you love him and I really don't want to see you fall apart or wonder if you're still okay."
"Of course…I couldn't kill him…I…"
"I love you, Roxie."
"I love you too, Larx. So much. I wish it hadn't ended up like this."
"I'm gonna stay with your brother for a couple of weeks, and then I'll probably head over to Destiny Islands. I'll probably keep in touch, but if you don't hear from me…"
"I understand."
He can't move and he can't open his eyes but he knows he's going to retch so he puts all of his effort into turning over so he doesn't drown in his own vomit. Just as everything comes out he feels a hand holding his shoulder up and nothing gets on his lap because there's some sort of container in front of him, catching the sick and the blood laced within it.
He tries to say thank you but even to his ears it only sounds like a moan. He hears a sigh and someone whispers in his ear, "I'm sorry. It was the only way."
He doesn't know what the Voice needed a way to do, but the hand is now threading through his hair and he feels something like bread dough on his forehead and then there's another hand resting on his chest.
"The heart is such a weakness," the Voice says, but it doesn't sound upset because it sounds happy-sad in a very melancholy way, and that doesn't make sense but it does. "Look where it's brought us, hmm?"
His eyes still aren't open and he feels himself slipping back into black and he hears someone humming quietly in his ear. It's beautiful and haunting and then there's black again so it isn't anything.
It's five weeks later and he sees Roxas at least three times a week but the man inside isn't banging on the front of his skull because words flow out of him like never before. He can no longer hear sonnets of cerulean and epithets of elegance…the last two lines won't come and he's titled the whole thing 'Cerulean Dreams' but he can't think of how to end it.
But it doesn't matter because he's working with the man inside and suddenly it's finished and he wonders how that happened, because he didn't even write it. He thinks the man inside took control and wrote it for him – it's happened before, but this one is actually good. This is something he's not ashamed to admit he wrote.
This might be the day he can look toward a future with more food and less extra room at the waistband of his pants. He's ashamed of his almost-penniless existence because it means the last thing he wrote was shit, and he's too embarrassed to ask for help because that will all come out. But maybe it won't because if They like this like he likes it then maybe he can pretend there was never anything wrong.
He powers down his computer and looks out his window and sees the full moon peeking through a thick layer of clouds. He decides it's a great time to see Roxas, because they can celebrate and because he knows Roxas is lonely in that big mansion without Larxene to keep him company.
He gets ready and his stomach grumbles but he's used to ignoring stuff like that so it's not a big deal. It's not a big deal until the headaches come and his head is clearer than it has been in months. He knows he still has a lot of revision to do before he can even think of sending his book in, but finishing the damn thing is ninety percent of the battle so he knows he deserves the break he's taking. He can't wait to see Roxas, to tell him the news, to clink glasses and pretend they're drinking the same thing.
When he arrives he unlocks the door himself because Roxas gave him a key, and the foyer is dark but it usually is so that's no surprise. He peeks into the kitchen but Roxas isn't there, so he looks in the library and he's not there, either. So he looks in the bedroom and avoids the haunting stare of the Munch painting and Roxas isn't there. So he explores the top floor, something he never bothered to do before. There are many different paintings in the hallway and they're all very strange, but nothing like "The Scream" because they don't haunt him.
He comes to a door on the opposite side and tentatively opens it, and he has to squint his eyes because it's so, so white. Roxas is lying on the white table in the middle with an arm over his eyes, and his chest is slow like he can't breathe. Axel panics and rushes to his side, picks him up, carries him to the bedroom because the bedroom is dark and the bed is soft.
Roxas is unresponsive and heavy because of that, but Axel doesn't drop him or even stop walking because he's afraid of what will happen if he does. When Roxas is lying on the bed and the door is shut, Axel lies down next to him and tries to ignore the tingling in his skin so he can hold the blond close without any sexuality attached. He's scared of losing Roxas but mostly he's scared of losing himself because if he's gone Roxas will be gone too.
After minutes, days, hours, weeks, seconds like that, Roxas opens his eyes and they're hazy with something like pain but it's beautiful and they're still the same color. He gasps when he sees Axel looking but he doesn't look away and Axel is grateful.
"You shouldn't be here," he rasps, but not because his throat is sore. Axel wonders how long Roxas was lying like that, because he hasn't been here in three days.
"I'm here anyway," he whispers, and it's more like a promise than a response.
"But I want you, I want all of you, and I can't have you."
"Yes you can. I'm yours till the day we die." And it's true and he thinks he should be more disturbed about that. But it's true so he's not disturbed at all.
"But…I want you…your body…your scent…your blood…I want…" He's turning and he's turned and he opens his mouth to speak but Axel cuts off his words with his lips and tongue. Roxas closes his eyes but Axel doesn't want him to close them.
So he draws back long enough to say, "And I want your eyes."
His voice seems to do something to Roxas because he's suddenly pushed away and Roxas is directing a wild, glazed look at him. "Don't you get it?"
"I get that something's wrong. I get that you need something, and I want to give it to you."
Roxas rubs his eyes and moans, "You don't know what you're offering. Please don't. Please."
Axel is starting to get irritated because Roxas doesn't seem to understand that Axel would do anything for him, anything to help him. All he wants is for Roxas to look at him and speak to him and trace the veins in his wrist with his fingertips. So he says, "Tell me what I'm offering then, because it looks to me like I'm offering to help you."
"I told you I want you, I want your blood…I can't…I can't…"
And he thinks he understands because there's something vulnerable running through the silk of his voice and his hands are shaking pathetically. He has dark circles under his eyes even though he's been sleeping for only god knows how long.
So he says, "You can have it."
He's favored with the most frightening glare he's ever seen and Roxas hisses, "No. Don't say that."
"Well where do you usually get it," he asks, not quite intimidated but definitely scared.
"Larxene. But she's gone now. Sometimes I can live off the energy at parties but that only lasts for so long. There have been a couple of times…" And he trails off, looking to the side like he's ashamed of something.
He's starting to piece everything together and he's not sure he likes the picture in front of him, but he likes (loveslovesloves) Roxas so he ignores the fear bubbling in his stomach. "Why were you okay with Larxene but not with me? Do you not trust me or something?"
"No, no! That's not it. I just…she's immune to it so we didn't have to worry about mistakes and you…I couldn't live with myself if you got sick. I want to grow old together, to sit together on the roof and soak up the moonlight together, to tease you when your hair turns gray and to hear you tease me when I start to get wrinkles. I've lived with this my whole life but it's hard for others to…I mean, Sora…"
Axel's eyes go wide because he thinks Sora might have died because he was helping Roxas survive. They made a mistake and Sora died because his parents didn't want another 'vampire' in the family. It makes him angry and sad and he wants to scream or cry or maybe just hold onto Roxas for dear life but he doesn't do any of those things. Instead, he asks, "What can I do to help?"
"Nothing…just…just hold me."
So he does. They lie down, bodies pressed together, and Axel's entire body sings but he ignores the music because he needs to be Roxas' strength and not his downfall.
Roxas looks a bit better when they wake and Axel makes them breakfast, because he's a good cook when there's actually food in the kitchen. Roxas eats quickly, like his stomach is empty and Axel is suddenly concerned. "How long were you in that white room?"
"I don't know," Roxas says between bites. "I lied down shortly after you left, but I can't remember anything after that."
It's obvious he hasn't eaten anything in at least three days, and Axel can't decide whether he's upset or just relieved that Roxas isn't going to die of starvation. They spend the rest of the morning in the library, lying on the table in the candlelight and discussing the meaning of "Utopia," by Sir Thomas More.
In the afternoon, Axel cooks steak and makes it especially rare for Roxas, because he thinks maybe that will help. Roxas eyes the meat and eyes Axel and smiles, and it's beautiful because it's a real smile and he thinks maybe it will help.
"I love you," Roxas says out of nowhere, and it warms Axel's chest to the point of burning.
"I love you too."
"I think you should move in here."
He doesn't know what to think but he knows what to say. "I'd love to."
He notices Roxas never drinks from his ugly goblet any more, and asks him why.
"It's just a cup," he replies, but he doesn't meet Axel's eyes and he can tell it's a lie.
"I'm not stupid. I want to grow old with you, too. I love you. And if you're putting yourself in danger or something, that's really stupid because you know I'd do anything to help you."
There are no parties either and he thinks that's probably a bad thing.
"I want to be good for you. I don't want to be the kind of person who steals from others, even if it means…"
"I don't care whether you steal or not, Roxas, but I wish you'd just let me help you. I want you alive more than I want you to be a good person. Call me selfish, but you're the one I care about. How long has it been?"
"About a month."
And Axel feels angry and frustrated and thinks privately that if Roxas won't take care of himself, then Axel will do it for him. Because Roxas is his everything. Roxas holds his heart and all he has to do is spasm once and it's ruined forever. All he has to do is close his hand and Axel doesn't have a heart any more.
"You're getting weaker."
"I know."
"Are you going to do anything about it?"
Roxas doesn't answer and Axel decides that he really doesn't care about anyone but Roxas.
Not even himself.
He's disgusted with himself but it's been seven weeks since Larxene left and Roxas is lying nearly comatose in the bedroom. He's carrying bottles back to the mansion and his hands are shaking and he wants to throw up, but he doesn't care. He only cares about Roxas.
They're going to find another body washed up on the shore, and it really does bother him but probably not as much as it should.
Roxas opens his eyes three days later, gasping for air. Axel is there, sitting quietly on a chair, and he can't help but smile even though he spent two of those days either forcing down waves of nausea or spitting them out. Axel moves closer and catches Roxas' hand and the first words out of the blond are, "I love you."
"I love you too, Roxas."
He means it and even though it's so much easier to ignore the singing of his body, he still has to restrain himself from pressing kisses to every inch of Roxas' pale skin because that's not what he needs right now. What he needs right now is quiet and someone to sit by him without hurting him.
He doesn't know how he knows this and maybe he's wrong, but if he is Roxas will probably tell him because Roxas is capable of speaking up for himself.
"I taste blood," Roxas says softly, suddenly.
"I thought I was going to lose you," Axel replies, and it's not really an explanation but he knows Roxas can fill in the blanks. He doesn't know why he's suddenly ashamed of his actions when he wasn't before; he wasn't ashamed when he killed the man, wasn't ashamed when he made sure to get as much as he could in the bottles, wasn't ashamed when he pushed him into the river. But he's ashamed now that Roxas knows, and for a moment he wishes he never said anything but that's stupid because Roxas would find out anyway.
There are several things running through Roxas' cerulean gaze, but all he says is, "Thank you."
And Axel doesn't say anything but they both know he would've done it no matter what.
Killing people is probably an acquired taste, he thinks, because the second time it isn't as bad. The second time he only throws up a couple of times and he doesn't feel the urge to wash his hands every five seconds. He brings it to Roxas like breakfast in bed, and he even makes some toast to go with it. Roxas is getting stronger every day but there's only so much blood in one person so he had to get more.
He wonders why Roxas deprived himself when he knew this was going to happen, because he was the one who said he wanted to grow old together. He wonders how Roxas survived nearly two months when Sora only survived a couple of days, and he wants to chalk it up to their blood so he does because it's logical.
He sits on the bed next to Roxas and watches him sip from the straw, and he wonders, "What does that even taste like?"
"Right now it tastes like crap because it's cold," he says, and it's not a joke so Axel makes a note to find some way to heat it without making it completely disgusting or something. "But usually it tastes like iron and sea-salt ice cream. Just the right amount of salt, just the right amount of sweet, and bitter because of the metallic taste. I think it's an acquired taste though because I think I remember a time when I hated it."
"Can I try it?" He doesn't know why he said that and he doesn't even know where it came from, but he supposes it's natural like it's natural for kids to ask their parents if they can try the alcohol in their glasses.
Roxas looks at him oddly, like he's a crazy person, but it's probably established by now that he really, really is. He hands the glass over wordlessly and watches to see what Axel will do.
He thinks it will be disgusting, and it is, just a little. It's a little thick, like whole milk instead of wine, but he can taste the underlying sweetness and something heady and electric. He passes it back and says, truthfully, "It's not bad. Not something I'd want to drink every day…so I guess I kind of feel sorry for your taste buds. But at least it doesn't taste like cough syrup. That stuff makes me throw up."
Roxas sits in silence and when Axel looks his face is slack like he doesn't know how to handle Axel's words. But then he shrugs and says, "You always were an odd duck." And then he sips through the straw again.
When Roxas puts the glass aside, Axel does what he's wanted to do for weeks and merges their lips. It's heady and metallic and sweet, just like blood, but he smells Roxas and tastes Roxas and it's dizzying.
"I love you," he says when they separate, and scrapes his teeth oh-so-lightly along Roxas' collarbones.
The body beneath him shudders and he loves it. Roxas murmurs, "I love you too," and he loves it. He can hear the frantic beating of Roxas' chest and he loves it. He pulls away to look into Roxas' eyes as their lips meet again, and he loves it loves it loves it.
Roxas is completely well again, and they're lying on the table in the library and discussing vampire novels by candlelight. Axel has always found teen vampire romances to be a waste of time but he's always loved "Dracula," and Roxas reads anything he can get his hands on because he thinks they're hilarious.
Axel can see why.
Roxas confesses that he left "Twilight" on Axel's coffee table, because he thought it was funny. At first Axel doesn't know why but then, "It's probably one of the most unrealistic vampire portrayals ever written. I almost feel sorry for the poor woman who wrote it, because people who know the truth probably laugh in her face, even if she doesn't know why. The only thing she got right is that we need blood to survive and some people-" he looks at Axel sideways, but looks away quickly as if he didn't mean to do it. "-Are more enticing than others. I thought it was funny because I could imagine you, finding it, and thinking to yourself, 'What is this shit?' I was hoping you…would never find out."
"Kairi and Naminé told me Selphie left it there, and they came to get it but they didn't actually take it," Axel informs.
Roxas inhales sharply and purses his lips, but after a moment he releases his breath and it's like his strength leaves him because he collapses. "Did they mention the book by name?"
"Yeah."
"Then they were expecting this. And they wanted to keep you away from me. They know my sense of humor, and they know Larxene, who suggested it in the first place. Do they…know about you and me?"
He realizes he hasn't bothered to check his phone or even tell Kairi he's not living at home any more, and he swallows shakily because she must think he's dead or something. He doesn't like making her feel bad. "No."
"Does she even know you're still alive?"
He flinches because Roxas' words mirror his thoughts and he doesn't want to hear them aloud. "No."
"You should call her. You don't have to tell her about us, if you don't want her to know…but she's a good girl. She's probably worried sick about you."
He promises himself he will call as soon as they leave the library, because he doesn't want to get up just yet.
"Axel, you…bastard! I was worried sick…I haven't heard from you in weeks…the house is empty…I really was sure you were dead this time!"
"Kai, I'm sorry, I-"
"Is that all you know how to say? I love you, Axel, but I don't know what to do with you any more! I know you've been going to that house, I know you've been seeing Roxas, even though we told you it was dangerous. Demyx told Naminé that Larxene left…and then I heard you went in one day and never came back out! So yeah, Axel, we thought you were dead…and I'm sure by now you know why!"
"Okay, yeah, you're right. And there's nothing I can really do about that, because even though you and Naminé 'warned' me, I'm not in any danger. Okay? I…" He swallows a sudden lump in his throat, because it's now or never and he hopes it never has to come to never.
"I love him. And I want to be with him. Forever."
Kairi is quiet on the other end of the line and when she speaks, her voice is soft and shaky. "So you're really going to chance breaking both of you?"
He takes a deep breath and replies, "We're both going to chance it, because I can't let go and neither can he. We know what we're getting into, and it's not that bad, Kai. Maybe it's a little nerve-wracking sometimes, but only because he almost died and I had to sit there and watch him come slowly back to life. I don't want that to happen again. If I'm here, it won't."
There's a sharp exhale, and then Kairi says, "I love both of you. And I want you to come to my wedding, okay? That's why I initially started calling."
He grins because it's something great. "When is it? Who proposed? Kairi, I'm…I'm really happy for you. Really."
"I know. It was Naminé who asked me, but it's funny – I was going to ask her the same night. She just asked first. It's in three days; you nearly missed it. We're getting married in the pavilion by the river; the guests are invited to show up as early as ten o'clock, but we're waiting for midnight. We thought it would be nice to have our wedding at a time when Roxas can come."
He smiles because that really was thoughtful, and because he's never been to a wedding before, and because his sister is getting married, and because he's already happy. "I'll tell Roxas, but I'm sure we'll be able to come. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
"You'd better."
He cancels the call and can't keep the smile off his face and he goes to find Roxas because it's wonderful.
Roxas is in the bedroom drinking his nightly glass, and Axel is glad he only needs a little bit every day now because that means he's better. He sits down on the edge of the bed and takes Roxas' hand and says, "Kairi and Naminé are getting married three days from now at midnight. They want us to come."
"Of course we'll go," Roxas says, and Axel's smile only grows.
It's a full moon and the stars are beautiful and Roxas is beautiful. He wants to write sonnets of cerulean and epithets to elegance, but the only thing in his head is I do. Kairi says it and Naminé says it and he looks at Roxas and says it, but only in his head.
There's a spring breeze and it's a little chilly but Axel's pants fit now so it's okay.
Music plays and there's cake but the sweetest thing is Roxas in the moonlight, and the sweetest sound is Roxas' voice by his ear saying, "I love you."
Kairi and Naminé disappear eventually, and since Axel and Roxas have already congratulated them and hugged them and told them how amazing they both look (Kairi in pink, Naminé in white, the colors they wore as children when they first met), they decide to go home. They walk slowly, swinging their joined hands and Axel thinks it's probably the best feeling he's ever had.
He knows that somewhere along the line he spent quite a bit of time on drugs and it's never occurred to him, but he didn't go through much when he stopped. They're in the kitchen and he's sprawled on a chair, and Roxas is on the counter drinking from his glass.
"Why didn't I go through withdrawals?"
Roxas frowns, and then shrugs. "I think you did. I don't know how it works, because I've never done drugs. Maybe you just didn't do it enough to become completely addicted; but what do I know? Vexen was sneaky and had a vendetta against you."
"What? Why?"
"Because you killed him. But don't worry; he won't give you any more trouble, even if we decide to throw another party."
He eyes Roxas critically. "Why do you say that?"
"Because he's dead. Been dead for…about six hours now."
"What happened?"
Instead of answering, Roxas drains his glass and licks his lips. "Tastes a little sweeter today."
He knows he should be horrified but he isn't and that should be horrifying but it isn't. He thinks it's probably because he's a murderer, and because Roxas' cerulean haze has trapped him again. Roxas slides off the counter and Axel springs up from his chair and even though they hit each other hard, there's no pain.
"Remember when…uh…when you brought me blood that first time?"
Of course he does. "I'll never forget that. You almost died, you idiot."
Roxas kneads his forehead with his knuckles and it's cute in some way he can't really understand. "I know. I…that was…I thought I was really going to die."
Axel inhales sharply and rolls onto his side, propping his head on his hand and frowning sternly at the blond beside him. His eyes are used to darkness by now, and he can see perfectly by the light of the moon drizzling through the curtains. "Why would you do that?"
"I told you, I-"
And then Roxas sighs, and it's sad and it's sweet and it's tired. "I didn't want to be with you."
Axel scowls and doesn't know whether to be offended or not. "Why? Why did you tell me you did, then?"
"Don't misunderstand me…I want to be with you. I love you. And I loved you back then. I've loved you for a very long time. But you were so…perfect, and I…I really thought I was gonna snap because you kept…you kept smiling at me and reacting when I touched you. I told you I couldn't bear it if you got sick. I don't want to see you in any pain…to be completely truthful, it was completely selfish on my part, but that's why I let you initiate everything and that's why I have to force myself to be weak."
"…What?" He doesn't want to believe he's hearing this but he does because he really is hearing this. He can't tell if Roxas doesn't trust him or if Roxas is trying to admit that he's selfish, and maybe it's a little of both.
"I…if I make one little mistake, I could ruin you. And that would ruin me. I'm a selfish bastard, I know."
"But…why would you force yourself to be weak? I know I'm not a bodybuilder or anything, but I'm not a china doll either."
"You are…the only person I've ever loved enough to be careful with, other than Larxene but she didn't need it. More than anything, I didn't want to hurt you. Ever. I won't, I can't, I refuse to hurt you. I decided to be weak physically around you because I'm weak emotionally around you and I…"
"You don't have to. I don't want you to…be weak. I want to know you…I want to know everything about you. I want to know all of you. And if that means I get sick…then I want to share that with you. God, Roxas…I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone. I never thought I'd feel anything this strongly. I want…I want you. And so I guess we're both selfish, aren't we? I mean…you live with your illness. It's already proven that I can find…take…well, I can get blood, if it's needed. I don't particularly want to get sick, but I don't want to only know part of you."
Something makes Roxas tense up, quiver like a tree in a storm. His eyes shut and his breath is ragged and he asks, slowly, "Are you…crazy?"
"Of course I am," Axel replies, leaning over to scrape his teeth on Roxas' collarbone. He loves that and Axel loves that and Axel loves Roxas. "I thought that was established by now."
He runs his fingers down Roxas' arm, lifts it up, presses kisses along the inside of his wrist and on his palm and on each of his fingertips. Roxas is shaking and his eyes are still closed and Axel whispers, "I'm crazy because I don't care about anything but you. I'm crazy because half the time I can only think about your eyes. I'm crazy because I live in this dark, silent house with you and I love it. But most of all, I'm just crazy about you."
Roxas' eyes snap open and before he knows it, he's lying on his back and Roxas is straddling his thighs and there are fingers slinking up inside his shirt. It's cold or hot, he can't really tell, and lips touch lips but they don't just touch, the join and merge and it's fire, fire, fire in his veins.
There's a hand at the zipper of his slacks and once he hears it (zip-zip-zip) his entire world shifts.
And he loses all sense of self. He thinks he used to know what he liked and disliked, but he's experiencing a completely new sen-sa-tion and he only knows pleasure. It's all he can do to keep from screaming because there are be-au-ti-ful fingers all over him and there's vi-ol-ence in every move. Vi-ol-ent shudders rack his frame and he feels so fucking delicate in comparison to the human Adonis above him.
It hurts ohgoditfuckinghurtsgetoutgetoutgetout but either Roxas has experience or he's a natural, because after a moment it's nevermindstayheremovemovemove, all vi-ol-ent pleasure and his kisses are the only gentle thing about him. Axel feels pa-the-tic and the ce-ru-le-an eyes above him glaze in the best fucking way.
Soft lips graze along his jaw line before coming back to his, the pressure in-sis-tent but not controlling like the rest of him.
And suddenly the world spins and he can't tell up from down and ohgodyes he doesn't want to. He falls out of the sky or bursts out of the ground and thinks he might be dying but that's not it because he loves Roxas more than an-y-thing, and Roxas wouldn't kill him.
And the flip switches off because he's exhausted and Roxas is not as cool as a cucumber and if he had to lie here under Roxas' tired body forever, he would not complain. He feels closer to the person he loves than he's ever been to anyone. He always thought sex was impersonal and pointless, but sex with Roxas is oh. Fuck. Yes.
He closes his eyes – only for a moment because he's afraid if he falls asleep Roxas will disappear – and breathes in the scent of rose milk.
He wakes and regrets it because he feels like he's going to die.
His head hurts and his stomach hurts and his throat feels swollen and his mouth is dry, and he feels weaker than he previously thought was even possible. Roxas is lying next to him, unclothed for the first time, and he wants to be able to take in the beauty but he can't really appreciate it because it hurts to keep his eyes open.
He hears something like whimpering and it takes a moment to realize it's him, and he's glad Roxas is asleep because he doesn't want to be seen so vulnerable like this. He lies on his back and wishes away the pain, but it doesn't work so instead he wishes away the whimpers.
It works, eventually, and soon he drifts back into darkness which envelops him and soothes him like a mother would do.
He wakes again and Roxas is awake this time but just barely because it's a sleep-hazed smile and voice when he says, "Good morning."
Axel tries to answer but he can only make a noise which does nothing to convey the amount of pain he's feeling. Roxas is immediately more alert and there's a hand on his forehead and it's freezing and Roxas says, "Shit."
Roxas is pacing and Axel doesn't really know why, but there's moonlight on the body and the universe is exploding within cerulean waves, and it's so beautiful he can almost forget that his body feels like it hates him.
"I didn't…shit, this is…this is why I didn't want to…damn it."
He's angry but not at Axel, and it's probably at himself but Axel doesn't really know why. Roxas goes away for a moment but he comes back, sits down on top of him, makes a soothing noise. There's something in front of Axel's face and Roxas says, gently, "Suck. Please."
So he does and it tastes like sea-salt ice cream and thunder like before except it's warm and he hates it. He tries to push Roxas' arm away so he can spit it out or throw up but he won't move and he says, "Do you want to die or what? I love you and I'm not going to let you end up like Sora because of my mistake. I know how to handle this now and I'm not going to let you die. So suck."
And he hates it because it's like wine instead of whole milk and it's warm and alive, and he hates it because it's dripping out of Roxas' wrist like a fountain, but he does it because there's some part of him that knows it's good for him to do what Roxas tells him to do, probably because they love each other and Axel trusts Roxas' judgment.
But he can't stomach it and once Roxas takes his arm away and gets off of him, he rolls onto his side and throws it all up.
He rolls onto his back again and shuts his eyes, and next to him he hears something like crying but he can't open his eyes to see.
It feels like fever but not and there's a bad taste in his mouth and he's lost all track of time, but he hangs onto whispered words like a lifeline.
"I keep hoping you'll respond to me," the Voice says, and it sounds weak. "I love you. I'm so stupid. This is twice now…I'm…I can't decide whether I wish I'd never found you or I wish you hated me. I love you. I'm sorry. I love you. I need you. I love you. I love you…"
He knows the Voice is Roxas and he wants to return the sentiment, wants to tell him he loves him more than words can properly convey.
But it won't come out because his body isn't working.
"I thought about taking you to the hospital, but it would be hard to explain, huh? I think I still might…call an ambulance…I love you, Axel." The Voice is weaker and shaky and the hand on his forehead is trembling. "I love you. Don't you dare die."
He wants to tell the Voice, which probably belongs to Roxas, that he's alive and not going anywhere, and that he loves him too.
But it won't come out because his body isn't working.
There's something at his lips and he hates it but not as much as before and the body next to him is trembling. He wants to tell it not to worry (he's sure it's Roxas) but he can't because nothing works.
"Larxene bought that painting in the hall," the Voice whispers. It's dull and weak and shaky, and the body beside him trembles violently. "She said it suited us and this house. I kind of feel that way most of the time…everything's surrounding me, bigger than me, swallowing me up, and I'm screaming but no one can hear it because it's not me screaming, it's my heart. It's my soul. And suddenly you came and you could hear it, but I…I'm so sorry…I love you. Please don't die."
He wants to tell the Voice (please be Roxas) not to die either, but his body just will not work.
There's a taste in his mouth he's used to by now but he doesn't know why. He thinks he's supposed to hate it but he doesn't and when he opens his eyes it's nighttime and the moonlight is drizzling through the crack in the thick black curtains. There's a body next to him, lying still. He rolls over and wants to scream but it won't come out.
Roxas is there, Roxas is lying there with his eyes wide open, his mouth wide open in a silent scream. Both wrists are slit but they're not bleeding, and Roxas is even paler than before. At first Axel thinks he's dead but then he notices a very slight rise and fall of his chest.
Breathing.
Roxas' mouth moves and Axel hears him whisper, "I love you."
Cerulean is covered by pale lids and even though the chest doesn't stop moving it scares him and he wants to scream because he's scared out of his mind and he wants to scream because he's sad and there's something pulling on his heart.
And he sort of wants to laugh because he's finished his sonnet but he can't call it "Cerulean Dreams" now, because this is not a dream because it's a living, breathing nightmare. He wants to laugh because he wants it to be a joke, and he hopes Roxas wakes up because Roxas is his heart, his soul, his life. Roxas is still breathing but Axel's body isn't working properly and he knows he should give him blood but he can't move because he's scared. He wants to laugh because he's never been scared of Roxas, only for Roxas, even now.
He wants to scream more though, and he can't because his mouth won't work and his lungs won't give him extra breath. And he's hurting and he thinks his eyes are crying but he just can't let it out.
I wake from cerulean dreams
To nightmares filled with silent screams